What A Tangled Web We Weave
by The0Stars0Are0Shining0
Summary: She still wakes up some mornings convinced she must be asleep because this is surely a nightmare. She was never meant to be the girl that gets a divorce. They were never meant to end up here. They were meant to be the ones that got the happy ever after. She hates him because he's ruined everything and it's not fair because she doesn't want to still love him but love him she does.
1. Chapter 1

ONE

'Mum' She whines.

'Answers still no. And is still gonna be no in half an hour so why don't you give it a rest' The weary mother suggests.

The child is persistent though and trails the adult that's trying her best to stay calm. 'Dad said yes!'

'Well Dad isn't here is he?'

'You're such a bitch right now'

'Hey'

They both startle at the man's voice in the doorway. 'Dad is here and he doesn't want to hear you speaking like that to your Mother. Ever. You hear me?' It's low. A stern warning that is more than listened to. The eleven year old looks sheepish. 'Apologise to your Mum' She puffs out her cheeks. 'It wasn't an optional request Sawyer'

'Sorry' She sulkily murmurs. 'It's not fair though Dad-'

'I don't wanna hear it. She said no. Whatever you're whining about you've got your answer and mine will be the same. Now go get your sister and your stuff' He nods toward the door and the child huffs but scarpers under his piercing gaze. His stare is quick to skitter back to _her_. She busies herself. Or as he calls it- flaps. It's a dance he'd once teased her for. A dance that would show itself when she was nervous. It's more than that now though. It's a god awful dance he has to witness her do anytime they're in the same room together. 'Tough day?'

She picks up a discarded plate on the coffee table. Puts it back down in favour of carefully shushing a half built lego masterpiece back out of harms way because it's only going to get trodden on where it's been abandoned and no doubt tears will ensue when said demolishment takes place.

'I don't need you speaking for me. I can discipline her just fine' She's on her hands knees and he feels obliged to help.

'Yeah? You looked like you were doing just grand' He's not as careful as the mother of his children; knocks a precarious tower of bricks. 'Shit'

'Give it here' She huffs and expertly fixes the building.

'Has she been talking to you like that a lot?'

'Why do you care?'

'Because Peyton! She's my kid too and I don't want her speaking to you like that'

'Says the man that taught her to speak to me like that'

'That's not fair-'

'Isn't it? She's heard one too many an argument that she shouldn't have-'

'That's not just my fault-'

'Well you know what is? The fact that she thinks it's my fault her Daddy doesn't live here anymore-'

'Well it was your decision' He mutters. He instantly regrets it.

If looks could kill he'd be dead. 'Why was it my decision Lucas?' She glances to the door and lowers her voice 'She hates me and it's not fair. I get the fucking blame for tearing her world apart but you're the one that screwed it all up' She hisses quietly.

He sighs. 'I'm sorry...I'll talk to her ok?...christ I was just trying to back you up with her just then' He sighs because he can't do right. He tries to help and it's wrong. He backs off and he's not doing enough.

'A fucking first'

'She just needs time'

'You're the reason she's acting out'

'Uhuh' He gives up trying to help her with her frantic tidy up because she just keeps snatching items from his hands.

'You undermine me all the time. You tell her yes when I say no' She snaps. She's back on her feet now. Retrieves that plate again.

'I just said no! And I don't even know what I was saying no to, if that's not backing you up what is?!'

'You told her she could go to that party on Friday' She puts the plate down, instead retrieving a ballet slipper from the arm of the sofa. She marches across to the other side of the room and collects it's pair that is balanced atop of the tv. 'I'd already said no!'

'I didn't know that!'

'Yeah so communicate with me! Talk to me' She puts the slippers into an unzipped dance bag sat on the floor and battles a realm of taffeta fabric back inside whilst she's there.

'Well you could've told me I'm not a fucking mind reader! Why can't she go to a bloody party for christ sake?!'

'Because Sarah Donovan's father is on trial for raping a sixteen year old is why! I don't want her in that house. Why those kids haven't been taken into care is beyond me! Fuck' She's caught the tutu in the zip and breaks her nail in her attempt to set the skirt free.

'Here' He reaches for the bag but she twists away from him.

'I can do it'

'Stop being so freaking stubborn' He snatches it from her and her irritation only escalates as he frees the white net with ease a moment later. 'Is it true?' He's still focused on her announcement.

'I don't know but I'm not about to put our child under the same roof as someone that's been accused of that'

'No' He whole heartedly agrees. 'I wasn't suggesting we decide to be the innocent until proven guilty party when it comes to our kid. I just...fuck' He blinks. 'That's awful'

'Yes' She's got that god forsaken plate back in her hand and he wants to confiscate it and hurl it into the nearest wall to save watching her carry it around the damn living room for a moment longer. It's as if she can read his thoughts. There's been times when he's been sure she can read his mind. Her feet carry her out of the room they're in and he trails behind.

'Well she's not going obviously'

'No. Like I told her. But you told her yes and now I'm the bitch that ruins everything'

'I'll talk to her' He follows her into the kitchen. Notes the disarray. Dishes are piled high in the sink. Breakfast sits left over on the table. She sees him take in the mess.

'I've been fucking busy'

'I didn't say anything' He shakes his head. 'Let me-'

'Don't you dare' She steps in front of the sink to prevent him from beginning to tackle the war zone of pots and pans that she knows he's itching to clean because he never could stand a mess.

He puts his hands in the air in surrender. 'So...how was your day?'

She crosses her arms. She's not in the mood for idle chit chat. 'Fine'

'What've you been up to?'

'You're here to pick up the kids. Not to talk to me'

'You were literally just having a go at me for not communicating with you Peyton!' He exclaims.

'About our children' She emphasises and turns around to start tackling the sink.

'Well I'll get a run down on their day from them in a minute. I won't get a run down on yours though'

'Mine is none of your business'

'No?' He hums over the running tap.

'No'

He cringes when she begins to angrily wash the items, bowls clattering onto the drying rack.

He knows he shouldn't ask. Knows he's treading a dangerous path. '...Who was he?'

'...What?' Her eyes narrow because he's suddenly switched topics and she's not following.

'The guy you were with. In town today?'

She looks over her shoulder at him incredulously. 'Please tell me you're not following me'

'I was in town. I happened to see you' He leans around her and turns the tap off because it's on the brink over over flowing unbeknownst to her. 'You know whether you like it or not we're still married right?' He regrets it as soon as it passes his lips because his wife doesn't appreciate an interrogation at the best of times, least of all when she most definitely doesn't deserve it but he can't help himself.

'Excuse me?'

And now he's started he can't stop. 'Are you dating people?' She snorts. Laughs. Loudly. 'I'm not fucking laughing Peyton. Answer me'

'I'm not-' She returns to her washing up 'dignifying that with an answer-'

'You have to answer me-'

'Parents evening is on Friday. I tried to get late appointments so it's more convenient for you. Sawyer's is at 5.15 and Roe's is at 5.45' She tersely changes the subject.

'Who was he?'

'Don't be late please' She continues.

'I won't. Can you please just fucking tell me who he was?'

'Lucas, who I see and _do_ is none of your business'

His fingers constrict around her arm as she places a wet plate on the side 'That better be a god damn joke'

'Or what? What will you do? Are you forgetting we're getting a divorce? I don't plan on being alone for the rest of my life' She growls.

'This divorce has got nothing to do with me! You know if it were up to me I'd still be in this god damn house'

'It's not up to you though is it?! You need to sign the papers Lucas' She jerks her arm out of his hold, simultaneously sending droplets of water into his face.

'Can you stop calling me fucking Lucas!' He snaps because he feels like he's being continuously told off. He supposes he is. He wipes the wetness from his cheek 'Can you just put yourself in my shoes a minute and think about me-'

'Were you thinking about me? When you were fucking her?'

He cringes. Regret swells in his belly because now definitely isn't the time for this. And their youngest daughter's appearance only emphasises that. 'This conversation isn't over' He mumbles as he paints on a bright smile for his little girl.

'Daddy!'

'Roe boat' He lifts the seven year old up as she catapults into his arms. He doesn't miss the way Peyton haphazardly dries her hands on a dish towel and turns her back to them. Knows she's composing herself and that when she turns back around that mask will be back in place. 'You ready to go have pizza?'

'Uhuh. I get to choose this time right?'

'Yup. Where's your sister?'

'She doesn't want to come'

Lucas sighs. 'Here, stay with Mummy while I go have a word' He kisses her nose and sets her back on the floor before venturing off to win round the sulking eleven year old in question.

'...You and Daddy were arguing'

Peyton looks down at the little girl that is peering up at her. Great big blue eyes and lashes that go on forever. Her hair is coming loose from the braids her Mother had tied this morning and the fly away locks whisper around her little cherub cheeks to frame her face. 'Just talking baby'

'You said the F word'

Peyton's face contorts then. She's thankful that it's their youngest daughter that has overheard the heated exchange of words because she's sure their meaning will have floated right over her head. Her eldest daughter is more on the ball. She silently reprimands herself because she'd thought they'd gotten to a point where they were capable of being civil when the children were under the same roof. 'Sorry Roe I, that was naughty of Mummy'

'Daddy said it too'

'Yeah. We just...don't agree about a few things honey'

'Are you always going to be cross at Daddy?'

'I'm not cross. I'm...' Peyton squats down and holds the little girl's hands. 'I know everything is really tough right now and there's lots of changes but it's going to get easier. We're just figuring things out'

'Daddy is going to come home soon?'

Peyton's heart aches with the hope that invades the little girl's eyes. '...No' she swallows. 'But that doesn't mean we're going to stop being a family. We'll always be a family' Peyton nods.

'Me and Sawyer have to sleep in Daddy's bed and he has to sleep on the sofa when we go stay at Nana's and I don't like it'

Peyton wills the lump in the back of her throat to go away. 'I know. But Daddy is just temporarily staying at Nana's honey. He'll have his own place eventually and you and Sawyer will have your own rooms-'

'I like my room here'

'Your room here isn't going anywhere'

'I don't need two rooms. I just need one. I'm only small'

Peyton smiles at the seven year old's pondering. 'I know'

'I just want one room. I don't want two. I don't want two houses and two toothbrushes and two front doors and two gardens' She rambles on. 'I don't want two mummy's and two daddy's'

Peyton softly shakes her head as her daughter gets to where she was always going. 'That's not happening honey'

'My friend Skyla's Mummy and Daddy split up and now they married other people and she has two mummy's and two daddy's'

'That's not what's happening here Roe. Me and Daddy aren't marrying anyone else'

'Ever?'

Peyton pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Her instinct is to say no. Her instinct is to protect the child but she can't lie because that's not protecting her from anything in the long run. 'Well I don't know baby. I can't see the future and I can't speak for your father...I can only speak for me and I don't think that's something I'll ever do again'

'Cause you still love Daddy?'

'Because for me marriage meant forever and I don't think I'd feel right doing it again when it didn't work out the first time'

'But if it's forever for you why are you and Daddy not staying married?'

'Because we're not getting along Roewyn. You don't like us arguing do you?'

'No'

'I think it would be better if we didn't argue don't you?'

'Yes'

'I think for that to happen we can't be together anymore. We just need to be friends'

'I dunno Mum. I don't think you're good at being friends'

Peyton smiles. 'We'll try harder' She strokes her daughter's cheek. 'I'm sorry sweetheart'

The child sighs dramatically. 'Ok' She leans forward and links her arms round her mothers neck. 'Daddy does love you though Mummy'

'Has he said that to you?' Peyton frowns.

'No. I just know'

Peyton presses her lips together. 'He loves me for giving him you and your sister and I'll always love him for giving me the two of you too'

'I am pretty great'

Peyton laughs then. 'Uhuh. The best'

'If you love each other cause you've got me why don't you just love each other here. At home'

'Cause that's a different type of love baby. Being in love with someone is different and...hard for me to explain. You either are or you're not'

'But you were so how can you suddenly not be?'

'Sometimes just time does that. You'll understand when you're bigger'

'Why do grown ups say that?' She rolls her eyes.

'I know- it's mean huh?!' Peyton leaves a loud kiss on her daughter's cheek then and she shrieks.

'Mummy!'

'Sometimes you have to experience something to understand something though. And sometimes that means growing up. You're so lucky you know that? Your adventure is just beginning Roewyn Scott'

The seven year old grins. 'I like adventures'

'Uhuh. Adventure number one, go find your shoes so you can go get pizza with your sister and Daddy'

'I wish you could come on that adventure'

Peyton bats her hand. 'I've got lots of work stuff to do. You can tell me all about it tomorrow'

'Ok'

'Ok. Scoot Roe Boat' She issues her with another kiss before rising back to her full height and giving her a gentle shove in the right direction. 'Love you'

'To the moon?'

'And back' Peyton affirms.

'And forwards?' Roewyn pauses in the doorway and looks back at her, a goofy smile on her face.

'All the directions' Her mother indulges her.

'All at once?'

'Uhuh you goofball. Shoes!' The child scarpers then with a giggle and her mother's smile instantly wanes like always. Because it's just a mask. She's not sure when her life became such a charade but a charade it is. She wakes up and paints on a smile for her children but it doesn't matter how good an actress she can be, they're not fooled. Their world is crumbling along with hers and she just wants to fix it. But there's no fixing this. She never saw herself winding up here. She still wakes up some mornings convinced she must be asleep because this is surely a nightmare because she was never meant to be the girl that gets a divorce. She's not that girl. But it's too messy. Too broken. It's a tangled web of deception that there's no coming back from, of that she's sure.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thank you for your initial response to chapter one!

TWO

'Have _you_ said sorry?' The eleven year old has been silent for the entirety of the drive. Her feet propped up on the dashboard, her face resolutely staring out the window.

His endeavours to include her in the animated conversation he's been having with seven year old in the back seat have failed so he's surprised by her mumbled words.

'To Mum' She clarifies. She needn't have.

He's pulled up to their local pizza joint. 'Hey Roe boat- wanna go and order for me?'

'By myself?' She asks excitedly.

'Uhuh' He fumbles in his pocket for some cash and then backtracks. 'Tell Uncle Skills I'll pay him later'

'Kay-'

'And no cookies! Just the pizza Roewyn' He hollers after her. He doesn't get an answer, the car door conveniently slamming. He sighs because whether she requests said treats or not he's certain her Uncle Skills will bestow them on her and he's going to get a rant from Peyton about how he always returns them buzzing on e numbers. He waits until his youngest daughter enters his friend's establishment. Watches through the window as she high fives the staff and is then swooped up into Skills arms. 'Your Uncle Skills is waving at you Sawyer' The unhappy child half heartedly returns the gesture, her mind preoccupied. '...of course I've apologised to your Mother' He finally answers her question, his attention fully on her now.

'Then why aren't you back home?! What did you do?'

'We've been through this. Me and Mum just aren't getting on right now and need some space'

'Divorce isn't space Dad' She looks at him incredulously. 'I'm not Roewyn. You're treating me like a little kid'

He scrapes his hand through his hair. '...nothing is for sure right now'

'Mum seems sure'

'She just needs time and space, and you know what would help me out? If you'd give her a break'

'...I just want things to go back to normal'

'Me too. I'm working on it sweetheart, I've told you-'

'Work harder' He nods in answer to her demand because he can't refuse her, never has been able to. She's a daddy's girl through and through. 'Can I go to the party on Friday?'

'Did you really just ask that?' His brow is raised, a mixture of amusement and disbelief in his eyes.

A small smile touches her lips and she shrugs her shoulders. 'Worth a shot'

'The verdict has already come in on that'

'Verdicts can be wrong'

'Not in this case sweetheart. Your Mum's reasoning is completely valid. Your friend's Dad has been accused of some not so nice things that I didn't know about when I said yes and whilst they might not be true we're not about to wing it on your safety'

She sighs wearily. 'Sarah says it's not true'

'Kids don't always know the full extent of what's going on honey-'

'Tell me about it' She exhales huffily.

'Me and Mum only ever try and protect you kiddo'

She's picking at her nails now. 'I heard Aunt Brooke telling Mum she could borrow some money' There's a tightness in his chest because he's uncomfortable with where this is headed. 'Do we not have any money any more?'

'We're fine Sawyer. You don't need to worry about stuff like that-'

'You've not paid Uncle Skills for Pizza for the last three times we've come here'

'I just pay him when I meet up with him and the guys'

She looks at him suspiciously then.

Roewyn's reappearance has never been more welcomed. He paints on a bright smile as she awkwardly juggles a big box and a paper bag. 'Uncle Skills said I HAD to have the cookies'

'Had to huh?'

'Uhuh'

He sighs. 'If I let you have those, no telling your Mum. Deal?'

'Deal!'

•••

'When did you last leave this room?'

'Jesus christ B' Peyton drops the drawing article in her hand and jumps a mile. 'The emergency key I gave you was for emergencies! How long have you been standing there?!'

'Long enough to know I'm kidnapping you and taking you to dinner. It is an emergency, you need out of this house'

'As lovely as that sounds I can't, I've gotta get this finished and I've got a small window of time before the girls are back' She wavers to her desk.

Brooke sighs and walks further into the room. The blonde's stare is already back on the drawing before her, pencil back in hand. Her hair is pulled up on top of her head, a paint brush weaved into her locks to keep it in place. 'You have to eat' Brooke begins to reason. 'You're due a break-'

'This was due yesterday, I've already missed a million deadlines lately'

'You're working yourself into the ground' Brooke bluntly declares as she surveys the disarray.

'I'm fine. I promise I'm fine B' Peyton hums.

'Do not feed me the I'm fine bullshit. It's me. You're not fucking fine' Brooke snorts because she's sick of her friend's declarations.

'Why thanks for the support best friend' Peyton dryly retorts, glancing up from her illustration.

'Being supportive isn't walking on eggshells and telling you what you want to hear. It's being honest and this' Brooke flails her hands. 'This is going to make you ill sooner or later. You look awful'

'Gees, again, thank you' Peyton mumbles. 'Will you quit circling me like I'm your prey'

'You need a rest' Brooke halts her pacing.

'I can't loose this job. It's a big one and the pay is good-'

'For the umpteenth time just let me help you for a while-'

'I'm not taking your money' Peyton wearily emphasises.

'You're not taking it, I'm giving it!'

'I don't want you to give it to me!' Peyton whines because they seem to keep having this argument and she doesn't know how else to say thank you but no thank you.

'Peyton I have a stupid amount of money and the only time I enjoy that is when I'm giving it to others-'

'That need it' Peyton nods.

'You need it!'

'I'm not a charity case!'

'No! You're my Best friend and you need some help. It can just be a loan if it hurts your pride too much to actually just have it'

Peyton chews on the inside of her cheek and puts her pencil down because any and every marking she's put on the page in the last ten minutes is a disaster.

'...I love, love how much you care, I love that you want to help me but I've got to be able to do this by myself B-'

'You are doing it by yourself. This would just be temporary while you get yourself back on your feet. My god daughters need a mother, not a fucking zombie' She quips.

Peyton regards her wearily. 'It's not going to be like this forever. I'll never be able to afford this house on my salary alone' She discloses then. 'I've been kidding myself thinking we can stay here'

Brooke carefully shifts a finished drawing off of the stool beside her friend. 'Can I put this here?'

'Uhuh'

She lays it atop of a pile of other drawings. 'It's gorgeous by the way'

'...thanks'

Brooke perches on the seat and takes her friends hands. 'Selling huh? That's big'

'I know. I think it's the right thing though'

'...Maybe selling wouldn't be the worst thing. I know you love this house and if you want to stay then fine, we'll make that happen. I can help with payments-' She smiles at her friend's frustrated glare. 'What? I can! But' She adds. 'I can't help but think a new place might be good for you, a fresh start. I know this was your dream house though...'

Peyton's nostrils flare and she swallows thickly. '...it's not really living up to the dream' Brooke smiles sadly. '...I just, I haven't considered it until now because this is their home, you know?'

'Their home is wherever you are. It'll be a change but a good change if the alternative is you sat in your studio day and night. I think they'd rather see their Mumma from time to time...'

'...yeah. I can't carry on like this forever' She acknowledges.

'I've got a realtor friend- I'll find you their deets'

'Thanks'

Brooke bats her hand dismissively. '...so what does Luke think about this?'

'...that conversation is yet to be had. He's not in any position to argue'

'No. Not that that'll stop him...I ran into him earlier'

'Yeah?'

'Mhm' Brooke regards her carefully as she averts her eyes and starts fiddling with her drawing articles. 'No questions?'

'Should I have?'

'He had many for me about you' Peyton sighs. 'The main being who you were at lunch with yesterday'

'Course it was. He's already given me that interrogation' She sniggers and glances at her inquisitive friend. 'Don't look so excited. He was from a publishing company. He was interested in me illustrating a new title that's expected to be big'

'Well that's great honey' Brooke beams.

'Mm. I had to say no'

'No. Why?'

'Luke's new book will be released around the same time. I said I'd illustrate his and I-'

'Ok, I'm gonna stop you right there' Brooke cuts off. 'Hell no'

'...er what?' Peyton's taken aback by her friend's wild expression.

'What? Peyton you're getting a divorce, he does not deserve your loyalty over this-'

'This is about business not us-'

'Oh whatever!' Brooke shrilly exclaims. 'Any time you two work on anything it's the most intimate thing ever! Peyton he stole from you! His own fucking wife. He's taken all of your savings and cheated on you and yet you're still considering his feelings' She swallows. 'He doesn't get a say! You're worried sick about money. This is a big deal for you if it pays well and if it's a success what better way to get your name out there even more! Even if you two were together the right thing for him to do would be to encourage you to accept this over his work. You're so damn good at what you do, the whole world should see it. You know I'm right'

Peyton ponders her friends passionate declaration. '...it doesn't feel right B' She whispers and pulls the paint brush from her hair. Her messy locks fall down around her face. 'I hate him. I hate him so much but god that doesn't mean I don't still...' The sob that passes her quivering lips is abrupt and has Brooke lurching from her stool to embrace her distressed friend.

'Oh honey, I know' Brooke coos. 'I know you still love him'

'I h-hate th-this. Sawyer h-hates me! Roe d-doesn't understand! I d-don't know what I'm d-doing!'

'You're exhausted sweetie. You're a warrior and you're going to get through this but you need to be easier on yourself. And by that I mean not putting yourself in outright ridiculous situations. I know how hard this is but I just, I can't watch you make it harder on yourself. You can't bloody work with him. Maybe you'll be able to in the future but not now. You two can barely be in a room together for five minutes before hell breaks loose let alone work on any project' Brooke exhales heavily. 'I mean if I knew you wanted to get back together-'

'I don't, I don't want that' Peyton shakes her head adamantly. 'But what I want d-doesn't change how I f-feel' She shudders.

'I know, I know. It will get easier'

'Will it?' Peyton whispers because she doesn't see how. Can't see how this can get better because she's certain her feelings for her husband are forever, certain that they won't ever go away. She sighs. 'I'm sorry, I know I've been nothing but misery lately'

'Don't you dare apologise to me Peyton' Brooke sternly disregards her apology. '...I think you should tell the girls'

'...What?' Peyton blinks and looks into her friend's face. 'We have told them'

'You're sugar coating everything for them. I think, and this is coming from a kid of divorce, I just, I think it would've been so much easier on me if I'd known the facts. You get fed all this bullshit and then you hit an age when it's painstakingly obvious what the the hell went down. I just wish I'd known earlier and in this instance I want them to know for them and you'

'Luke doesn't want them knowing that he-'

'Of course he fucking doesn't but he doesn't call all the shots and he's not with them twenty four seven right now is he?'

'I don't want them to know either though B, I don't want them knowing he did that! Roe is so little!'

'You can give her a vague explanation and I promise you she'll deal with it better than anyone, kids are far more accepting' Brooke softly declares.

'What, what if it affects them when they're older too? I mean their relationships with people...' She trails off with Brooke's wide eyed expression and her fingers pointing to herself.

'Uhuh. Exactly P. It did affect me and I think if I'd known the facts sooner than I did I wouldn't have had all this anger towards Daddy. I hated Mum for so long and then when I realised it was Dad all along' She shakes her head. 'If they'd told me and there were apologies I think as a kid I would've been more forgiving. When I was older it was harder because on top of all this shit there was this layer of mistrust because I'd been lied to too and then guilt for being so awful to Mum. I mean yeah she was a psycho but she wasn't to blame for everything' Peyton grimaces. 'You're not a psycho' Brooke laminates suddenly. 'You and Luke aren't my parents' She animatedly adds. 'That's so not what I'm saying'

'I know' Peyton smiles wearily. 'I've got that going for me at least huh?'

'Always winning when you're nothing like Bitchtoria...have you seen Karen?'

'...no. Not really other than the day I demanded he get out. She's text me a couple of times' Brooke nods. 'Have you seen her?'

'Yeah, I mean you know I can't survive without her coffee'

'Right' Peyton smiles. 'How is she?'

'Worried' Brooke murmurs. 'She's in the dark like the girls huh?' Peyton rolls her eyes then because she's not the least bit surprised that he's still not come clean to her mother-in-law. 'He needs to fucking grow a pair and if he doesn't you're well within your right to enlighten her' Brooke complains.

'She knows about the money' Peyton sighs. 'I guess that's bad enough'

'She's not stupid. She knows this isn't just about money'

'Has she been quizzing you?'

Brooke shrugs. 'She's enquired not so subtly'

'I'm sorry I'm making you part of all these dirty secrets...I guess I've not put pressure on him to come clean because I, the whole town knowing it, it's...humiliating'

'For him. Not you' Brooke hums.

'No? I couldn't keep him happy Brooke-'

'Nonsense- don't you dare think that. Do not blame yourself'

'I know. I know' She shakes her head and blinks away her tears and abruptly stands. 'How about that dinner?'

The brunette knows she's done talking about this then and wants to be distracted. 'Yeah?' She's only too happy to oblige.

'Yeah, it'll have to be take out' She glances at her watch 'He's meant to bring the girls back in an hour'

'Anything is fine with me as long as it includes wine. And you know what we're gonna do after your second glass, you're gonna ring that publishers and say you'll meet with that author and illustrate his book!'


	3. Chapter 3

THREE

'Sawyer hasn't been very focused lately'

Peyton squirms.

'There's been some changes going on at home' Lucas speaks then. 'Sawyer hasn't taken it that well but we're all getting there'

Peyton intervenes then because she doesn't agree and unlike Lucas she'd rather be honest if it'll help their child. 'We're getting a divorce' She shares. 'I don't know how to make it easier for her. She doesn't understand why and needless to say she's got a lot of anger'

'I see' The teacher before them nods. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of the situation'

'No' Peyton bats her hand. 'I'm sorry I guess I should've informed the school of what was going on. We're no longer living together. Sawyer has a lot of questions'

'It might not be my place but I have a lot of experience in seeing children go through big changes of this nature. I find the ones to come out the other side most unscathed are those whose parents have been most explicit. I know it's always our nature to try and protect our kids but they're smart. They see more than we ever give them credit and feeding them lies or honeying the truth can be confusing'

'Well thank you for your advice' Lucas tersely remarks. 'We have been clear with them-'

'We have?' Peyton hums. ' _I_ have but anytime they come back from spending time with you they're under the illusion that you might be coming home soon' She smiles falsely.

He refrains from telling her he _will_ be coming home soon despite his desire to do so and instead focuses on the teacher because he doesn't want to air his dirty laundry here so to speak, even if Peyton is keen to do so. 'We've been transparent with the girls bit I don't think they need to know all the nitty gritty details-'

'No because that will mean their picture perfect view of you will be tarnished won't it?' Peyton mutters.

His head swivels to regard her then, surprise etched on his face because he hadn't anticipated her throwing him under the bus, least of all here of all places.

'I'm sorry' her apology is for the teacher before them, not him. 'My husband is concerned about how his infidelities will affect our children's future relationships. Ironic huh?'

'Peyton'

'What?' She raises one brow. 'Isn't that what you said? And in the mean time I'm the big bad wolf that's sent Daddy dearest away'

'You agreed'

'Yeah, I also agreed to marrying you but that was also a big error huh' She scrapes her hand through her hair, her concern for Sawyer is fuelling her uncharacteristic outburst. 'I'm so sorry, we're being completely inappropriate. As you can see it's no wonder Sawyer isn't focused. I'm doing my best to help her but I, I don't know how to make it better'

The teacher shifts in her seat 'We do have some school counsellors that would be happy to assist in this transition. It might be good if we set Sawyer up with some sessions if that's something you're both interested in?'

Lucas frowns 'I hardly think that's necessary-'

'It is necessary' Peyton shakes her head in disbelief. 'She needs help Lucas! I want her to be able to talk to someone if she needs to because she clearly isn't talking to us! Don't let your stupid pride get in the way of doing what's right for the wellbeing of our child'

His jaw juts out. '...Fine'

'Can I run it by her first?' She's ignoring his reluctant agreement. 'I don't want her feeling like I'm making her do anything she doesn't want to right now'

'You're not?' Lucas mutters earning him a deathly glower.

'I think that's a sensible idea Mrs Scott. Have a chat with her tonight and I'll speak to her tomorrow- how does that sound?'

•••

They somehow make it through their youngest daughter's appointment without having a full blown fight. Roewyn's teacher having nothing concerning to report to the riled parents perhaps is to thanks for that. The seven year old's glowing report hasn't diminished the tension between them though; flickering embers ready to spark into flames.

'I know you're pissed and that's fine but don't fucking do that' He wavers his hand at her as they reach the parking lot.

'Don't do what?' She scowls. She knows what. Knows exactly but she's outraged that he thinks he has the right to be mad with her right now.

'Don't tell people our shit!'

'It was a parents evening Lucas. Our daughter is clearly struggling and all you're taking away from that is that I hurt your feelings for telling a teacher that you're an unfaithful bastard?!' She cries.

He opens and closes his mouth. Shakes his head and then he's turning his back on her in irritation. They're in front of their respective cars now and the sight of that alone distresses him. There should be one. They should've come to this thing together. They should be leaving together. 'Do not make out that Sawyer's wellbeing isn't my concern here-'

'Well show it! Stop making every situation about us damn it!' She sighs. 'She's struggling and that's our fault. Ours!' The strap of her hand bag falls off her shoulder with her hissed exclaim and she irritatedly shoves it back into place.

'...it's not your fault. It's mine' He quietly corrects.

She's a little taken aback by that because whilst he's made countless grovelling apologies to her he's also been keen to cast blame in her direction from time to time too and him explicitly taking responsibility is a first.

'I...' She sighs. 'I just think she could benefit from talking to someone about all this. If she doesn't want to, fine. I won't push it but she should have the choice'

'...I've already agreed haven't I?'

'Begrudgingly...you don't think I wish she wasn't going through this? You don't think I feel responsible too? But brushing it under the rug is what results in people not being able to share their feelings- the last thing I want is for her to be emotionally closed off-'

'I've agreed' He cuts her off snappily because he feels like she's making a dig at him. Lord knows she's yelled at him that he never confides in her enough times in recent months. 'I've agreed' He repeats more calmly.

She chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment, knows she's offended him. There's words she wants to say but it'll just be her rehashing things she's said time and time again and he clearly hasn't taken note of anything she's said previously so she stops herself from wasting her breath. '...I need to talk to you about some things Luke'

Luke. She's not addressed him as that in a long while and he drowns in her quiet murmur '...Okay?' He thought they were talking.

'Maybe we should...get a coffee?'

'Sure, sure- Mum's?-'

'No' The last thing she wants is Karen's nervous gaze on them nor to be in a public setting. This is a conversation to be had without an audience. 'I, I'll grab us some and meet you at the river court?'

He squints at her. Is trying to work out what this is concerning considering she doesn't want to have this conversation in the parking lot of their children's school. The little seed of hope turns into a seed of worry.

•••

She'd instantly regretted her choice of location as soon as she'd got in the car. Wondered if her destination would give him the wrong idea. She'd not been thinking but she makes up for that as she drives to pick them up a coffee. Her brain goes into overdrive. After all the River court was wrapped up with so much meaning for them. It was a big part of their story. It was part of their beginning. She supposes it's fitting it plays a part in the end too.

She's surprised he's not tossing a ball around when she gets there. He's sat on the bleachers, his expression pensive.

'Sorry I took so long. It was busy' She sits beside him and hands him his drink.

He inspects the paper cup 'Mum would have your head for going to that coffee house you know'

'Mm' She agrees. 'But it was more on route' And didn't involve having to see the woman in question.

'Did you put-'

'Yes one sugar' She rolls her eyes because one time she forgot. One time over seven years ago and ever since he always questions whether it's got the one sugar.

'Thanks' They both sip their beverages. '...We've not been down here in ages'

'..No' She supposes they haven't. 'You should bring the girls down here more, they'd like it if you played with them'

'Yeah...don't you want them to follow in your footsteps?'

She frowns. 'Cheer?'

'Uhuh'

'Not particularly. Not that there's anything wrong with it I guess, it was never really me was it?'

'You weren't that...cheery' He smirks. He can picture her standing by the tree on the far side. Picture her scowling in her little cheer outfit. 'You looked hot though'

'You want your girls in those outfits?' She knows her question will get his mind out the gutter.

It does. He grimaces. 'No' He admits.

'I just think there's other things I'd rather they do but I guess it's not up to us'

'No' They both know they have zero control over their girls likes and dislikes. 'We can still influence though. I'll start bringing them down here'

She thinks she'd like to watch that. They'd come down here a lot when Sawyer had been little. Seeing him lift the then three year old up high to dunk the ball through the net had always made her heart sore. She blinks. She didn't come here to reminisce. Reminiscing is too painful because god had she been happy. '...So I wanted to talk about some things' He takes another sip of his coffee and waits. '...The first thing is the house'

'The house' He repeats.

'Yes I, I think we should sell'

'Sell'

'Yes. You can't stay with your Mum forever and I can't afford-'

'You don't need to worry about money, I've told you before, I just need you to hang on a bit longer, I'm figuring it out'

She looks at him exasperatedly then. 'Forgive me if I don't hold my breath over that' His words make her nervous. 'So help me Luke if you're doing anything stupid-'

'I'm not, I'm not. I swear' He holds his hands up.

She eyes him suspiciously for a moment. '...there's nothing for you to figure out. The girls and I can downsize. I'd rather avoid the stress of making big payments when it's not necessary-'

'It's our dream house and the girls home-'

'It's not that anymore though' She shakes her head.

'Peyton-'

'It's not. If we sell it will make it a lot easier. It's ridiculous that we've not even had this talk yet. If I downsize I'll be able to cover costs by myself and you'll be in a better position to get an apartment and can just concentrate on child support-'

'You don't need to cover any costs by yourself' He crosses his arms.

She exhales heavily. 'Whilst I appreciate your willingness to do that you're not exactly in any position to do so and that's not how divorce works-'

'I have a responsibility to look after you-'

'Don't be a sexist dick' She runs her hand through her hair and turns away from him. 'I can look after myself a whole lot better' She mutters.

'This book is going to do well Peyt- I've asked Nate for a loan' He begrudgingly tells her. 'We'll be able to last out until the book tour starts and then-'

'I don't want to be in debt to our family and friends Luke! I don't know when or how we'll pay them back!'

'Let me worry about that-'

'Last time I let you control our finances you drained our account!' She hisses. 'This isn't a debate. I want to sell. I want a fresh start. I've been thinking about this all week and I've decided it'll help the girls too. They need to understand that this is over' Her hand wavers between them. He takes a hold of one of them.

'Peyton-'

'And I think you do too' She snatches her fingers out of his. 'You need to tell your Mum the truth. This isn't going away!'

'This is between us-'

'I feel like I can't fucking see her right now and that, that's not fair on me-'

'You can see her whenever you like, what are you on about?'

'No I can't! She's not stupid, she knows this isn't just about our finances. She knows me! She knows I'd stand by you! I'm sick of Haley telling me you need me and us being apart isn't helping anyone-'

'She's right!'

'Yeah? I know she'd think differently if she knew the truth!' His head is pounding. He rubs the back of his neck. 'If you don't tell them, I will-'

'Peyton come on-'

'No Luke! I'm sick of the comments and as much as I'd rather the whole fucking town not know that I wasn't enough-'

'You are enough!' He interrupts but she talks over him.

'I'd rather they know than give me the constant advice about how marriage is fucking hard work!' She rants. 'So if you don't tell your Mum and Nate and Hales then I will and I, I'm going to tell my Dad too' She nods.

Her announcement makes him feel queasy for a number of reasons. He doesn't want his family to know the extent of his behaviour because the shame is already intolerable. Coming clean also means she's serious about their separation and that fills him with dread. He's becoming more uncertain with each passing day that he's going to be able to fix this.

'... not the girls though. Please not the girls'

Her nostrils flare. '...You can't hide this from them forever...Brooke's right-'

'Brooke? Can you stop using Brooke as your shrink-'

'She's our friend, my best friend! She's been the biggest support and actually she's got first hand experience of being where Sawyer and Roe are right now. You know what screwed her up most? The lies. Sometimes in trying our best to protect them it actually causes more harm...' She sighs. She's not going to push the girls right now, one goal at a time. 'There's something else' He doesn't think he wants to hear anymore because this conversation hasn't exactly included anything good as of yet. '...I've been offered a job to illustrate Julian Baker's latest kids book. I'm going to take it which means I can't do yours'

He squints at her. '...you're, you're already-'

'The money is too good to turn down so I don't really have a choice and it'll mean a lot for me' She hesitantly finds his gaze. '...we can't work together anyway'

'Why not?!'

'Why not? Because we've not had a civil conversation in weeks is why! How is that going to work logistically?'

'We can be professional!'

'I don't think we can...' She sighs. 'I'm doing this and I won't be sorry about it. You should be happy for me'

'Happy for you' He snorts. 'My wife is screwing me over-'

'Screwing you over? You really want to go there? I'm trying to clear up your fucking mess actually! And yeah, it might help my career but you should want that for me! If anyone has screwed anyone over here it's you!' Her voice has risen and Lucas's gaze warily circuits their surroundings to check they're still very much alone. He pinches the bridge of his nose.

'I'm trying to fix this-'

'You can't go back and not fuck her' She sniggers. 'You can stop making this so fucking hard for me though'

His hand finds her back then because he knows she's on the verge of tears. '...I'm not trying to make it hard. I'm trying to fight for us' He murmurs.

'Well stop' She whispers. 'I mean it Luke. I'm not going to change my mind. What I want from you is to just concentrate on being the best version of yourself for our children and that means you need to sign the divorce papers and let me try and move on with my life and stop filling Sawyer's head with ideas that this isn't happening!'

'I love you Peyton'

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. 'I'm gonna go now'

'No' He clasps her forearms and her eyes stay resolutely shut. 'I want to keep talking'

'I've said all I have to say and we're just gonna stand here and go around in circles'

'Look at me' She sighs. 'Look at me' Her eyes flutter open. 'I know you still love me'

'You know what I know? You've broken my heart and my whole world and no I love you's is gonna change that' He exhales heavily. 'Can you let me go please'

His fingers reluctantly uncurl.

'Thank you for being on time to their parents evening. Brooke's got some real estate friend- She's putting me in contact with her. I'll let you know more about the house when I hear back from her ok?'

 _Not ok_. He so very nearly says it but stops himself. He licks his lips. 'Ok'


	4. Chapter 4

FOUR

'I thought you might be here'

Peyton startles. She's avoided this, seeing her mother in law. She's avoided it for far too long. So much so that Karen has taken matters into her own hands. She holds up the posy of flowers in her hand.

'For your Mumma'

Peyton smiles. Is touched because this woman has always gone above and beyond for her. Has always remembered the important dates that could easily be overlooked. 'You needn't have done that'

Karen lays the hand cut flowers on the grave and touches the headstone. 'I always pop in and see her when I'm visiting Keith. I fill her in on the little things. Nana to Nana'

Peyton's heart swells. 'I'm sure she likes that'

'It's the least I can do considering I got you as my daughter' Peyton looks up to the sky before she starts crying. '...I've told her how worried I am about you...' Karen sinks onto the grass beside her daughter-in-law then.

'...I'm sorry'

'I've missed you sweetie' Peyton abruptly flings her arms around her tight. 'Honey' Karen rubs her back and feels the younger mother melt into her embrace

'I'm so sorry. Me too' Peyton hoarsely utters.

Karen shakes her head as she withdraws and Peyton cautiously averts her eyes to the grass.

'...I hate seeing you two like this. I know you're hurting sweetie. I know he's done this awful thing but you two love each other and you can get through this' Karen murmurs after a beat. 'I can't believe how stupid he's been but I know what fuelled all this was wanting to give you everything-'

'I never, never put pressure on him to source that kind of money-'

'I know, I wasn't implying that you've ever put pressure on him...'

Peyton swallows thickly. '...I know why he did what he did' She nods. 'But I, I asked him outright about money and he, he made me think the profits from the last book were...' She sighs. She's rehashed this topic so many times it makes her head ache. '...Who lies about that?! Who does that? I don't understand at all because it, we never lie and it, it's not like I was telling him I wanted us to do it again...I, I know I'd been desperate for...but I, he's my husband! I shouldn't feel responsible for this just because I was open with him for my desire for another child! He wanted it just as much as me, at least that's what he said!'

'You're not responsible. You know he can't bear being helpless-'

'So it's my fault he gambled away everything? Because I can't carry another child? Because-'

'No' Karen cuts off. 'You know that's not what I was saying'

'...I know but it...'

'It's how you feel' Karen deduces. 'Sweetheart everybody makes their own choices and if I'm honest he's always had an addictive personality. He just always put it to good use. Into writing. Into basket ball' Peyton ponders the older woman's words. 'I think you and I would describe it more as passion but there's been frequent occasions over the course of his life when he's worked obsessively on something...only this time it wasn't put to good. He's always wanted to give you the world. I just wish he'd come to all of us. You know we would've all chipped in and-'

'I didn't even want to do it again' Peyton emphasises. 'It, it doesn't get easier, you'd think I'd be a pro at miscarrying at this point...I made peace with the one in between Sawyer and Roe but I, I think having her after made it a bit easier'

'I know...' Karen's hand runs up and down the blonde's back. '...It's been a tough few years and it's played a toll on the both of you but you two can get through this. You can start again- he's gone to a couple of meetings. Has he told you that?' Peyton's rounded eyes travel back to Karen's desperate face. She didn't know that. Karen nods. 'Gambling anonymous. It only took me five weeks to make him go but he has and he promised he'd keep it up. For you, for the girls'

Peyton swallows. '...that, that's good'

'Let him come home honey, this isn't going to get fixed with you apart'

Peyton runs her hand through her curls. She'd given him two weeks. She'd pre-warned him. He's out of time. He's had his chance. '...He can't come back. It, it's not just about the money Karen...' Her voice is suddenly so small. There's a lump in the back of her throat. 'Fuck...' She hates him because this was meant to come from him. Not her. 'Sorry' She breathes out an apology for her cursing. 'I'm just...' She exhales heavily. 'I don't think I should be the one telling you this but he's clearly not going to and, and I told him if he didn't I would. By not telling you I think in his head he can pretend this isn't happening' She gulps.

'Honey?' A crease forms on Karen's face.

'You think I'm just mad about our finances but I, I'd never have made him leave over that'

'I know it's not just the money. Your relationship has been under a lot of strain...We're family though sweetheart. I know I'm his mother but whatever goes on between you two that's not going to change how much I love you, it's not going to change you being in my life. You're the mother of my grandchildren'

Peyton nods, a watery smile on her lips for a second. 'I needed to hear that' She whispers. '...I don't want to loose you'

'You're not going to loose me'

She licks her lips. 'I know you think we, we can resolve this but I' She takes an exaggerated breath. '...he slept with someone else'

Silence.

The mousy haired woman can't control her mouth. Her lips part.

'I could support him through the gambling. Of course I could. I would've gotten over that betrayal...' She nods. '...this is more than just those lies, it, it's not the same...' She shakes her head. '...I can't...'

'...what? No I, I can't believe it' The gaping mother mumbles.

'...he told me himself' Karen's stomach knots because any assumptions she could make about her daughter-in-law merely being suspicious of infidelity are gone then. '...everyone in this town is looking at me like I'm a crazy person but I never wanted this' Peyton quietly declares. '...this is the last thing I ever wanted but I just can't get past it' Her words become choked and in all of a heart beat Karen's arm is back around her. 'I'm s-sorry-'

Karen shakes her head wildly. 'What in heaven's name for? I'm sorry!' Karen blurts. 'I had no idea...I...I...who? Do you know who?'

'...His, his editor' Peyton mutters through gritted teeth.

'No' Karen's shock intensifies. '...I don't understand...'

'..you're not the only one...'

'It, it's an ongoing thing?'

'He s-says it was one night but I don't know. It, it's not like I can believe a word he says considering all the other lies is it?'

'...I, I don't think he'd lie if he was coming clean about it anyway'

'...maybe but I...it doesn't make any difference to me' She whispers. 'We're getting a divorce'

•••

'Where've you been?' He's cleaning the dishes and when he doesn't get a response he glances over his shoulder at his mother. '...what?' His brow furrows because she's stood in the doorway, her bag still slung over her shoulder. She licks her lips. Closes the door. Puts her bag on the table. 'Mum-'

'You've been unfaithful?'

His head swivels away and back to the washing up then. His hands leave the soapy water, fingers constricting around the sink ledge. He's been getting through each day with a determination. A determination to fix this. His mother being in the dark about the true nature of his current separation has been paramount because he's had her support. Has had her telling him all will be fine, that Peyton just needs time.

'...I don't understand...'

She's clearly had a conversation with his wife. He knows because she believes what she's saying and he knows she'd not dispute anything her daughter-in-law says. Plus he's still said nothing to defend himself which says a whole lot.

'...don't you love Peyton anymore?-'

'Of course I love her Mum!' He turns around then, can't keep quiet any longer. He angrily grabs the kitchen towel and dries his hands. He doesn't appreciate his love for his wife being questioned. He knows he doesn't have the right to be irritated by her question but god is he.

'Then why?' He averts his stare because her eyes are glassy and her face is disappointment. 'Why?' She growls. 'That girl has done nothing but love you Lucas Eugene Scott. She's given you two beautiful children. She's the best mother. She's been through so much and you betray her-'

'It was one night-'

'Oh that's ok then-'

'I know it's not ok' He gruffly cuts off. 'I don't need you berating me. It was an accident-'

'An accident is unintentional! Unless you suffered amnesia and forgot Peyton existed it wasn't an accident! It was a choice-'

'Mum' Lucas grimaces.

'I've never, never been so disappointed in you-'

'Don't say that, you know that's worse than being mad-'

'I'm past mad Lucas! Did you think about my grand children? Your sweet, sweet girls! They don't deserve this!-'

'Don't bring Sawyer and Roe into this-'

'If you think they're not affected by this then you're sorely mistaken!'

'I'm fixing it ok?'

'Fixing it' Karen echos.

'Yes. I'm not talking to you about this Mum. It's between me and Peyton-'

'I know the IVF put a lot of strain on your relationship-'

'No you don't know! You don't know anything. You don't know what it's like, not being able to give her what she so desperately wants! You don't know what it's like giving her shots! Going to Doctors appointments with her! Then the excitement of finding out it's worked only to have it ripped away five seconds later!'

'No I don't know but I do know what it's like to have a miscarriage' She barks back. Her announcement silences him. His brow is furrowed. 'When you were about five so don't tell me I don't understand that heartache. I do and it breaks my heart that you two have gone through that 4 times. I just don't understand why you didn't come to me after the first round of IVF. I would have given you the money, instead you got yourself into such a mess and then you-'

'I've heard it all before ok? I don't need you to repeat what you've said a million times-'

'I'm just trying to understand Lucas! After the ectopic pregnancy you didn't even want her to do that again!-'

'I'm not doing this!' He huffed. 'She shouldn't have told you-'

'Oh don't you dare be annoyed with her for something you've done!'

'We agreed I was going to tell you-'

'Well you haven't! How long were you planning on keeping me in the dark Luke? Hmm? You've made it abundantly clear to all of the people in your life that you want to work things out and go home, everyone is talking about her as though she's letting you down by not standing by you!'

'She is being unreasonable! She won't even give me a chance'

'Well quite frankly I'm not sure you deserve one...You saw first hand how Dan treated me. I thought I bought you up to be respectful and honest and-'

'I'm nothing like Dan!'

'I didn't say you were' Karen exclaims. 'But you sure as hell aren't recognisable to me right now...do you know what the date is today?'

He ponders her question. Eyes glance to the calendar hanging on the fridge door. His family is the photo of the month. They're at the beach. Roewyn is on his shoulders, Sawyer clutching her mother's hand. His arm around Peyton. His family. Smiling. His eyes don't linger, scan the dates. 'Shit'

'You want to do something right, acknowledge today. The pain of loosing your mother never goes away-'

'I know!'

•••

'Hey'

'You can't just keep waltzing in here unannounced' He has a response on the tip of his tongue because there's no way in hell he's about to start knocking on the front door to his own house. He stops himself from saying as such because he doesn't want to goad her anymore than necessary; wouldn't put it past her to demand he hand over his key, is sort of surprised she hasn't done so yet. Her eyes skitter to the bouquet in his hands. She rolls her eyes. 'Seen your Mum then I take it'

He sighs. 'I didn't forget-'

'No?'

'I'm sorry ok? I've had a lot on my mind and I've not exactly been keeping an eye on the date-'

'It doesn't matter-'

'It does' He disputes. 'I know how hard you find today-'

'We're not together. You don't owe me anything-'

'Peyton' He sighs because she's flapping. 'Can you not do this ridiculous dance today'

'Ridiculous dance' She repeats.

'Yes! Tidying, only it's not fucking tidying it's you moving one object from one place to another. Can you just, just drop it. For today'

She scowls. His words have been successful in bringing her to a halt and he confiscates the mug in her hand and sets it on the table. She crosses her arms. 'You had more than enough time to tell her so don't come in here and-'

'I'm not here to have a go at you about Mum' He exhales. 'I'm here to give you these and I'll take the girls out from under your feet so you can just relax for a while ok?' He extends the Lilies out to her. She doesn't move. 'Are you gonna take these?'

'No'

'Fine I'll put them in a vase for you' He sets them down on the table and begins to unwrap the arrangement 'And you're welcome by the way. I know they're your favourite'

'You do? Well done you. We were in a relationship for over thirteen years and you know my favourite flowers' She sarcastically murmurs.

He ignores her. Moves across the kitchen and pulls open the cutlery draw to find it filled with tea towels and dishrags. 'Where is everything?'

'Draw to the left of the sink' She expels.

He finds the relocated items and retrieves some scissors, returning to snip off the ends of the stems.

She watches for a moment in a trance. She's both irritated and pleased by his visit. It doesn't matter how much she hates him, she'd have hated him all the more had he not rocked up. She thinks he looks tired. Toys with asking him if he's sleeping but she won't. '...Your Mum said you've been to some meeting?'

He glances up at her. '...did she now?'

'Yes'

'Well yes' He's riffling through a cupboard now. 'Jesus why's everything moved homes?'

'I _rearranged_ '

'I can see'

'I fancied a change. Bottom cupboard next to the fridge' She knows what he's in search of. He finds a vase under her instructions and fills it with water. 'Was it...helpful?'

'In shutting Mum up?...Yes' He's got that mischievous glint in his eye that would usually have her laughing at him. She doesn't. It's not funny. '...it was weird. Most of them have repeatedly made the same mistake-'

'You have-'

'Not to this extreme, I'm talking years and years...' He trails off because he's wiser than to try and make out that the things he's done aren't an issue. 'It was helpful' He decides.

She doesn't buy it. 'Trying to shut me up now?'

He's arranging the flowers in their vase and looks at her. 'I'm wiser than to think that's possible sweetheart'

'Will you keep going?'

'Yes. I'd do anything for you'

'You shouldn't do it because you think it'll win you points Lucas. You should want to do it for yourself and the girls'

'I do' He swallows. He's becoming uncomfortable '...Where are the kids?' He ends her line of questioning. He's come to the conclusion that they're in fact not here because they've not made an appearance which isn't the norm.

'With Brooke. I wanted a couple of hours'

'I would've had them. I would've liked to have had them'

'Don't look at me like that. I obviously would've asked you. She popped round this morning and just offered to take them to the cinema. They were excited'

He sighs. '...I miss them'

'I'm not keeping them from you'

'I didn't say you were. I just miss the little stuff you know? Like checking for monsters before bed and telling Sawyer a billion times to do her bloody homework before she actually does it'

'When we sort out the whole housing situation and you have your own place we can arrange for them to be split between us equally. I just don't think it's fair making them stay at your Mum's so frequently. They need stability during the school week and they don't have their own space there and-'

'I know' He cuts her off. 'I agree...where do you want these?' She shakes her head slowly and he knows she's not going to play ball. 'How about in your studio' He decisively answers his own question.

'Lucas' He's already marching off. 'Stop' she frowns as she follows him but he pays no mind to her objection.

'This way you can look at them whilst you work and be reminded of me huh' He grins to himself at his little plan.

'I thought they were meant for my Mum' She rolls her eyes.

'They are, they are. You can think of her and how she's probably up there wanting to wring my neck for you' He suggests.

'Oh that's so very true'

'Uhuh' They're in her studio now and he carefully plants the vase on her desk, his eyes greedily trailing over her work.

'I know what you're doing' She shoos him and side steps between him and her disorganised sketches.

'Oh?'

'I wasn't born yesterday. You can quit snooping'

'How am I snooping when you're present?' He's peering round her. 'These are beautiful baby-'

'Don't call me that'

'Is this for this new book?'

'I'm not discussing my work with you. It's time for you to go now' She realises that in her mission to get him away from her drawings she's put herself a breath away from him.

'Oh come on. I'm just admiring your work. I can't do that now either?'

'It'd be a first-'

'Hey' He squints at her. 'Don't do that. You know how fucking proud I am of you' Her eyes skitter down but his hand is suddenly grasping her chin in a bold move that he knows risks him being screeched at. 'You're amazing'

She hesitates. He's giving her that intense look that would usually have her lurching herself at him. She swallows. He doesn't miss it, can read her like a book. He takes a little step forward. Leans in. But then she's ducking out of the way.

She clears her throat.

He closes his eyes in frustration. Wonders what she'd do if he yanked her back before him and stole the kiss he'd just been anticipating. God does he miss being able to just kiss her. His fingers dig into his palms as he restrains himself.

'Did your Mum go mad at you?' She doesn't berate him. Can't because she knows he'll only accuse her of wanting him to kiss her.

'Need you really ask that?' He opens his eyes. She's given up guarding her work in an effort to get as much space between them as she can and he nearly laughs at how ridiculous she is. Is actually more than smug because he knows he's just got her flustered and even if it's minute it's something. Something that sparks hope in his belly.

'I don't want you two falling out'

'No?'

'Of course not' She frowns.

'Know what would make her happy? You and me. Working together'

Her eyes narrow. '...I think it's time for you to go now'

His lips curl up in amusement because if anything she's oh so predictable. 'Ok' He nods once. 'I'll look at these next time then' He taps her desk, wants to loiter and pour over her drawings. He's not use to being in the dark when it comes to her artwork and is eager to see what her talented fingers have created. 'Try not to kill your flowers ok?' She scowls. 'What? You never check if they need more water' He answers her unamused expression.

'I can look after some flowers Lucas'

'So you're acknowledging that I bought you flowers are you?'

'If it'll get you to leave already. Yes. Thank you oh so much for my flowers'

'You're welcome sweetheart' She shuffles round him as he passes her in the doorway, nearly trips over her feet in her endeavour to make sure he doesn't trap her because she's not sure she'll favour so well if she's cornered again. 'I'm gonna go tell Hales and Nate the truth so you don't have to ok?'

'How oh so considerate of you'

'I know' He's walking toward the front door. She doesn't follow but watches after him. 'Look at me stepping up and taking responsibility for being a dickhead' He looks back at her over his shoulder.

'Do you want a medal?'

'I'd accept a kiss' He kinks his brow.

'Go'

'Going' He salutes and then he's gone.

A perfected scowl stays on her face as she walks back into her studio to have a closer inspection of her flowers. Glares at them hard because otherwise she's going to smile and she won't smile because she hates him. Hates him and his stupid flowers.


	5. Chapter 5

FIVE

'I'm meant to tell you they're tired and have gone straight on up to get ready for bed' Brooke recites as she walks into Peyton's work space.

'Oh?' Peyton smiles. 'Aren't they little angels'

'Uhuh'

The knowing mother quits playing along then. 'In the lounge putting a film on?'

'Yup but you didn't hear it from me...Nice flowers' Peyton cocks her head to the side and frowns at her best friend because she knows she knows where they've appeared from. 'What?'

'Just say whatever it is you actually want to say'

Brooke smirks. 'Ok. Best friend why have you got flowers your estranged husband has clearly bought you sat on your desk?'

The blonde wishes she'd not probed her interfering friend then. She sighs. 'I didn't put them there. He did'

'Uhuh. I'm sure he did' Brooke nods and smiles. 'Did he come over to have a go at you about Karen?'

'No. Surprisingly calm about that, he even said he was going to go and tell Hales and Nate now'

'Wow, look at him growing an actual pair'

Peyton smiles. '...it's so wrong how much I love how much you hate him right now'

'Hate doesn't even cover it P' She's beside her seated friend then and drapes her arm around her shoulders. 'You're my girl. I've got your back' Peyton's hands link around Brooke's waist and she rests her head on her stomach.

'...I think I nearly let him kiss me today' She confesses after a beat. Brooke stiffens and then runs her hand over Peyton's messy hair. '...aren't you going to say anything?'

'What do you want me to say?'

'I dunno. I'm kinda waiting for you to yell at me'

'It's you two. I'm not exactly surprised'

'You think I'm stupid'

'No. I don't know what the right thing is here anymore than you do...no one would think any less of you P' Peyton's stare drifts up to her friend then. 'If you wanted to give him another chance'

Peyton's brow furrows then. '...I've told you I don't want that. The second I think about letting him back in my blood boils. I don't want to be that girl that forgives that. I can't forgive that. It, it'll always be there. Me doubting him. Me not feeling like I'm enough. The foundations of any relationship is trust and honesty. I don't know how you even begin to rebuild that'

Brooke chews on the inside of her cheek. '...no, me either but it, it can be done. People do it. Some people do it and are stronger than ever before'

Peyton swallows, ponders Brooke's words for all of a second before she's abruptly changing the subject. 'Thank you for taking them out. Were they ok for you?'

'Good as gold'

'I don't buy that for a second'

'One fight' Brooke relents. 'Sawyer wants to cut her hair shorter and then Roe said she did too but she's not allowed to be a copy cat' She answers Peyton's questioning stare.

'How did you stop world war three?'

'Popcorn' She shrugs. 'I did start by trying to explain that Roe can do what she wants to her hair and Sawyer should feel privileged that her little sister looks up to her so much but that didn't go down well so I resorted to popcorn bribery'

'Bribery is always a winner' Peyton laughs.

'It really is...so' She perches on a nearby stool. 'About the whole foundations of any relationship is trust and honesty thing' She licks her lips nervously. Nervousness isn't a trait Peyton is use to her best friend showing very often.

'B?'

'...There's something I've been meaning to tell you'

'Okay?'

Brooke wrings her hands together. 'You've had a lot on and well, it's not even my news to share but I feel like if I don't then...fuck' She's babbling.

'Brooke you can tell me anything'

The brunette nods. 'I know, I just...'

'Honey you're kinda scaring me'

'Don't be scared. I'm being stupid... Hales and Nate are pregnant again' She blurts.

Her confession hangs in the air for a moment before a slow smile curls Peyton's lips. 'Yeah? That's lovely news'

'...yeah?'

'Please don't tell me you lot have all been trying to keep this from me'

'Not keep it from you so to speak' Brooke's head spins back and forth. 'Maybe just not mention, maybe haven't known how to...' She shrugs.

'You're all bloody nuts! Why would you ever be worried about telling me that?! I'm going to be an aunt again- how can't I be happy?'

'...I just... I guess we were thinking how we'd feel if we were you and we just thought it would bring all these feelings to the surface that we know you, you're still dealing with- she doesn't want to be the cause of that...' Peyton nods. Her eyes have glazed over. She blinks. 'We've heard you say how shit it is seeing everyone around you get pregnant'

'Hales and Nate are different. How couldn't I be happy for them? This isn't about me. Ok?' Brooke nods. '...How far along is she?'

'Erm nearly eleven weeks'

'What a sneaky bitch, that's why she was a no show at Mia's birthday? I thought that was weird'

'Uhuh. She knew if she came and didn't drink you'd know instantly'

Peyton rolls her eyes. 'Honestly'

'I know, I told her it was getting ridiculous'

'Does Luke know?'

'No. I don't think so'

'Fuck I bet this whole situation with us two has been stressing her out' Peyton's face contorts at the thought of their behaviour being damaging to her sister-in-law's health.

'Nonsense...I really am sorry P-'

Peyton shakes her head dismissively 'I'm gonna spoil this baby rotten'

'Oh I know you are' Brooke hums.

'How didn't I realise? I only saw her the other day, she's not showing at all'

'Well we're not all scrawny like you, most of us have more to hide things behind'

Peyton rolls her eyes. 'Haley is so petite. You know when you call me scrawny it's not exactly a complement right?'

'Yup. I figure if I say it enough you might try and put on a bit of weight, I swear you're the smallest you've ever been'

'Again, you really do say the nicest things to me'

'I'm worried!'

'Quit with the worrying' She's on her feet. Kisses her best friends cheek. 'Go home. I need to go argue with them two about bedtime. Trust me you want to escape before you get dragged into doing the monster check. Now Luke isn't here it seems to take twice the amount of time'

Brooke looks at her sympathetically. 'I can help'

'Nope. You've done too much already today. Go' She insists with a smile.

'...Fine. Call me if you want to talk won't you?'

'I always do'

•••

His cheek is stinging.

'Fuck Hales'

'I'm sorry!' She's as surprised as he is that she just raised her hand to him.

'Don't apologise' Nathan scorns his red faced wife. 'He more than deserved it. What the fuck is wrong with you?'

'I'm an asshole' Lucas puts his hands in the air in surrender.

'Well we can agree on that' Nathan murmurs. He's usually a calm person. He'd had a short fuse as a teen but he's mellowed out. It takes a lot to make him angry. This is a lot though. 'It's Peyton Lucas! Peyton' He can't wrap his head around his brother's insane revelation. Can't even fathom how this can be true because of all the people in the world he'd have never have thought Lucas Scott could be capable of _this_.

'You're Lucas and Peyton' Haley agrees bewilderedly. 'She's your wife'

'I'm well aware of who and what she is thanks' He hums. 'Look, you're entitled to be pissed with me but I didn't come here to tell you for the lecture. I came here for Peyton'

'For Peyton' Haley nods. 'Well it's nice to see you putting her before your damn self. Did you tell her not to tell us?!'

'I just wanted some bloody time'

'You're a real ass. You know that?'

'Yes' He does know. He sighs. Sinks onto a chair. His nephew and niece have clearly clocked on that something interesting is happening in the kitchen and have appeared to inspect the situation.

'Sorry guys' Nathan apologises.

'Everyone yellin' The shorter child that's inherited her fathers hair and eyes is more concerned than her older brother. If anything he looks entertained by the words he knows he's not meant to have heard.

'It's alright Lydie' Haley murmurs to the just three year old.

'Your Uncle Lucas is just being silly is all' Nathan smiles insincerely at his brother. 'Right?'

'Sorry guys' Lucas nods.

'You two can go and watch TV for half an hour' Haley's treat has them scarpering as desired. 'And then we're having lunch!' She adds because she doesn't want them getting ideas that they're going to spend all of their day in front of the TV. She's already walking to the fridge to see what concoction she can throw together.

'I'll do it. Sit down' Nathan nods to the table.

'It's-'

'Please' Nathan's insistence has Lucas's eyes trailing over to them because his behaviour isn't exactly normal. He's not exactly known for his culinary skills.

The couple meet his squinting stare.

Haley sighs and walks over to the table and joins him. He notes her pale complexion. Notes that she looks tireder than normal and he's pretty sure he can't be completely to blame. 'Are you not feeling good?'

'Not particularly no' She admits. '...Morning sickness is a bitch'

His brow rises. 'You're pregnant' It's not a question.

'Yes'

His smile is tight and it makes Haley's face crumple. 'We've been meaning to tell you'

'Oh? How far along are you?

'Nearly 3 months'

Neither of them miss the irritation that dances in his eyes. 'You've just had a lot of your own stuff going on' Nathan attempts to explain.

'Right' He knows that's not why. He's on his feet most abruptly. 'It's great news. Congratulations' He nods a little too enthusiastically.

'Thank you' Haley's voice is suddenly quiet. 'Where're you going? Stay for lunch'

'I can't-'

'You just got here Lucas. I want to talk about you and Peyton properly-'

'What's there to talk about? We've clarified I'm a dickhead. I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Take it easy huh?'

'Lucas' Nathan's appeal falls on deaf ears. His brother is already half way down the hall.

'I shouldn't have told him' Haley mutters. Nathan migrates over to his wife, his hands settling on her shoulders.

'It was about time he knew. Take no notice babe. He's clearly going through more shit than we know about hey?'

'...how could he do that to her?'

'I don't know'

'I feel dreadful'

'I know, just promise me you're not feeling guilty about this one because we can't feel that way' His hand settles on her stomach.

'I know...it just sucks' She rests her head back on him and looks up. He drops a kiss to her forehead. '...will you go see her? I don't think I can right now but I, I think we should check she's ok right?'

'Course. You want anything from the store? Cookie dough?'

She smiles. 'Uhuh. And pickles'

•••

She's pouring over the family calendar. Her mind slightly frazzled and overwhelmed because she's use to having another team member at hand to work out their kids schedules and whilst she knows said team player is still on hand there's a determination not to ask him for help.

'Hey you'

'Nate, hey' Peyton smiles at her brother in-law's appearance and gladly abandons the calendar to greet him. 'I hear congratulations are in order' She hugs him tight. 'You're gonna be a Daddy again Nathan Scott'

He's a little taken aback but smiles as he withdraws from their embrace 'Brooke told you huh?'

'I was a little offended that the news wasn't coming from you guys'

'I'm sorry. Hales hormones are all over the shot. She's worked herself up into a right state about telling you'

'Completely unnecessarily. How could I be anything but happy for you two?'

'Thanks' He refrains from telling her that he's sure her husband didn't exactly share the same sentiment. 'I just think she's, you know' He shrugs. She does know because despite what she'd declared to her best friend the previous evening she'd spent the night curled up in bed crying. Not because she wasn't happy for Nathan and Haley but just because she'd been thinking about the last time they'd been here. She'd been pregnant too. Only she'd not got a Lydia. Unlike Haley, she'd only made it to 20 weeks and it wasn't fair.

'I know. I really am happy for you guys though, you don't need to walk on eggshells around me'

'Noted...talking of not telling people shit why didn't you tell me blondie?' She smiles bashfully then. She guesses she walked straight into that one. This is why he's here after all. Her shoulders shrug. 'You should've been shouting it from the bloody rooftops. I don't know how many conversations you've had to sit through with Hales encouraging you to take his ass back. You know she'd have understood if-'

'I know' She does know. 'I had Brooke though. I...he needs people too'

His brow raises. 'He betrays you in the worst possible way and you're still looking out for him?' He's astounded and yet somehow not surprised by her way of thinking.

'You don't just stop loving someone because they break your heart'

'...Come'ere' He brings her back into his arms. 'I'm so sorry, I'm still in shock'

'...me too'

'You'll be pleased to hear Hales bitch slapped him' He smirks.

A waned smile touches her lips as she withdraws from his embrace to look up at him. 'She did not'

'Yes. Yes she did. My wife is a badass when she wants to be. Where's my nieces?' Peyton points out the window and he spots them on the trampoline.

'You want a coffee?'

'Mm. That sounds good' She edges over to the kettle and goes about the task of making them a drink. 'Have you had a change around in here?'

'Oh...yeah. Moving shit around seems to be my new hobby. Living life on the edge huh?'

He smiles. 'Busy hands, busy mind'

'Something like that' She agrees.

'How're the girls holding up?'

'Ok as they can be. Sawyer has a lot of anger. Roe is sad'

'Me and Hales will occupy them whenever you want. You know that right?'

'I know, but I think you've got enough on your plate right now'

He bats his hand. 'There's never too much going on for us not to be here for you Peyton'

'I know'

'Do they know the ins and outs of what's going on?'

'No. We've not crossed that bridge yet. I mean I've talked to them about the divorce word...' The kettle has boiled. She pours water into their waiting mugs. 'Had he moaned to you?' She asks abruptly.

'Moaned?' He echoes.

'About me?' Nathan frowns.

'Peyton this isn't about you' He moves over to where she's loitering at the kitchen counter, stops her from stirring the coffee as his hands encase her upper arms.

'Isn't it?'

'Fuck no' He's angry all over again. 'No he hadn't moaned to me' His fingers do quote marks in the air. He feels a little bit out of his depth and suddenly wishes his wife was present. 'I'm not gonna even begin to make excuses for him but he's clearly been struggling in more ways than one'

'...we'd been arguing a lot and it just..I dunno'

'Arguing because of his fucked up problems. Not because of you. None of this is on you. Ok?'

She nods, paints on a smile. 'Sorry. You don't need to hear this-'

'You can talk to me. I'll gladly kick his ass'

'Why thanks but I'd rather the father of my children wasn't beaten up'

He smiles. '...probably wise. He's in better shape than me these days...has he agreed?'

'Agreed?' She murmurs.

'To the divorce?'

'...no' She hums. 'Of course not. He'll get bored of fighting with me over it soon though'

'...I dunno'

'Well you can kick his ass if we're still arguing about it in a couple of months' She suggests. 'I don't want to go to court. I just, I want it to be amicable, for the girls'

'He cheated on you Peyton. A court case would go in your favour'

'I don't want full custody of the kids so why would I do that? It's not in their best interest to be with me full time. They need him. Anyway it's not like we have any money is it?'

'Luke asked to borrow money the other day'

'I hope you told him no'

'He wasn't asking for himself. He wanted me to put it into your personal account'

'I don't need that. I don't want you to do that'

'Are you struggling? We're family Peyton. I can help out with payments on the house and-'

'We've decided to sell. I really appreciate the offer Nate but honestly I'm fine. I have Brooke bloody trying to lend me money every five seconds too'

'We just want to help in anyway we can'

'I just need for you guys to help him because I can't be that. I know that's a big ask'

'He's my brother blondie. It's no ask at all'

'Dad cheated on you?'

Both adults cease their conversation at the small voice that suddenly sounds from across the room. Nathan would've laughed had the situation been different because he's never seen Peyton jump so far. Her eyes dart to the window that gives a view of the back garden. Despite knowing her eleven year old is stood in the doorway she still wills her to somehow be teleported back to the trampoline where she had been ten minutes ago. Roewyn is still bouncing away, now alone.

'Mum?'

Peyton swallows. 'Honey' She grimaces. 'I thought you were outside' are the only words she can summon.

'I was but I saw Uncle Nate and...That's why you made Dad leave?'

Peyton's nostrils flare.

Nathan eyes his sister-in-law warily. He knows she's on the brink of crying and wants to save her from this situation but he doesn't know what he can say to fix it. His niece's eyes are wide.

'...yes. That's why I made him leave'

Sawyer blinks. Frowns and then she's racing out of the room. 'Sawyer!' Peyton hollers. 'Fuck'

'Sorry' Nathan breathes out because he's pretty sure it's his words that have bought to light the true nature of their divorce and knowing he's just caused distress to his young niece and sister-in-law makes a knot form in his stomach.

Peyton shakes her head. 'Not your fault. I thought she was outside' Her hands are in her hair.

'What can I do?'

'Erm...can, maybe can you watch Roe while I talk to her?'

'Of course, absolutely' He rubs her back. 'It'll be ok Peyton'

•••

'Can I come in baby?'

Sawyer doesn't say anything but Peyton watches the back of her head nod against her starry pillow.

She moves further into her daughter's room and squeezes onto the single bed, her arms moving round her child to spoon her smaller form. She doesn't say anything. The eleven year old is the one to eventually break the silence.

'I'm sorry' Her voice is croaky and Peyton's hands tighten around her.

'Why're you saying sorry?'

'I've been so mean to you Mummy' Sawyer whispers.

Peyton smiles sadly because her daughter addressing her as Mummy isn't as common occurrence, especially in recent weeks. 'You've been upset'

'I d-didn't know'

'I know honey. I'm really sorry, I never meant for you to find out like that'

'...Why would he do that?'

Peyton takes a shuddering breath. 'I don't know...'

'I th-thought everything was g-gonna go b-back to n-normal'

'I know you want us back together but right now I...one day I hope you'll understand...sometimes sorry isn't enough. If I could make this all go away for you I would but me and your Dad staying together for you and Roe, that won't be good for you and Roe, it wouldn't. A marriage can't work unless two people want it'

Sawyer nods slowly. 'I just want you to be happy' She shifts onto her back and Peyton gets a full view of her splotchy face. She lovingly strokes her hand over her cheek.

'You and Roewyn are all I need for that'

'You're sad all the time'

'I...I've lost something I never thought I'd be loosing, that, it, it takes time to heal but I'll be ok because I've got my two girls'

'I hate him. I hate him' Sawyer blurts then.

'No you don't. He's your Dad. Mine and Daddy's relationship is ours honey, not yours. He's always been the best Daddy. This doesn't change that-'

'Yes it does!'

'No' Peyton takes her daughters hands. 'It doesn't-'

'Mummy I love you!'

'And I love you. You loving your Dad doesn't mean you love me any less. You've always been such a Daddy's girl'

'But I, I don't understand h-how he c-could do th-that. He's m-meant to l-love y-you'

Peyton swallows the lump in the back of her throat. Doesn't say anything for a moment because she doesn't want to cry in front of her already inconsolable child. '...he'll always love me Sawyer, he'll always love me for giving him you and your sister. Like I'll always love him for giving me the two of you too'

'...why don't, why is, why is everyone talking about money like, like we don't have any?'

'We do, we're fine' She doesn't want her daughter taking on her own worries.

'You just told Uncle N-Nate th-that we h-have to m-move'

Peyton licks her lips. 'Can you try knocking on doors instead of eavesdropping in future?' There's a teasing smile on her lips but it doesn't insight a smile from the eleven year old as she'd hoped. 'Again, I wanted to tell you that differently'

'We a-are moving?' The knot in Peyton's stomach tightens at the sight of Sawyer's wobbling lip. 'I don't w-want to'

'I know it's gonna be a big change' Peyton murmurs. '...it won't happen for a little while baby. These things usually take a good while to sort out'

'But w-why do we h-have to?'

'I can't cover all our bills by myself'

'But Dad has to help'

'Dad can't help right now'

'Why?'

'He just...' She pauses. 'When you split up it's tricky because you have to split everything in half. Daddy can't live with Nana forever. He needs a place of his own. If we sell the house we can both have a place... God I wish I could protect you from all this' She exhales heavily.

'We h-have to m-move cause of him!'

'No' Peyton sighs because she feels like she's not being very successful in trying to ensure the distressed child doesn't think too badly of her father. 'No I think a fresh start will be good for all of us. I know it's going to take a lot of getting use to'

'This is our home'

'I know. But we can make a new one' She runs her hand repeatedly over Sawyer's forehead. 'Please try not to worry baby. I know there are so many changes going on right now but I, I'm trying so, so hard to do what's best for you and Roe'

Sawyer sniffles. '...Dad keeps saying y-you just need t-time and th-then he, he'll come home'

'He shouldn't have said that to you' Peyton sighs. '...Me and Daddy don't agree on a whole lot of things right now honey. I, I promise I'm going to try my hardest to be friends with him though. We'll get there. I promise we will and eventually we'll be able to do things as a family again even though me and Daddy aren't together'

'I don't want to do anything with him. I don't want to see him ever, ever again'

Peyton presses her lips together for a moment, studies the child. She's not relishing on having her on her side as she thought she would. She doesn't want there to be sides. She wants to magic away her daughter's distress. 'You're angry. You're allowed to be angry baby. Daddy loves you though Sawyer. So, so much. And I know you love him so, so much. You just need a bit of time. That's all' Sawyer starts crying then. 'Oh honey' Peyton wraps her up in her arms and coos in her ear. 'It's ok. It's gonna be ok. I promise' Her voice wavers because she's making dreaded promises that she doesn't believe because she doesn't know how to make it better. She doesn't know how to make it go away. All she knows is her sole focus is this girl in her arms. The little girl playing outside. Her children. They're all that matter.


	6. Chapter 6

SIX

He's a little surprised to find them curled up in front of the TV upon his arrival. They'd been trying to limit their screen usage. He's not about to mention that though, is wiser than to question her about anything that could be seen as him picking holes in her parenting.

'Daddy!' Roewyn chants.

'Hey Roe Boat' He lifts her up into the air as she races into his arms.

'We're watching Brave!'

'I can see'

'Mummy said so' She adds because she's half expecting to be told she's got to turn it off.

'You're lucky aren't you?'

'Uhuh. Are you gonna watch too?'

'Maybe, I bought some waffles over' The seven year old fist bumps the air in celebration. 'Want one?'

'Yes'

He sets her back on the ground. 'Kay, I'll go get some plates. Hey Sawyer' His older daughter hasn't greeted him yet and her eyes remain fixated on the TV. She's curled up at Peyton's side which in itself is unusual. 'What's up? You feeling ok?' His stare finds Peyton who gently rubs the eleven year old's arm.

'Honey your Dad asked you a question'

Sawyer abruptly stands up then and marches out of the room without a word. 'She doesn't like you anymore' Roewyn declares matter of factly. She's standing in front of the tv her arms poised as she fires pretend arrows from an invisible bow in time with the red haired figure that's lighting up the box before them. 'I do though' She clambers up onto the arm of the sofa to continue reenacting the scene before her.

Peyton feels his eyes back on her and stands. 'No climbing on the sofa thank you' Peyton grabs Roewyn as she passes and spins her round as she sets her feet back on the floor, inciting a gleeful giggle from the hyper child. 'I mean it' Peyton wags her finger at her as she walks away. 'I'm gonna help Daddy with the waffles'

He follows her. 'What's going on?' He enquires as they reach the kitchen.

She walks to the cupboard to fetch some plates. 'Nathan stopped by yesterday' She sighs. 'She overheard us talking'

He squints at her. 'Overheard what exactly?'

'I thought she was outside' Peyton looks at him then. 'She _knows_ '

She watches his face pale and stops herself from closing the gap between them to comfort him. 'Knows what exactly?' He's frowning now.

'She heard Nathan say I'd be likely to win custody of them because you cheated. She heard me say we're gonna sell the house-'

'Wait you're not gonna try and get sole custody' It's all he just heard.

'Of course not'

'...nice to know my brother's got my fucking back' He mumbles.

'He has. He was just seeing where my mind was at...I really am sorry about Sawyer. I feel awful'

'Sure you do. You've been itching to tell her' He blurts.

'No, no I haven't! Lord knows I should've been. She's hated me so much and I didn't deserve any of that but I wasn't keen for her to know the truth any more than you were. You think I want her knowing any of this? I just wanted to do whatever will help her through this! She's been bloody confused and now she can actually start coming to terms with us not being together'

He turns away from her. His hand rubs the back of his neck. She watches for a minute before reaching for the paper bag of waffles.

'...I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to tell you I'm not signing those divorce papers' He mutters after a beat.

Her eyes wander back to him. '...and I don't know how many times I'm gonna have to tell you our marriage is over' She softly replies.

He grits his teeth together. Stares out at the garden. '...the lawn needs cutting'

'Yeah, it's on my to do list'

'I'll do it in a bit' She snorts at that because she's more than capable of the task, would argue that she's done said task more times than he ever has. In fact she can't even remember the last time she saw him in the garden let alone mowing the lawn. 'Did you hear about their news?' He stops her from making the catty remark that was on the tip of her tongue.

This conversation is disjointed and it's starting to make her head spin. He's always been good at making her head spin. 'Yes' she knows what and whom he's referring to without him clarifying. She definitely doesn't want to linger on this subject. 'It's lovely news huh?' He sniggers then. 'Don't be like that, please tell me you weren't an ass to them?'

'Of course I wasn't' She looks at him dubiously because he never was any good at disguising his emotions. 'Of course I'm happy for them. Did it feel like a fucking kick in the gut. Yes. Don't tell me you don't fucking feel the same' He grumbles.

Her nostrils flare because his words feel more like a kick in the gut. She blinks and resumes the task of dishing out the waffles. '...why don't you take one of these up to Sawyer and see if you can get her to talk to you?'

His stare averts from the garden back to her. 'We both know she's not gonna talk to me'

'Probably not but you're the parent. You have to be the one to try. She needs to know you're not gonna stop trying'

He knows she's right. She's always right and yet he's scared to journey upstairs and face his child. The shame is too much. He scrapes his hand through his hair. The last forty eight hours haven't been the easiest. He feels like his whole family hates him. His girls are what have been getting him through each day. His girls are his gateway to the woman before him. His girls are everything and if he looses them as well as his wife he's not sure how he'll survive.

She brings a plate over to where he's standing. 'Here' His eyes flicker between the plate and her and then he's accepting the peace offering but setting it down on the counter behind him. 'Luke-' she begins because his action suggests he's not going to even try and talk to their devastated daughter. His arms curling around her cease all her words.

'I'll go up and see her in a minute'

'Lucas-'

'Please I just need to hold you for a minute' He babbles. 'Just one fucking minute. Give me one minute' His hold is tight and she knows he's not letting her go even if she starts to protest. She closes her eyes. Sighs. Her hands flounder at her sides. She knows this is inappropriate. '...of course I'm happy for them' He murmurs into her neck. A lump forms in the back of her throat because she foolishly thought they were done with this topic. '...it just hurts' She pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Refrains from answering because she can't. '...are you ok?'

'Of course I am' She tries to pull away then because if she melts into this embrace like her body is aching to she's only going to feel the devastating loss all the more after.

'Why can't you ever just be fucking honest? I know you're not bloody ok' He wants to shake her hard. Wants her arms to go around him like they usually do. Wants her to dissolve into him. Wants her to confide in him.

'Then why ask?' She shoves against his chest but his hands press on her back, holding her tightly to him.

'I said one minute' He growls in her ear.

She stills. 'Now we're over you can go and knock up whoever you like can't you? You having another child is no longer an issue for you' She mumbles.

He comes out of hiding in her neck then. Hands gripping the tops of her arms tight. She's not seen him look so angry in a long time. 'I don't want anyone else's fucking children'

'And I've said sorry a billion times that I couldn't give you what you wanted-'

'It's not what I wanted! I'm content with Sawyer and Roe!-'

She snorts. 'And yet you're hurt-'

'I'm hurt because I still think about the miscarriages. The children that could've been, of course I do! I'm hurt because I know you're hurting! I'm hurt because I don't want you to have to watch another god damn person be pregnant. I'm hurt because I couldn't give you what _you_ want-'

'And I couldn't give you what you want' She tersely answers. 'Your minute is up. Can you please let me go and go see Sawyer. The last thing I want is for her to hear us arguing. I promised her we'd try and be friends-'

He snorts. 'I'm not your friend' He releases her, grabs the waffle from the side. 'I've never been your fucking friend. I know I'm at bloody fault Peyton but I'm not the only reason we've got here' He regrets it as soon as he says it. He's said it before and it's not gone down well. He thought he'd learned his lesson but in the heat of the moment past lessons are forgotten.

'Yes' She nods defeatedly, her voice eerily quiet. He wants her rage, anything over her sad eyes. 'I pushed you into another woman's bed because I wasn't putting out. I get the picture'

'That's not what-'

'Can you please just go and see your daughter?'

He knows it's not a question. It's a demand. Her eyes have gone that scary shade. They went that colour the day he confessed to her. He doesn't want to be reminded of that god awful day. So he goes. And it's only then that she lets the silent tears roll down her flushed cheeks.

•••

He's barely got a foot inside her door when she's barking at him. 'Get out'

She gets off her bed. He knows her intention. She's scarpered into her cupboard and locked it on him one too many a time in the past. Only previously said disputes have been in regards to bedtimes and her desire to dye her hair purple. He's been meaning to get rid of that stupid bolt for god knows how long. He beats her to the door and blocks her path. 'Sawyer-'

'I don't want you in my room-'

'I'll go in a minute. I promise I just want to talk to you'

'I don't want to talk to you. I hate you. If you're not gonna go, I will!' She changes her route and makes a beeline for the exit. Again he ends any attempts of escape, his hands ensnaring her small arms. 'Let me go! I'll scream!'

He swallows thickly. He doesn't doubt that she will. 'Sawyer I just want one minute! Ok? One minute and then I'll go' He lets her go and she makes do with the only hiding place that is accessible. Sinks to the ground and hastily shuffles under her desk. He sighs. It's a new move. 'Honey come on, I'm still your Dad' He begs.

'I w-wish you weren't' Her words are anger but they still hurt.

He wants to run then. Peyton's words replay in his head and he solemnly sits on her bed. Her legs are getting longer, the small space she's crammed herself into highlighting that. 'I'm afraid I can't change that. I'll always be your Dad whether you like it or not'

'Well I don't like it!' She crosses her arms. '...How could you do th-that?!' Her brave facade falters. 'You're meant to love Mum-'

'I do love your Mum' He breathes out.

'You're meant to _only_ love Mum'

'I do only love Mum. I know that's hard for you to understand right now. I did a really stupid thing. I screwed up and that's not ok' He exhales heavily. She's silent.

'You had an affair' She whispers.

He braves shifting onto the floor so he can get a better view of her face. Her eyes are fixed resolutely ahead, focusing on the grain of wood that shelters her. 'It was...' He sighs because talking about this with his little girl seems so wrong and he's not sure what's appropriate and what's not. Isn't sure what she will and won't grasp. Isn't sure what Peyton will and won't condone. Isn't sure what Peyton has and hasn't told her 'It was only one night honey' His voice is hoarse. 'Not that that makes it ok but I... I'm an idiot'

'You lied to me. You told me you were coming home!'

'We don't know what's happening yet-'

'Liar!' She looks straight at him then and her bloodshot eyes has the knot tightening in his stomach. 'We're selling the house! We have to move because of you'

'I don't know that that's gonna definitely happen-'

'Well Mum says it is! And Mum tells the truth! You're a liar'

'I'm not lying' He exclaims. 'Right now me and your Mum we...' His head is pulsing. 'We're not seeing eye to eye...You weren't meant to hear her and your Uncle Nate-'

'I'm not a baby. You treat me like a baby'

'You're not a baby' Lucas edges closer to the desk then. 'Honey I don't think you're a baby. I'm just trying to protect you...One thing that is certain is whatever happens with me and Mum we're going to always be a family. Always' He bravely touches her knee then. 'I'm doing everything I can to try and earn your Mum's forgiveness-'

'Mum doesn't want you here and I don't either' Her tone and face is all her mother then and it knocks him sideways because he's never seen her wearing that expression before.

He swallows. '...No. I'm getting that. Mummy does want you and me to stay friends though. She'll always want that'

'Well I don't. I don't want to see you anymore. You can't make me'

'...No, I can't make you' He agrees. 'But I'm your parent and I'm afraid that means I'm not going anywhere'

•••

'I told you not to do that!' She calls over the thrum of the mower. He reaches for the off button and looks at her expectantly. He knows what she said. He didn't need to hear to know. 'I told you not to do that' She repeats.

'I know. I want to-'

'I don't care-'

'You told me I'm the parent, you told me I have to be the one to try, that she needs to know I'm not gonna stop trying. You're right. I'm also not gonna quit trying with you' He swiftly turns the lawn mower back on before she can say anything else and resumes the task at hand.

She rolls her eyes.

'What's Daddy doing?' Roewyn amusedly joins her Mother and peers out the french doors at the afternoons entertainment. She knows what her Dad is doing it's just that it's a rarity. She's seen her Mother do the task at hand more times than she can count and she thinks he looks silly.

'Daddy is being stubborn' Peyton drapes her arm around the little girl.

'I don't think he's as good at it as you are Mummy'

'No. Me either' She bites on her lip to stop herself from smiling as he gets tangled in the lead. 'Why don't you go help him out by putting your bike away kiddo?' She proposes. Roewyn is out of the door in a flash and predictably her putting her bike away turns into her just riding around after her father.

'Why's he still here?' Sawyer grumbles as she makes herself known.

'He's mowing the lawn'

'You always do that'

'Mm' Peyton agrees. She's wary of saying anything that could be construed as putting the man in question down considering her daughter's current frame of mind.

'He thinks him doing some chores is gonna fix anything?'

A wane smile touches Peyton's lips at her observation. 'No. I just think he wants to be near you guys is all honey' She tries her hand at being the supportive co-parent that she wants to be. 'How was your talk?'

'I told him I don't want to see him anymore'

'Yeah?'

'You said it's ok to be angry'

'Yes. Of course it is but I really don't think not seeing your Dad is going to make you feel better'

'It makes you feel better. Isn't that why you made him move out?'

'...well' She turns away from the window and fully regards the eleven year old. 'Yes but that's different. I was angry baby. If I could go back to that day I'd have gone about it all so differently'

'You wouldn't have made him leave?'

'Yes, I just woulda chose not to have a melt down in front of you two'

'...you were crazy'

'Yeah' Peyton smiles sadly. 'I'm sorry'

'It all makes sense now' Sawyer's eyes skitter back out the window. She frowns because her sister is giggling as their father keeps steering the lawn mower in her direction. 'Aren't we gonna tell Roe?'

Peyton licks her lips, follows her gaze. '...no, I don't think so. Not for now anyway. She just needs to know that me and Daddy aren't going anywhere. I think you've needed to understand why this is all happening'

'But she, she's playing with _him._ '

'Yes. She's allowed to be playing with him. So are you'

'I don't want to'

'Right' Peyton nods. 'Not today, but when you do want to play with him again that's ok too. There's no teams here baby. You'll be smiling with him again. I promise'

'...how? When you're not'

'I'm smiling' Peyton begs to differ as Sawyer looks up at her sadly. 'God you're so my kid...you know the good thing about feeling sad?'

'What?'

'You can always feel better and when you do you'll be even happier than you were before because you know what it's like to feel blue'

'That's such a Mum thing to say'

Peyton laughs at that. 'Well I kinda am your Mum. There's always a rainbow after a storm honey. You just have to look for it'

•••

'Hey'

'Hey' Lucas nods.

Nathan sits beside him on the bleachers. 'I thought I'd find you here'

Lucas doesn't say anything. They sit in a silence for a long few minutes. '...was I an ass when Hales told me you guys are pregnant yesterday?' Lucas finally mutters.

Nathan smiles. 'Kinda'

Lucas grimaces. '...I'm sorry'

'You weren't really, we get it'

'I really am happy for you guys'

'We know. We're sorry that our good news inadvertently feels like a stab in the back' Lucas smiles because he'd thought his brother wouldn't get it but he so does. 'I know me and Hales haven't gone through what you two have but I know what it is to be a parent and a husband. I can't imagine the pain. We're not dickheads Luke'

'...I know you're not...thanks. I really am sorry' He softly mumbles. 'It really is good news'

'Thanks man...I'm sorry about Sawyer. I feel like that was my bloody fault'

'...Peyton's wanted to tell her for a while. I should've listened. Now Sawyer hates me too' He exhales heavily.

'She doesn't hate you Luke'

'No? Well she's screamed that at me a few hundred times today'

'I'm sorry'

'I had it coming...you know I stupidly thought Peyton was easing up yesterday before I came over to yours and now...' He shakes his head, squints into the distance.

'...can we talk about this?' Nathan suddenly blurts. Lucas tilts his head toward him. 'I just need to understand Luke. I don't get it. I know she's your world. It doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense'

'...you all have this perception of us being the perfect couple' He mumbles. He supposes he's had this interrogation coming.

'You are. If ever there were soul mates I'd label you two as it' Nathan scoffs.

'And what would you label yourselves?'

'High school sweethearts' The younger Scott cracks a smile. 'Obviously'

'Obviously'

'I love Hales. She's it for life Luke. You know that. But you and Peyton have this weird kind of chemistry. It's different to me and Hales. I think everyone's relationship is different. I kinda don't think love is black and white, you know?'

'What is this?' Lucas shakes his head because he's not use to discussing such topics with his brother and teasing him is a distraction from the true subject at hand.

'It's me trying to understand why you've thrown your marriage away for a one night stand. It really was just one night right, you're not like still seeing-'

'I've cut off contact. I have a new editor'

'...well that's one smart thing you've done. So it was one night?'

'...One stupid night' He confirms. 'I'm not sure Peyton's buying that. She's always claimed Linds had a thing for me'

'Well i guess she was right about that huh?'

'I guess. But it really was only ever professional'

'There was clearly something there if you jumped into bed with her'

'She could've been anyone. It wasn't about her...That night Peyton, the night I...before I went out she told me she wanted to go on a break' He confides suddenly.

Nathan's brow shoots up, both in surprise at his sister-in-law's suggestion but more so at the way his brother just said it as some form of explanation for his actions. 'So you went all Ross Gellar on her?!' Nathan murmurs. 'Your not just dating her Luke! She's your wife'

'It...you don't understand ok? We'd not...been together in a long time-'

'If you're looking for sympathy because she wasn't putting out you're not gonna get any- Jesus Luke can you blame her for being a bit distant with everything she's been-'

'I'm not blaming her!'

'No? Because what I just heard was you wanted to get laid-'

'That's so not it! Look you've not been where we have ok! Our sex life had become about one thing only- making a baby and then when we went the IVF route, do you know what it's like? Stabbing her with bloody shots and then being told your pregnant and then it being ripped away five seconds later. You don't know what that's like. And god when you had Lydia' He shakes his head. 'We were meant to be there with you. That bloody time was the worst because we'd got further than any of the previous times and god we're so grateful that everything was ok with Lydie but every time we celebrate her birthday it's there Nathan! There should be a little boy that's her height running around but he's not here! I still wake up seeing her laying in a puddle of blood...I was just trying to fix it! Do you think I used our savings for me?! I just wanted to give her what she wants and she wants another baby! I was trying to give her that and yes I was bloody stupid with our finances but it just, it spiralled. I was trying to give her that so I could get my wife back and then she tells me she wants a break!' He scrapes his hand through his hair. 'I got drunk. So drunk. And I was angry, angry at her and the world and Lindsey listened to me talk for four hours straight. She listened to me and she consoled me and it...felt good' He shakes his head. 'I didn't intend for it to happen. She wanted me though. Peyton hasn't wanted me in forever.'

'...She loves you Lucas' Nathan quietly exhales.

'...I miss her...not just now, even before all this I didn't have her. She's not been her in ages... I miss her just wanting me. I don't know when we last had sex and it was about us. About how much we just fucking want each other' Nathan's hand rests on his brother's back then in consolation. '...do you think she'll ever forgive this?'

'...I don't know man...you've hurt her. Even if, it's no excuse Lucas'

'I know it's not an excuse. I'm not trying to excuse any of it. I'm just explaining how it happened...I should have been trying to get her help. Instead I put all my efforts into trying to ensure we had another baby and clearly I lost my mind in doing so'

'...I wish you'd come to me about money...I don't get why you thought, it, it's just not logical'

'...I've been going to meetings...about the gambling'

'Oh? You're actually calling it gambling now?' He's grilled his brother enough in recent months and is surprised to hear that admission because he's always talked about it like it was a small error.

'...I guess I do have a problem'

'...Well that confession is a massive step in the right direction big brother...you've been acting like you can brush this all under the rug. I mean, you not telling me and Hales the truth, did you'd think we'd never find out?'

'I guess I thought she might just give me another chance and let me come home before I had to come clean...'

'Forgiveness can't happen unless you come clean to the world Luke'

'So you think she will? Forgive me?'

'...What I do think is if any two people can find a way back to each other it's gonna be the two of you'


	7. Chapter 7

SEVEN

Peyton glances up from her phone at her daughter's appearance, doing a double take because her youngest child is wearing a backpack and her prized possession; Kitty Cat the soft toy, or mangled cat as Lucas refers to it given it's worn appearance, is slung firmly over her arm. 'You off somewhere?'

She's done her hair herself. Peyton knows she's attempted to imitate how her sister likes to pull her hair up in a messy bun, only the smaller little girl doesn't quite have the length of hair that Sawyer does, resulting in it being part up, part down. Her curls bounce as she nods affirmatively in answer to her mother's enquiry. 'I'm running away'

'Oh?' Peyton's interest peaks then and she puts her phone on the table, trying to contain her amusement. 'You are? Why?'

'Because' The little girl stamps her foot for good measure. 'I'm sick of everyone arguing all the time'

Her daughter's explanation diminishes her amusement. Guilt and concern fills her eyes. 'No one's arguing honey'

'Not today' Roewyn rolls her eyes. 'But tomorrow everyone probably will be and I'm not gonna hang around to see'

'I'll miss you awfully if you run away'

'You still have Sawyer who is mean to me by the way'

'What's she said now?'

'That we might move far, far away and never see Daddy again-'

'Well that's not happening and I'm going to be having words with her'

'I don't care. Nothing you can say can change my mind. I'm going'

Peyton wonders what the best course of action is to deal with this. 'Ok, well where are you going to go?'

'Maybe England. Or India'

Peyton feigns interest and bites the inside of her cheek to stop from laughing at her daughter's serious expression. 'Wow, quite a way then huh? How are you going to get there? Have you got any money?'

'I emptied my money box. I've got all my birthday money still'

Peyton nods. 'Well that's good, how will you find the way though?'

'Kitty Cat knows' She jiggles the cat.

'Right. I forgot she's really good at directions huh?'

'Yup'

'Well, can I at least get you some snacks for the road?' Peyton rises to her feet and riffles through the snack cupboard, producing some cereal bars and chocolate. 'I don't want you getting hungry'

She walks over to the serious little girl and unzips the backpack on her back to load her snacks. She notes the loose change rattling around in the bottom of the bag as well as a wad of notes. A toothbrush. A plastic dinosaur. Binoculars. An old phone that Peyton had let her have seeing as it no longer works. A framed picture of the family.

'There we go' She refastens the bag. 'You're all set. Shall I walk you out?' She begins to walk to the front door and Roewyn watches her confusedly before slowly trailing her mother's footsteps. 'You'll have to send us all a postcard when you get there huh?' She's got the front door open and walks down the first few steps. Roewyn's feet drag because she's most definitely not getting the reaction she had in mind. 'I love you. Be good won't you?'

Roewyn's head bobs slowly, her eyes rounded as Peyton issues her with a kiss before ushering her down the path. 'Have fun!' The little girl slowly walks down the path, looking back over her shoulder at a waving Peyton and then she suddenly comes to an abrupt halt.

'You're not gonna stop me?!' She indignantly cries.

'Well you said there was nothing I could say to stop you' Peyton shrugs.

'But I'm little! You can't let me go all the way to England and India by myself!'

'I can't?'

'No!'

Peyton smiles then and walks to where the frowning child is standing. She crouches down and takes Roewyn's hands. 'I'm not letting you go to England and India Roe' She shakes her head.

'You're not?'

'Nope. Sweetheart there's no way I'm even letting you walk to the end of the road by yourself. Even if you do have Kitty Cat to protect you' She pats said cat.

'You tricked me'

'Not tricked. Just hoped you'd change your mind all by yourself. Have you?'

'...I think Kitty Cat would miss you too much'

'Yeah? What a relief cause I'd miss her too much too' She sits back on the pathway then and and tugs Roewyn onto her lap and smothers her with kisses. Roewyn wraps her legs around her and clings on tight.

'Trips are so stressful' The seven year old's dramatic delivery in her ear has Peyton laughing.

'Yeah. They can be huh? Even to the end of your front yard'

'Uhuh' Roewyn's smiling then as she pulls back to look up into her mother's face. 'You're never gonna let me leave Mummy?'

'Nope. Not until your eighteen and even then I might struggle'

'...I don't want to move houses though'

'Did Sawyer tell you that?' She nods. 'Well that's not for a good while yet ok? Nothing is sorted out. I know it'll feel sad but it's gonna be exciting too. I promise. We get to decorate a new bedroom, that'll be fun huh?'

'...I guess. It won't be far away from Daddy though right?'

'Nope. You'll never be far away from Daddy. I promise'

'...I don't like it when everyone is arguing'

'Me neither. But arguments don't last forever Roe-boat. And sometimes people have to have a little argument because they don't agree and it's only by talking about it that you can move past it. You get what I mean?'

'...I guess. Why does Sawyer hate Daddy so much?'

'She's just sad right now. She doesn't like everyone arguing either'

'She doesn't have to be mean to me. I said she could hug Kitty Cat to make her feel better and she threw her outside her door and said Kitty Cat is for babies. I'm not a baby'

'No. You're not. And Kitty Cat isn't for babies. She still can't sleep with out Saurus the Dino can she? And you wanna know a secret?' Roewyn nods slowly, entranced by her mother's enticing drawl. 'I've still got my Teddy from when I was little too'

'You do?'

'Uhuh'

'You sleep with it?'

'Sometimes'

'Does Daddy?'

'...No but he's stolen mine from time to time' She wriggles her eyebrows and Roewyn giggles.

'We should get Daddy his own for his Birthday'

'Yeah' The little girl's smile wanes as she fiddles with the button on Peyton's shirt. 'What you thinking Roe-Boat?'

'...it's not fair'

'What's not fair?' Peyton strokes her cheek.

'Sawyer says you love her more than me'

Peyton rolls her eyes because the eleven year old in question really is on a roll today. 'Sawyer is being a wind up Roe. Take no notice. You know that isn't true' As always she feels a pang in her heart over her daughter's glassy eyes. Any time her children cry it's the same, however ridiculous said tears are. 'I love you the same and that love is sooo big' She emphasises with her hands. 'That there isn't even a word for it'

'But..' Roewyn sniffles. 'She, she got your name'

'My name?'

'Uhuh. She says she's, she's named after you and I'm not'

Peyton smiles. 'Well that's sort of true' Roewyn pouts.

'But your name isn't Sawyer it's Pey-ton!' She emphasises loudly.

'Right. Peyton is my first name. Sawyer use to be my surname'

'You changed it?'

'Before I married Daddy I was called Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer'

'Why did you change it?'

'Well if you decide to get married it's just something you can do if you want to. I decided to take Daddy's surname'

'But I don't want to change my name!' The seven year old angrily declares.

'You don't have to' Peyton laughs at her outraged expression. 'You never have to change anything'

'But what if I want to get married?'

'You can still keep your name, you can add the other person's after or before if you want or they can have yours' Peyton shrugs. 'Whatever you want'

'Why did you want Daddy's?'

'Erm, I guess partly tradition. It's quite common to do that-'

'That's not right. Why do the girls have to loose their names?'

Peyton smiles and stokes her daughter's cheek. 'And that Roewyn is why I love you, you're gonna change the world you know that?'

'Uhuh. You should take your name back Mummy' She pauses and then backtracks. 'But don't do that cause then you'll be the same as Sawyer and I'll be left out. Daddy shouldn't have stolen it though' She wags her finger.

'He didn't steal it sweetie. I wanted his name. I just liked how it sounded, liked that it's his' She shrugs. 'And it was your Daddy's idea to call Sawyer, Sawyer. So we'd keep the name in someway in honour of your Grandad Larry and my Mum'

'But it's not fair cause I'm not like you'

Peyton shakes her head with a smile and taps her nose. 'Oh you're lots like me Roewyn. I'll show you some pictures of when I was little in a minute and see if you can tell us apart. Daddy can't sometimes' Peyton wriggles her eyebrows.

'He can't?'

'Nope cause we're oh so alike. Your name is extra special too Roe Boat'

'Why?'

'Because you're named after your Nana'

'Nana is called Roe?'

'Nana is called Karen Roe Scott. Roe is her maiden name like Sawyer is mine. She kept her surname see?' The seven year old smiles.

'But my name is Roewyn. Not Roe'

'I know. Me and Daddy knew we'd nickname you Roe from the get go though. We liked Roewyn a lot and thought it'd be cool to spell it with a "W" and a "Y" so you and your sister have matching letters in your names' Roewyn predictably smiles at that. It's not lost on Peyton that her youngest child puts her big sister on a pedestal, that she desperately wants to be able to do all the things that she can. 'Your middle name is special too'

'Harper?'

'Uhuh, that's after my birth Mum. Her name was Ellie Harp. So Roewyn Harper Scott, you're just as special and just as loved and extra lucky because you're named after two strong, strong women'

'I am strong' She agrees and flexes her arm.

'So strong' Peyton bites her lip from laughing. 'And all mine' She pinches the little girl's sides making her giggle loudly. 'So you don't need to be sad and you definitely don't need to worry about me not loving you. Kay?'

'Ok'

'Good' She nuzzles her nose against the child's. '...I know' Her eyes are wide. 'I've got an idea. How about we go eat some ice cream?'

'Yes!'

•••

He trips over Roewyn's abandoned back pack as he walks into the kitchen. 'How hard is it for her to just put stuff where it's not a hazard?' He grumbles, rolling his eyes at the entertained expression on Peyton's face.

'Aw, are you alright honey?'

It doesn't matter that her compassion is feigned, he still enjoys the term of endearment that he's not been addressed with in months. He smiles and squints at her. 'I'll survive' He's picked the bag up off the floor now. 'Jesus what's in here?'

'Supplies'

'Supplies' He repeats as he sets said bag down on the counter top so it's no longer asking to be tripped over.

'Roe ran away earlier'

'What?'

'Yup, She made it all the way to the front yard, it was quite the escape'

'What she just went out the house without telling you?'

'No, no. She announced she was running away' Peyton smiles. 'I don't think she really gets the concept. I went along with it and then she got annoyed that I wasn't stopping her'

'Risky move after Sawyer' He teases. She'd pulled a similar card on their older daughter when the then ballsy four year old had had a fit about not being allowed a chocolate Sunday at her Nana's cafe. After an hour long tantrum an exhausted Peyton had told her if she wanted one so terribly she'd have to get herself there. She'd not considered the youngster actually trying to do so.

'Not the same' She pouts at him. 'Roe is nothing like Sawyer. She's all you. She's a rule follower' She screws up her nose at her reasoning because he's not a rule follower. Not anymore. He knows that that's precisely what she's thinking. 'Let's just hope she doesn't loose her morals like you have huh'

He takes it. Concentrates on the first half of her sentence. 'So you finally admit that Sawyer's stubborn streak is all you do you?' He counters with because at the time she'd been all too keen to blame him for letting the then four year old watch spy kids.

'There's a lot worse traits to have than being stubborn'

'I dunno. It'd help me out if she'd not inherited that. Is she gonna come today?'

Her expression softens as she shakes her head. 'I tried to persuade her but she's having none of it. You've just got to give her time. She'll come round'

'She will?'

'Of course she will'

'Will you?' It spouts free from his mouth before his lips and brain connect.

'Can we not do this today?' She doesn't want to argue. 'You just gonna take Roe back to your Mum's today?' She changes the subject.

'Yeah. Maybe do a BBQ'

'She'll like that'

'Do you have plans?'

'I'm meeting the author of this book I'm illustrating actually'

'...oh' She wrings her hands together. Nervousness to be telling him or about the meeting itself he's not entirely sure. 'What about Sawyer?'

'B is gonna come over'

'You're meeting him out?'

'Yes'

'Where?' Her eyes narrow. 'What? I'm just interested'

'At Trek' He's frowning. 'What?' She shrugs. 'What can possibly be wrong with my venue of choice?'

'Nothing' He supposes. 'It's just hardly a work meeting venue is it?'

'It's just a chat. There's no gigs on tonight so it'll be quiet'

'You don't even know this guy. What if he's bad news?'

She crosses her arms. Doesn't know if to be amused or angry. He's never interrogated her over a work meeting to this extent. 'Well I guess I'll just be kidnapped and never be seen again'

'Don't joke'

'My mother-in-law owns the place. I know every single person that works there. If in some insane scenario he's a twat I have a team of people that have my back. You're acting like I'm gonna be going down a dark ally with the guy'

He squints at her. 'Your mother-in-law does own the place. Your husband is just being protective' He murmurs.

She averts her eyes. Ignores him. 'Why don't you go get your kid and get going?'

'You'd call me wouldn't you? If you needed me?' She bites her lip. 'Don't laugh I'm serious'

'If I need help I'll be calling the police. We're talking about a well known, successful author Lucas. What do you think he's gonna do to me? I thought you liked his work!'

He squints at her. He's never felt threatened by another guy before but threatened sums up the unease in his belly because this man is where he wants to be. He has what he wants and now his wife is meeting said guy for a drink. He runs his hand through his hair.

'I still can't believe you're doing this'

Her brow kinks. 'Doing what?! Working? Do not make me feel guilty for furthering my career and providing for _our_ children. Just don't'

'It could be anyone! You could've gone with anyone but you had to choose Julian fucking Baker'

'I didn't choose him!' She sniggers. 'He asked me. You admire him!-'

'Exactly, you're just trying to make me jealous'

'Yes that's my number one priority right now' She hums dryly.

He shakes his head walks the length of the kitchen. Sits at the kitchen island and she wants to scream because sitting is implying he's not going and she wants him to go right now because he's making it hard not to loose her temper.

She migrates to where he is. Her steps quickening when she realises her diary is open on the counter top and he's blatantly scanning it. She yanks it out from under his nose and shuts it. 'Can you not'

'What? It's handy to know your schedule. Why do you have a Doctor's appointment on Thursday?'

She shakes her head exasperatedly. 'Lucas' She whimpers.

'What?!

'My schedule isn't your business. You need to stop'

'Stop? I'm not doing anything. I'm never gonna stop taking an interest in you. Especially your well being. Why the Doctor's appointment?'

'Just a check up' Her cheeks puff out and his eyes narrow.

'Do you know you're a terrible liar?'

'Well we can't all have that skill can we?'

'Why the Doctor's appointment?' He repeats and she knows he's not going to drop it.

'I've been thinking I might go on the pill' She sighs exasperatedly.

His eyes harden '...What?' She looks at him like he's delusional because she knows exactly what assumption he's making and it's absurd.

'Because I don't want to worry about contraception on my hot date tonight' She drawls sarcastically. She's met with an unamused glare. His jaw juts out and she smiles and shakes her head. 'You're utterly ridiculous'

'It's not funny'

'No? I kinda think it is. You know I'm joking'

'Do I?'

'You think I'd sleep with someone I'm meeting to _work_ with? You might be capable of that but I on the other hand-'

'You're pissed off with me. You're angry'

'Yes' She can't argue with that.

'So you want to get back at me?'

'Are we 12?'

His hand rubs the back of his neck. 'You still haven't told me who that guy was at the cafe the other week-'

'He works for Julian's publishers. It was a meeting about all this' She sighs. She doesn't know why she's indulging him with such information but the distressed expression on his face has her feeling guilty.

He's not done with quizzing her though. 'Why the pill?'

'Because my period is all over the place and I think it'd help me not be a crazy person if it was more regular. I dunno if it'll help but I wanna talk to someone about it' She confides begrudgingly, his fierce expression softens. 'Is that ok with you?'

'You're not feeling well?' He knows she's been down. Knows she's been stressed. Knows he's responsible for many of the feelings she's been battling but the depression has been there for a good while. It's spiralled from grief.

'I'm fine'

'Clearly not if you feel like that's necessary. You've made it apparent in the past that you didn't want to take that'

'Things change'

'You don't think this is a change we should discuss?'

'Er' She kinks her brow. 'Nope' She disagrees.

'No? So years of us trying for another baby and now we're taking contraceptives'

' _We're_ not doing anything'

'How long are you intending to take it? Won't it effect our chances of conceiving naturally or with IVF and-'

'Our chances of conceiving' She snorts. 'Are zero'

'No they're not-'

'They're zero because there is no us Lucas! Can you just stop. You're here to pick up Roe. Can you just do that and go?'

'I think we should talk about this. Don't go on the pill' She widens her eyes. 'I'm not telling you want to do. I'm just, I'm asking you not to do it. Please. I'll come with you to the appointment. I've been wanting you to go for months. You need to get help, you can't deny that you've been depressed-'

'I'm gonna go get Roe for you' She cuts him off.

'Peyton-'

'Done talking about it Luke'

She smiles sweetly at him over her shoulder and he hates that smile. 'I'm not' He grumbles to himself. He's alone for thirty seconds before he reaches for her diary and begins to sift through the next couple of weeks to get a better idea of her whereabouts. He's tempted to take a photo on his phone but he figures that might be a step too far. She looks at him exasperatedly on her return with Roewyn in toe because he not so subtly shoves the messy book out of his reach as they re-enter.

She doesn't say anything though. Won't bicker in front of the little girl that's raced over to greet her Daddy, especially with the child's recent "run away" fresh in her mind. She plays nice. Laughs and joins in with their conversation. Agrees when Roewyn all but demands that they all have to have a picnic soon. She doesn't miss the smug look on his face. Inwardly sighs because he's lost his number one accomplice in Sawyer but she wouldn't put it past him to start using their youngest daughter to try and weasel his way into spending more time with her. And she knows she's going to have to do that. Wants to get to a point where they can all do things together as a family despite their separation, wants to get to that point for the girls but god she's so not there yet.

'Sawyer's not coming. She still doesn't like you' Roewyn's announcement eradicates the smug expression on his face.

'It's ok. I'll see her later' Lucas nods with a suddenly strained smile. 'Have you got everything Roe Boat? Nana is probably beside herself waiting to see you'

'I just need to get Kitty Cat'

'Ok. Scoot go get the mangled cat' She glares are him. She's still not quite sure what mangled mean but she's got the gist that it's not the nicest description for her beloved friend.

'She's not mangled. She's well loved' She wags her finger at him before running off.

'She loves that thing more than us'

'Uhuh. So please don't wind up leaving it anywhere. The night you left it at Skills Pizza joint was a sleepless night for me'

'Right' he salutes. '...I could make Sawyer come with us you know. So Brooke can go with you later'

'I don't think you making her do anything right now is a good move'

'No' He already knows that.

'Especially for some absurd reason' She mutters.

'...it's really absurd?'

She stares at him. Knows her answer should be no answer. Because no answer is saying what she keeps declaring so emphatically. No answer says her private life is hers. Not his. Because this is what this all boils down to; her meeting another man, work or not. Hours of fearing her moving on has him concerned as to what her true agenda is here. A completely insane concern in her eyes but she has to admit his evident unease is nothing but satisfying. And yet she can't help it, she gives him what he wants. Confirms what she really needn't. 'It's a professional work meeting. Nothing else. I don't need babysitting...yes, it's absurd'


	8. Chapter 8

EIGHT

'Sawyer in bed?' She'd half anticipated the child to have sweet talked her Aunt into letting her stay up late and watch an inappropriate film. It wouldn't have been the first time that her best friend had given in to her persuasive daughter.

'Don't sound so surprised' Brooke pouts. '...she was kinda quiet. Actually volunteered to go to bed'

Peyton sighs as she sits down on the sofa, slipping her heels off and rubbing her sore feet. 'This has all hit her so much harder than I imagined'

'She'll get there sweetie, it's kinda just happened for her in a way. She's just processing'

'Yeah. I know. I just wish I could make it all go away for her'

'You're here for her in every way. She knows that...So spill' She changes the subject.

'What?'

'How was your night?' Brooke wavers her hands impatiently.

'Good, I think. I mean I was probably horribly awkward. Not probably. Definitely. Especially for the first half hour'

'I highly doubt that'

'I wish I was better at talking to new people. Don't you get nervous?'

'I think you're a whole lot better at it than you think. You're just outta practice. I have to talk to people I don't know every day because of work, you've not had to do that in a long time. So, what was he like?' her mischievous smile has Peyton's eyes narrowing because she knows it's only a matter of time before her best friend makes this conversation inappropriate.

'Why're you smiling like that'

'I can't smile?! You had a work meeting with some guy you're gonna be working with. Is it oh so wrong for me to be interested in my friend's evening?'

'I know that look'

'What look?'

'The concocting a plan look'

Brooke snorts. 'You're ridiculous'

'Am I?'

'Yes. I'm genuinely interested in how it went, does that not warrant me asking what the bloody guy was like?'

'He's really nice and he's relatively happy for me to do my own thing creatively I think which is always what I want to hear'

'Winning. And?'

'And?'

'Is he hot?' Peyton crosses her arms. 'What?'

'What's that got to do with anything?'

'Well if he's your rebound to get over your cheating ass husband as well as your work colleague then we've hit the jackpot'

'And there we have it' Peyton murmurs. 'As I told you earlier, this was not a date. I'm not looking for a rebound. If in some insane hypothetical world I were I'd not bloody choose to sleep with the guy I'm working with. How's that professional?'

'It's not like you've got an office job. There's no rules in this situation'

'Nope' Peyton acknowledges with a small nod. 'But there is the small factor that I don't want to'

'Not hot then?' Brooke pouts disappointedly.

'I didn't say that. He's...cute. I'm just so not there B. I wouldn't even know how to'

'Well I can explain the birds and the bees if you need some help'

'Funny. You know what I mean. Want me to set you up with him? That'll be fun' Peyton wriggles her eyebrows.

'We're concentrating on fixing you thanks'

'Fixing me' Peyton drones. 'Why thanks'

'Yup. You know even if you're not interested in dating right now that doesn't mean Lucas needs to know that'

'I'm not about to start some stupid game just to spite him'

'I'm not suggesting you start a game but don't act all high and mighty. Look at you right now' She points to her friend's little black dress and waits for the blonde's predictable death glare.

'Are you for real?! You all but bloody forced me into this earlier' Peyton complains.

Brooke smirks. 'You couldn't rock up in jeans. You needed to make a lasting impression'

'Oh so it wasn't about me feeling confident and good about myself as you sold it to me earlier?' She scowls and slaps Brooke's thigh.

'Ow! Hey!' Brooke shrieks, amusement dancing in her eyes.

'It's not funny'

'Kinda is. Your words earlier were _I want to feel like a human being and not someone who spent the afternoon building a lego tower'_

'Mmm...Why does your voice always go high pitched when you're imitating me? I do not sound like that'

Brooke laughs. 'Well we definitely achieved that. You weren't playing Mummy tonight, you were Peyton'

'...for me. Not Julian'

'For you' Brooke's drawled affirmation is nothing but patronising.

'...oh god, does this shout desperate, soon to be divorced? Is that what you sent me out looking like?!'

'No! Jesus calm down. You're overthinking everything P. I'm just messing, it's a bloody dress'

'...It's not though is it? It was meant to be for our Anniversary'

'I know. I made it remember?'

'He rocked up so late that I'd gone to bed' Peyton grumbles.

'I know. Now you've got a nicer memory to associate with it hey and you can concentrate on how bloody jealous he'd be if he knew you wore that on your little date tonight-'

'Well he's not going to know and not a date' She grinds out. She knows her friend is teasing but she's suddenly worrying that perhaps her attire could've given Julian a certain impression. 'Behave. I already got the Spanish inquisition from Lucas, I definitely don't need you implying what he was blatantly thinking' Brooke cackles and claps her hands together then. 'You're awful'

'Uhuh, one of us needs to relish in his misery. Did this little third degree come outta nowhere?'

'He saw the Doctor's appointment I have next week in my diary, I told him I want to go on the pill'

Brooke flaps her hand in frustration. 'You've gotta stop engaging in conversation with him P. I swear he's here every five seconds'

'He's entitled to see the girls'

'I know that. But he's not entitled to get to see you whenever he wants...so he thought you're going on the pill because you want to sleep around?' Brooke assumes with a sly grin.

'That's blatantly where his mind went...Brooke' Peyton looks at her exasperatedly because her smile seems to be getting impossibly wider.

'What?' The brunette whines. 'I'm just playing. What was that?' Her ears are pricked.

Both their heads swivel towards the door that leads out into the hall. Footsteps are approaching.

'It's only me!' Lucas' voice hollers.

'Jesus christ!' Brooke complains. 'Has he heard of knocking? Frightened the bloody life outta me. See he has no boundaries just waltzing in here to give us a heart attack' She rambles on.

Peyton is on her feet by the time he enters, her expression anxious because unlike her best friend her mind is on her youngest daughter because she's pretty sure he'd only rock up here at this time if it concerned their child. Sure enough, Roewyn is in his arms, legs locked around his waist. 'What's wrong? What's happened?'

He's halted in his tracks, his eyes trailing down her. She doesn't miss the way they darken a few shades. His expression gives nothing away though and she can't determine whether he's masking anger or lust but she doesn't linger on that because her mind can only focus on one thing; Roewyn.

'Mummy' Roewyn reaching for his wife snaps him out of his stupor. He blinks.

'Mummy's here' Peyton soothes.

'She's ok but she's not feeling well. She really wanted you'

'Oh honey' Peyton coos and takes her from him. 'My poor baby' She sits down with the unhappy seven year old on her lap and runs her hand over her forehead. 'You sure feel hot'

'I'll go grab the thermometer- Mum didn't have one' Lucas calls over his shoulder as he goes in search of the item in question.

'Think it's in the cupboard in the downstairs bathroom' She calls back.

'I was sick on N-Nana and Kitty Cat' Roewyn announces then. The comforting hand that Brooke had just laid on the little girl's back retracts slowly.

'Oh dear'

'She said it d-didn't matter'

'Of course it doesn't baby, these things happen'

'But Kitty Cat had t-to have a b-bath s-so I can't have h-her tonight'

'That's ok' Peyton hopes her voice sounds calmer than she feels because the soft toy in question being out of action usually signals a sleepless night 'We'll get her back tomorrow. You can borrow my Teddy tonight, how about that?'

'...ok'

Peyton knows she really does feel unwell then because she was anticipating more of an upset.

'I think I'm gonna' Brooke whispers and points to the exit as she stands because with every passing second she feels like she's being infected with germs.

'Yeah. Probably a good shout' Peyton agrees because she doesn't want her friend catching any bug.

'Hope you feel better Roe. Love you'

'Thanks Aunt Brooke'

Brooke eagerly gets herself nearer the door. 'Thanks again for tonight B'

'Anytime' The brunette side steps round Lucas as he re-enters in a whirlwind of movement. He's too wrapped up in his current mission to engage with any goodbyes, not that she'd issue him with any and he's not got time to try and play nice right now.

'Look here comes Daddy' Peyton murmurs.

She watches him juggle a glass of water and a selection of other items. He always was really good in this situations. He never ran away and hid to let her deal with it, he was always there. 'Water and bowl in case you feel sick again and...' Peyton helpfully brushes her daughter's hair out of the way as he shifts the device into her ear gently. 'Let's get this checked properly'

'She was sick?'

'Yeah. Twice. She was fine until about five and then she seemed really lethargic. She had a few mouthfuls of dinner and then about an hour later threw up'

'You shoulda rang me'

'I didn't want to interrupt your meeting. She fell asleep for a bit but woke up half an hour ago and started asking for you'

'I don't feel good'

'I know honey'

'It's high' Lucas assesses and tilts the little screen of the thermometer so Peyton can read it herself.

'Let's get you snuggled up in bed and I'll find you some medicine' She decides.

'Can I sleep in your bed?'

'Uhuh'

'Here, let me carry her up there' He half expects the unwell little girl to protest considering how desperately she'd been pining for her Mum for the last hour but apparently Peyton holding her hand is enough.

She's not as light as she once was. It feels like only yesterday he could cradle her in his arms. He doesn't know where that time has gone.

'Can I still go to ballet tomorrow?'

'I don't think so honey'

'I might feel better'

'I'm sure you will but we don't want any of your other friends to catch whatever bug you've got hey?'

'No'

They climb the rest of the stairs in silence.

He's not been in his own bedroom in what feels like forever. It's the same. He's got at least half of his wardrobe at his mother's house but he'd been sure to only take the staple items. Wanted to make sure his presence was still very much here. Prized possessions are still on display. Keith's watch. His treasured books. His things are still here but his absence is apparent. The bed only smells like her. She's been lighting those god forsaken candles again. He'd taken to hiding them on top of the bathroom cupboard because he knew she'd have to clamber up onto something to reach them. Seemingly she's located the overly fragrant candles because the smell is lingering. He'd let her light her candles if it meant he could have his bed back.

She's sat on the other side of Roewyn now. Has diligently given the child a spoonful of medicine to try and help settle her stomach. Has tucked her in. Has given her the tattered blue bear that still lives under her pillow despite being in adulthood. He's always teased her for it.

'I think he needs a bath as much as Kitty Cat Mumma' Roewyn murmurs as Peyton strokes her forehead. She's got her legs curled underneath her and his eyes keep skittering to the creamy flesh of her thighs that are delightfully on display. He's not been privy to seeing her long limbs uncovered in so long. Is displeased that seemingly she's allowed another man to get such a treat all evening.

'Yeah. Maybe' She agrees to her daughter's observation of the thread bare bear. He knows she'll not wash it. Will claim she doesn't want it to loose it's smell of her mother when the reality is he's sure it lost that smell years and years ago.

As he curls up on the other side of Roewyn he briefly wonders if he could get away with sleeping here in this very spot. Peyton can't get mad at him for falling asleep by accident. Allowing him to do so would be another matter. He's not confident she'd not wake him up and send him on his way. God to have one night, so close to them all again, even if it's a not so peaceful evening; he'll take what he can get.

It doesn't take long for the seven year old to succumb to sleep. 'I hope she sleeps through' Lucas murmurs quietly.

'Hopefully'

'I'm sorry if I scared you'

'You could've rung me to give me a bit of heads up' She stands up slowly and signals to the door. Any hopes of having a night in his bed are gone.

'I would've, she just got hysterical pretty quick and I couldn't console her' He admits. 'I should've been able to'

'It's not you' She leaves the door ajar in case their little patient calls out. 'If it had happened the other way round she would have been asking for you' She's convinced that's the truth.

'I don't know'

'I do. I suspect the Kitty Cat incident is what threw her over the edge'

He smiles because that was the point of his evening when things seemed to spiral out of control. 'We need to get replicas of that bloody thing made'

'Don't think she'd buy it'

'No. Probably not... I miss doing this with you' Her eyes slowly meet his. 'Us being parents-'

'We are parents'

'Together. We've not been doing it together. It's always easier when you're there. We, we do it so good together don't you think?'

She smiles sadly. 'Yes'

He nods. Pauses. Opens and closes his mouth. '...Sawyer asleep?'

'I think so. I'd not got in long before you got here, I've not had a chance to put my head in' She walks the few steps further up the hall to the door on the right. Twists the door knob with skill, slowly letting it retract back once she's got the door ajar. They both peer in for a moment. Sawyer's heavy breaths signal her sleep and only when they're convinced do they walk further into the room. The light on the bedside table is still on. A book abandoned atop of her curled up form. Peyton carefully retrieves it, closing it and setting it on her desk before attentively adjusting the covers over her.

Lucas's hand feathers over her forehead before he drops a kiss there.

He doesn't linger, knows lingering any longer is going to result in her waking and her little carefree expression will be well and truly gone when she locks eyes on him.

Peyton turns the small light off and they both tip toe back out with expertise.

'I'm surprised she didn't talk Brooke into letting her stay up'

'You and me both' She agrees as she walks ahead of him. His eyes shamelessly trail down her.

'New dress?' He asks the question that's been on the tip of his tongue since he entered the living room.

'Sort of'

'Sort of?' He repeats because sort of is a hell of a lot better than any of the accusations he has.

'I've had it a while, just haven't worn it'

He knows that. Knows because there's no way he'd not have remembered it. It finishes about an inch above her knee. It's long sleeved and the neckline goes across her shoulders. The back dips low, leaving her creamy skin on display and his fingers twitching 'And tonight felt like a fitting occasion' It's not a question, merely a statement.

She stops herself from rolling her eyes because Brooke was right; He's jealous and she doesn't know if to be pleased by his predictability or irritated. She goes with irritated. 'Well the occasion I got it for didn't really pan out as I expected' She quickens her pace, thinks perhaps she should get them back downstairs because upstairs suddenly doesn't feel like a safe zone.

'What?' He runs a couple of steps to keep up.

'Nothing'

'Don't say nothing. What did you get it for?'

'If you'd not stayed out on our Anniversary gambling maybe you'd have seen it before' She smiles tightly as they reach the bottom of the stairs.

'I didn't stay out, I was late'

'Ok' She nods disinterestedly.

'...you look beautiful' He refrains from saying what he's actually wondering. He's wondering why she's put the same amount of effort into going to some meeting with a god damn stranger as she would on their anniversary evening.

She rolls her eyes because she can read him all too well and knows he's holding back.

'...You'd got dressed up on our anniversary?'

'...I just said so didn't I?'

'I'm sorry'

'Not a big deal'

'It is. I'm an asshole'

'Yes'

'You were waiting for me in this' He's stalking towards her but she's quick to shut him down.

'Look I'm most likely going to be up half the night with Roe. I want to get to bed' He swallows thickly because she's just painted a picture of herself, waiting for him, in this and his hands are itching to touch her. 'I'll call you if anything changes with her'

He exhales heavily. '...I'm staying'

'What?' She frowns.

'...Can, can't I stay?' He rephrases. 'If I go back to Mum's I'm gonna be worrying about her all night. I'll sleep in Roe's bedroom. I just wanna be able to check on her'

'...Ok' She sighs because she can't say no to that because if it were the other way round she'd be refusing to leave too.

'Yeah? Thank you...' She nods and goes about getting them both some water for the night. 'So how was the meeting?' He feels like a complete ass because jealousy had had him forgoing that enquiry. He supposes he should have led with that instead of focusing on her attire. His mind is back on the little black dress though because it's riding up as she stands on her tip toes to get two glasses from the top shelf.

'...Good, I think'

He doesn't help. Wonders how hard she'd hit him if he cornered her against the work surface right now.

'You liked him?' He finds his voice as her heels find purchase on the floor once more and she goes about filling the two glasses.

'He was nice. I think you'd like him. He's given me creative freedom which is obviously what I wanted'

Lucas nods, knows he should be pleased because if she can't work freely she can't work at all. 'That's good'

'Yeah'

'You don't need to be so nervous. He's gonna love everything you do'

'I'm not nervous'

'Ok' He nods. Doesn't call her out. Knows she's nervous. Knows her.

'...do you think I'm getting in over my head?' She blurts suddenly.

'What?' He's squinting at her.

'I..it's not like I'm-'

'You're amazing. He's chosen you, he could've chose anyone but he chose you because he's clearly seen your work and knows what you're bloody capable of. He's seen how amazing you are. Ok?'

'...Ok' She nods to herself. '...thank you' She extends his water out to him.

'Anytime. You're amazing. I know I've given you a hard time but that's not because I don't think you're capable I just want' He shakes his head. 'It's not about what I want'

'No' Her hair is down and pulled back on one side. It bobs as she nods. He's not seen it like that in a while. He wants to put his hands through it.

'...you really do look hot right now'

Her eyes harden as anticipated. He won't regret it though because her cheeks have a rosy red tint to them 'Ok. Bed. Now' She shortly decides.

'Is that an invitation?' He slyly answers.

'Do you want me to retract the offer of you staying?'

'Nope. Behaving. Going' He salutes. 'After you'

'Nope. After you' He walks ahead.

'I see how it is. You wanna check me out Mrs Scott?' He looks back over his shoulder at her. 'Because I'm oh so irresistible'

'Look where you're going, you're going to bloody fall up the stairs in a minute and if you wake Sawyer she'll kick you out for me'

'Shutting up' He promises.

It's not his bed, it's not where he should be but it's a step closer. Even if it is just tonight. He'll take what he can get and if right now that's sleeping in his seven year old's single bed then that's fine. Because if Roewyn is sick anymore he'll be there to help and come morning he'll be here too.


	9. Chapter 9

NINE

'Why's _he_ here?' Sawyer's hands are on her hips as she marches into her parents bedroom.

Peyton yawns. She's barely slept. She'd like nothing more than to curl up back in bed.

'Your Dad is here because Roewyn was throwing up last night and wanted to come home. It was late when he bought her back'

'I don't want him here'

'Baby' Peyton sighs. 'I'm really tired. Roe's been up half the night being sick. I know you're not happy and I'm sorry but your little sister wants your Daddy and she also wants me. So you're gonna need to try and be patient. He'll be gone soon anyway, Grandad is coming over, Ok?'

The eleven year old flops onto her mother's bed and says nothing. Peyton glances at her in the mirror as she continues to put a bit of mascara on.

'Wanna tell me what you're thinking?'

'Nothing'

'No?'

Sawyer chews on the inside of her cheek for a long minute. '...Did you have a good date with that guy last night?'

Her question has Peyton lowering the mascara wand from her lashes. She twists around on the stool she's perched on. 'It was a work meeting honey. Why're you calling it a date?' She shrugs her shoulders. '...Were you listening to me and Aunt Brooke talking before I left?'

'...No...maybe'

'Sawyer'

'What?! Do you want me to walk around with ear muffs on?'

Peyton smiles at her sassy response. 'No. I'd like you to stop pressing your ear up against doors' She inserts the mascara wand back into it's tube and twists the lid shut before rising and walking over to the bed.

'Well maybe you should think about what you talk about if you don't want your kids to hear'

'...I'm sorry. Your Aunt Brooke was just being silly. I'm not dating anyone and if I were you'd be the first to know ok?' Sawyer rolls onto her back and looks up into Peyton's face then.

'I don't care'

'No?' Peyton tucks a strand of hair behind Sawyer's ear.

'...I don't know. Maybe I would' She ponders. 'Would they move in with us?'

'Woah. No' Peyton shakes her head. 'You're moving fast. If anything like that ever happened it would be way, way down the line and you'd have made that kind of decision with me. If and that's a big if, there was anyone then I'd make sure I knew you liked them too honey' She strokes her face.

'And if I didn't?'

'Then they'd be out the door' Sawyer smiles. 'You and Roe are number one always. You got that?'

'...yeah...is _he_ still seeing the girl he had an affair with? He said he wasn't'

'...I don't think so but I don't really know jitterbug'

'...what if he is and I don't like her?'

'Then you'd never have to see her. I don't think Daddy would continue doing something if he knew it was making you unhappy either. But you kinda gotta see him in order for him to know what you're thinking and feeling'

Sawyer bites on her lip. '...I wish everything could go back to normal'

'I know. And if I could give you that I would baby. In a heartbeat'

'...I don't think I do want you to date anyone Mummy'

'Me neither honey. You don't need to worry about that. Ok?'

'...ok. Aunt Brooke thinks you should though'

'Aunt Brooke isn't always right, despite what she says' Peyton smiles and drops a kiss to her nose. '...now, do you think you can do me a favour and be nice to your sister today?'

'I'm always nice' Peyton looks at her through narrowed eyes. 'I'll be nice'

•••

'Lucas'

'Huh?' He startles at her tone. Lowers his book. He'd come out here because quite frankly his eldest daughter's death glare wasn't the easiest to be on the receiving end of. It's more than apparent where his little girl has acquired said expression because he's earned a very similar look from his wife that's standing before him now.

'What did I just say?' It's her stern mother voice. He's sure he's encountered said voice more often than their actual children recently. Her arms are crossed, her brow raised and he knows by her stance that she's just been talking to him and he wasn't listening.

'Er, yes?' He tries. He sits up a little straighter on the swing seat. It rocks.

'Yes' She repeats.

'Yes. That's my answer' He grins hopefully. He'd always liked this spot. Or mores specifically he liked sitting in this spot with her. They'd sat here the first night they'd moved in. Had shared a bottle of wine. Had laughed. Kissed a while until he'd dragged her inside to take her to bed.

'You're gonna sign the papers' She smiles sweetly back and almost cackles as his face contorts. She's ruined the little trip he'd been taking down memory lane.

'What? No! No, that's not, that's not what I meant'

'You just said your answer was yes so either yes you're gonna sign the papers or you weren't listening to me. Which is it?'

He sighs. '...fine I wasn't listening' He admits.

'No' She already knows that. She confiscates his book then and his mouth opens because he wants to dog ear the page he was on at the very least but she's tossed it over her shoulder before he can make his case.

'Peyton!' He whines as it thumps onto the wooden deck. 'How many times, be nice to the books!'

'I'll be nice to the books the day that you find me of more interest!' She retorts. 'God if I had a penny for every time I've had to battle your attention from a sodding book'

He's smirking then. 'Maybe you just need to talk to me about something other than the girls for five minutes'

The predictable indignant expression he'd been seeking soon appears. 'You just admitted you weren't listening!'

He's come to the conclusion that she'd been messing with him in regards to the true nature of the topic she'd been attempting to discuss with him. Knows because he knows her. Didn't miss that coy look in her eye. And if she'd not been talking about the divorce papers she's so eager for him to sign there's only one other likely contender. 'So you were talking about the girls' He laughs because her huff is admission of just that.

'Your children should be of great interest to you'

'They are' He nods. '...they're my favourite but their mother slips in just ahead'

Her irritation melts for a brief moment but it soon comes back. 'They should be your number one Lucas' She hisses and he leans back in his seat in entertainment which only infuriates her more and he knows it.

'They are my number one. They're the most important thing in my life. But I'm their parent. They're not the person that I want to fool around with, or laugh with or confide in-'

'That'd be a first' She sniggers of his last word.

He crosses his arms. Decides to change the subject. Smiles. 'You look really cute in that'

Her eyes glance down at herself. She's wearing a high neck black and white polka dot sweater with a black denim pinafore dress. It's new. She knows he's not seen it before. She's flustered and her sudden silence only emphasises that. She's forgotten why she's out here and why she's cross.

'Do they unfasten or is that just for show?' He stands up, his hand indicating to the dungaree fastenings. She takes a step back and doesn't dignify his question with an answer. 'What?'

'You know what. You bloody know how dungarees work'

'So you have to undo them to get that on?'

'What?' She's confused by this line of questioning and isn't sure how they ended up here.

'It looks fitted here' Her feet have ran out of space and she's leaning against the porch railing as his hand touches her waist. 'There's not a zip. Do you lift it on over your head or unfasten these and shimmy out of it?'

'Hands. Off'

'Don't talk to me like I'm a dog baby' His hands stay firmly on her waist.

'You're acting like one. Don't call me baby'

He smiles. 'I just wanna know the best way to get you out of this so when I'm thinking about you later my little fantasy is accurate. You know how I like there to be substantial research for a story even if it's fiction'

'Behave Lucas' Her hands have curled round his wrists and are trying to unlock his fingers.

'Or what?' He smirks.

'What?'

'What're you going to do?'

'Hit you' She's compelled to do so in that moment and wipe the entertained expression from his face once and for all.

He laughs. 'No you're not' He disagrees.

'Don't push me-'

'It's your fault you know'

'What?'

'That I'm all worked up. What you were wearing last night' He shakes his head. 'I had good reason to loose it. I was so well behaved'

'Thank you oh so much for containing your self. Stop already' His eyes are descending down her again.

'You know what, I think you're trying to rile me up'

'What?'

'The clothes'

'What's wrong with this? I'm not sure why my clothes have suddenly become of great interest to you when they never have been before'

He snorts. 'You're more than wrong about that. There's nothing wrong with this. I'm loving this. I think maybe I've gotten slack in telling you how amazing you always look. I'm making an effort to rectify that-'

'Don't' She suggests.

'You know, not to sound like a jackass but I don't like that you wore that little number to go meet Julian last night'

'A little hint honey, if your sentence is leading with _not to sound like a jackass_ then the likelihood is you do. Get off now'

'Well I'm a jackass then. Did Brooke talk you into wearing it..hmm?' She looks down. 'Don't let her convince you you need to get your own back'

'...I'm not a lapdog. I can make my own decisions you know'

'Well you're making bad decisions' He bluntly tells her.

'...don't act like a sexist dick. Who are you to dictate what I wear?'

'I'm not dictating anything. Don't imply I'm a controlling idiot' He stops himself from continuing down this line of enquiry because he's not a complete fool; he knows he's put her back up. '...so you lift this over your head' He smirks at her exasperated expression. 'You're no fun'

'Nope' She agrees. 'I'm not about to fuel your perverted little fantasies'

'You fuel my fantasies 24/7' He murmurs and delights at the blush on her cheeks, it feels like forever since he's been able to summon that rosy complexion. Twice in twenty four hours is unheard of. 'You can't stop me from thinking of you'

She licks her lips. Is taken aback by his forwardness and silently berates herself because she knows she's doing a poor job of chastising him for his inappropriate behaviour. '...My Dad is going to be here in a minute'

'What?' It has the desired effect. His hands are off of her in all of a heartbeat and he takes a step back and god does she want him back before her. His hands back on her.

'Yep. That's what I was telling you. Before, when you weren't listening. He's coming over for lunch with me and the girls'

'Right' He rubs the back of his neck. 'Right. And he knows now?'

'Yes'

'You told him everything'

'Yes' She confirms.

'And he hates me?'

'I think it's safe to say he's not exactly your number one fan right now...You're not invited. To lunch. So before you put any ideas in Roe's head maybe you should go say your goodbyes, hm?'

Contrary to what she thinks he has no desire to stay and face the music. 'Right, yeah I'll-'

'What's he doing here?'

A knot instantly forms in Lucas's stomach as his father-in-law's question sounds from behind him. He's use to having a more than amicable relationship with the man in question. He'd been hoping this wouldn't change that. He knows that he was dreaming in that retrospect. He also wishes he'd not been so absorbed in his book because if he'd listened to her the first time round he could've escaped this interrogation altogether.

'Hey Dad' Peyton side steps around Lucas to embrace her father. 'Roe was sick last night. She wanted me so Luke bought her back late last' She explains Lucas's presence.

'I don't know why you're even letting him see them-'

'With all due respect I'm their father' Lucas has turned around to face the music and can't help but intervene then because he doesn't want anyone planting any ideas in her head about seeking full custody. She's already declared more than once that he needn't worry about that and he knows her, knows she doesn't want the children not to have a relationship with him, that's the last thing she wants because she's a good mother. However, he knows these types of situations can turn sour.

'I've lost all respect I had for you Lucas' Larry's eyes have locked fiercely with him.

Lucas swallows. '...rightly so. But don't imply that I don't have the right to see my children'

'Where are the girls?' The protective father turns his attention back to his daughter then.

'They're watching a film. Roe still isn't feeling quite herself'

'But she's ok so there's no need for him to be here-'

'Daddy' Peyton sighs. 'Please stop. Whether we're in a relationship or not isn't ever going to stop us from having to be parents together. That involves communicating. I know you're upset but can you please try and be amicable for mine and the girls sake?'

'...I can be amicable' He tersely answers.

'Good. Luke is going in a minute anyway. I'll make us a coffee' She eagerly makes her way back into the house, being sure to give Lucas a glance that says so much. A silent plea for him to behave.

'...I know you understandably hate me right now but I, I really am trying to make this right-'

'Make it right' Larry snorts. 'You vowed to love her, to protect her until your dying breath'

'I've not broken that vow-'

'No?! I know my daughter and she's broken and that's you! You make me sick'

Lucas swallows thickly. '...I'm not for any second trying to justify my actions but we, we were...she was...our relationship has been understandably strained given everything-'

'Given everything she's bloody been through-'

'Not just her' He can't help himself. 'Do you think this has been easy on me? She's not the only one that's lost, she's not the only one that's grieved'

'But she stuck by you didn't she'

'...I don't think we should talk about this anymore. What goes on between me and Peyton is between me and Peyton. I love her. I'll always be in love with her and it, it has killed me seeing her go through everything she has. It's killed me not being able to give her everything she wants. It kills me knowing I've hurt her so badly. I've not given up on us though so you need to get use to the fact that I'm going to be around and you sure as hell can't tell me that I'm not a good father to your grandchildren. I won't have that'

'Grandad!' Roewyn's gleeful shriek is a more than welcome interruption. 'You're here!'

Lucas watches Larry paint on a smile and become the man he's usually confronted with. 'Hello honey bee! I hear you're not well' He lifts her up.

'I was sick' She announces. 'Eight times' She adds.

'Woah'

'It's my record'

Larry laughs. 'Well it sounds like you're feeling better'

'Uhuh. Mummy says no dancing today though'

'No. Probably sensible hey'

'I guess. Mummy says you can't stay for lunch Daddy' Her big eyes are on Lucas then, oblivious to the atmosphere between her Grandad and father.

'No, I've gotta go help Nana with some things. I'll see you real soon though ok?'

'Ok. You're gonna bring Kitty Cat back before bed time right?'

'Oh yeah. Right. Of course. I'll have the mangled cat back in your hands before story time ok?'

'Don't be mean to Kitty Cat Daddy, I'll know if you've been mean to her' She waggles her finger at him.

'Would I dare?' He leaves a loud kiss on her cheek. 'See you later kay?' He looks to his father-in-law, makes an effort to say goodbye. He receives a nod in answer and then Larry is eagerly taking his child back into the house and anger begins to ebb through him. Because this is house. That's his little girl. And he wants it back. Spending the night here has only emphasised how wrong this all is. He's so tired of being at his Mother's house. So tired of only getting set amount of time with his own damn family.

He catches Sawyer's eye as he walks down the porch steps. She's just been peering out the window at him. He wonders how long she's been stood there. Her stare lingers on him for a moment. He raises his hand. Waves. Smiles. She doesn't respond; abruptly turns away and his heart sinks. Because most of all he misses his eldest little girl and right now it feels like he's never going to get her back.

•••

'Daddy!' Roewyn leaps up from her lego at her fathers appearance. Peyton sighs because she's asked her youngest daughter to put on the pair of pyjama's that are draped over the arm of the sofa for the last half hour but the seven year old keeps finding just one more brick to add to her tower. Peyton knows his entrance is going to further halt bedtime.

'Guess what I've got'

'Kitty Cat!' Roewyn jubilantly declares.

'Uhuh, all clean and Roe Boat sick free'

Roewyn gigles.

Peyton's eyes narrow because the cardboard box in toe suggests he's got more than her daughter's stuffed animal. She too stands, arms folded.

'But I've also got a friend for Kitty Cat. Want to see too Sawyer?' He tries to lure his other daughter away from the ukulele she's fiddling with. She glances up and shakes her head no.

'I do!' Roewyn jumps up and down in front of the coffee table as she peers at the mystery box.

'Lucas' Peyton tries to get his attention but his name falls on deaf ears and she knows then that she's not going to approve of whatever is in said box because he's clearly not prepared to have a conversation with her about it and if he's not let her in on this little secret she can only assume it means he knows her response would be a big no.

'You gotta be quiet ok Roe'

'Luke-'

'He's gonna be a little nervous cause he's only little' He slowly pulls the flaps of the box open and both the seven year old and her mother peer into the box.

As promised Kitty Cat is awaiting her owner, sparkling clean and with a new little red and white polka dot scarf tied around her neck courtesy of Karen.

'Kitty cat!' Roewyn gleefully snatches up her beloved toy and Peyton knows the child hasn't noticed what she has. Her eyes glare a hole in the man before but he keeps his stare on their daughter as she finally realises what else is in the box. 'Awwwww it's a kitten! Mummy it's an actual kitten!' Kitty Cat gets shunned to the coffee table as Roewyn's head delves inside the box.

'Yes. It's a kitten' Her ground out words has Lucas's stare skittering up to her for a brief second before swiftly deciding it's best to return his attention to his youngest daughter.

'Here Roe-boat, come sit over here and I'll get him out and you can hold him'

Roewyn quickly races round the table and leaps onto the sofa, her smile wide as she giddily awaits the fluffy creature.

Peyton can't help but smile at her because her hands are flapping in anticipation.

Lucas props a pillow on her lap before issuing her with the small kitten. He meows as he's set down.

'He's so cute! He's so cute! Look Mummy! Look!'

'I can see baby'

'Look Sawyer!'

The two adults avert their stare to the eleven year old who quickly looks back down at the music book on the floor, trying her very hardest to look indifferent. 'Don't you wanna come see Sawyer?' Lucas tries.

'I know what cats look like thanks'

Peyton doesn't miss the deflated expression on his face and knows then that this fluffy pet was intended to win over the child and she wants to roll her eyes because she doesn't know what was going through his mind. And she's mad because they've got a pet all of a sudden and this is the kind of thing they're meant to have a conversation about. Especially now, when she's the one that's gonna have to deal with this new member of their family. But she can't find it in herself to loose it with him because Roewyn's beaming face makes her not give a damn.

'We get to keep him?'

'Uhuh' He dares to look at Peyton again. 'If Mummy says it's ok' He adds despite knowing he's put her in a position where she's going to feel like she can't say no. Regret is swirling through him because he'd not thought this through. The last thing he wanted was to piss her off. He'd saw this all going a whole lot differently. He'd thought the eleven year old across the room would be beside herself with excitement.

'Can we Mummy?'

She sits down next to her youngest daughter and joins her in fussing over the kitten. '...you're gonna look after him?'

'Uhuh'

'Brush him? Feed him?'

'Uhuh! I promise. Please?'

'...We can keep him'

'Yes! Sawyer we've got a kitten!' Lucas sighs because Sawyer stoically continues with her indifference. 'What's his name Daddy?'

'He hasn't got one yet. What do you reckon?'

'Any ideas Sawyer?' Peyton tries to help him out by prompting their other child.

'I don't care'

'I know, I know!'

'Yeah? What honey?' Peyton laughs at Roewyn's enthusiasm.

'He's black so, so I think he should be called Batman!'

'Batman?' Peyton's brow kinks.

'Uhuh! Batty Bat Batman Scott!'

'Batman' Lucas repeats, his eyes still on Sawyer. He anticipates her piping up with her sister's suggestion because he's sure she'll have an opinion on the Kitten's name.

She stays silent.

'Please, he likes it don't you Batman?' Roewyn hums to the kitten.

'Batman it is then' Lucas chuckles. 'I've got a couple more things in the car for Batman. I'm just gonna go grab them'

'I'll help you' Peyton eagerly gets up. 'You ok with him for a minute Roe?'

'Uhuh, uhuh, uhuh' The little girl nuzzles her nose against the kitten's head and giggles as his little paw claws at the pillow curiously.

'Ok, we'll be back in a sec' Peyton ruffles Roewyn's hair as she walks around the back of of the sofa and follows Lucas.

They don't speak. He glances at her. Is waiting for her to snap at him but it doesn't come and he can't read her. He doesn't say anything until they're half way down the front pathway.

'...sorry'

'Uhuh'

'...I should've ran it by you'

'Uhuh'

'...I just, you know Mrs Anderson opposite Mum?' He pauses as they reach his car.'Her cat had five kittens and she's trying to find them homes and she said I'd be doing her favour- it's not like I bought him-'

'Oh cause he's not gonna cost anything is he? There won't be food and vet bills'

'...I'm sorry I just thought...are you mad? You're mad aren't you?'

'Oh my opinion matters all of a sudden?'

'You're mad' He sighs and opens the car door. 'I'm sorry'

'You're lucky Roe is the happiest little girl in the whole world right now' She utters.

'She is right?' His head reappears from the car, his arms full with a sack of cat food, a mini bed and a few toys.

'Yes' She takes the bag of food from him.

'She wasn't really my target'

'...I know...bribery is never a long term fix Luke'

'...Mmm. I'd take a temporary fix right now. I miss her'

'She's stayed in the same room as you today. Progress'

'And given me nothing but your killer glares'

'My killer glares'

'Yeah. They're bad enough when I get them from you but her...' He shakes his head.

'...I do not have a killer glare'

'I'd beg to differ. Sometimes I'm sure you're actually gonna produce lasers'

'Well maybe you should work on trying not to piss me off'

'...noted...for the record I wasn't trying to piss you off with the kitten'

'I know'

'...How was your lunch with your Dad?'

'Fine'

'I hope I wasn't the topic of conversation'

'The girls presence meant we avoided that subject'

'...I never thought I'd miss being addressed as rake boy' They're back in the house now and she slows as they approach the living room.

'Well rake boy, I've been trying to get that little girl into bed for the last hour and you've just disrupted bed time with your delightful gift so you can put her to bed and do the Monster check routine whilst I play with Batman'

'You like the kitten' He smirks.

'...he's fluffy. He's not a human. He's called Batman. What's not to like?'

'You're not mad at me'

'Don't get too carried way. So you're going to put her to bed?'

'I'd love nothing more'


	10. Chapter 10

TEN

'You agreed!' This isn't going how she anticipated. The last couple of weeks they'd seemed to have gotten into a rhythm. They'd been amicable.

'No! No I didn't actually I just-'

'What? Fed me a yes to shut me up and bide you some more time?!' She assumes.

'We've been getting on-'

'For the girls! We're making an effort to be civil. For the girls!' She laminates fiercely. She's angry. He's been difficult for the past hour. She'd invited him here out of courtesy. Thought he should be involved as the estate agent talked her through a few things and got the ball rolling so to speak. She's wishing she never asked because it had been awkward. He'd made it awkward and she'd been nothing but relieved when the meeting was finally over with.

'Oh so it's all an act is it? You playing nice'

'It's not an act but if you think we're, that I'm, nothing has changed!' She bleats. 'Me being civil doesn't equate to me being over this!-'

'We don't need to do this!' His hands flap in front of him. 'You know when this house is sold that's it right?' He snaps his fingers. 'We can't just get it back!'

'I'm not an idiot! We don't have a choice-'

'We have a choice!

'We have to-'

'No-'

'Yes! I've been through this with you. This is the right decision. For the both of us. That was so bloody embarrassing Lucas! She thought were crazy people! You don't get to put me in that position! I'm struggling, do you not get that? There's a million outstanding bills and-'

'And I want to help with-'

'Help?! You can't summon money out of thin air! The sooner this is in place I'll feel better. Do you want to live with your Mum forever?-'

'No I want to come home!'

She pinches the bridge of her nose. '...it's going on the market tomorrow. I swear to god we can do this the easy way or the hard way and I don't want that!'

'I'm coming home' He barks then. Her brow shoots up. 'I've had enough of this shit'

'You've had enough' She dryly repeats.

'Yes! I've done what you want. Ok? That's enough now-'

'I think it's time for you to go-'

'This is ridiculous!'

'Ridiculous?! Ridiculous is you thinking this is something you need to wait out! I don't want to go to court with you-'

'You can't afford to go to court' He sniggers.

'Brooke will loan me the money. I don't want to take her money but if you're not gonna do this amicably I will! We'll have to get the court to sort out our kids schedules. A court to say who gets them each week. Who gets them on Birthdays and Christmases. I don't want it to be like that!' Her voice is shrill. 'I want them to have us both there! I want this to be civil! I want this to be like we've been doing it the last couple of weeks. Don't you want that?!'

'This is bullshit' he slams his hand down on the counter top. 'Maybe we should go to court'

Her eyes become steely as she stares at him then. 'You want this to be like that? You want to put our girls through that? You want someone else governing how we raise our children?! You want to make this a fight-'

'We're already fighting! You might be willing to give up on everything we've built together but I'm not!-'

'No?! You gave up on me in all of a heartbeat!-'

'This is me giving up on you?' He growls irately. 'I'm saying the exact opposite-'

'Get out!-'

'Peyton-'

'Get. Out.'

'I-'

'Now!' She's angry. Embarrassed. Confused. She supposes it was too good to be true. Thinks she's a fool for thinking they could continue with the peaceful rapport they'd established in recent days. Because it's not real. None of it is real.

•••

There's a small smile on her face when she opens the front door because she was just spying on her children. They're uncharacteristically playing together and Sawyer being patient and nurturing with her little sister makes Peyton feel all warm inside and god does she need that right now.

That feeling is quick to fade as she's faced with the woman on the doorstep.

She feels like she's just been sucked into a time portal and she's back there, on that day, the day she found out her marriage was over.

And she's been trying so damn hard to find some semblance of normalcy. Trying to concentrate on her new work venture. On the girls. On getting on with Lucas. But the angry words they'd exchanged are still fresh in her mind from this morning and now this. She's trembling with rage.

'Please, I've not come here to cause trouble'

Peyton halts in her endeavour to shut the door then. She thinks she should do just that but the woman's words spark her own. 'No? You've already done that haven't you? How dare you come here! My children are here-'

'I'm so sorry Peyton. I just, I wanted to see you'

'Me?' She highly doubts that. 'I think you mean you'd like to see my husband but he's not here. You'll find him at his Mother's house'

'I'm not here to try and see Luke' Peyton's eyes narrow. 'Lucas' She bleats, because clearly the shortened version of the man in question's name is only permitted by certain people and she's not one of them. 'Please, can I come in, can we talk, just for a minute?' Peyton stares at her in disbelief. 'And then I'll go and I swear you'll never see me again. I promise. I just, please?' She ponders her plea for a long moment. She's thought about all the things she'd say and do if she were ever faced with this woman. She's got several fantasies of hitting her hard and screaming many an obscenity into her deceivingly kind face.

'You have one minute Lindsey. One' Perhaps it's those imaginings that have her inviting this woman into her home.

She guides her down the hall to the kitchen in the hopes that they'll be out of earshot from the girls. Diligently closes the door as a precaution.

The mousey haired girl flounders. Her eyes skitter around the room. Notes the large frame that hangs on the far wall. A portrait of a seemingly perfect family. They're at the river court. It's a candid snap taken unaware. Lucas is standing on the asphalt. Peyton on the bleachers behind. Her arms are draped around his neck as she leans over his shoulder, smiling at a 2 year old Roewyn that's sat on his hip. He's laughing at whatever a 6 year old Sawyer is jabbering away to him about. She averts her eyes most abruptly. '...The kitchen looks nice. You were still having it decorated last time I came by-'

'Yeah. All for nothing though wasn't it?'

Lindsey swallows. '...I saw the for sale sign out front'

'It's not like you to take note of signs is it?' Peyton drawls. 'The ring on Lucas's finger didn't mean anything to you'

'It...' Lindsey shakes her head, searches for the lines she's rehearsed over and over in her head.

'I always knew you liked him, I never thought you'd try and-'

'I didn't plan it. God don't think I planned it. I just, it happened and I...I...I know it doesn't explain or condone anything but I'd just split up with my boyfriend and I, I wasn't exactly of a sound mind that night' She fidgets with her hands.

'Poor you. So you pounced on the nearest married man. How could I possibly hold that against you?'

'I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it. I, I'm not here for that. I just, I heard that you're, I heard you're getting a divorce and I, I need you to know it meant nothing. Nothing. You shouldn't split up over this! I mean nothing to him! Nothing at all. He was upset and I, I was a shoulder to cry on'

'Is that what you call it?-'

'Yes' Lindsey nods vigorously.

'Well I should be thanking you then shouldn't I? For consoling my husband so thoroughly-'

'Peyton he loves you'

'Please do not pretend to know anything about me and my marriage. I get it. You feel guilty. So you fucking should. What are you expecting me to say to you right now?'

'Nothing!'

'Nothing? So you've just come all this way to say your sorries, to make yourself feel better right? For yourself. Never mind what you rocking up here does to me' Lindsey's face crumples. She opens and closes her mouth. '...my children's lives have been torn apart. My world has been torn apart-'

'I know, I know. I'm so, so sorry for the mess I've caused. I am! I wish I could take it back. I'd take it back in a heartbeat...I, I can't imagine how you, you must feel right now and I, I just, I thought it would be best if I stayed away but when I heard you're, I wanted you to know that he, he...I was you, for him that night, I was you' Peyton's stomach clenches. 'He said your name' She suddenly feels queasy. '...not just the once...so you see, I, whilst I know what we did was wrong it, it wasn't like he wanted me, he didn't betray you in that way'

She stares at the girl before her and despite her raging anger and disgust she still feels a pang of compassion because Lindsey looks somewhat terrified. '...has he sent you here. To say that?' She suspiciously wonders.

Lindsey startles. 'What? No, no of course not! I swear. I just, I thought if it were me I, that it might bring me some sort of-'

'What? Comfort?' Peyton sniggers.

'Isn't it better than assuming he wanted me?'

'He wanted you! Maybe it was just for the fucking night but he did because what you're saying right now is insane!'

'Is it? He told me you two had been arguing-'

'Stop!' Peyton shrilly cuts off then. 'Whatever he's told you I don't want to know. My marriage is just that! Mine-'

'...of course it is. It's a marriage worth fighting for. You, you're right, I have always liked him but I never, I never tried it on with him. I swear I didn't. I've never wanted to be a home wrecker. I'm not that kind of girl Peyton' Peyton laughs then. Not in amusement. '...I was just as drunk as he was and I know that's not an excuse but I'd never have...If something was really going on with us don't you think he'd be with me right now instead of camping out at his Mother's?'

'I want you to go now'

Lindsey swallows. 'Right, yes. Ok. I just, there was one more thing' She rummages in her bag. '...I...I think you should have this. It, it's a working draft' She sets a wad of papers down on the counter top. '...It's not the new book. I don't think you know about it, it's sort of been a project he's had in the works for a good while. I've past it onto Glenda' Peyton's wide eyes convey her confusion. 'His new editor? I don't think he's keen to pursue it right now but it, it's beautiful and if, if it doesn't tell you how much he loves you...I really hope it does' She doesn't say anything more. Is slightly scared that one of the cooking utensils in the pot before the blonde might be lodged into her throat if she hangs around for a second longer.

Peyton doesn't hear her go. Her stare is transfixed on what she's left behind. Or more specifically the words that are looking up at her.

 _For Peyton...and all of our shooting stars._

She closes her eyes tight. Blindly retrieves the draft and shoves it angrily into the nearest cupboard out of sight and then she's reaching for the nearest object; a plate. Throws it across the room. It smashes satisfyingly against the wall.

'Mummy?' Sawyer and Roewyn have been drawn away from their game by the noise.

She spins around. Paints on a smile. 'I'm ok. I'm ok. Just dropped a plate' She rolls her eyes. 'Clumsy aren't I?' She murmurs rhetorically.

Roewyn buys her performance. Sawyer not so much.

'Who was just here?'

'No one. No one. I'm just gonna clear this up and then I'll, I'll come play with you two ok?'

'Kay' Roewyn scarpers.

'Mum?' Sawyer edges forward but Peyton's wavering hand stops her from venturing further into the room.

'I'm ok. I promise baby. Go on now, I don't want you to get a cut foot' She smiles and this time the eleven year old listens and only when she's out of sight does she let her tears escape. She can't help it. She's not allowed herself to dwell on the things that her mind is currently consumed with. She's made a conscious effort not to. But today she can't fight it.

•••

Her week hasn't become easier. It's continued in much the same way. Her thoughts are spiralling. She knows she needs to stop because otherwise she's going to completely fall apart and tonight isn't the night for that.

She's trying to get ready for Brooke's Summer launch party; An annual event that she'd usually attend with Lucas. An annual event that she usually looked forward to because it was essentially a party celebrating her best friend and mostly consisted of friends and family.

She's finding it hard to summon her usual feelings that surround said party though. She's trying to pick out a dress. Brooke had dropped by a selection of choices earlier; it was customary for her to wear a Clothes over Bros design. Something she didn't usually have any qualms about but everything is different this year. She's avoided figuring out her outfit for the most part of the day because said task involves looking at her reflection and she hates her reflection a little bit more with each passing day. Her fight with Lucas is still raw. It's opened old wounds. Lindsey's appearance has just aggravated said wounds and she's never felt more vulnerable. She's standing in a new set of underwear that she'd purchased in the hopes to make her feel better about herself but it's having the opposite effect because all she's thinking about is what she's lost. Her body wasn't enough. She's hated her body in so many instances but perhaps most now. Because she never thought she'd be here. She thought she'd be with Lucas for life. Thought her husbands hands would be the only pair to ever touch her body again. His eyes would be the only pair to see all of her. But she's alone now. Because she wasn't enough and every insecurity she's ever had about herself is heightened.

'Mummy?' Sawyer makes herself known.

Peyton startles and blinks furiously. Wipes at her face. 'I'll be down in a sec honey I'm just getting changed' Her voice wavers despite her grand effort.

'You're crying'

'No I'm ok' Her brow is raised unnaturally in an effort to maintain her composed, or not so composed expression.

'I heard you. I'm not stupid Mum'

Peyton swallows then. 'No. I know'

'What's wrong?'

'I'm just being silly. I'll be ok in a sec and will come down ok?'

Sawyer's eyes scan the bedroom. Notes the disarray of dresses on the bed. 'Is it Aunt Brooke's Summer launch tonight?'

'Yeah, Nana's coming round to look after you two remember?'

'Yes. Can't you decide what to wear?'

Peyton scrapes her hand through her hair and tries to look nonchalant because god she's endeavoured to make sure her children feel good about themselves and their bodies. She's made a consistent effort to make sure she only says good things about herself, has read how detrimental it is for them to hear her saying she looks horrible. And the thing was, it hadn't been that hard because despite her insecurities her husband had always helped to eradicate them. Generally speaking she did feel good about herself. That's not today though because today she doesn't believe he ever meant a word of anything he said to her.

'Your Aunt Brooke has given me so many options, I'm just a bit overwhelmed is all' She bats her hand. Sawyer walks further into the room and Peyton keeps babbling because she wants to be alone right now. 'Seriously baby, I'll be down in a sec, why don't you go check on your sister-'

'Roe is playing with Batman. She's fine' Sawyer is at the bed now, her hands exploring the expensive fabrics that blanket the bed. 'They're all real pretty huh?'

'Your Aunt Brooke is amazing isn't she?' Peyton agrees.

'But you don't like any?'

'I love them' Her voice squeaks unnaturally as her head swivels back and forth because her best friend's designs aren't the problem.

'Have you tried them all on?'

'Just these three' She mutters.

Sawyer's stare skips back up to her mother then. '...What's wrong Mum?'

'...I'm just having a day where I'm not feeling great. I'm being silly' she forces another one of those smiles that the eleven year old is yet to buy.

'You're beautiful Mum'

Peyton's nose stings because she doesn't like that her daughter's assumption is that she doesn't feel good in that sense and she's assuming that her efforts in positivity haven't been enough, her child sees the same pressures that she'd grown up seeing. Pressures of looking a certain way, being a certain way and that breaks her heart.

'I know' Peyton nods. 'I know'

Sawyer chews on the inside of her mouth for a moment. 'Why don't you try this one?' She's surveying the garments again and inspects a red dress. She pulls it out from the pile and Peyton clocks the post-it-note stuck to the front as her child does. 'The Fuck Me Dress! Wear it P. The others are just back ups so you can't accuse me of not giving you a choice' She reads out Brooke's familiar scrawl slowly. Peyton snatches the note out from under Sawyer's nose. She scrunches up the paper and tosses it behind her in a fluster. 'I don't get it, the first bit. What's she mean?'

'Your Aunt is trying to be funny. She's not' Peyton breathes out.

Sawyer pouts. 'Well Aunt Brooke wants you to wear it and I think you should too' Sawyer thrusts the item at her then.

'It's a little red baby'

'Uhuh. Surely you should wear what she wants you to if it's her season launch'

'...mmm. Has she employed you?'

Sawyer grins then. 'Nope but she says I'm business savvy. I dunno why'

'Cause you're smart' Peyton ruffles her hair. 'Ok' She resigns herself to trying on the dress in question. It's not her. It's a stand out from the crowd number. It's a look at me dress. It's a fuck me dress as her best friend had so kindly labelled it as. She steps into the garment.

'Will my legs be as long as yours Mum?' Sawyer slouches on the bed and watches her mother's long limbs shimmy into the form fitting dress.

'Probably' Peyton smiles at her. 'You ok with that?'

'Uhuh' Sawyer smiles as her mother's arms go into the arm holes.

'Help me?' Peyton turns her back to her and Sawyer scrambles to her knees on the bed and helps to zip up her mother's dress.

'Done'

'Thanks honey' She shifts in front of the mirror, her eyes widening as she regards herself.

'It's the one Mum!' Sawyer chants excitedly and jumps on the bed. 'You look like a film star'

Peyton flattens her hands down her waist and twists to the side to inspect herself from all angles, a slight smile on her face because her daughter's reaction is adorable and damn it Brooke Davis knows how to make a dress. Make a dress that fits her impeccably well. That flatters her in all the best places. And her little girl's jubilant expression is easing the despairing insecurities that have been bubbling inside her for days. 'You like it?'

'Uhuh! You have to wear it!'

'...ok'

'Ok?' Sawyer is clearly surprised that her opinion is counting on this.

'Ok. You've convinced me' She smiles as she watches her daughter hold one of the other dresses up to herself and spin around.

'Will Dad be there?'

'...Mmm I expect so' She knows so.

'He's not gonna stop looking at you' Sawyer announces wickedly. 'Is he picking you up when Nana comes?'

Peyton's eyes trail to the reflection of the rambling child in the mirror as she whirls around the room because whilst she hopes her daughter's assumption is most certainly true she doesn't want her to know that, nor to get the wrong idea about anything. 'No...honey' She turns away from the mirror. 'I'm not going with Dad, it's not-'

'I know it's not. But there's no harm in making him jealous Mum' She shrugs.

'God you've been hanging out with Brooke far too much'

Sawyer giggles then and shrugs. 'You're the most beautiful girl in the whole world and Dad is an idiot'

Peyton stops her daughter's twirling game then and holds her hand. 'Why thanks. Not quite true because you're the most beautiful girl' She smiles and walks back to perch on the bed. 'Sawyer whilst I love how much you've got my back, don't hate your Dad forever will you?' Sawyer sighs. 'I know I've said it to you before but what's gone on between us is between us ok?'

'But it's not Mum' She drops the blue dress in her hands to the floor. 'You're my Mum and he hurt you and I don't like that' She stomps her foot with emphasis.

'...I know. But he's still the best Daddy in the whole world baby and you need him and it would hurt me if I knew I was the reason you two didn't get on for the rest of your life. I don't want that'

'I'm just not there Mum' She sounds beyond her years then.

Peyton smiles. 'And that's fine, just try and work on the forgiving part. Daddy is trying real hard'

'He can't buy me with kittens and stuff' She scowls. 'I'm not a baby like Roe, I know when I'm being bribed'

Peyton smirks. 'No. I know, but he's trying jitterbug. He loves you so much...and I know you love him so much too...I also know you kinda like that kitten'

'...everybody loves kittens...' She looks into her mother's face then. 'And now it's got a stupid name'

Peyton laughs because she knows the elven year old stubbornly kept tight lipped when it came to the naming of the cat in question because doing so would be her showing an interest and she wasn't willing to do that in her father's presence. 'You're not a fan of Batman?' Sawyer gives her a look. 'Maybe we can come up with a nickname for him?'

'I guess...Can I do your hair for you?'

Peyton kinks her brow. 'Sure, why not. I'd like that'

•••

'Oh honey, look at you. You look amazing' Karen kisses her cheek and claps her hands together.

'Thanks, you know Brooke-'

'Is amazingly talented but you are just beautiful'

'Thanks Karen' She blushes and is about to coax her into the living room where she knows her seven year old daughter is watching a film but the entrance of Lucas has her startled.

Her eyes narrow because he's not meant to be here. Why is he here? And this isn't how she envisioned seeing him tonight and she's envisioned it. Just a few times. She's imagined him doing a double take. Stopping in his tracks. She's imagined bidding him hello and nothing more. Just walking away and leaving his mouth on the floor. She's imagined feeling nothing but satisfaction. It wasn't meant to be here in her Kitchen. Though he is gawping, that's for certain.

He hesitates. 'I thought it made sense me taking you if I'm dropping Mum off' He answers her surprised expression. He's not quite sure how he gets the words out because he's at a loss for words.

His squinting eyes trail down her shamelessly then. She knows that look. It makes her squeeze her legs together because he wants her. And god does she want him to want her. But she also hates that it's him that's abolishing the feelings she's been battling all day. Hates that it's his stare that makes her feel attractive and sexy. She doesn't want it to be him. So she silently thanks her best friend and her red dress instead.

She hopes her cheeks aren't as red as they feel. She makes a point of averting her eyes from his ogling form to regard Karen instead.

'I'm sorry honey' Karen sighs.

Peyton bats her hand dismissively because she can tell by her mother-in-law's weary expression that she's no doubt been bickering with the man before them in regards to him showing up here and she doesn't want the older woman involved in any of this and she's not about to make a scene with her children in earshot anyway. 'It's fine' She smiles. 'So Roe is in her pyjamas and we've just compromised on a bedtime' She raises her voice to get the seven year old in question's attention. Predictably she comes running in from the living room and appears in the doorway. 'So bed at 9.30 which is oh so late for such a little girl'

'Oh so late' Karen bobs her head and then grins at the eavesdropping child. 'Hey you'

'Hi Nana' Roewyn runs in and throws her arms around Karen's waist. 'You're looking after us' She rests her chin on the adult's stomach as she gazes up into her face.

'Yes I am. Aren't I lucky?'

'Uhuh. And we get to play loads of games cause I get to stay up late!'

'So late'

Roewyn catches sight of her father then. 'Daddy you're here too!'

'Hi Roe Boat' She catapults herself into his arms and he obliges by lifting her high into the air.

'Are you looking after me too?!' She wonders as she plays with his black tie. She suspects not because he's awfully dressed up.

'No, I just came to take your Mum to Aunt Brooke's fancy party'

Peyton can't disguise her scowl then and quickly spins away to go in search of her coat because she can only hold her tongue so much and she doesn't want to say something she'll regret later. Karen follows her out into the hall. 'Really honey I tried to make him just go straight there but-'

'I know, it's fine Karen. Honestly, I'm sorry you're in the middle of this'

'Nonsense, I just don't want you to think I'm-'

'I don't think you're anything but supportive. I promise' Peyton smiles at her.

'You really do look beautiful sweetheart'

'Thank you' She murmurs. 'Sawyer convinced me to wear it. She's been hanging around with Brooke too much it's a little scary the things she comes out with'

'Well I think it was a wonderful choice. Where is the little madam?'

'I'm here Nan. And I'm not a madam!' Sawyer jumps the last step of the staircase and hugs her Grandmother.

'Teasing' Karen kisses her head. 'Hi sweetheart'

'Doesn't Mummy look like a film star?'

'She most definitely does and I hear you helped pick it out'

'Uhuh. Brooke wrote a post-it-note-'

'So bedtime for this one is 10' Peyton hastily cuts off and catches her daughter's eye with a look that tells her to keep her mouth shut in regards to her Aunt's post it note and she grins because she likes having a secret. 'Right?'

'Yes Mum'

'No funny business'

'I'm not a baby'

'No, but you're awfully persuasive and you've got your Karate comp tomorrow afternoon, you don't want to be over tired'

'I know'

'Karate competition' Lucas has trailed out into the hallway, Roewyn perched on his shoulders now. She's holding Batman, the kitten resting atop Lucas's head. A little paw keeps swiping at the dirty blonde hair, much to the seven year old's delight.

'Uhuh I made a banner today, I'm gonna be her Macot' Roewyn feels the void.

'Mas-cot Roe' Sawyer rolls her eyes.

'Uhuh. That!'

'I didn't know you had a competition tomorrow?' His eyes trail between Peyton and his daughter as he tries to determine why he hasn't been told.

'You two should probably get going or you'll be late' Karen is the one to end her son's line of enquiry. She lifts her smallest granddaughter down off of Lucas's shoulders. 'Go on, get out of here so we can have some fun'

•••

'Is it her or you that doesn't want me at the competition?' He wonders. They've been driving in silence for the last five minutes. He's been waiting for her to be the one to break it but it's more than apparent she's not going to say a word without being pushed to.

'...you think I'd be that malicious that I'd put myself before our kids?' She questions.

She stares out the window.

'She told you not to tell me then?' She doesn't answer because she thinks that's abundantly clear at this point. He sighs. '...I know I have no right to ask you this but can't, can't you talk to her for me-'

'You don't think I've talked to her? I want her to have a relationship with you Lucas. She needs you and her needs are my biggest concern'

'Right, right I know that' His head bobs. '...I'm sorry I just, I don't know what to do'

She's silent for a moment. '...don't try so hard. She'll come round if you give her time, she's working through her feelings...and you can't buy her love with kittens, she's smarter than that'

'Mmm, that didn't go down as well as I thought it would' He glances at her. '...so the for sale sign is up'

'Yes. Can we not rehash that tonight-'

'I don't want to rehash it. We're selling. I get it. I accept it. I'm sorry I fort you on it'

She twists her face away from the window to look at him then. '...you've changed your tune'

'Yes'

'You're ok with it?'

'Well I won't go that far. But it's what you want so I'm on board and I promise I won't loose it again like I did at the beginning of the week. We're selling. End of'

'...that...thank you'

'I'm sorry I made it hard for you...I know it's not been an easy choice for you to make and I made it harder'

'...I appreciate that'

His stare flutters from the road to briefly look at her. 'So we're ok?'

She hesitates. '...did you send Lindsey round the other day?'

'What?' He's startled by her question, his eyes skittering away from the road again.

'I'll take that as a no' She mumbles.

'Of course not! She came by the house?'

'Yes'

'While the kids were there?'

'Yes'

'I can't believe she'd fucking do that! I told her to stay away! What did she say to you-'

'Nothing-'

'She came by and said nothing' He murmurs doubtfully.

Peyton sighs. 'She wanted to say sorry'

'She travelled all the way here to say sorry'

'It appears so...She was in a right bloody state...I actually wound up feeling bloody sorry for her. Aren't I the biggest fool?'

'...I'm sorry I, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have had to deal with that'

'...have you seen her?'

'What?'

'Are you seeing her?' She rephrases.

'What?'

'Are you two-'

'No! Why're you even saying that?!'

'Can you blame me for being unsure of anything?!'

'I told you it was one night. I told you- did she say otherwise? If she's implied to you that there was more going on than there-'

'No. She didn't'

'I swear to you Peyton. I've told you the complete truth. You seriously think that I' He's shaking his head. 'Nothing is going on. You've been worrying-'

'I'm not worried. We're getting a divorce, I would just rather know so I can...process it' She decides. 'And I, I'd rather know so I can prepare the girls-'

'Stop! One night. It was one night!'

He's pulling the car over because he can't drive and have this conversation 'We don't have to talk about this right now-'

'I think we do'

'We're gonna be late, I can't be late-'

'Let me make something crystal clear' He pulls the handbrake up, twists to face her completely. 'I mean, I thought I'd been completely transparent already but clearly not. I only want you. You're all I've ever wanted. Nothing is going on with Lindsey. I've not seen her in person since that night. I've not spoken to her since I told her she couldn't be my editor anymore. You just said she came to say sorry!- What about that implies that there's something going on between us? Don't you see how that makes zero sense?!'

She knows it makes no sense. '...I can't help it...every time I close my eyes I see you...with her' She whispers. He blinks because he's not been confronted with her like this. She's been so guarded for so long that her candor is suddenly unsettling. 'I start thinking it was going on for months right under my nose and I was completely oblivious-'

'You know I'd never do that to you. You know that's not me. I didn't even wait 24 hours. I came home and I told you the truth'

She nods curtly. 'I know. I do know that' She resolves.

'Everything you're saying suggests you don't know that'

'...I just don't...I, you did something I never, never thought you would. You've done a billion things I still can't get my head round. I, I don't even know who...it's like you're someone I don't even know and I don't want to be surprised again and I don't want the kids to be surprised if they have to deal with a potential new step-'

'No one is going to be their fucking step mum. You're their mother' He grasps her hand. 'Sweetheart' He shakes his head. 'I don't want anyone else. I never have'

Her bottom lip quivers. A tear races down her cheek. She silently scolds herself because she wasn't meant to be a crying mess in this red dress. She was meant to be stoic and sexy and this isn't that.

He reaches out and wipes the tear away. His hand stays on her cheek. Her tears make his heart ache but he's thankful all the same because he can work with her tears. Her anger is harder to navigate.

'We need to go' She mumbles.

'I want to talk about this'

'We just have' She pushes his hand away from her face then and he sighs. 'This night isn't about us and our shit. It's about Brooke'

'We're not late. You can't run away from this forever-'

'I'm not running away from anything-'

'No? It feels like you've been running away from me since we lost Finley-'

'Don't call him that-'

'Why?! We'd decided that was going to be his name right?-'

'I don't want to think...'

'What? Not giving him a name makes it seem like he didn't exist-'

'Exactly!'

'You want to pretend that our son didn't exist-'

'He didn't! He never made it to full term. He never took a breath. He never came into the world-'

'He was in your belly. He kicked. You felt him. He existed. And you loved him. You had so many dreams wrapped up in him-'

'I want to go now' She snaps.

'See! This is what I'm talking about! You shut me out!-'

'If you don't start driving I'm gonna walk'

He grits his teeth together. Nostrils flare. '...do you blame me?'

'What? Do I blame you for a baby dying from a condition that I had? Yes Lucas' she rolls her eyes. 'I blame you, that makes perfect sense!' She bleats sarcastically. 'Do not use him as an excuse as to why we've ended up here. He's got nothing-'

'He's got everything to do with this! Us trying to get pregnant has everything to do with this'

'I'm gonna walk' He swiftly reaches for the button on his door. A click sounds signalling he's locked all exits. 'Lucas'

'I'm driving' He appeases her and pulls away. The excruciating silence returns. He opens and closes his mouth a handful of times but the words don't come out. He doesn't speak again until he's parking at Clothes over Bros. '...not talking about any of it doesn't mean it didn't happen...why is it that you'll happily pretend our son didn't exist but you can't-'

'I'm happy? Are you forgetting it's of your professional opinion that I need medical attention because I'm oh so depressed'

'I was worried about you! I'm still worried-'

'Oh so worried' She snorts. 'Can you open the door please, if anyone needs a medical evaluation it's you!'

'Ok, well let's talk about that. Do you want to go to counselling together-'

'I want you to open the door'

'Just talk to me Peyt-'

'Thank you for driving me and assuming I'm incapable of doing anything myself as per usual' She's rambling nonsense now.

'I was being fucking thoughtful! His temper flares then.

'Thank you for being so thoughtful' Her tone suggests she's anything but. 'Open. The. Door' He knows not to test her any further. Reluctantly unlocks the door.

She doesn't say another word. Flees. Is sure to slam the door hard. He grits his teeth together. Watches after her. His brother and sister-in-law seem to have arrived too and she paints on that god awful smile as she greets them. He hates that smile. He slams his hand against the steering wheel. Inhales exaggeratedly. This evening wasn't panning out as he'd hoped. He'd hoped he'd be walking in with her. Hoped to give the illusion to all of his friends that they were working through this. More than anything he'd hoped he'd make things right with Peyton after their fallout earlier in the week and whilst she'd seemingly approved of his apology he'd only gone and made things all the more fraught. He licks his lips. Despite his frustration he wasn't about to cease his efforts; the night was just beginning after all.

 ** _A/N Thank you for reading! To those of you that have been here from the beginning, thank you for the reviews of this little fic- the support is muchly appreciated!_**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Just a warning, this chapter ventures into M rated.**

ELEVEN

'Hales' There's an uneasiness between them that she can't stand and Nathan's disappearance in search of some drinks has her addressing it. Her sister-in-law looks at her apprehensively. 'You're totally rocking a little baby bump' Haley swallows despite the blonde's smile. 'Please don't look so nervous.' She rests her hand on her friend's growing belly.

'...I'm so sorry that I've been so distant' Haley breathes out suddenly.

Peyton tilts her head to the side, tearing her stare from her friends barely noticeable bump. '...Likewise'

'I didn't know how to tell you'

'I know. You didn't need to be worried though. Surely you know how happy I am for you?'

'Of course I do'

'And I'm going to spoil my little niece or nephew like crazy'

'I know' Haley's eyes glaze over and Peyton hastily throws her arms around her then.

'Don't cry Hales. I love you. You can always talk to me'

'I love you too...sorry bloody hormones' Peyton smiles as she withdraws from their embrace. '...you say I can talk to you but you've not talked to me. Why didn't you tell me?' She doesn't need to specify as to what.

'...I don't know really. I had Brooke, I wanted him to have you and Nate and telling you made it real' Her shoulders shrug. 'I wanted to pretend it wasn't real for a good while'

'...I think you two could still come back from this'

'And I knew you'd lead with that' Peyton teases.

'Sorry. I just love you two'

'I know, he knows and we love you too'

'...Have you guys been getting on ok?'

Peyton shifts her weight. '...we were but that all went to shit this week' She confides.

'Did something happen?'

'Just house stuff and then Lindsey showed up and I dunno, it just...ignorance is bliss right?'

'She turned up?'

'I don't really wanna talk about it here'

Haley nods for a long minute. She's not been blind to the fact that Lucas has kept a safe distance from his wife since he entered '...so you don't think you guys could work through this?'

'Way to go at not talking about it Hales' Peyton regards her with an amused smirk.

'Sorry I just, I haven't seen you and I, I'm just still processing- you know? And I, it's just it's you two, you two, it's-'

'Us two?' Peyton supplies.

'Sorry I'm being horribly annoying aren't I?'

'You? Never'

'Don't be catty Peyton Scott. It doesn't suit you'

'It's become my favourite quality actually' She stands up a little taller.

'Liar'

'Am I that transparent?'

'To me. Yes. I see past the mask'

'I so want to be the catty bitch that doesn't give a shit'

'But that would make you not you'

'Right. I'd like to not be me right now. I'm at my best friend's party and I have to stand here and talk to our friends and paint on a smile that leaves a bad taste in my mouth'

'So fuck the smile' Peyton's brow shoots up at her friends uncharacteristic cussing. 'We're your friends. You don't need to hide from us'

'Not you. Just, everyone else. You know?'

'I know' Haley eyes her sympathetically because it's unavoidable. The married couple have been the talk of Tree Hill. Their circle of friends have struggled to get their heads around the developments regarding her brother and sister-in-law. She opens her mouth, searches for the right consoling words.

'...Oh god' Peyton has seemingly moved on from the topic at hand however. Her eyes have caught sight of someone and then her head is swivelling in search of her best friend.

'What is it?' Haley's gaze follows and tries to locate what has Peyton so distracted.

'Sorry Hales, I need to go yell at B'

•••

'What're you doing?'

'What?' Brooke issues her riled friend with a glass of champagne.

'You know very well what' Peyton puts the glass back down on the side.

'He's my guest. Can I do your lips? I've got a berry colour that's gonna look awesome-'

'Your guest? So this isn't...you're into him?' Peyton narrows her eyes suspiciously, a lilt of hope in her voice.

'What? No, I just met him'

'How did you even find him?! You just summoned his details out of thin air?!' She ducks her head most abruptly because the subject of their conversation has just glanced in their direction and she wants to finish this interrogation before she makes any hellos. Brooke rolls her eyes at her friend's antics.

'I ran into him'

Peyton stares at her hard before pouting. 'What're you doing B?'

'This isn't about me-'

'I want it to be about you' Peyton hisses. 'Make. It. About. You' She stamps her foot.

'Oh scary ass Peyton is on the scene tonight, I've not seen her in a while-'

'She'd like to bitch slap you right now'

'Calm down'

'I am calm'

Brooke laughs then. 'Really calm'

'I'm not on best terms with Luke right now without you-'

'You're not on good terms with Luke? That's hardly breaking news Peyton' She drawls. 'Look, it's no big deal. You're working with the guy, I thought it would be nice for him to get to know a few more people in Tree Hill and-' Peyton expels a loud, exasperated noise that successfully cuts Brooke off mid sentence. She dramatically retrieves the abandoned flute of champagne tilting it back before spinning away and marching off. 'We'll talk later then?' Brooke bites her lip to stop herself from smiling.

'That look you're wearing always scares me Brooke Davis' Haley confides as she slides up to the brunette not a second later. 'You shouldn't scare a pregnant girl'

'It's fine!' Brooke bats her hand dismissively. 'You shouldn't eavesdrop Hales'

'Wasn't'

'Sure you weren't'

'Well you guys don't tell me anything'

'Erm, hello' Brooke wavers to her friend's baby bump, wordlessly commenting on the expecting mother's secrecy regarding her pregnancy.

'That's different'

'Is it?'

'Yes! Brooke I've been here five minutes and from what I can gather you have Peyton dressed up in your most exquisite gown in a shade of colour that Lucas has coincidently been more than vocal about how much he likes her in but we all know she'd never choose that herself because it's a little look at me isn't it? And she's not a look at me kinda gal-'

'Are you saying you wish I'd given you a version of her dress?' Brooke cuts off Haley's rant.

'I love my dress'

'Good. You're the prettiest pregnant woman here'

'I'm the only pregnant woman here'

'You don't know that'

'Ok, I'm the only notably pregnant woman here'

'And oh so beautiful and barely noticeable I might add'

'Don't try and distract me with your complements. What's she in a stress about?'

'Julian. Julian Baker'

'The author' Haley connects the dots.

'So you know she's illustrating his book?'

'Karen filled me in the other day. Why's she stressing?'

'He might be here right now'

'And that's a problem because?'

'Exactly, it's not a problem. She's making a problem out of nothing'

'Well that depends...why wouldn't she want him here?'

'Because ultimately she cares about what Lucas thinks but you already know that Hales' Brooke sighs.

'Does Luke have a problem with them working together?'

'Contrary to what he thinks, men and women can work together without sleeping together'

'You and I both know he's not the possessive type'

'Nope but the prospect of loosing your precious wife can turn the most sane of people a little cuckoo'

'And you're trying to amplify that by playing match maker?' The brunette doesn't answer. 'Brooke' Haley frowns. 'She's still married'

'And he was married when he fucked his editor'

'I'm not defending what he did but he loves her, you know he does. If anything he needs our help not you trying to make this even messier'

'I don't know what you're implying Haley James Scott. I'm simply making new friends and if Peyton chooses to pursue such friendships too then good for her' Haley regards her friend dubiously. 'Anyway, maybe he bloody needs a taste of his own medicine, contrary to what you think I'm actually trying to help them both. She keeps saying it's over but you and me both know that's a load of bullshit' Brooke's voice becomes notably quieter.

'How is you turning him into a raging lunatic going to help? We both know it'll only piss her off'

'I'm not some villain with a master plan over here I'm just being there for my best friend. Maybe she needs to experience something new and then she'll be able to get past what he did'

'And what if she actually falls for someone new, what then?'

'Then their marriage clearly isn't what we all think it is' Brooke sighs.

'We?' Haley's brow arches because her friend's current disdain for Lucas Scott has been more than apparent.

'He's been a complete dickhead and I hate him right now but god I know she put a wall up long before this...I ran into Julian at a coffee shop this afternoon' Brooke confesses. 'I invited him because we got to chatting and he was talking about how he's decided to stay here for a bit because he found this rental down at the waterfront. He said it made sense what with needing to catch up with Peyton what with the book and everything. He said he doesn't know anyone in Tree Hill'

'So he doesn't like her, like, like her, like her?' She mumbles nonsensically.

'How could anyone not like her?'

'So he's hinted he likes her?'

'I just met him Hales. I've hardly had time to interrogate him'

'It's not like you to not blurt out whatever you're thinking'

'Well, give me till the end of the evening and I'll report back' She grins.

•••

'Alright big brother?'

'No'

'No beating about the bush? We're diving right in are we?' Nathan takes a necessary swig of his champagne. 'I thought we'd pretend everything is hunky dory for five minutes and act as though we know what we're looking at' His hand wavers around at the mannequins surrounding them.

'Brooke is seemingly intent on making my life impossible'

'Brooke?'

'Have you seen my wife tonight?'

'Yeah. Blondie's painting the town red'

'Mm' He rubs the back of his neck and Nathan looks at him bemusedly. 'You can stop with the fucking smile'

'Erm, no I really can't. Your face right now brings me such joy'

'Yeah? Well I'm gonna hit you in the face in a minute'

'Touchy, touchy'

'I'm gonna loose my mind'

'She looks hot' Lucas's hand blindly hits the back of his brother's head. 'Ow'

'Not helping'

'What do you want me to say? She looks awful?' he rubs his dark hair dramatically.

'No, I want you to tell me that every damn person in this room isn't gawping at her'

'I think you're the biggest offender there. You know everyone here Luke. You seriously think one of your friends is gonna hit on her right now?'

'We don't know everyone here. Do you know who she's talking to right now Nate?'

Nathan's eyes skitter away from the trays of canopies he's been eying up for the duration of their conversation thus far to seek out his sister-in-law instead. It doesn't take him long because as his brother openly fears she really does stand out from the crowd tonight. '...who is he?'

'Julian Baker'

'The author she's working with'

'Yes'

'And she asked him here? Tonight?'

'The only person who knows him in this room is her' He grinds out. Nathan's tilts his head to regard his brother then, his brow furrowing as he takes in Lucas's squinting eyes.

'...ok big brother. I know that look. Get your shit together. This is Brooke's launch party, and that' He nods in the direction of his sister-in-law. 'isn't necessarily what your runaway mind is deciding. She's working with him, they can be friends. Maybe she just thought he'd like to meet some more people if he's in a town with no one he knows. He's not from here right?'

'She's trying to get her own back. She is. I know exactly what she's doing-'

'Do you? Because right now I'd say you're letting your imagination go wild. You two have clearly already exchanged words tonight and it didn't go as you'd hoped...am I wrong?' Lucas sighs because despite the smiles he'd bestowed upon all of his friends apparently his brother couldn't be fooled.

'...I pissed her off at the start of the week because I acted like a child over us selling the house. Then bloody Lindsey rocked up and talked to her so that's no doubt riled her up and I just pissed her off on the way over here because I foolishly tried to talk to her about everything but as per usual she fled'

'...Have you tried actually giving her some space man?'

'Space? I'm not giving her fucking space Nathan. That's the last thing I'm giving her. She'll be in bed with him before I know it-'

'I give her a little more credit than to do that out of spite. You know her'

Lucas snorts. 'I don't think you realise quite how pissed she is at me right now'

'Oh no, I do. But I also know she loves you.'

•••

He's tried to follow his brother's advice. Tried to behave like an adult but it was hard because he was feeling a combination of too many conflicting feelings right now. Irritation that she'd ran away from him yet again. Frustration, frustration because they were going round in circles. Lust. That dress. The way the red silky fabric accentuated her svelte form. God he wanted to touch her. Sadness; she'd made his heartache because she'd let herself be vulnerable in front of him, albeit it had been a fleeting moment but the wall had come down and he hated himself all the more because she was hurting and because of him. Anger. Anger because he could feel everyones eyes skittering between him and his wife. Unsaid questions dancing in their eyes. He felt like this whole evening was just some form of sick entertainment for them all. Jealousy. He'd ended at jealousy. Couldn't escape the jealousy. Jealousy is when he lost his battle with being the grown up he was endeavouring to be, that and his fourth drink of the evening.

'A word' He doesn't wait for her response, his fingers interlinking firmly with her left hand.

'I'll be right back' She smiles tightly over her shoulder and hopes her eyes convey her apology as she's dragged away.

She nearly trips over her own feet as he pulls her into Brooke's office.

'Lucas' She yanks her hand back as he closes the door. 'Rough much? Jesus' She rubs her wrist dramatically. Her cheeks are prickling because he's just embarrassed her in front of Julian and a whole room of their friends. He's staring at her hard 'I thought I'd conveyed that I'm done arguing with you in the car'

'How can we finish anything when you run away!'

'You don't get to just manhandle me!'

'I need to talk to you'

She purses her lips together and flaps her hands impatiently. 'Well? What is oh so urgent?'

'I thought I could do this'

She widens her eyes exasperatedly because his mumbled words don't explain anything. 'Do what?'

'Watch you be...I can't. That's enough now' He expels.

'What?' She still doesn't follow.

'You want to make me jealous? Well, mission accomplished' Her brow raises and he becomes irritated. 'Don't give me that fucking look, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Why's he here?! Julian?'

'Brooke seemingly invited him and if you hadn't just rudely dragged me away I would've introduced you-'

'Brooke seemingly invited him' He nods. 'And it had nothing to do with you?'

'No-'

'The guy is into you'

She shakes her head. 'For god sake Lucas. We're working together-'

'You're working all right. You're working as hard as you can to make me loose my mind' His hand wavers. He knows he's being absurd but he's past the point of being levelheaded 'That little black dress the other week was one thing but this' He's shaking his head.

She doesn't say anything for a long moment, her stare fierce. She'd hoped he'd be ogling over her, he's definitely been gawping but he's not verbally complemented her and now she knows why; He's clearly irritated by her attire '...was there anything else? Because if not I'm going to get back-' She begins to side step round him but his hand ensnares her wrist.

'No you don't. We're not done. You're not going back out there looking like that!' He whines and if she wasn't so pissed off she'd have laughed.

'You were with me for half an hour before we got here and you didn't have any issues with how I'm dressed during that time' She hisses.

'Because you were with me! Now you're parading out there-'

'Parading!' She scoffs.

'You're not gonna spend the whole night flirting in front of me, I'm not just gonna stand back and-'

'Flirting?! I'm talking! Talking! This may be a great shock to you but you don't have a say in what I do anyway!'

'Yes! Yes I fucking do. You're my wife and you're just trying to piss me off-'

'Oh for god sake! You're such a self centred, sexist dick. This' she dramatically indicates to her dress. 'Is for me! I'm trying to feel good about myself because my soon to be EX husband cheated on me and maybe that's resulted in me not feeling quite so great about myself!' She angrily declares. 'Brooke gave me a bunch of dresses-'

'And you just had to choose that one didn't you! Hales is out there dressed in Clothes over Bros and she looks perfectly presentable!'

'What's that suppose to mean?!'

'You're asking for attention!' He pushes the shoulder of her dress down and touches the silky crimson strap of her bra that he's been catching glimpses of. She shrugs his hands away, her expression outraged as she pulls her dress back into place. 'You've bought new underwear. Is that for him?' He grinds out.

Her eyes widen. 'Not that it's any of your god damn business but me! It's for me too! Did you not listen to a word I just said?!' She goes to walk round him again only this time he pushes her back into the wall behind her, trapping her between himself and the hard surface. 'Lucas' She warns.

'I assured you that I'm not sleeping with Lindsey, I assured you that our children will never, never have a step mother. You owe me the same'

'I owe you nothing-'

'The hell you don't'

'So you're just going to hold me hostage in Brooke's office for the duration of our friends launch party? Real fucking mature. You're acting like a crazy person!'

'Because you're actually driving me insane!'

'I'm not doing anything but try and enjoy an evening celebrating my best friend! Which you're bloody ruining!' His jaw juts out.

'I don't want anyone else touching you' He looks almost feral as he stares at her. She swallows because his expression is one she's never encountered even after years of marriage and two children and she wants to be mad because god his words are hypocritical but his tone is having a different affect entirely. 'Why can't you just give me a chance to make this right?! I'm just asking for a chance! You were crying not an hour ago. Crying at the thought of me with another woman. Because you love me! Just give me a chance to show you that I'm still completely in love with you. We can work through this. I'll go to counselling with you-'

'Because you were so onboard with that when I demanded we go when I found out about the gambling-'

'I was an idiot! I'm going to meetings now! And I'll -'

'Because your Mum made you! Not because you want to! You're just feeding me what you think I want to hear and it's not real! Nothing is real!'

'It is real! I know I've broken your trust in so many ways but I was trying to make you happy! I got so caught up in-'

'We're not doing this here, tonight! We're not, this is Brooke's night-'

'Peyton-' He keeps her caged against the wall.

'You know it's insulting that your jealousy is seemingly only instigated by me wearing a fucking tight dress!' She hisses. 'That's all this is about! It takes me putting something like this on for you to decide you want me'

'Don't be ridiculous'

'I'm being ridiculous?! You're behaving like a teenager'

'Well maybe I wouldn't be if you'd...' He trails off. His brain has caught up with his runaway mouth and swiftly put a stop to the words daring to spout free.

'Oh no, do go on. If I'd what?'

'Nothing'

'If I'd put more effort into dressing up for you?'

'No. That's not-'

'I didn't realise you were so superficial'

'I didn't say that! Don't put words in my mouth' Her eyes have glazed over. 'You're beautiful. You always look amazing. You make anything look sexy but you, you can't deny that you're currently wearing something that you'd usually not be and I, I've not had you in forever-'

'Whose fault is that?!'

'It's not like I was fucking short of trying-'

'Is it really that absurd that I didn't want a double crossing bastard touching me?!'

'Our problems go beyond me gambling and Lindsey-'

'And end at me right?' Her voice wobbles. 'Fuck you'

'No. That's not...we've not had sex and it be about you and me for so long. I fucking miss you. Us. Let me prove to you that you can trust me!'

'I was doing that! And then you betrayed me even further by fucking her! God it was so stupid me thinking I could have a night for just me-'

'You can have a night for just you!-'

'Seemingly!' She spits sarcastically. 'We've been separated for nearly six months Lucas. My whole world has fallen apart and I'm sick of feeling like shit. I deserve to feel good-'

'I can make you feel good' He cuts her off.

'You've made me feel nothing but awful about myself! I've never felt this insecure! Maybe I'm wearing this because for a second our little girl looked at me like I was a film star and it made me feel good! I don't feel attractive in anything-'

'Don't say that. God you have to know how beautiful you are' She gasps because his fingers are suddenly between them and brazenly shift over her dress where they haven't been in months.

She grapples for his wrist. Her eyes wide because he's not eased his way there. His hands have been preoccupied with keeping her confined to the wall and now they're suddenly right _there_. 'What're you doing? Don't-'

'You're so tightly wound. Let me make you feel better'

What he's bluntly suggesting makes her cheeks burn. She's not sure how she's wound up here. She's confused because her body is suddenly on fire. Her body is instantly on board and craves his touch 'I can take care of myself just fine' her fingers tighten on his wrist.

'Sure you can'

'I can' Her voice wavers because despite her intervention he's stronger and her hold is doing little to stop his ministrations.

'Yeah? When did you last touch yourself sweetheart?'

'That's enough' Her eyes have narrowed and he can't stop the amusement that has his lips curling because she's adorable and she's blushing and he thinks it's ridiculous considering she's shared his bed more times than he can count.

'You've been touching yourself and thinking about me?' The mere idea makes him giddy despite suspecting there's little chance there's any truth in it. Her expression indicates not. 'You haven't' He ignores her death glare. 'Because as you've said a hundred times you just can't do it as well as me. Isn't that right?'

'Well maybe I've got better'

'Mm, you want me to give you another lesson?'

'No'

'Ok. We'll skip the lesson and you can just let your teacher do it for you'

'Lucas' She's finding it harder to contain how turned on she is. Not that she'd ever be able to disguise that from him. He knows her too well and her traitor body is easy to read. She's spent the most part of the day feeling undesirable and god to feel wanted is making her vulnerable.

'I'm so sorry I've made you feel bad about yourself. You're the most beautiful girl in the whole world. You know I mean that'

'I'm sure you said that to her too'

He steps impossibly closer. 'It meant nothing. She meant nothing'

She swallows because his breath is hitting her face now. '..That's enough'

'No. You don't get to keep running away from me' His free hand drifts over her cheek. 'I'm gonna take care of you for a minute' He hums.

'No'

'Yes' He nods determinedly. 'It's been too long since you had a release. I don't even know how you're functioning right now-'

'I'd be functioning just fine if you got off me-'

'You've been thinking about me seeing you in this all day haven't you?' She closes her eyes and sighs because she lost her willpower the second he backed her up against the wall. Her efforts to get away have been mediocre at best. 'I know you. Did you and Brooke have a little chat about the most tormenting thing you could wear?' Her lashes flutter open to scowl at him.

'Your daughter chose it actually' There's an element of truth.

He sniggers. 'So inappropriate'

'The only thing that's inappropriate is how you're behaving right n-now' She stutters over her last word because his fingers are no longer skimming over her dress but firmly caressing her.

'I disagree. There's nothing inappropriate with me touching my wife when she needs me'

'She doesn't need you'

'Oh? Why don't we see about that' The pressure of his hand is gone from where she wants him in favour of tugging her dress up her legs.

'Stop it' She doesn't want him to stop.

He leans into her when she makes a break for it, pressing her hard into the wall. 'Be a good girl hm?'

'Do you think I find it attractive when you talk to me like a five year old?'

'No. I think it pisses you off but god you're sexy when you're pissed off'

She gulps, his words knock her side ways. He's smirking and she's tempted to slap that look right off his face. '...so you go out of your way to try and piss me off? Is that it?'

'Of course not' He eases her dress up so slowly, knows if he moves too quickly she'll be more aware of his current agenda. 'Does that look you're wearing right now turn me on? Hell yes. You're not brave enough to bicker with anyone but me'

'You think we're bickering?' She rocks her head back and forth, her entertainment evident. 'And I'm the definition of brave with all the shit you've put me through actually-'

'Brave was the wrong word. You're not confrontational'

'I can stick up for myself'

'Oh I know you can but it takes a lot for you to really lose it'

'As you've demonstrated beautifully huh? Seemingly you're the only one that can make me lose it. It's not something you should be proud of though is it?'

'Oh I definitely take pride in making you _lose_ it baby' Her hands leave his wrists, springing to cover his fingers instead. She knows his game. Knows an inch further is gonna give him view of her underwear.

'Not what I meant. Stop'

He smiles sweetly. 'No'

'No?' Her brow kinks.

'No' He confirms. Despite her hands clutching at his he manages to ease the fabric up just a little further. His eyes skitter down. Groans loudly at his findings. He'd been wondering if the hidden lingerie would match her new bra. It does.

She drowns in the way he's looking at her. Had always been a sucker for that look on his face. It's desire. Desire for her that she's doubted for a long time. It's still there though and she's certain he can't fake that. She wonders if he looked at _her_ like this. It's that thought that has her speaking.

'That's enough, that's all you're getting' she grinds out and makes a bid for escape again.

His pelvis jerks forward to lock her against the hard surface behind her then and she gasps. 'Can you quit fighting with me for five freaking minutes'

'We're fighting? It feels more like you're trying to assault me' She thinks that'll rile him up.

'Assault' It doesn't. He almost laughs. His fingers blindly shift back between them and a noise sounds in the back of her throat as he cups his hand against her underwear, his thumb brushing tauntingly against the silky fabric that conceals her. She twists her head away from him because he's leaning in closer and if he kisses her right now she knows she's done for 'Mm. See how wet you are for me?' He drawls into her ear.

'Presumptuous no?' She's provoking him, she knows and yet his free hand gripping her chin and yanking her head to face him still startles her.

'Don't do that'

She revels at the distress in his eyes. 'Oh, I'm sorry. The idea of me getting wet for someone else upsets you?! But you're allowed to fuck someone else?!' She whimpers because he's just stroked her harder. 'Hypocrite'

'I know I'm a hypocrite. It's not the same though! I never wanted her. It's always been you-'

'Don't insult me with that bullshit'

'It's not bullshit' There's a billion things he wants to say but he stops himself from arguing with her. Instead he slows his fingers in a way that predictably has her hips rolling forward to seek out more pressure. 'I want you to stay away from Julian-'

'We're w-work-ing, to-togeth-er' She murmurs. Her legs have gone to jelly and her hands blindly grapple at his upper arms and god does he revel in her touch because she's not touched him, not willingly held onto him in forever, her hands have done nothing but try and push him away. It doesn't matter in the slightest that he knows she's unaware of what she's doing, he'll take what he can get.

'Uhuh. I'm not telling you not to work with him. Skype. Talk on the phone. You don't need to go for dinner and meet him for drinks, he doesn't need to be here right now' He knows he's being utterly ridiculous but he can't help it because his imagination has been running riot for the last hour.

'Harder'

'I mean it'

'So do I'

He obliges. Shifts his hand completely into her underwear then and she shudders under his touch.

'Promise me'

'I'm not pro-promsing you any-any-thing!'

'You want me to stop?' He threatens but she knows he won't. Doesn't bother responding. This is meant to be about pleasing her, not pissing her off. He won't jeopardise his chances. 'Please Peyt' Her lips are parted and he knows she's suddenly incapable of having this conversation. A conversation that he knows is pointless anyway. Instead he attempts to kiss her. She's lost to her body but she still manages to rock her head away to dodge his mouth.

His nostrils flare and he really is tempted to stop his hands movements then but he knows that won't go down well so he makes do with her neck instead.

He smirks because she's hummed her approval accidentally. 'Don't leave a mark' She gasps suddenly. Her hand is in his hair and yo-yo's between clawing at it and trying to push his head away. He doesn't listen to her demand. Can't because he's not had any resemblance of a promise pass her lips and he needs this Julian guy and the rest of the damn world to know she's taken. He sucks hard. She whimpers distinctively in a way he knows she's close. He slows his fingers because he's not ready for this to end yet. He knows when it ends she'll soon be pushing him away and escaping. He wants her clinging onto him for as long as possible. He wants to hear her breathe out his name, desperately wants to feel like she's still his 'Don't stop'

He draws his head from her neck and watches her intently. Her eyes closed, cheeks flushed. She bites her lip. A slight frown of frustration on her face. 'God I miss you like this, I miss doing this to you baby'

Her eyelashes flicker open. 'How about you stop stalling' she exhales.

He smiles. 'Let me enjoy having you to myself for a moment'

'You don't have me'

'No?' He does laugh at her then. It's a low chuckle because he's pretty sure he knows her body better than she does at this point. He knows exactly how to touch her. He emphasises that without saying a single word, his practiced fingers having her yelping. 'I have you Peyton Scott. You're mine' He guides her leg up around him and a second later she's falling. He smiles. Takes a moment to nuzzle his nose against hers. Kiss her open mouth whilst she's somewhere else. He doesn't linger though. Knows if he takes advantage of her euphoric state he'll soon be punished for doing so and he's so not ready to have her shoving him away. 'See, don't you feel better?' He husks as her breathing slowly evens out.

'No' She does though. She can't remember the last time she came so hard and she wants it all over again. Wants more. Wants him. He's repositioning her underwear and then his thumb draws a circle on her inner thigh like always and it takes a whole lot of effort to try and stay composed. Because that little signature touch has her wanting more. Has her wanting to cry because she doesn't want to lose this. He hoists her leg up higher and presses his lower half against her; both an attempt to keep her against the wall and relieve some of his discomfort.

'Liar'

'You're not fucking me'

'No. I know' He exhales heavily, lets his hand trail down her neck to rest over her beating heart. 'But god I wish I was. I want you so bloody much right now' He looks deep into her eyes. 'I want you all the time'

She swallows. '...You better not have left a mark'

He inspects the spot her finger is tracing over. Knows full well there will be a prominent splotch. 'You should have given me your mouth shouldn't you?' He hums.

'You're an ass'

'Yes'

'Let me go. Brooke will wonder where I am' He lets her right foot find purchase on the floor once more but keeps her penned in against the wall.

'Well she's going to keep wondering because I'm taking you home'

'Lucas-'

'I'm not arguing with you'

'You're a chauvinistic dick'

'Maybe but I'm either a chauvinistic dick that takes you home to our children or I'm a dick that shadows you and your fancy writer friend all night. Which would you rather?' He squeezes her backside, enticing a surprised murmur from her that has him smiling. 'Are you absolutely sure I can't fuck you?'

'100% positive'

He groans dramatically. '...Can't you feel how much I need you?'

'You're just gonna have to deal with that yourself'

'You're killing me. You know that?...you know he's just a more accomplished version of me right?'

She snorts then. 'He's nothing like you'

'Erm, writer, likes music, reads-'

'You're describing the majority of anyone's favourite pass times!' She enlightens him. 'He's happy. Not brooding and judging by his flashy car and properties, I think he's got a hold on his finances-'

'How do you know what his car and house looks like?' She rolls her eyes. 'Peyton-'

'Because Brooke is nosy obviously. A little thing called google, which you've apparently been using too'

'That better be why'

'I'm just working with him!' She exhales exasperatedly. 'Have I ever given you a reason to think that I find jealousy endearing?'

'You've never given me a reason to be jealous! I've realised I'm a really jealous person in the last couple of weeks'

'Yeah? Well you're gonna need to work on that because I'm not going home. I'm going back out there and you're gonna stay away from me otherwise I promise you I'll get security to escort you out'

'You wouldn't-'

'I would'

'Peyton-'

'You think Brooke needs any persuasion? One word from me and she'll get you removed. Now let me go'

His nostrils flare. '...in a minute' He licks his lips. '...you had that doctors appointment the other day. You ignored my texts, have you gone on the pill?' He doesn't get his answer because the door opening startles them both. His hand reluctantly retracts from her backside. 'Can you give us a minute Brooke' He sighs.

'We don't need a minute' Peyton murmurs, her cheeks flushed red as humiliation sweeps over her. She takes advantage of her sudden freedom and readjusts her dress before pushing past him, avoiding her best friend's surprised expression as she slides round her to escape.

He hangs back, awkwardly facing the wall as he's left alone with the brunette.

'I just need to get something from _my_ desk' Brooke's distinctive voice sounds as she goes about quickly getting the price list she'd come in here for.

'...you don't have to work so hard at torturing me you know'

She laughs. 'I think you do that enough for yourself honey' She rolls the wad of papers in her hand and whacks him on the back as she passes.

'Ow- she's still married to me'

'Oh I know' Brooke hums. 'It's you that seems to forget that'

'I know you have something to do with why Julian is here'

'The guy is in a town where he knows no one. It's not like you not to be hospitable Lucas Scott. Any normal person would be endeavouring to show their support by being most courteous in the presence of their wife's work colleague. Grow up' His nostrils flare. '...You can thank me later for the dress'

'I could bloody murder you for the dress'

'Don't pretend you don't like it. Your little predicament indicates otherwise'

'Yeah well you can play all the games you bloody like. I just made a point of ensuring she understands that she's still my wife'

'Yeah? Or just turned her on and sent her off to hang out with the guy you're seemingly oh so intimidated of' Brooke suggests before vacating.

He presses his forehead into the wall and exhales heavily. Counts to ten. For a fleeting moment he'd felt as though he had a shred of control but that had been successfully obliterated in the last sixty seconds. Her outspoken words linger tormentingly. 'I'm not intimidated'


	12. Chapter 12

A/N **Sorry there's been a bit of a wait on this! Thank you for the support/reviews- they're much appreciated! On a side note, any** **italics** **indicate flashbacks.**

TWELVE

'What's on your neck Mummy?'

Peyton's hand flutters to what she knows has caught her daughter's attention. To what she'd seemingly spent a wasted amount of effort in trying to cover. She can feel a predictable heat rising in her cheeks as she rearranges her hair over the spot. 'Oh nothing, I burnt it with my hair straighteners this morning' Her causal answer placates the seven year old. A watching Brooke isn't so easily fooled.

'Your hair is oh so straight today P' She tugs on an extra curly lock and watches the blonde hair spring back.

Peyton narrows her eyes at her best friend. 'Not now'

'Hey Roe, I heard you've got to dress up as a superhero for school next week. I might have made you a present. Go look in the bag in the hall' She wriggles her eyebrows.

'Yay!' Roewyn hugs her godmother excitedly and then quickly runs away in search of said gift.

Brooke laughs. 'Try it on and then come show us!' She hollers after the child, but her eyes are back on Peyton as she sits herself on the kitchen island that her best friend is currently preparing packed lunches on. 'Well?'

'Not now-'

'I got rid of Roe-'

'So?'

'So I know exactly who gave you that darling hickey that you're sporting' She crosses her arms.

'So we don't need to have a conversation about it do we?' Peyton hums, aggressively spreading butter over the slices of bread before her. 'I didn't want to go to the bleeding thing in the first place'

'Thanks for the support honey'

Her eyes skitter up to the watching brunette. 'That's not, I'm not. I'm sorry' She babbles. 'I just mean I-'

'I know what you meant' Brooke smiles softly. 'You didn't want to spend the evening with your estranged husband'

'Right'

'You weren't compelled to disappear with him to my office though' Brooke points out.

'I thought we weren't talking about this'

'We weren't? We definitely are'

'I already told you what happened. I don't want to talk about it' she grumbles.

'Well I do. I know you're a pro at bottling shit up but that's not gonna help-'

'You sound like _him_ ' She expels. 'Has he suddenly got you colluding with him?'

Brooke snorts. 'That'll be the day! He thinks I'm working as hard as I can to make things difficult-'

'Aren't you? What?' She shrugs at the brunette's expression. 'Is it any wonder he acted like a deranged lunatic? You dress me up-'

'Uh uh. I gave you many options. You chose that one'

'Oh please, that thing fit me like a glove. You purposefully made sure to give me a bunch of other dresses that you knew wouldn't fit me right'

Brooke smiles sheepishly because her friend isn't altogether wrong. 'You looked bloody hot!' She exclaims defensively. 'It wasn't that outrageous. Jesus, anyone would think I had you strutting around in your underwear. It was a red dress that I hoped would help you feel better about yourself. Didn't it do that? I thought it'd make you feel good. I didn't actually mean you should fuck him-'

'I didn't!'

'You wanna put the knife down? You look a little psychotic right now'

Peyton blinks before abandoning said knife on the bread board. She scrapes her hand through her hair. '...Sawyer found your delightful little note by the way'

'That wasn't meant for little eyes'

'No' Peyton sighs. She knows that. She resumes making the sandwiches before her. Brooke watches her for a long minute.

'...have you changed your mind?' She wonders.

'What?'

'About ending it?'

Peyton frowns. 'It's already ended'

'From where I'm sat, not so much' Brooke disagrees gently.

'I don't need reprimanding ok?! I'm not a child'

'I'm not reprimanding you! Clearly your head is all over the shot though. Do you really not want to talk about it? It's ok to change your mind-'

'Nothing has changed' Peyton snaps. 'He dragged me away and cornered me. He was a dick but then he was touching me and I, it's been so long. I miss it ok?!' She babbles. 'I miss him and I know you think it's simple, I know you think I should just go hook up with anyone but that's not me! We're not in High School- I don't know how to do that and I don't want to!'

'Oh honey I know it's not simple. I'm not stood here judging you'

'I just...like being wanted by him and I know that's wrong!-'

'It's not wrong. Why would that be wrong? Of course you like being wanted by him. He's your husband'

'It's his feelings for me that are questionable, mine have never been the problem' Brooke opens her mouth but she can't get a word in. 'I gave everything to him, everything and it's not fair that he, he gets to fuck someone else and yet I'm still his. Me hating him doesn't change that I love him! It doesn't change that I'm his but he sure as hell isn't mine!'

'...he is still yours-'

'No. He isn't'

'No? The ring still on his wedding finger suggests otherwise' Brooke softly argues. 'I just think perhaps, if you're still serious about the divorce you should try your hardest not to give him false hope. He's dead set on you two working this out. I'm only thinking about you making this more difficult on yourself and him' Despite her stand offishness with Lucas, she'd actually come away from last night feeling sorry for him, not that she's about to convey that to her best friend.

'... I know I'm an idiot'

'You're not an idiot'

'He was so jealous and it, it felt nice and, and...' She trails off and then her sad expression hardens. 'And it's your fault!' She decides abruptly. Her yo-yo-ing mood is making them both a little dizzy. The sandwiches are forgotten yet again as she gives Brooke her full attention. 'You've always known exactly how to push his buttons. You knew Julian being there would turn him into a raging fool'

'I'll fess up to the dress, that was on me' Brooke nods. 'But Julian? It wasn't actually to do with you, I bumped into him when I was grabbing a coffee at lunch and-'

'Sure you did'

'I actually did! And obviously I recognised him from our googling session and we got talking and he was saying how he didn't know anyone and well-'

'And you thought perfect I'll ask him to the launch party and make things difficult for Peyton!'

'Yes that's exactly what I thought' Brooke murmurs sarcastically and blindly steals a carrot stick. Peyton hits her hand lightly.

'Don't steal their lunch'

'I'm hungry' She munches noisily. 'Some of us can't survive on just coffee alone She daringly adds, earning her a glare.

'You want some cereal? or I could make you some eggs or something?'

Brooke laughs then. 'I love how you go from being pissed at me to being all Mumma Scott' Peyton rolls her eyes and returns to the task she's been trying to complete for the last twenty minutes. '...at risk of getting my head bitten off you do know that Julian is actually into you right?'

Peyton's stare swivels back up to Brooke briefly. 'He's not. Stop it'

'You're utterly clueless' Brooke declares, her hand darting out to capture another piece of carrot, earning her another glower.

'Brooke!'

'Last one, I promise. Just the way he was looking at you it was blatantly obvious but he was asking about you and Luke'

'Asking what?'

'What the situation is'

'And what did you say?'

'What you keep saying to me. That it's over. Albeit I didn't know that your husband was fingering you in my office at the time' She drawls with a little playful glare.

Peyton's cheeks flush. 'Can you keep your voice down'

'They're not in here. As if they can hear and as if they know what that means' Brooke flaps her hand dismissively.

'You know Sawyer's a fan of googling anything she doesn't bloody understand'

'And I'm sure you have parental safety switched on' Brooke quips. 'Julian barely left your side all night'

'He didn't know anyone there'

'When have I ever been wrong about this kind of stuff?'

Peyton stares at her for a long moment and then her hands are delving into her hair. '...he can't like me'

'Poor you' Brooke doesn't sympathise with her apparent distress. 'To be wanted by so many men really is such an ordeal'

'I'm working with him B!'

'You still can! Why're you freaking? I really don't even get why you're so shocked right now'

'Why would he like me?!'

'What's there not to like?!'

'I don't want things to be awkward'

'Nothing is going to be awkward. You can be friends and if it leads somewhere' Brooke shrugs 'Well, that's ok too'

'It's not leading anywhere' Peyton mutters. 'You're so ridiculous'

'What's so ridiculous? You're supposedly separated from your husband. I know you're feeling the most insecure about yourself that you ever have and I wish I could take that away. I know you're thinking you can't be happy again. But you can, you've just gotta start with baby steps'

'...Luke would go mad'

'Probably' Brooke nods. 'But I'm just thinking about you finding out what it is that you actually want because I'm not sure you really know'

'...I wish I could just stop loving him. This would be so much easier'

'I don't think divorces are known for being easy honey. Maybe this is what you need. Maybe Julian has come along for exactly the right reason. You keep saying it's finished with Luke but it's really not is it? Maybe you need to open your heart to the idea of moving on and then you'll really know if it's the end for real. You know?'

'...you think I should forgive him'

'That's not what I just said'

'Isn't it? You just said I need to date other people to know if I can let go. That's what you meant'

Brooke shrugs. 'I guess' Tries to look nonchalant.

'And you don't think I can let go'

'Did I say that?'

'You act like you're on my side but I know exactly what you're doing'

'Ok, are you on something?!'

'It's not funny!'

'No it's not. As if I'm on anyone's side but yours'

'Really? Don't you know I know you?!'

'I know you know me' Brooke nods. 'Better than anyone'

'So you know I know exactly what you're doing'

'And what is it that I'm doing P?'

'You think just what he does. You think this is all my fault-'

'Ok. No' Brooke sternly cuts off. 'I don't'

'You think I pushed him to do this. You think if I sleep with someone else I'll be able to forgive him because it'll be like we've both cheated'

Brooke says nothing for a long moment. 'I don't think this is your fault at all. Don't think that. I do think you could benefit from talking to a counsellor. I do think that you were pushing him away long before what he did. Not that that makes it ok..' She's saying things she hasn't. She's kept her true thoughts to herself. Has listened to the blonde. Dutifully hated her unfaithful friend.

'Super Roe to the rescue!' Roewyn's energetic entrance conveniently interrupts their conversation.

Peyton's face instantly morphs into a wide smile as she takes in her daughter's appearance. Her legs are clad in black leggings. A purple leotard with a beautifully embroidered gold R at her chest. A dark purple cape floats behind her as she twirls and karate chops at the air 'Oh my god you're so cute'

'Super heroes aren't cute Mummy' Roewyn puts her fists onto her hips.

'Right, no. No of course not you're...super!'

'I'm badass'

'Roewyn!' Peyton exclaims. 'You can't say that!'

'I heard Daddy say it to Uncle Nate about, er about, I don't remember what'

'Well Daddy shouldn't say that. You can't say that'

'Fine. I'm just super'

'It's beautiful B. God it's so beautiful. You must've spent ages making it. Let me give you some money-'

'Oh my god. No. I enjoyed doing it. Anything for my little superhero. And anything for my girl' She takes Peyton's hand. 'Are you mad at me?' Peyton's stare remains on her youngest daughter as she races around the kitchen island, karate chopping at the air.

'...no...you'll be pleased to know I booked to see a counsellor this week' Brooke tries to disguise her surprise at her friend's confession.

'You did?'

'Mm. And I appreciate that that's the first time you've suggested unlike _other_ people that have been on my case'

'You're an actual superhero P'

'Stop' Peyton shakes her head.

'You are. And I _am_ on your side. Hoes over bros remember?'

A wane smile touches her lips. She nods. 'Hoes over bros'

•••

'Thanks' he accepts the coffee being extended to him. Karen lowers onto the porch step beside him. They sit in silence for a moment. Both sipping their warm drinks simultaneously.

'...You want to talk about it?' Karen eventually murmurs.

'Not particularly but I doubt that's going to stop you giving me the Spanish inquisition'

'Parents rights' Karen smiles. 'So your night didn't pan out as you'd hoped?' She pries after a beat.

'I don't need a told you so thanks' He mutters.

'I'm not about to give you one'

'Sure you're not. You made it more than apparent what you thought last night'

'Me thinking it wasn't a good idea you turning up at the house isn't because I'm not rooting for you two to work through this' Karen tilts her head to fully regard him. 'You two working this out is all I want. You know that Luke'

'Do I?'

She sighs. 'Of course that's what I want honey. I don't understand many a thing you've said and done over the last year but you're my son. You could do the unthinkable and I'd not be going anywhere...that's not to say I'm not struggling to understand how you keep making decisions that surely you know are going to put her back up-'

'I'm fighting for her. What doesn't everyone get about that?'

'You can still fight for someone without being their shadow. I'm not claiming to know how you should go about this but honey she's hurting'

'...I know'

'Giving her space isn't you giving up on the two of you. It's about earning her trust and being there for her in ways that you've failed her' He frowns. '...what happened?'

'...nothing'

'Have you forgotten I'm your mother?...Brooke dropped her home and gave me a lift back and you were already here. You were insistent on taking her so I can only assume something happened for you not to have dropped her off home'

'Maybe I listened to you'

'That'd be a first...you two have a big row?'

'...I just tried to talk to her' He admits. '...I know I've done a lot of awful things but I'm trying to make it right. She just wants to continue acting like Finley never existed'

'...trust me, there's not a moment that goes by that your son isn't at the forefront of her mind, of every life you two have lost'

'...everything went to shit the second she stopped talking to me. She's always leant on me! I don't understand what I did that suddenly made me not good enough'

'Grief is a hard thing to navigate sweetie. No two people deal with it in the same way. It's got nothing to do with you not being good enough'

He exhales heavily. '...Julian was there'

'The author she's illustrating for?'

'Uhuh'

'Well that's good no? You wanted to meet him'

'I didn't meet him' He admits. '...I behaved like a jealous idiot in front of him though'

'...oh Luke' Karen hums, her hand resting on her son's back.

'I can't handle her moving on and being with someone else. It'll kill me and I just, I started convincing myself that she...'

'She's not doing that'

'No? The divorce papers sat in my room suggest she wants to move on'

Karen tilts her head. '...she's not got a lawyer yet has she?'

'Not that I'm aware of. It's not like we've got the money for it but I know Brooke would pay in a heart beat'

'And you know Peyton won't be keen on accepting money from anyone'

He does know that. 'So you, you actually think I'm, I'm right, in not signing?' He's unsure as to what his mother is actually thinking because her disappointment in him has been more than overwhelming.

'...I think her decision to push for a divorce is understandable...but I also know that she's dealing with a lot of anger right now. Anger only lasts so long. I'm hopeful that you two can come back from this. All I want is for you to be happy honey. I know she's the answer to that and I know the girls would benefit from you two working this out...She needs time, she doesn't need you behaving like a jealous loon. Tell her you're sorry for whatever you said last night. Tell her you're going to give her space and mean it Luke. You need to just concentrate on Sawyer and Roe right now. Show her you're still the man she married. Be dependable. That's what she needs. You should be concentrating on mending your relationship with Sawyer. You need to put your energy into being the best father you can be'

'You think I'm being a shit father'

'That's not what I just said. I just think you're wrong in thinking getting your relationship back on track with Peyton is what's going to fix your relationship with Sawyer' Karen hums knowingly. 'I also see the way Peyton looks at you when you're with the girls'

He blinks. Sighs. He does know. He's not seen her look at him like that in a long while though.

'Show her you're still that man Luke, she's still in love with him...'

•••

 _'Luke?'_

 _He looks over his book at her. She's extending an injection toward him and he shifts his book onto the bed._

 _'I hate doing this' He confesses._

 _'I'm not a huge fan myself'_

 _'I feel like I hurt you every time'_

 _'You don't'_

 _'Liar' He looks up at her over the rim of his glasses._

 _'It hurts more when you take your sweet time' She smiles. 'I just need to get over it and do it myself' She's done it a couple of times but she finds it easier not to be the one controlling the sharp object going in to her skin._

 _'No. I don't want you doing it alone' He watches as she pulls up his basket ball tee that she's donning, wipes a cotton ball over a spot on her mid-drift. There's a scattering of bruises that his finger tips are gently running over. Marks that he's made. 'Look what I've done to you'_

 _'Don't be ridiculous. You're acting like you've been hitting me around'_

 _'It looks like I have been' He grumbles. 'Do these hurt?'_

 _'No'_

 _He kisses them and she runs her hand through his hair. 'You're stalling Mr' He smiles against her skin and withdraws. 'Here' She instructs and pinches her skin between her fingers helpfully for him, her other hand rests on his shoulder and he squints as he goes about the ritual that's consumed their lives lately. Her fingers dig into him in anticipation and he tries to do as she said. Tries not to take his sweet time._

 _'There. Done' He pushes the safety catch up on the used shot and places it on the bedside table before pulling her down onto the bed. She squeals. 'Ok?'_

 _'Uhuh'_

 _'Was it better that time?'_

 _'Perfect' He narrows his eyes at her suspiciously. 'It was. I didn't feel anything honey'_

 _'I love you'_

 _'You better Mr Scott. I don't let anyone stab me with needles, as sexy as it is' She widens her eyes and he laughs at her._

 _'So sexy'_

 _'Uhuh. As is this' She wavers to the scattering of bruising._

 _'You're always sexy Peyton Scott'_

 _'Battered look does it for you huh?'_

 _'You do it for me sweetheart' He kisses her. His glasses bumping against her nose remind him that he's still wearing them 'I wish it was me that had to do it' he hums as he removes said glasses and props them on her bedside table._

 _She strokes his cheek. 'You're not the broken one-'_

 _'You're not broken' He sternly cuts her off because he doesn't like her saying that. She keeps saying that. 'We've got two beautiful girls Peyton. You carried them. You had them against all the odds because you're amazing'_

 _'I was figuring we were gonna have sex, you don't have to work so hard'_

 _He rolls his eyes. 'You need to learn to take a fucking compliment'_

 _She shakes her head, a small smile on her lips. She fiddles with the material of his t-shirt. '...you need to work on not cussing. Sawyer said bloody the other day. I'm surprised she's not thrown fuck at us yet' She hits him lightly because he's blatantly entertained by the idea. 'Not funny'_

 _'It kinda is'_

 _'You want your kids speaking like that?'_

 _'No. Of course not but at the same time it's funny when they say inappropriate stuff. I dunno why but it is'_

 _'You're such a child'_

 _'Mm but you love me' He nuzzles his nose against hers. 'How are you feeling?'_

 _'Ok'_

 _'Yeah?'_

 _'Don't worry, I've not reached the psycho stage yet'_

 _'You're not a psycho'_

 _'Liar. I definitely was a little bit last time'_

 _'You behaved completely as the Doctor told us to expect'_

 _'I'm still sorry. I hope I'm not as bad as before for you'_

 _'You weren't bad'_

 _'I told you you're a bad Dad' She frowns._

 _He smiles. 'Uhuh, that whole rant was actually nothing but funny'_

 _'I said horrible things'_

 _'And I knew you didn't mean a word of it, forget about it, I found it entertaining'_

 _'You didn't seem amused at the time-'_

 _'I think openly laughing at you would have been a bad shout at the time'_

 _'True._ _You're the best Dad'_

 _'Yeah? What about husband?'_

 _'I don't even have words. How do you always know how to handle me even when I'm a bitch?'_

 _'Hey, don't call my wife a bitch thank you very much. She's sort of amazing, not that she believes it'_

 _'When I see you with them..' She strokes his cheek._

 _'You wanna jump my bones?' He suggests mischievously._

 _She rolls her eyes. 'I wonder what I ever did to deserve you...but yes. That too. I could never do this without you'_

 _'You don't have to'_

 _'Don't die before me'_

 _He snorts. 'I'll try my best'_

 _'I'm serious. You don't get to go without me'_

 _'I'm not going anywhere. I think the drugs are kicking in crazy girl'_

 _'I'm serious Luke. They need you so much-'_

 _'They need you. I need you. In more than a few ways. Especially right now'_

 _'Oh? How do you need me right now?'_ _He directs her hand to his boxers. 'How're you hard right now?' She shakes her head and smiles._

 _'Erm I have you beneath me. All I have to do is look at you' He hums at the feeling her dainty fingers teasingly moving over his tented underwear._

 _'Liar you'd never get anything done if that were the case'_

 _'It kinda is sometimes actually! That last chapter of my book should've taken half the amount of time'_

 _'You shouldn't take over my studio then should you' She arches because the hand that keeps coasting over her right breast suddenly becomes firmer._

 _'What's yours is mine' He hums._

 _'Uh, uh. My studio is mine Lucas Scott'_

 _'But you're mine. So if it's yours it's essentially mine too'_

 _'Nope'_

 _'No?!' He pinches her side and she shrieks and giggles._

 _'Don't!'_

 _'You're the mother of my children'_

 _'And that gives you ownership over me?!'_

 _'Yes. No, I'd still have ownership even if we didn't have them' His eyes widen cheekily as he eagerly anticipates her telling him off._

 _'Oh you're walking a thin line'_

 _'I am?'_

 _'Uhuh jackass' She's smiling._

 _'Are you telling me you regret marrying me?'_

 _Her feigned outrage gone. 'No..I was yours the second you kissed me for the first time...but you were mine back right?'_

 _'Uhuh'_

 _'...would've you still wanted me if we'd not had the girls?'_

 _His teasing and jest is gone in all of a second. 'What?' She looks down, her hand stops with it's ministrations. '_ _I'd still be with you if we had no children Peyton. If you hadn't wanted kids I would've still wanted this life with you' He emphasises._

 _'You always wanted children'_

 _'Yes. But I want you more'_

 _She frowns. 'Don't say that'_

 _'Why? Me saying that doesn't mean I don't bloody love those two little girls down the hall. It doesn't. They're everything. You know that. But I'm nothing without you...I know you desperately want this and we'll have another.'_

 _'There's a good chance this won't work, you know that-'_

 _'Then we'll try again and if we can't do it this way we'll do it another way. We'll adopt, I've always been drawn to that option_ _but us having another in anyway, it's not something I need'_

 _Her nostrils flare. '...I don't like it when you say that. It, it's like we're doing this because of me and, and having a child should be a joint decision-'_

 _'It is. God it is. I want this. I want this as much as you but you're everything I need'_

 _'I'm a spoilt brat aren't I? If, if it were up to you we'd not be doing this, you're content, you're grateful for the two we have and-'_

 _'So are you. Sweetheart, I only don't like you going through all this. If getting pregnant was a walk in the park for us I'd be wanting to knock you up as many times as I could. I can't bear you hurting and having to go through all this. That's all'_ _He nuzzles her nose. 'You're so much stronger than me'_

 _'No I'm not'_

 _'You really are and I have to keep reminding myself of that' He strokes her hair back from her face. 'Please don't think I don't want this as much as you'_

 _'You promise you do?'_

 _'I promise' His lips graze hers and her hands link around his neck. She gasps as he lets his weight completely rest against her, her legs cradling him._ _'You sure you're not too tired?' He mumbles against her mouth._

 _'What would you say if I said yes right now?' She wickedly wonders._

 _'I'd go have a cold shower wouldn't I'_

 _'No cold showers'_

 _'No?'_

 _'No' She kisses him then._

 _A familiar noise sounds from her when his lips start to make a path down her neck. A noise that has him smirking against her creamy skin._

 _'Don't think about it' She utters._

 _'What?'_

 _'I know what you're about to do. Don't'_

 _'I'm not doing anything'_

 _'Of course you're not._ _You know for someone that doesn't like me covered in bruises you sure like giving me hickeys' She calls him out. Knows that's exactly where he was headed. 'Aren't you a little old to be getting a kick out of that?' She mutters._

 _He leaves a sweet kiss to the junction where her neck meets her shoulder. 'I'm a child remember. You going red when someone teases you tomorrow will be adorable'_

 _'So humiliating me turns you on'_

 _He laughs. '...I wouldn't call it that'_

 _'What would you call it?'_

 _'Marking what's mine turns me on'_

 _'You are a child'_

 _'The thing is you like it. And see this...' His hand shifts between them to seek out her underwear. She whimpers when his fingers curl against the fabric. 'is how I know. Just talking about it turns you on'_

 _'Fuck...' She curses._

 _'What were you just saying about not swearing as much?'_

 _She glares at him briefly. '...just do it where no one can see' She gasps._ _He smirks because that's the closest thing to an admission he's going to get._

 _'Ok'_

His eyes linger on the mark on her neck. He can't deny the satisfaction that ripples through him at the speckled marking despite knowing it inevitably pissed her off.

'Hey'

'Hey' She nods distractedly. She heard him enter. He's not surprised by her avoidance of looking at him.

'Where're the girls?'

'Outside on the trampoline'

'Right'

'Although Roe will probably be in here in a minute, she's asked me a billion times when you'd be here to get her' She does look up then.

'At least someone still loves me. How was Sawyer's competition?'

'She came third in her group. Her teacher reckons she'll have her next belt within the month'

He smiles and she looks away because his pride over his girls always makes her want to kiss him. 'I wish I'd seen her. Was she happy?'

'She couldn't stop smiling. And then she was so bloody sweet and let Roe have her medal'

'What?' His eyebrow kinks.

'Yup. I was shocked too. Roe threw a wobbly about how she never wins anything and Sawyer just cooed that it's only cause she's smaller and said she could have her medal. I teared up obviously'

'Well that would do it' He can feel a lump in the back of his own throat. Quickly changes the subject before he's overcome with emotion 'What you up to?'

'Sawyer wants to start ice skating because she doesn't do enough extra curricular activities obviously' She rolls her eyes because if anything she'd rather the kid quitted something not add another club to the mix. 'I'm just figuring out if I can fit that into my schedule-'

'I can take her. I mean if you think she'll let me take her'

Peyton bites the inside of her cheek and ponders over the calendar. 'You don't even know when it is yet'

'Doesn't matter. I'll make it work. When is it?'

'Thursday evenings half six to half seven'

'Perfect'

'You're sure?'

'Of course I'm sure'

'I'll have a word with her. I just feel a bit overwhelmed with work and the clubs they already do and now I need to start looking at houses and-'

'I've got it. I can help out with all the kid's clubs. I've told you before'

'I know'

'So start letting me instead of trying to juggle everything by yourself'

'It's hard to break a habit you've gotten into isn't it?' Her tone is offhand.

'...I should've helped you more. I always got wrapped up in work and I just let you try and sort everything by yourself' He admits because her accusation holds certain truths. When he's had deadlines she's taken on more than her fair share of responsibility for their daughter's schedules. He doesn't tell her that she was insistent on doing so, that he'd even go as far as to say she wanted to be as busy as possible, that it was her attempt to evade the grief that had consumed her. 'I won't go back to being that though. I promise you can count on me to be there' She tilts her head. Nods curtly. '...are we gonna talk about last night?'

'Nope'

'Right' He squints at her knowingly, rubs the back of his neck. '...Is that a nope but it's sort of up for debate or a firm, resolute kinda nope?'

'The later'

'Right...I'm just gonna opt for talking at you then-'

'Luke-'

'I'm sorry that I, well I'm not sorry for what I did' He can't apologise for touching her. Won't. 'But I am sorry for some of the things I said and I'm sorry about that' He glances at her neck.

'Sure you are'

'I shouldn't have done that. I was, I'd had a few drinks and... I'm obviously fine with you working with Julian. Not that you need my permission or anything' He hastily adds because he's certain she'll only point that out if he's not clear. 'I just want you to know that all the shit I was saying' He shakes his head. 'I want you to know I'm ok with it and it's not a problem, you seeing him' He watches her. She says nothing for a long moment, her eyes resolutely on the ice skating pamphlet that's sat on the side.

'...you left'

'...yes. I thought it best and well I wasn't exactly in the position to be around anyone was I?' He mutters. 'You wanted me to go no?'

'Yes' She blurts because it's the right answer but right doesn't necessarily mean truthful.

'Right...I, I'm gonna try and give you some space' Her eyes round. 'Everyone keeps telling me that's what I need to do but I, last night made me realise maybe they're right because I, I let jealousy get the better of me...' He blinks. 'I'm gonna work on that and if what you need is for me to back off then' He nods. 'I'm gonna do that'

'You're gonna sign the papers?'

'...No.' He wants to give her the impression that he's conforming to her requests but he can't conform to that. 'I...I'm just going to let you have some space and time and if...we can talk about that later down the line right? It's not like there's any urgency' She doesn't say anything. Doesn't know what to say because his words are the closest she's gotten to him potentially thinking about signing the documents in question. 'So, I'll go grab Roe and let me know if Sawyer agrees to me taking her on Thursday. Is that ok?'

'...ok' He nods and forces his lips into a smile. A smile she's not use to being on the receiving end of. She knows he's not happy. Knows he's uncomfortable with what he's just declared. He's nearly at the door when she breathes out his name 'Luke' He looks back over his shoulder. '...thank you'

'For what?'

She wavers the ice skating leaflet in the air. 'And...I think space is what we both need'

'I don't need space. I'm doing this for you. Just to be clear'

•••

'It's Sawyer's really'

'Oh?' Karen inspects the glistening medal around her granddaughter's neck. She's still wearing her superhero outfit. Has refused to take it off since it was bestowed upon her.

'Uhuh. She got it for her Karate but she says I can have it' She smiles coyly up at her Nana.

'That was kind of her huh?'

'Uhuh'

'But well deserved as you are the best little sister aren't you?'

'Uhuh. And she's the best big sister'

'That's right' Karen smiles.

Lucas watches the interaction between his mother and daughter with a small smile. These times have become even more precious for him because he's missing moments like this on a daily basis. Missing little conversations. Missing her jabbering away. It doesn't matter that he's still seeing her a hell of a lot. The moments he's not there feel unbearably long and he swears she's growing an inch a week.

His phone buzzing in his pocket has his stare averting as he retrieves it. Peyton calling flashes up on the screen. He silently walks out of the kitchen as he presses the phone to his ear.

'Hey' His brow is furrowed because he only saw her forty minutes ago and the only calls he's received from her in recent months have been strictly about the girls or to yell at him about one thing or another. There isn't an immediate response. 'Peyton?'

'It's not Mum'

His stomach instantly knots because it's his eldest daughter and it's been days since she's voluntarily been in the same room as him let alone rang him and he's instantly assuming something is wrong. Can't not because he's being reminded of another time.

 _'Peyt?'_

 _'It's me Daddy'_

 _'Sawyer? What's wrong?' Her voice is panicked and he can hear his younger four year old daughter crying in the background._

 _'There-there's s-something wr-wrong with M-mummy' She wobbles over her words._

 _His mouth is dry. 'Where is she? Can you put her on-'_

 _'She, she won't wake up_ _\- there, there's blood-'_

 _'Nate call an ambulance to the house' He barks to his listening brother._

 _'I already called an ambulance' Sawyer is still rambling into the phone. 'They, they're on the home phone and they, they're coming'_

 _'She's already rang an ambulance' He halts his brother's endeavours and is running toward the car now, Nathan hot on his tail. '_ _What happened Sawyer?'_

 _'I- I don't know, Roe was crying so I came up, up here to s-see wh-what was wrong and Mummy w-was on the floor and...'_

 _'Ok, ok, don't worry. I'm on my way ok? I'll be five minutes. She's going to be ok'_

'Has something happened?' He hastily enquires.

'No'

'Where's Mum?'

'She's here'

He exhales heavily. Pinches the bridge of his nose because he'd just been catapulted back to a moment he's tried his very best to forget. He's seeing his wife in a pool a blood. A four year old Roewyn hysterically begging her to wake up now. Sawyer's large round eyes watching on in horror.

'...Mum said she's not got time to take me to ice skating but you can and if I want to go I have to ring you to tell you' Her voice mumbles down the line. 'I want to go to ice skating'

'I'd love to take you jitterbug'

He can hear Peyton in the background prompting her. '...Thank you' She utters. 'You want to speak to Mum?' She doesn't give him time to answer. 'Sawyer' His wife's reprimanding exhale of their eldest daughter's name signifies Sawyer's hasty departure.

'Hi' and then Peyton's sweet voice sounds in his ear. 'Sorry' She murmurs.

'Don't be, it's the longest conversation I've had with her in a while even if it was barely a sentence and being dictated by you. Is everything ok?'

'Yes...' Clearly his tone has given away where his mind had initially gone. 'I didn't mean to frighten you, I just thought she should be the one to talk to you'

'I know. Thank you. Did you have to bribe her?'

'No'

'No?'

'Maybe the promise of pizza helped'

He laughs. 'Nice to know where I rate'

'It's hard to beat pizza honey' The term of endearment slips from her mouth accidentally and god does he drown in it. She clears her throat. 'Is Roe alright?'

'Yeah, she's about to make cakes with Mum I think'

'She'll like that'

'Yeah'

'Well I need to go persuade Sawyer to do her homework'

'Yeah' He closes his eyes. He wants to help her do that. Wants to tuck his children in and kiss them good night. Wants to argue with his wife about what film they should watch. Wants to let her win. Inevitably he'll get bored and she'll whine at him to stop when he starts kissing her shoulder because unlike him she is watching. He wants his life back but he's giving her space so he bites his tongue. Stops himself from saying anything that would be deemed as inappropriate.

'Bye then'

'Peyton?'

'Yeah?'

'...nothing... I'll be seeing you' He lamely decides.

She's taken back to their youth with his choice of words. Pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth for a moment before breathing out her answer. 'Bye Luke'


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N Any** **italics** **signify flashbacks.**

THIRTEEN

'You're going the wrong way' He glances at her with a small smile. 'You can't kidnap me' He laughs then.

'You're my kid. I'm not kidnapping'

'Parents kidnap their kids everyday actually. It doesn't matter if you're the parent if you don't have custody it's still kidnap and it's a serious criminal offense'

His brow kinks because whilst he knows that's very much true he's uneasy as to why she knows that. 'How do you know that?'

'Crime channel'

'Sawyer. Does Mum know you've been watching that?'

'No'

'Well you're not to watch stuff like that'

'You don't get to tell me what to do' She crosses her arms.

He hesitates because she's taken him off guard. She's not spoken to him properly in what feels like forever but he's not sure this is any better. 'Actually I do. I'm your Dad and I do have custody of you with Mummy so until you turn twenty one you're just going to have to follow mine and Mummy's rules'

'I don't have to do anything _you_ say. You don't live with us so you don't get a say in what I do anymore'

He exhales heavily '...I know you're angry with me' Her head is tilted away to look out of the passenger window. 'Honey I'm really trying here' Silence. '...Mummy told me all about your Karate. You did so good. I'm so proud of you' Silence. '...giving Roe your medal was so kind. She looks up to you so much' Silence. He's reached his destination; the River Court. Pulls up. Turns the engine off. 'I'd never try and take you and your sister away from Mum. You know that right?' She sighs. 'Never Sawyer. Me and Mummy might not agree about some things right now but we'll always agree that you two need both of us...' He sighs. 'Ok?' She nods once. Curtly. So quickly that he's not even sure it really is any form of confirmation. 'I'm so sorry. I know everything is really hard right now jitterbug'

Her eyes are filling and she twists her head further into the window. '...if...if we move states will you come too?' Her voice is so quiet that it has Lucas leaning across the gearstick between them.

He frowns. 'What? Has Mum said that-'

'No. I just wondered'

'Mum wouldn't ever want to move out of Tree Hill'

'How do you know? We have to move'

'Yes, but here. Somewhere here. Mummy always wanted to bring you up here'

'...things change'

'Well...if for whatever reason that was the case then yes I'd be going wherever you go but I know your Mum and that's not going to happen...ok?' She nods, her stare still out of the window. 'You want to go out there and throw a ball around?'

'...No'

'...what did you think of the ice skating?' Her shoulders shrug. 'You looked good out there'

'I fell over five times'

'It was your first time. Do you want to go again?'

'...yes'

'Your Mum use to pretend she was an ice skater' That gets him her attention, her head slowly tilting away from the darkness. 'Uhuh' He answers her questioning gaze. 'Right here. If we were alone she'd make me dance and glide her around'

'No she didn't'

'She did'

'It's the River Court. There's no ice. You can't glide on asphalt'

'No. Mind you she still managed to make pretending look graceful' He smiles at the memory.

'She said she'd not be good at it because she'd be scared of falling and she's got a long way to fall'

He smirks, can hear his wife announcing such. '...Well I happen to know she's pretty good with her balance. She use to cheer'

'...Just cause you do something doesn't mean you're good. You play basket ball'

'Ouch. Keep em coming I can take it'

A small smile touches her lips. '...did Mummy like cheer? I can't imagine her doing that. I kinda think it's sexist'

He smiles because he feels like she's eleven going on thirty. '...yeah?'

'Uhuh. Let's dress the girls up in little skirts and make them jump up down for the guys' She rolls her eyes. 'We can play basket ball too'

'Damn right you can. I think your Aunt Brooke would claim there's a little more to it than jumping up and down though. But you're right. I'd be happy if you never wore one of those skirts' He admits. 'Your Mum cheered because her Mum had cheered and she was trying to find a way to be close to her. Plus she was dating Nathan so-'

'Mum?! Dating Uncle Nate?!' She exclaims. His smile widens because he's missed this.

'You didn't know that?'

'No! Eurgh that's so weird and gross'

'It was a long time ago'

'Mum and Uncle Nate have kissed?'

He cringes. 'Ok I'm regretting this little walk down memory lane' She pulls her feet up onto the seat and giggles wickedly because the thought of her Uncle and mother together seems nothing but funny. She's seen them together on countless occasions and if anything she thinks they behave like brother and sister. 'They were together for all of five minutes and became really good friends as soon as they weren't together'

'And then she started dating you?'

'Well it was a little more complicated than that but we got there in the end'

'You always stared at her legs'

'Who told you that?'

'Aunt Brooke says you only agreed to be on the basket ball team so you could spy on Mummy'

'She did, did she?'

'Uhuh. And she says you use to always be looking at her legs'

'Well Aunt Brooke always did like to gossip jitterbug. There were other reasons I wanted to play ball. Like you know, actually wanting to play the game...but your Mum's legs are pretty great'

'She says I'll have long legs like her'

'But unlike her you're not cheering right? Cause it's sexist and you're far too cool'

'Maybe I will. I want to be like Mum' She watches him out of the corner of her eye as his face contorts, her smile growing. '...kidding. I want to be on a team'

'That's my girl'

'Ice skaters wear short dresses Dad'

'I'm teasing. You can wear and be whatever you want. You know that. You've got a Dad that's ready to fight off all the boys'

'Or girls'

He kinks his brow. 'Oh?'

'I'm a kid' She shrugs her shoulders. 'I don't know what I like to eat for breakfast in the morning let alone whether I like boys or girls. Mum says you just know when you know and you figure it out'

'Yeah I guess you do and whatever and whoever it doesn't matter'

'I know. I reckon Roe is more likely to be a cheerleader'

'You think?'

'Uhuh. But a rebel cheerleader. She'll be the one that rocks up with a cape on top of her outfit'

'Still not taken that off then huh?'

'Nope. She had a full on melt down this morning cause Mum said she couldn't wear it to school because it's not super hero day anymore and we only got out the house by letting her wear the leotard under her dress'

'Oh god, she's getting more and more like you. We're in for trouble'

'Hey. I'm perfect'

'Yes. You are Sawyer Elizabeth Scott. I love you'

She looks up at him then and sighs heavily. '...I know...I just' Her shoulders shrug. 'I'm mad at you'

'I know. And that's ok'

'...do you really still love Mum'

'I fell in love with her the very first time I kissed her and I'll always be in love with her. I know it's...it's confusing' He sighs. Wants to change the subject. Does. '...How is school?' She's back to shrugging her shoulders. 'You've been talking to a counsellor right?' She doesn't answer. 'Is that going ok?' Nothing. 'Do you like them?'

'...she's ok'

'Do you talk about me and Mummy?'

'...Sometimes'

'That's good. It's good to talk to other people about your feelings'

'...can I go home now?'

He sighs. 'Yeah, yeah of course' He starts the engine. 'You can talk to me though. You know that right? About anything at all' He's not surprised by her silence. He feels like he's trying to reel a fish in and one minute he's succeeding and the next it's escaped the hook and is lost once more. He gives up trying and makes do with the silence for the short duration of their drive back. 'Here we go' He murmurs when he pulls up in front of the house.

She hesitates. Is waiting for him to get out but he doesn't move. 'Aren't you coming in?'

'No, I've gotta head off...will you come for Pizza with me and Roe on Saturday?'

'...I don't know'

'Ok' He does a poor job of trying not to sound disheartened. 'Think about and if not I'll see you for ice skating next week yeah?'

'Yes'

'I love you' He can't help himself, leans over the gear stick and presses a kiss to the side of her head.

'Dad' She complains.

'Sorry, sorry' He sighs. 'Go on then, be good for your Mum'

'I always am' She gives him that little wicked smile that he's not had for a while. The mischievous one that's reserved just for him. The door shuts and he finds himself grinning from ear to ear because it might be little but it's something. Baby steps.

•••

'Ok?' Peyton tries to sound casual as her daughter waltzes into the kitchen.

'Uhuh'

'How was it?'

'Ok'

'Just ok?'

Sawyer's shoulders shrug. 'Ok'

'All I'm getting is ok?' Peyton whines. 'Did you like it? What was the teacher like? Did you make any friends? Did you know any of the other kids?-'

'Mum' Sawyer rolls her eyes.

'What?! I want to know about my kid's first ever ice skating lesson. What's wrong with that?'

'The teacher was fine. I didn't know anyone. The other kids were nice'

'And Daddy?'

'...Fine'

'Don't eat those they're for tomorrow' Peyton confiscates a pack of cookies that the eleven year old is inspecting.

'But I'm hungry'

'I'll make you something proper'

'I don't want anything proper. I'm hungry for cookies'

'You're always hungry for cookies. Have an apple or how about some toast?'

'Fine'

Peyton flits into action and goes about making her daughter a snack. 'So you got on ok with Dad?'

'He took me to the Rivercourt after'

'Oh?'

'We talked'

'Oh?'

'You can stop with the oh's Mum. Don't be weird'

'I'm not being weird. Was it ok?'

'...I guess...I didn't know you use to kiss Uncle Nate' She smiles devilishly.

'And how did that come up in conversation' Peyton rolls her eyes. 'Honestly'

'So gross Mum'

'What's wrong with your Uncle Nate?'

'He's my Uncle is what's wrong!'

'At the time he wasn't! He was just some guy on the basket ball team that was fit' She widens her eyes comically.

'Mum!'

'You're so funny jitterbug' She coos, hands locking around her daughter as she leaves a loud kiss to her cheek. 'It's not that weird and it was a long, long time ago'

'But you kissed him'

'Uhuh. And I reckon you'll kiss more than one person in your life too'

'What if I just kiss one?'

'Then you'll have one happy, happy Mumma that's so happy she found her soul mate'

'What if I kiss lots?'

'Then you'll have a happy Mumma that's glad her baby girl isn't giving up on love. Maybe not too many though hey?' She unravels her arms from around the eleven year old's neck.

Sawyer smiles. 'I love you Mum'

'Yeah? You better' She's buttering the slice of toast now. 'Just butter or something else?'

'Just butter please...Aunt Brooke says Dad only joined the basket ball team to spy on you'

'Aunt Brooke likes to gossip' She slides the plate before the waiting child.

'Thanks. That's what Dad said'

'Your Dad joined the team because he was good at basket ball'

'...how did you and Dad first kiss?'

'Oh my, you're really hitting me with all the questions tonight aren't you?' She perches on one of the high stools at the kitchen island along side her daughter.

'I'm just interested. Weren't you? In your Mum?'

Peyton smiles. '...well yes but she wasn't here to ask'

Sawyer's expression morphs into sadness. 'I'm glad you're here for me to ask'

'Me too'

'I can't imagine not having you Mum'

'Well you don't need to imagine because I'm not going anywhere... Me and Daddy first kissed at a party and because your Aunt Brooke dared me to in front of a load of people' Sawyer's eyes round. 'It wasn't very romantic'

'You kissed him?'

'Mhmm'

'That's so cool'

'It is?'

'Uhuh'

'Well it didn't feel very cool at the time' Peyton laughs. 'We were all silly kids back then'

'You didn't like know right then that you loved him?'

Peyton smiles. 'No'

'He said he knew'

'Oh, you've been playing this game with him too tonight have you?' Sawyer shrugs. 'Sometimes it takes people a little while to get on the same page about things' She frowns. 'What else did Daddy say about that night?' She's not thought about that night in a long, long time. That girl feels like a different person altogether. That girl was confused, angry, lonely, sad. She supposes they're not so different right now.

'Nothing'

'Me and Daddy took a little while to get through some teenage drama silliness before we actually got together properly'

'Drama'

'Yes' Peyton rolls her eyes. 'You, Sawyer Elizabeth are far more grown up at eleven than I was at seventeen'

'I am?'

'Uhuh and I'm not even exaggerating. I think for a long time I had a hard time trusting people because I'd lost my Mum so young. I was angry about so many things because it wasn't fair' She takes Sawyer's hand.

'I didn't mean to make you sad Mum'

'You haven't' She shakes her head firmly. 'I'm just really, really sorry baby. I never wanted this for you or your sister. I wanted to give you what I didn't have. Two parents together forever'

'Mum it's ok'

Peyton nods. Composes herself. 'I'm glad you went with Daddy tonight. You need him jitterbug'

'...do you need him?'

'I've got what I need. Right here' She's back to hugging her baby girl because otherwise she's going to cry.

•••

She's been sat in silence for what feels like forever. In reality it's only been a couple of minutes. They've done the niceties. She's now been asked a simple question. She's been asked what's bought her here today but the words are trapped in the back of her throat. Practiced words she'd rehearsed in the mirror over and over yesterday and this morning. Her stomach has been in knots for the last forty eight hours and it's all because of this.

'You don't have to tell me every little thing Peyton. Let's just start small-'

'Me and my husband are getting a divorce' She blurts then. 'and I just...' She shrugs her shoulders, loses her memento in all of a heartbeat.

'I'm sorry to hear that. Talking about big life changes can be really difficult but also beneficial in helping us adjust and process our feelings' She chews on the inside of her cheek and wonders if the older woman across from her things she's utterly insane as she feels right now. 'How're you feeling about this change?'

She sighs. '...I'm not good at this'

'Good at?'

Peyton's face crumples. Eyes close. Hands waver. 'This. Talking. I...this is my idea of a nightmare being here and I...' Her eyes open. 'I'm sorry...I'm not sure this was a good idea'

'Take a deep breath'

'I think I should go'

'You're free to leave at any time, of course you are but I think perhaps you came here for a reason. Coming here is hard. What you've done today, give yourself credit for that. People avoid doing this their whole lives. It can be overwhelming if we look at this as an ongoing commitment. Why not just try this one hour and not try to think past that?'

She licks her lips. Her hands are splayed out on her thighs. She's been preparing to stand and flee since she entered the room minutes ago.

'Is there any one thing that's making you feel particularly anxious right now?'

'...I just...I...I feel like I'm going to waste your time and my own'

'You're not wasting my time. And I'm hoping if you give me a chance I won't be wasting yours either' The experienced counsellor smiles softly.

'But I...I feel like I'm just going to sit here and not actually tell you what I'm thinking or...' She scrapes her hand through her hair.

'You don't know me. It's only natural for you feel that way. After today hopefully you'll feel at least a little more at ease. Sometimes it's easier talking to people that we don't know. Nothing you say is ever going to leave this room unless you decide it should. You're in complete control...why don't we start small. You live here in Tree Hill right?'

'Yes'

'Have you always lived here?'

'Yeah. I mean there was a year where I interned in LA but apart from that I've not ventured far'

'This is home'

'Yeah'

'Do you have family here too?'

'My Mum died when I was just a kid. My Dad is still here. He worked on the water for a long time and still spends a lot of time out on his boat'

'I'm sorry about your Mother'

'It was a long time ago'

'I lost my Mum as a teen. It still hurts'

'...yes'

'What about children? Do you have any?'

'Two. Two girls. Sawyer and Roewyn. Sawyer is eleven and Roe is just seven'

'What's your relationship like with them?'

'They're my whole world'

The counsellor crosses her legs and smiles. 'What're they like?'

'Well Sawyer, Sawyer is so much like her Dad. She can be serious but she's got a sense of humour. Lucas thinks she's like me but she's not, not really. She just looks like me. Roe, Roe is more me, well at least a little me'

'And what was a little you like?'

'Happy and sensitive. Daring but also sensible. Messy. Roe is all those things and she's got two left feet but loves ballet' That smile that creeps onto her face whenever she's thinking of her two girls is very much present. 'She's clumsy and graceful all at the same time. Sawyer is good at anything and everything. I swear anything she does she makes look effortless. That's her Dad...'

'Lucas?'

'Yes'

'Where did you and Lucas meet?'

'At school, well technically my car broke down and he toed me'

'And that was it? Love at first sight?'

'No' She sniggers. 'He'd claim it was but it wasn't. It was high school. We were stupid kids. We didn't properly get together until our last year of school'

'High school sweethearts'

'I wouldn't call us that'

'No? Why's that?'

'I don't know. I guess we were that in a way but it didn't feel smooth or easy until that last year'

'And you were together since then until recently?'

'...yeah'

'When did you get married?'

'We were only 21...I was interning in LA and he proposed and I, I moved back here shortly after' She pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth.

'Was that a happy time?'

'Yes...I mean, I was miserable in LA so coming back here and starting a life with him was nothing but happy but there...' She swallows.

'There?'

'...I guess sometimes I do wonder how things would've been different if we'd waited a bit. I, I wanted to marry him but I gave up with the career out there and just...' She shakes her head. 'But then I realise Sawyer and Roe wouldn't exist and god that doesn't bear thinking about'

'You don't need to feel guilt for wondering about opportunities and where your road would've led if you'd made other choices. It's only natural for us to do so especially when things aren't turning out the way we expected them to...'

'...I've never known what's going to happen in my life. I'm not one of those girls that had it in their heads that they'd be married with kids by a certain age. I didn't have that plan but it just happened and I, when it did I thought Lucas was the only sure thing. The only thing I could count on. I thought the future held a thousand unknowns but this, us, that would always be a constant'

'What changed?' She doesn't answer. Doesn't know how to answer. Doesn't know how to even begin to answer. 'Was this split a mutual decision?' The counsellor tries instead.

'...no'

'I see. So Lucas decided he'd like to separate?' The older woman wrongly assumes.

'No. He's been fighting me on it in every sense'

A brow raises. 'So you decided to end the relationship?'

'No, yes, I mean not because I, it's not as easy as that. I didn't, I wanted...he slept with someone else...' She taps her hand restlessly on the arm of the sofa as her confession hangs in the air. '...so yes it's my decision but really I feel like it's not because he did this. He ended it. Not me'

'I see. So if there hadn't been any infidelity you'd still want to be with him?'

'...I'd married him for forever' She mumbles. She can feel the lump in the back of her throat growing. Is remembering why she doesn't want to do this because doing this ends in her crying and she doesn't want to cry. Not in front of some random lady she doesn't know.

'I'm sorry Peyton' She swallows. The woman's words have her scowling before she can stop herself. She reigns it in. 'You don't have to hide from me' Peyton's eyes skitter up to her then. 'I clearly just said something that irritated you'

'I'm sorry'

'Sorry isn't permitted in this room'

'And yet you just said it to me'

'Touché'

'I just, I don't like feeling like people are...'

'Are?'

'I know you were probably being genuine but you don't know me and I hardly think you care that...' She shakes her head. 'Of course you care this is your job'

'I'm not pitying you if that's what you've decided. I've gone through a divorce myself' A small laugh passes her lips. 'And that right there is the look I always get from my clients. Everyone always assumes that my job means I'm inhumane or something. I have problems too and I might not have been where you are now but I have got some experience in heartbreak and I'm very qualified in helping you cope with said heartbreak'

'...I'm sorry that was rude of me-'

'You weren't...Had your relationship had any problems or did this come out of the blue for you?'

'...we, we'd not...things had been strained but I, it still felt out of the blue because I never thought he'd...he's not like that. I didn't think he was like that' she corrects herself.

'Why do you think things had been strained?' Her shoulders shrug. 'You don't know or you don't want to talk about it?'

'Am I that transparent?'

'I've just been doing this a long time. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to but I am just here to listen' Silence encompasses them. '...Can I ask how far along in the divorce proceedings are you?' The subject is eventually changed. 'You said Lucas is fighting you on it?'

'He's not signed the papers. We can't afford lawyers so I'm basically just stuck in limbo with him calling all the shots'

'So you're not seeing eye to eye on anything right now?'

'...we, we're getting on better than we were...it, it was really bad for a while but I, I feel like we, we've turned a corner. He, he's agreed to give me space'

'So you're not living together?'

'No. He, he moved out six months ago now'

'So if you've not been living together what do you mean by he's agreed to give you space?'

'He, he just, he's been trying with me and I, I'm obviously not keeping the girls from him and he's taken advantage of that. He was coming round as and when he wanted. It's like he thought if he could pretend hard enough then things would go back to normal...I think he's finally accepting it's not going back to...' The lump in the back of her throat is back again. She looks down. A tissue appears in her lap. 'Th-thank you'

'You're welcome. Sometimes these things can be mended'

'...somethings can't' She closes her eyes.

'Yes somethings can't. Was Lucas's infidelity an ongoing relationship?'

'...he claims not. He claims it was one night'

'And you don't believe that's the case?'

'...no I, I do believe him' She whispers and exhales heavily. '...and that, that makes me even more angry because he, he threw it all away for one night. At, at least if it was a full blown affair I think I, I think I'd find easier to accept and...' She scrapes her hand through her hair. '...sometimes I convince myself that even if it was just the one night it must've meant something. A hell of a something because he, he's, I thought he was so in love with me and I don't see how he could, would do that if he didn't have some emotional connection...' She shakes her head again.

'Do you know the person?'

'Yes, she, she's his, was his editor' She breathes out. Swallows repeatedly to battle the lump that's rising up in her throat yet again.

'Was?'

'He ended their working relationship the day after'

'Had they worked together long?'

'For the most part of ten years. I knew she liked him I just never thought he felt the same'

'And you feel you know him?' Peyton kinks her brow in question. 'Who would you say knows your husband better than anyone in this world'

'...Me' Despite everything she's still got faith in that at least.

'I'd say if you were certain he didn't have feelings for his editor then you'd be correct in thinking so'

'Why should I trust anything I've ever thought before to be true when he's proven me wrong?'

'I don't think you can trust anything but you've been married to this man for a long time. From an outsiders perspective I feel as though he'd not have waited ten years to jump into bed with her if there was a bigger connection. I obviously don't know Lucas and could be very wrong but it's rare that a person has that much will power'

'Things can grow over time and as far as will power goes he's the most strong willed person I know. What does it matter anyway?' She shakes her head. Fails to see why understanding his motivation is important. 'As far as I'm concerned it makes no difference'

'Well it depends on what you want'

'What I want'

'Yes. From what I can determine you're speaking as though you still have feelings for your husband. You've stated that he wants to work through this. If you're both willing and you both still love each other you could come back from this'

'Is that what you convince every woman when they come in here telling you that their husband has cheated on them?'

'No. But every case is different. When there's no other factors, when it's more than apparent that one parter is not committed in the same way then there's little hope...I think there's several other issues here that need to be addressed and if we can work through those then maybe you'll be able to better determine what it is that you want..Do you think I'm incorrect in saying that right now you want a divorce and to quit this because it feels like the right thing to do?- because you feel like it should be what you want? Because he's betrayed you?'

'He's only meant to be with me like that! I don't know how you forgive that!'

'Maybe you can't but maybe you owe it to yourself to really analyse how you've both wound up-'

'You think it's my fault' She blurts her irritation.

'No. I didn't just say that at all...do you think it's your fault?'

Peyton cradles her forehead in her hands. '...I couldn't give him...'

'...you couldn't give him?'

'...I thought we, we were so solid'

'Every couple can encounter issues that push them to the edge...what did you mean just then? What couldn't you give him?'

'...a...a baby...and I was, I know I was so horrible to him' Her admission is barely audible. She blinks. Sits up straighter. 'I have to go now' She's done. She's surprised she's lasted this long.

'Ok. I think it's best we leave it there for today too' The knowing woman hums soothingly. 'Will you come back the same time next week?' Peyton licks her lips. Hesitates. 'I really think I can help you Peyton. What've you got to lose?'

•••

'Hey'

'Hey'

It's been thirteen days since he's been alone in a room with her, not that he's counting or anything. He's done as promised. Given her space. Waited in the car for the girls to come out. Has waved at her when he's dropped them back. Nothing more. He's avoided her because avoiding her is easier than trying to behave himself in her presence.

'Everything ok?' He opens the door wide to beckon her inside.

'Uhuh. You alright?' She slides her bag off her shoulder. Loiters awkwardly in the hallway like she's a guest in some stranger's house. This isn't some stranger's house though. This is her mother-in-law's home. This is where her husband grew up. This is where husband currently lives.

'All good here' He hums. 'The girls are in the lounge'

'Ok...there's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about actually'

'Sure. You want' He points to the kitchen to see whether said conversation requires more privacy.

'Yeah' She confirms. He leads the way. 'Where's your Mum?'

'She's at the cafe this morning'

'Right' She sets her bag on the kitchen table.

'Tea?'

'Mm' She watches him go about making them the warm beverage. 'Have they been good?'

'Yeah. They've not had a single argument which feels like a record. It feels so nice having them together. Seeing them together' He expels. He was over the moon by his eldest daughter's presence.

'Sawyer has been so good with her lately'

'Yeah. Are you sure she's our kid?' He jokes. She smiles. 'Thank you'

'What for?'

'I'm sure you're the reason she came this time'

'That's all you, you're clearly winning her over with the Ice skating trips. She's had a lot of questions about us huh?'

'Oh. Yeah. I've not said something wrong have I?' He's wondering if that's why she wants to talk to him. He's trying to rehash the conversations he's had with said daughter in recent days because she has had a lot of questions about her parents past.

'No, no' She shakes her head. 'Well some of the details are questionable your end but we've always agreed to disagree'

'I did know I loved you after that first kiss'

'Sure you did. You loved that you were about to get laid more like' She argues. 'I can't believe I dragged you into a room at a party to have sex with you and I barely even knew you'

'Irresistible then too wasn't I?'

'Crazy more like. You screwed it up didn't you?'

'I think the term you're looking for is _not_ a jackass. I wasn't interested in just fucking you even at seventeen'

She knows. 'No, although I wish you'd got it all out of your system back then' She regrets it. Her mouth and brain's temporary lapse in working together has her grimacing. She quickly changes the subject because they're on route for an argument that she wasn't intending. 'She was very amused by the idea of me and Nate'

'Yeah' He wants to address her previous statement but thinks better of it.

'I don't think I'll ever be at the point where I find it that entertaining' The kettle has boiled. He fills their waiting mugs. 'So you wanted to talk?'

'Right' She blinks. Hesitates. '...There's been a few people interested in the house this week'

'Already?' He sets their teas down on the kitchen table.

'Thanks' She sits down. 'You know these things' She shrugs. He sits too despite his desire to start pacing. 'They're unpredictable but nothing can happen until I've found somewhere anyway so if any of them do put an offer in and need to move ASAP it's not going to happen. I just wanted to let you know where we're at'

'...thanks...have you been looking at places?' He wonders if his voice sounds even because it sure as hell doesn't to him.

'A couple' She nods. Takes a sip of her tea.

'And?'

She nods again and he cocks his head because he knows that look. She's on the verge of tears. 'Peyton' She sets her tea down. Her hand runs through her hair. Her stare skitters from him and then she's abruptly on her feet and walking the couple of steps to the back door to peer out the window. He rises and follows her. Hand settles on her back lightly and her bottom lip wobbles. 'Come're' and then he's pulling her into a hug that she doesn't fight.

'I..I d-don't kn-know w-what, wh-what I'm l-looking a-at!'

'Shh' She's had a long day. She's viewed two houses, none of which she liked even a tiny bit. She's already feeling behind with her work and mostly she knows she's getting worked up about her second counselling session tomorrow. He holds her tight. Rubs her back. Her hands have gone around him. He can't remember the last time she voluntarily hugged him and god does he miss it. He misses so many things but holding her, just holding her safe in his arms makes everything better. She does feel safe. She's sure this is the only place she'll ever feel safe. She doesn't want to need him as her safety net but god she's overwhelmed and upset and confused and he's the only one that's ever been able to fix that. He's always endeavoured to fix her problems. Always. He kisses her head. Lingers for just a moment more before he speaks. He knows speaking will end this. He doesn't want this to end but consoling her involves a conversation 'Has Brooke been going with you?'

'...to s-some' she mumbles into his chest.

'That's good. She's good at this stuff, no?'

'Y-yeah'

His hand threads through her hair. 'She knows what you like as well as what you need'

'Y-yeah...I j-just didn't th-think it'd...everywhere we've looked at has been on th-the other s-side of Tree H-Hill a-and I d-don't want to b-be th-there'

'That's ok. You don't have to be'

'I th-think that's a-all we can af-ford'

'Sweetheart you're looking. Ok? Just because there's been some interest in the house already doesn't mean you have to put pressure on yourself to find somewhere really quick. Ok? And that's not me trying to drag this out. I just want you to love this new house. Are you worrying about money?'

'I h-haven't g-got any! O-of course I a-am. My credit ca-cards are maxed o-out'

'I'm going to put some money into your personal account this afternoon. Ok?'

'Wh-what?' She looks up at him then.

'Mum said we could borrow some. It's a loan. And I'm not gonna touch it but I'm gonna be the one to pay her back. Ok?'

'No I-'

'Please don't argue with me on this. I don't want you worrying anymore' His hands are on her upper arms now and he takes a little step back so he can see her better. 'Don't be stubborn about this. If you're stressing it's not good for the girls is it? Do it for them'

She blinks. Sniffles. '...o..ok' Nods. He smiles sadly because he knows she's at breaking point for her to agree so easily. They've argued about the same subject a hell of enough already. He draws her back into his arms. 'I'm s-sorry I, I d-didn't mean to b-be like this I-I've had a sh-shit day'

He's already determined that. 'Don't be silly. It's fine' He's not had her cry on him for what feels like forever and he's kind of basking in her needing of comforting. Comforting by him. 'You wanna talk about your day?' He's walking her back to the table and reluctantly sits her back down. He wants to hold her longer but is aware that she's going to soon cut him off.

'I just...' He sets her tea closer to her. 'Thanks' Also grabs her a tissue. 'Thanks'

'You just?' He sits in the chair directly next to her this time.

She purses her lips. '...I'm just tired' She decides. 'Roe keeps ending up in bed with me. You know she's a kicker. I'm just overtired' She's shutting down. The wall is coming back up. He watches the bricks begin to tower.

'You want them to stay here tonight?'

She chews on the inside of her cheek. 'No, it's alright'

'Let me. I'd like to have them. You can catch up on any work' He's sure her anxiety over this job is also showing itself. 'Hey?'

'You've already had them a night'

'So?'

'Don't you have stuff to do?'

'No. And even if I did I'd drop it for you and them ok? Always. An extra night isn't a big deal-'

'But they've got school'

'I can take them in the morning it's fine. Don't you trust me?'

'Of course I..ok' She surrenders.

'Ok' He smiles and hands her another tissue because she's still sniffling.

'Thanks'

'No more crying ok?'

She gives him a watery smile. '...thank you...' and then looks down. '...You know giving me space doesn't mean you can't walk into the house at all' She mutters suddenly.

'I know' He's squinting at her.

'...I think the girls think we're fighting'

'...I just, I don't really trust myself sometimes' He rubs the back of his neck.

'What?' Her stare averts back to him.

'You think it's easy for me to be around you and not touch you or say things that you deem inappropriate?'

'...Don't be ridiculous'

'I'm not being ridiculous. You're like my kryptonite'

'You do know that kryptonite deprives superman of his powers right?'

'Right! I'm utterly weak around you'

'So I make you who you're not'

'So not getting what I meant that to mean' He shakes his head. 'Love is like kryptonite though. It makes people weak'

'It's not meant to make people feel weak and helpless. It's meant to make you feel superhuman and like you can do anything' She argues.

'And this is why we work so well together baby. We're chalk and cheese'

'No we're not. Everyone always says we could be twins'

'You don't want to fuck your sibling'

'Shh' Her eyes dart to the door.

'They can't hear. Have you missed me? Is that what this is about?'

'No' She rolls her eyes. He doesn't believe her. Her little meltdown has instigated hope in him 'I shouldn't have bought it up. I just don't want the girls to think we're fighting'

'So tell them we're not and I will too'

She sighs. '...Fine'

'But if you'd rather I start popping in that's absolutely fine. I've missed you like crazy the last couple of weeks'

'Luke' She exhales.

'Inappropriate?'

'I'm gonna sit with the girls for half an hour before I go' She gets up and her fingers run diligently beneath her eyes as she completely composes herself. 'Are you sure your Mum won't mind them being here another night?'

'Of course she won't' He's on his feet now too.

'...I don't like her giving me money Luke'

'It's not you it's us. And she's going to be so happy about you accepting so don't give it another thought ok?'

'...you know that's impossible'

'Yeah but try hey? Why I have you alone there's something I wanted to ask you, I was wondering what do you think about us getting Sawyer a phone?'

Peyton's brow kinks. 'I thought you were more anti that than me'

'I was. I am. I mean I don't bloody want her to have one particularly but I, well mainly the reason is that I, with not being at home I'd like to be able to text her good night and stuff and I know I can call but, well I know things are getting a bit better between us but it's not so normal that she's been wanting to call me through choice is it?'

'I'm ok with her having a phone if you are. We always said eleven would be the youngest we'd let them right? I mean, I'm not jumping up and down at the prospect but I...I think it would be good for the two of you'

'Yeah?'

'Yes'

'Thank you'

'She's starting to want to do things like go to the cinema with just her friends and I know we'd drop her off and pick her up but it stresses me out feeling like we've got no way of contacting her so I was gonna bring it up again anyway'

'Have you done that? Dropped her off and-'

'No. I'd have run it by you first'

He nods. 'Sorry I just' He shrugs. 'God she needs to stop growing up now. I don't like it'

'Neither' She smiles. 'She'll always be our baby'

'I don't think she'll appreciate us calling her our baby at 40'

'Tough. Besides she can't ever be 40 because when she's 40 I'll be old'

'Us old? Never. I'll still love you then' He declares like he has done before. Her eyes narrow. 'Sorry, I'll behave now' He smiles. But she knows he knows exactly what memory his words will have sparked.

 _'Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkly?'_

 _He's trying to type but since she sat herself on his lap ten minutes ago he's not gotten far._

 _He scowls. 'You know the answer to that. You wouldn't have married me otherwise'_

 _She smiles. '...I know. But the thing is you like to think you still will but you don't actually know'_

 _'I do. I'm in love with you. You think if you became disfigured in an accident I'd suddenly not love you?'_

 _'You're suggesting getting old is like become disfigured. Nice honey'_

 _He laughs. 'Ok, bad example. I'm just saying, if you were burnt tomorrow in a fire or something and you no longer looked like you it wouldn't change anything. I think it's more concerning that you think it could change things. I married you for this more than anything' His hand rests on her heart._

 _'I don't think it could change things. Not really' She shifts herself around so she's straddling his legs and completely blocking the screen of his laptop now._ _'You better not leave me for some fit young thing Lucas Scott'_

 _'You'll still be fit when we're older. Are you forgetting I'm gonna be old along with you?'_

 _'Yeah but men seem to just get more rugged to me'_

 _'Peyton Scott!' He exclaims. 'Are you eying up all the silver foxes of the world?'_

 _She shrugs. 'Maybe. A girl can dream'_

 _'Oh you missy are gonna be in trouble in a minute'_

 _'How so?' Her fingers are in his hair at he back of his neck._

 _'You can't openly tell me you check out other men! How would you feel if I said that?'_

 _'I'm not so stupid as to think you don't check out other girls'_

 _'I don't!'_

 _'Oh please I've seen you'_

 _'You have not because I do not. You just like to let your imagination run away with you. Do you seriously check out other guys?'_

 _'No' She admits and chews on the inside of her cheek. 'I think I'm a bit asexual actually' He laughs then loudly. 'I'm serious' He snorts. 'Lucas! Don't laugh'_

 _'What?! I'm sorry but what're you on about?! You do know what that means right?'_

 _'Yes I know! I'm not stupid'_

 _'But baby you're married. To me. And I'm sorry but you're not that great an actress, you like sex'  
_

 _'With you! No one else'_

 _'Uhuh, I should hope so!'_

 _'But see I didn't ever, when I went out with people it's not like I thought, I didn't get that feeling'_

 _'That you get with me?'_

 _'I don't think I got it with you instantly it just grew once I got to know you. Like I could say you were pretty but it's not like I was attracted to-'_

 _'This conversation is not panning out well for my self esteem'_

 _She laughs then. 'I think you're so pretty now'_

 _'Can you stop referring to me as pretty please'_

 _She giggles again. 'God you're such a guy sometimes. I just mean fit'_

 _'So say that. I prefer that'_

 _'Same difference'_

 _'You're such a liar there was this instant chemistry between us and you Peyton Sawyer were the instigator'_

 _'Whatever. I was just a good actress and trying to keep up with my friends'_

 _'So just using me?'_

 _'Uhuh' She is lying now and he laughs because her cheeky expression is nothing but cute._

 _'Right that's it' He reaches behind her and blindly closes his laptop before letting his hands slide beneath her backside. She yelps as he stands walks the few steps over to their bed before dropping her onto it._ _'Lucas!'_ _she shrieks as he settles on her._

 _'Peyton' He mimics._

 _'What're you doing?'_

 _'You know what. I want you'_

 _'We've gotta get Sawyer from school in half an hour and your toddler is gonna be awake in twenty minutes-'_

 _'Plenty of time. I'm never not going to want you like this baby. You drive me crazy'_

 _'Still after all this time?'_

 _'More so after all this time. So no checking out anyone else please'_

 _'Were you not listening to a word I just said? I'm not even attracted to anyone. Ever. Just you'_

 _He smiles. 'That's because you've got all you need right here. Always and forever'_

 _'Always and forever'_

'Are you still asexual?' His questions has her shoving him but there's an undeniable curve to her lips reminiscent of a small smile.

'I thought you just said you were gonna behave'

'I'm just trying to cheer you up'

'Am I laughing?'

'I think I was close to getting a little laugh... Please try not to worry about money or the house. It'll all work out because I'll make sure of it...I promise'


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N As always thank you for your kind reviews :) Any** **italics** **signify flashbacks. I've tried to make that clearer by marking dots between current day and past moments!**

FOURTEEN

'I'm really glad you came'

'I nearly didn't' Peyton confesses.

'I'm not so bad am I?'

'It's more to do with me than you'

'You're not so scary Peyton' Peyton offers the therapist a small smile.

'I dunno. I find myself hard work and I, I coming here has made me realise how...I never knew I was this anxious a person'

'Well I'm going to try and help you deal with that. How has your week been?'

'...ok'

'That wasn't overly convincing'

'I...I've been a bit emotional I guess' She admits.

'Do you think there's been a trigger for that?'

'...I think it's just everything...I, a few people have been interested in the house. Did I mention we're selling the house last time? I don't know that I mentioned that'

'I don't think so. Was that a mutual decision?'

'Not particularly. We don't have a choice though. Financially speaking it's, it's the only way. Even if, even if we were still together we'd have to...'

'So your finances are a bit of a concern?'

Peyton sighs. Scrapes her hand through her hair. 'We were fine until Lucas gambled it all away'

The counsellor's brow raises. 'Everything?'

'I'm... I'm literally living paycheque to paycheque right now. My Dad gave me a bit of money that helped with payments on the house initially but...I was stressing about that this week because I don't want to ask him for more and...but now...' She sighs. 'Luke's Mum has loaned him some money that he, he's put into my account so I, hopefully it'll tide me over...I just hate taking money from her'

'I'm sure she wouldn't have offered if she wasn't in the position to do so'

'I know...'

'Have you found a house?'

'No I've been to some viewings...it just makes everything so...real' She admits. 'I, I've never had to do this on my own. I, I'm realising how much I, I rely on Luke. On his opinion. Even now I want, I want to know what he thinks, whether he likes it or not' She rolls her eyes at herself. 'Ridiculous huh?'

'It's not ridiculous to want someone's input when you've valued their opinion for a number of years'

'Maybe not completely ridiculous but it's like I still want his approval not just his opinion, like I, I want to know he's happy with it and then at the same time I, I so badly don't want to give a shit because I don't need his permission'

'Has Lucas seen any of the houses with you?'

'No, but I was so close to asking him to come with me yesterday. I, I cried on him which was bad enough. I've spent weeks demanding he give me space and leave me alone and then as soon as he does I...'

'It's only natural to miss someone you're use to having as such a big constant in your life' The counsellor hums. 'You said Lucas gambled it all away. Did you mean that literally?'

'Literally' She affirms.

'Has he always had a problem with gambling?'

'...no but I, I, this was going on under my nose for a long time before I noticed...'

...

 _She's wearing his glasses again. He doesn't know how many times he's told her to make a damn appointment to get her eyes checked because she clearly needs some and he knows his prescription is too strong. He makes a mental note to take her this weekend._

 _'What you looking at?' She startles. Stares at him. Her expression isn't one he's use to seeing and he can't quite work it out. 'What's wrong?'_

 _She swallows. '...my card was declined earlier'_

 _A tightness is quick to from in his chest. 'Did you try your credit card? I might need to transfer some money into our-'_

 _'Our joint account card wouldn't work. My debit card wouldn't work. My credit card wouldn't work.'_

 _His eyes are scanning his desk. His diary is open and he knows in all of a heartbeat that she's located all of their passwords and security questions where he not so safely stores them. Knows she's logged in online._

 _'We're majorly overdrawn. Our credit card is maxed out. Our savings account has nothing in it. The kid's saving account is empty. My personal account! My fucking personal account Luke-'_

 _'Peyton-'_

 _'What's going on?!' Her voice is higher than norm._

 _'It's just temporary'_

 _'Temporary?! Where's our money?!'_ _He licks his lips._ _'Start fucking talking Lucas!'_

 _'I, the second round of IVF treatment along side the house payments was...harder to cover than I-'_

 _'What?! I asked you! You said we could do it. I questioned it. I thought we weren't in the position to! You assured me the paycheque from Ravens meant we could' She's beside herself. 'You said we had enough for a third round the other day!'_

 _'I...we will have. I'm getting it...' He swallows because he knows she's going to lose the plot. 'I, I placed some bets and I-'_

 _'What?!'_

 _'It...I thought...I lost, I lost some but, but it's ok cause I'm gonna get it back ok? We can still do the third round'_

 _She feels sick. Thinks she might actually be sick. This can't be real because what he's saying is outrageous. It makes no sense. It's not him. He wouldn't do this '...what?'_

 _'I'm gonna get it back'_

 _She feels like she's in a tunnel. She suddenly can't hear him. See him. She blinks._

 _'Baby' His hands are on her now._

 _'You, you're lying. What's really happened?'_

 _'I'm not lying!'_

 _'You wouldn't do that!'_

 _'...I, I thought it was a sure thing and...' He shrugs._

 _'...you've gambled it all...all of it?'_

 _'It's temporary-'_

 _'It's not fucking temporary Lucas!...we...the house...the kids...the...' She feels like she can't breathe._

 _'I'm gonna sort it'_

 _..._

'Was there a reason for his sudden gambling habit?'

Peyton exhales heavily. Wrings her hands together. '...I...we had a lot of problems getting pregnant...Sawyer came along quickly but I, I developed preeclampsia' She purses her lips together. 'The day she was born I, I had a fit and there was blood clotting. They had to perform an emergency c section and I, some of my organs were failing. They put me in a coma. It was a bit touch and go'

'That sounds very scary'

'I...I mean the lead up to her birth was for me but I don't remember any of the real scary stuff. It was most scary for Luke'

'But you pulled through'

'Yes'

'Was your pregnancy with Roewyn as difficult?'

'We tried for a while. We had a couple of miscarriages before we got pregnant with her. I was put on bed rest because of everything that happened with Sawyer and thankfully everything was the polar opposite. It went smoothly'

'But then you were trying for a third?'

'We tried for a good while naturally but it...it didn't happen for us and then I was diagnosed with PCOS. I, I dunno if you-'

'I'm familiar' The counsellor murmurs.

'So I, even if I got pregnant it, it was making my chances of staying pregnant less than good...I had two miscarriages before we were encouraged to try IVF...' Her head is pounding as she recalls the details of their infertility woes. 'It worked first time but it was an ectopic pregnancy and then, then we tried again and it..it worked. Everything was normal until... It was apparently just bad luck'

...

 _'Luke?'_

 _'I'm here' He leaps up right and grapples for her hand. 'I'm right here'_

 _'What...where?'_

 _'You're in the hospital' He exhales. He's so not ready for this conversation but god seeing her alert eases the knot in his belly because he's been terrified those green eyes weren't going to open again despite all the Doctor's assurances. 'How do you feel?'_

 _'...weird'_

 _He reaches over her and presses a button on the wall to summon medical assistance because now that she's conscious he wants her assessed again._

 _'Do you remember what happened?'_ _She closes her eyes. 'Can you not close your eyes right now' They flutter back open. 'Sorry I just, you, you've been unconscious and it scared the shit out of me and-'_

 _'The girls?'_

 _'Are with Hales and Nate. I spoke to them a little while ago. They're ok'_

 _'I...I was doing Roe's hair...I don't remember what else'_

 _'The most important thing is you're ok'_

 _'...and the baby is ok' He knows she knows. Knows because it's taken her too long to ask. He knows her. Knows the first thought would've been the baby._

 _'Peyton' He breathes out her name as he shakes his head. Wills the lump in the back of his throat to go away._

 _'And the baby is ok' She pleads._ _He says nothing. Rests his forehead to hers. Can't verbally tell her no._ _'It's going to be ok' He whispers but her hands are busy blindly investigating her belly._ _He slowly eases back, his eyes glazing over as he watches her fingers scramble beneath the sheets._ _'There was a lot of blood. The doctors couldn't find a heartbeat' he confesses softly._

 _'They can be wrong'_

 _'They spent a long time looking sweetheart' His hand coasts over where hers is settled on her swollen stomach._

 _'Mrs Scott, it's good to see you alert' The Doctor's voice interrupts gently. Lucas hastily wipes the tear from his cheek and carefully regards Peyton. Her eyes are hard. 'How're you feeling?'_

 _'Just dandy' Lucas cringes and finds the Doctor's apologetic stare._

 _'I'm sorry. I know this is an extremely difficult time-'_

 _'I want an ultrasound-'_

 _'Peyton' Lucas expels._

 _'We can do that' The Doctor placates._

 _'Baby that's not going to help I just told-'_

 _'I didn't see it'_

 _'Ok' He answers her hard stare. Relents in all of a heartbeat 'Ok'_

 _'_ _Have you got any pain right now?' Lucas turns his attention back to the questioning Doctor that's looking over the chart at the end of her bed._

 _'...no'_

 _'Good. Right, well I'll get a_ _sonographer to come in and then after we can_ _discuss the next steps'_

 _'Steps' She utters._

 _'We'll need to induce you'_

 _Lucas's hold on her hand tightens. 'What? Can't she have a procedure to...'_

 _'The size of the foetus is too big at this stage. I know this is extremely difficult but it's best if this can be done naturally...I'm going to give you two a moment'_

 _Lucas frowns. He's irritated by the Doctor's somewhat matter of fact announcement and then disappearance because he has questions. Many. And he doesn't want to go through having to watch her despairingly see that there's indeed no heartbeat, that's bad enough but now he's going to have to watch her go through labour too._

 _'...I, I didn't feel any kicking today...I didn't even notice. I...I should've noticed. I should've come here straight away and-'_

 _'You couldn't have stopped this'_

 _'You don't know that. I should've known'_

 _'You couldn't have known. All that matters is you're ok-'_

 _'Is it?'_

 _'Yes' he kisses her head._ _'.._ _I thought I was going to lose you. I thought...when I walked into our bedroom I thought you were gone. Of course I'm devastated but for an hour I thought you weren't coming back to me. So right now all I can focus on is the relief._ _You don't get to go anywhere without me'_

 _..._

'I lost the...it...I lost that baby' Peyton whispers. 'When I was 22 weeks I, I collapsed' She shrugs. 'And it, it was like from there on in I...I know everything started to fall apart there...' Her voice is barely audible. '...I know I...I know I was difficult...I feel like such an idiot...I feel like I...I think it is my fault' She nods. 'I know it is...'

'Your fault that you lost the baby?'

'...no, well that's my body's fault...'

'Your fault that Lucas betrayed you?'

Peyton closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. '...yes'

...

 _She blinks into the dim light. Senses him lurking. Isn't surprised to find him sitting on the bed. 'Did I wake you?'_

 _'No. I wasn't asleep'_

 _'You manage to get some sleep?'_

 _'A little' She answers groggily._

 _'That's good. I bought you a tea and some water. Are you hungry?'_

 _'Thanks. No' She shifts upright and he helpfully arranges a couple of pillows behind her as she reaches for the mug. He soon takes over the task. Jumps to his feet lifting the warm beverage for her._

 _'I can move Luke'_

 _'I know' He nods as he carefully issues her with the drink._

 _'Thank you. Where're the girls?'_

 _'Mum still has them'_

 _'We should get them'_

 _'I asked her to have them for one more night'_

 _'She doesn't need to do that'_

 _'She wants to but if you want them I'll go get them?'_

 _'I can, it'll do me good to get out, I can't stay in bed forever'_

 _'Ok. We'll go get them' He nods. '...Are you sure you're ready? The Doctor said you need to rest. Mum really is fine having them-'_

 _'Can you stop'_

 _'What?'_

 _'I know you're just being sweet but I'm fine and you acting otherwise isn't helpful' She takes a sip of her tea. 'A ten minute drive down the road is hardly overdoing it'_

 _He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. '...I'm sorry...I'm not fine though so I don't see how you can be'_

 _She closes her eyes. Last time she miscarried she'd found him in the bathroom crying forty eight hours later. Had sunk down onto the floor with him. Arms latching round him. Had cried with him. Told him she loved him. Those words don't come this time though. This isn't like that. This feels completely different. This was different. He'd had little arms and legs. He was a he. The hope she'd managed to summon back then is gone. Hope was a dangerous thing and she'd got wrapped up in it. Allowed herself to think this time could be different._

 _'Baby' He confiscates her tea then and sets it back on the bedside table._

 _'What're you..' She trails off because he's laying down beside her, arms snaking around her._

 _'Let me hold you for a while'_ _She sighs._ _'Do you hurt?'_

 _'I'm fine' She answers tersely._

 _'You're not fine. You gave birth not even forty eight hours ago'_

...

'Your behaviour isn't excuse enough for his actions Peyton'

'...you don't know how difficult I was...have been...I...I should've gotten over it quicker...we stopped...I was barely letting him touch me when he...'

'Your sexual relationship was strained' It's not a question.

Peyton presses her lips together. '...I, that, us...that has never been a problem for us' She whispers. '...but I didn't want...I didn't want...that'

...

 _'How was your appointment?' He's hovering by the kitchen island. She doesn't answer. He's not liking this new habit. The one where he's constantly ignored. 'Peyton?'_

 _'Alright'_

 _'Everything is ok?'_

 _'...Yes'_

 _He approaches her. She's before the stove. He stands behind her. Hands rub up and down her upper arms. 'That's good hey?' He hums. He's nod blind to her stiffening. Tells himself he's imagining it._ _'So we have the all clear?'_

 _Her eyes trail up from the pasta she's stirring. She shrugs out of his hold and regards him. 'Is that seriously all you fucking think about?' He's confused._

 _'What?' She sighs. Shakes her head and returns her stare to the dinner. 'Hey' He reaches round her and turns the heat off on the hob and twists her back to him. 'Don't ignore me'_

 _'I'm making dinner'_

 _'It's done. You're avoiding me'_

 _'I'm not fucking avoiding you-'_

 _'No? What was that?'_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'No? Cause it felt like you just snapped at me for a question that isn't that inappropriate. Jesus Peyton, don't make me feel guilty for wanting you, for wanting to be close to you'_

 _'I'm not-'_

 _'Well from over here that's exactly how it feels. I'm not a mind reader. What's the matter?'_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'Yes there is'_

 _'I've lost a child Lucas! I'm sorry that I'm not exactly feeling like myself'_

 _'We've lost a child. We'_

 _'I know'_

 _'Do you?!' He growls. 'Why're you pushing me away?'_

 _'I'm not' She brushes past him then, snatching her arms out of his hold. She goes about getting some plates out. 'Can you go tell the girls this is ready-'_

 _'Wait-'_

 _'It's going to get cold'_

 _After she'd had a similar appointment with her gynaecologist after having Roewyn she'd come running into his study and sat herself in his lap. Had told him she'd been given the all clear. Had told him how much she missed him. Had insisted they didn't waste another moment. He'd slowed her down. Cooed that they should go slow because it was likely to be different to the first time after Sawyer. She'd had an emergency cesarean back then and whilst the recovery had been longer he'd been uncertain as to whether it would be different for her having given birth naturally. He'd not been wrong._

 _He thinks perhaps he's being insensitive. Wonders if she's not wrong to be disgruntled by his question. She's made him feel like a jackass when the reality is all he wants is to make her feel better. When they were like that together it always made everything better. At least he thought it had. It always made him feel like he was looking after her, always made him feel close to her._

 _He backs off. Doesn't dare try anything considering her reaction to him breaching the subject before. But he's frustrated because he's not had her in over 3 months now. It's a record. A record he's not keen on keeping. 'Let me' He hums. It's been nearly three weeks since she's been given the go ahead by her Doctor. He takes over the task of removing her necklace._

 _'Thanks'_

 _He might not have been pushy in his desire for her but she's not oblivious to his efforts. Flowers have been bought. Dinners have been made. He's gone the extra mile and run baths for her and insisted upon putting the girls to bed single handedly so she can get five minutes to herself. In her mind it's all been leading to this and she's pissed off. Pissed off because she feels like she's being manipulated. She's pissed off because she's decided he's being so god damn sweet because he wants to get laid. Deep, deep down she knows that's not the case but it's easier to be angry at him than it is to try and understand why she doesn't want his hands on her right now._

 _'You're so hot in this' She finds his stare in the mirror before them. He tries to read her expression. It's somewhat blank. He's use to a coy smile. Use to her leaning back into him, murmuring a questioning yeah? to which he'd hum so hot._

 _'I need to go say goodnight to the girls'_

 _'They're asleep' He halts her get away, his hands have found her hips and he draws her back into his chest. She'd used that excuse the other night so he's been diligent in ensuring their children don't need her attention. She closes her eyes because he's flush against her and with the sink in front of her she's trapped. She wants to flee. Wants to push his wandering fingers off of her. He kisses her shoulder. He inhales her perfume. Nuzzles his nose in the spot where her shoulder meets her neck. 'You smell so good' His eyes skitter back to the reflection before them. His hand finds her chin, coaxes her face to tilt back. She conforms. He kisses her and she doesn't pull away. Kisses him back. He's kissed her hello and goodbye in recent weeks. Chaste kisses. Kisses that are nothing like these kisses. He misses these kisses. These kisses that are for behind closed doors only._ _'I want you. I want you so fucking much' He pants and pulls her completely around. She knows. Looks into his urgent eyes. 'What?' He can't read her. He hates that. It's foreign. Everything about her has been foreign lately. 'What is it?'_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'You don't want to?'_

 _She pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. 'We can'_

 _'Yeah? Are you worried it's going to hurt like after Roe?' She doesn't say anything. 'You had so many stitches then...' He trails off because she's grimacing. 'Baby come on, I'm not a bloody mind reader. Can you please tell me what you're thinking?'_

 _'I'm not thinking anything' She takes his hand and takes the lead._

 _'Peyton-'_

 _'I'm fine' She's reached their bed now and turns to him almost a little determinedly. He opens his mouth but her lips cut off whatever words were on the tip of his tongue._

 _She's master of him. Has long been practiced in what he does and doesn't like. Knows how to get him going. Knows exactly. Not that it takes much. Especially right now. So much so that he's soon pushing her back onto the bed behind her. Soon rid her of her clothes. Soon rocking into her. His eyes tentatively lock with hers. A hand strokes over her cheek._

 _'Does it hurt?' He swallows, studies her face intently. The first time they'd been intimate after Roewyn had resulted in him withdrawing as she'd frantically told him to stop. She'd cried for half an hour after declaring that her body was broken forever. He'd cooed over her and told her it would get better. It had much to both of their relief because god living without that part of their relationship felt like being deprived of air. 'Peyton?' This isn't like that though. For more than a couple of reasons._

 _'...it's ok'_

 _'That isn't no it doesn't hurt' He starts to ease back and her legs hastily lock around him._

 _'I'm ok. Don't'_

 _'Baby it's fine. It took a few tries after Roe remember?'_

 _'It's not like that' Her words come out angrier than intended. She can't help it. Her words keep coming out angrier than intended. 'It's not bad' Her followed words are more even. 'I don't need you to stop'_

 _'This isn't enjoyable for me if you're not enjoying it' She sniggers. He frowns. 'What?'_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'It doesn't feel like nothing'_

 _'You've been coercing me into this for weeks'_

 _He hesitates because surely he hasn't heard her correctly_ _'...What?'_

 _'The flowers. Cooking dinner. Putting the girls to bed'_

 _'I'm just being nice!'_

 _'Sure you are. Just get on with it please'_

 _'What?' His frown deepens. He actually feels sick. He's never felt like this before. He suddenly feels like she's just doing this to appease him and god he doesn't want that. That's the last thing he ever wants and the last thing he thought she'd ever do. 'What's wrong with you?'_

 _'Nothing is wrong with me'_

 _'Right well I don't wanna do this with you when you're not into it which clearly you're not' He tugs at her legs that are locked round him and she hisses as he withdraws._

 _He rolls onto his side away from from her._

 _She sighs. Looks up at the ceiling for a long minute. '...I'm sorry' She eventually whispers._

 _'What have I done to upset you?'_

 _'Nothing'_

 _'No? Nothing I do is right at the minute. You're not the only one that's hurting and god I need you. I just want to feel close to you, it feels like there's this huge gap between us right now'_

 _'...I know' He rolls over to face her. She's still staring up at the ceiling. '...I need you to stop fussing'_

 _'Fussing'_

 _'You ask me if I'm ok every five fucking seconds-'_

 _'You've not spoken more than a few words to me in days. It's like pulling teeth!'_

 _'I'm just trying to focus on the girls right now-'_

 _'Right. And that's fine but I'm still here too!...don't you think I'm feeling everything you are?' She chews on the inside of her cheek. 'He'd be due this week-'_

 _'Don't'_

 _He exhales heavily. 'Are you just wanting to pretend none of this happened?-'_

 _'That's not what I'm..'_

 _'No? You don't want to talk about it. I mention him and it's wrong. I try and comfort you and it's wrong!'_

 _'Don't yell at me'_

 _'Just, I just want you to talk to me! At least I'm trying! I'm trying to god damn be there for you, to help you, because I love you! What're you doing to help me?' Her eyes skitter to him as his voice wavers. 'I love you and you're making me feel like a fucking dickhead for it'_

 _'...you're not a dickhead...' She sighs. '...I'm sorry'_

 _'Why're you pushing me away? This isn't how we get through shit. We can get through anything together' As much as he hates her tears he wishes she'd fall apart. Is accustomed to her clinging to him and requesting he hold her._

 _'...I, I'm just not...' She sighs._

 _'You're not what?' He implores. '...I know you're not ok, I'm not asking you to be ok I'm just asking you not to block me out' He cups her face. 'I can't bear you hating me'_

 _'I don't hate you. Don't be fucking stupid'_

 _'Baby' His hand drifts over her cheek and she stops herself from batting it away. 'I'm right here. I've always got you'_

 _'...I know' She whispers. 'I just want you to treat me normally'_

 _'Yeah? I was just trying that and you...god I never what you to have sex with me to shut me up or because you feel like you have to. I never want this to be that'_

 _'...you want me'_

 _'Always. But I, I'm just desperately trying to get you to let me in. You, you feel so out of reach right now. I just thought if we...I just wanted to make you feel better. That's all I want...'_

 _'...I'm sorry..._ _I don't know why I don't want to but I...don't'_

 _He nods because it's honesty and he craves it. 'And that's ok'_

 _'It's not ok. I'm sorry' She whispers._

 _'It is ok...baby you're gonna feel better...this will happen for us eventually. It just wasn't meant to be this time'_

 _She blinks. The wall is back up. She's back to looking up at the ceiling and he knows he's said the wrong thing. Mentioning their loss is seemingly always the wrong move. He holds her tighter because it feels like she's falling through his fingers yet again and he doesn't know how to pull her back._

...

'It sounds as though you've been struggling with depression. Do you think perhaps that's the case?'

'...I doubt anyone feels hunky dory after having to give birth to their dead child' Peyton mutters.

'No. I think your feelings of grief and despair are more than understandable. Don't you? Sometimes we need help with getting back on our feet and there's no shame in that'

'...he, he tried to help me...I don't know why I've been so, so mad at him...I mean I, I know I have reason to be now but back then...'

'When we're unwell our thoughts aren't always the most rational. Lucas was the closest person to you, the only person that could understand what you were feeling but perhaps him not feeling exactly as you were fuelled your frustration with him' The counsellor suggests. 'Did you feel as though perhaps he couldn't understand what you were feeling?'

'How could he?...I know it, I know it was his child too but he didn't feel...' Her hand unconsciously finds her belly. '...I'm a bitch'

'No, you're a mother that's lost a child. I think you've been through a number of traumatic events in the last few years that you're yet to come to terms with' Peyton looks down. Exhales heavily. 'Do you think perhaps you've been feeling a lot worse than Lucas has even realised?'

'...he knew...he's been trying to get me to...' She closes her eyes. 'He's been asking me to talk to someone for ages'

'Does he know you are now?'

'...no'

'Why do you think you haven't told him that?'

'...I don't know...because it, it's admitting I'm...'

'You're?'

'...that it's my fault'

'You seem to have a lot of self blame for things that have been out of your control, choices that have been out of your control. Your PCOS is not your fault. Every miscarriage you've suffered has not been your fault. Losing the baby was not your fault. Lucas's choice to gamble may have been fuelled by his desire to try and help you but it ultimately was a choice he made. As was his decision to sleep with his editor. You're not at fault'

...

 _'I...I think maybe I need a break'_

 _'Ok I...I'll ask Mum and Nate, they'll lend us some money and we can just-'_

 _'Not a fucking holiday Lucas!' She exclaims because she's confused as to how his mind has gone there with all their current money woes. 'A break from you!'_

 _'What?'_

 _'You're, it, it's too much! I can't handle this shit right now!-'_

 _'I did it for you!-'_

 _'For me?! What part of this is for me?!'_

 _'You wanted this house. You want another baby-'_

 _'We wanted this house! We were in the position to have this house! We wanted another baby but that doesn't give you the fucking green light to gamble everything away-'_

 _'I can get it back and we can do another round of IVF-'_

 _'You can get it back?! By gambling some more right?'_

 _'It, it...' He trails off because her eyes are wild._

 _'...I wanted another child' She nods. 'But I've never, I never put pressure on you! If anything I asked you a billion times about our finances and doing this again! I asked you!' Her hands are in her hair. 'I want you to go to your Mum's for a while. I need a break'_

...

'I told him I wanted to go on a break'

'Because you were struggling and had a blazing row one night does not condone his decision to be unfaithful to you'

Peyton blinks. '...no' Agrees. '...but he, he's not invincible... '

'No he's not. But you cannot blame yourself for his choices. He's betrayed your trust in more than a couple of ways. The gambling alone would be enough to leave you feeling deceived'

'I, I feel like I should've known what was going on with our money. I, I shouldn't have relied on him keeping me in the loop. It, it was just something he sort of took charge of and I let him. He, he was the sole earner for a while and definitely the more regular earner anyway'

'You were in a trusting relationship. You trusted him. I hardly think it's wrong for you to have trusted him in confiding in you'

'...I know he, he gambled everything away because he was trying to make me happy. As bloody insane as it was it was for me. I know him, I know that's what he was doing. He was trying to fund another round of IVF because he thought that would miraculously fix me' Her voice wavers.

'And that leaves you feeling conflicted because some of his mistakes were motivated by his desire to please you'

'...yes'

'You can rebuild that trust but it's not going to happen overnight'

'I feel like such an idiot... if I'd just been n-normal...'

'Would you hold someone accountable for getting cancer?'

'What?' She's frowning now.

'Depression is an illness Peyton'

'You don't know that I've had...that...you can't say that about anyone that's felt a bit down for while-'

'This hasn't been for a short while though has it?'

'...I thought we, we were so solid...he lied to me so much about so many different things and I know he spiralled down this rabbit hole all because he was trying to protect me and make things better for me but you don't do that! Who does that? You don't lie about money and, and make big decisions like that without the other person!' She shakes her head because she truly doesn't understand. Even now. She understands that he was trying to get them pregnant but she doesn't understand his logic. Because her husband has always been the sensible, rational one. Well, especially when it came to their finances. 'I hate myself but I hate him just as much...I had everything and now I...I feel like I've lost the life I always dreamt of and it...' Her eyes are welling. She blinks furiously. The counsellor wordlessly hands her a tissue. 'I don't know how to...to live without him'

...

 _She's in the kitchen. She's sat at the table. She's like a statue._

 _She stares at him hard. The lump in the back of his throat is unbearable. The knot in his stomach has him taking a deep breath. He's sure she knows because her expression is unnerving._

 _He licks his lips. His heart is breaking. He can feel his eyes glazing over because god she's beautiful. She's his. His wife. And he's terrified that he's going to lose her._

 _'Where were you?!' Her abrupt screech has him shuddering._

 _He swallows. She's already mad. She knows. She knows him so completely. She has to know. '...I-'_

 _'Where's my debit card?'_ _Her question has his brow furrowing. She doesn't know. He blinks. 'Where. Is. It?' Her chair scrapes on the hard wood floor as she stands._

 _He hastily fumbles in his pocket. 'I didn't use it, I swear-'_

 _She snatches it and brandishes it in front of him madly. 'Oh thank you for not stealing MY money'_

 _'Ours'_ _She snorts because he doesn't get to throw that in her face when he's not once considered her in any choice he's made financially._

 _'Oh it's ours now is it?! Now we have nothing!'_

 _'I didn't use your card. I swear!-'_

 _'You heard me on the phone to my Dad didn't you? You knew he'd put money in my account and you-'_

 _'I was going to, to try to- I didn't though. I didn't. Baby I just wanted to get everything back!'_

 _'By gambling away even more?! We have nothing Lucas! Nothing!'_

 _'I didn't. I swear I didn't, you can check'_

 _She swallows thickly. Her hand is over her mouth all of a sudden. His hands reach for her and then fall back to his sides._

 _'...where were you?_ _' Her voice is small and broken when she speaks again. Her hand has lowered, her eyes glassy._

 _'You said you wanted a break'_

 _'..._ _I was angry'_

 _'You didn't mean any of it?'_

 _'...I meant some of it...a lot of it...you need to get help Luke' Her voice wavers. 'This, this isn't normal'_

 _'I know' A tear races down his cheek then._

 _'So you, you'll get help?'_

 _'I, I_ _did something stupid-_ _-'_

 _'I'm asking you to do this for me! You can't just expect me to get over this like that' She snaps her fingers. 'I'm just instantly meant to trust you again because you fessed up?! Only I might add after I caught you red handed. If I hadn't cottoned on I'm not sure I'd still be any the wiser-'_

 _'I'm not talking about money. I did something stupid last night...' He can't keep this from her. Won't. He's kept one too many a thing from her. It'll eat him up from the inside if he doesn't confess. It already is. 'I don't want to lie to you...' He swallows thickly._ _Her eyes narrow._ _'I...I...I drank a lot last night and, and well after our row I, I was upset...' She's silent. He's sure her green eyes have never looked bigger. The words get stuck in the back of his throat._

 _'...Lucas'_

 _He looks down. He's a coward. He can't look at her as he says it._ _'...I slept with Lindsey' She stares at him. He waits five painstaking seconds before he summons the courage to let his gaze lift. The look on her face is one he's never seen._

 _'...that's not funny'_

 _He purses his lips together. He inhales sharply. 'I, I'm not joking' His voice is hoarse. Her face crumples._

 _'You wouldn't do that' She breathes out._

 _'I, it meant nothing, nothing. Ok?'_

 _A noise sounds from the back of her throat because he's not taking it back. Her nostrils flare. Her hand flails out in search of the wall._

 _'Peyton' Her eerie silence ends when he touches her._

 _'Don't touch me' She bats at his reaching hands._

 _'It meant nothing baby-'_

 _'Get out-'_

 _'I was just so, so drunk and so, so mad. The things we said last night, what you said and I, she was just-'_

 _'Get out-'_

 _'She was there and it just, you've not-'_

 _'Fuck. You' He reaches out to touch her again but she hits him away. 'Don't fucking touch me!'_

 _'Stop just, just let me explain!'_

 _'You've explained plenty! I think I'm going to be sick'_

 _'It meant nothing'_

 _'Oh, ok then. That's ok then'_

 _'I know it's not ok. I, I just need to explain-'_

 _'Just fucking go'_

 _'Shh the girls will hear-'_

 _'GET OUT' She shrieks loudly. It pierces through him. Silences him. He's never heard her yell like that. Never seen the expression on her face._

 _'Mummy?!' Roewyn is suddenly present. She's crying but Peyton can't hear. She's never felt like this. Everything is fuzzy. Her child's cries aren't even breaking through the hazy spell she's under._

 _'It's ok Roe' Lucas is consoling her._

 _She watches him. Watches him affectionately touch their daughter. Soothe her. Do everything she's seemingly incapable of doing right now and then she's thinking about where those hands have been. Who they've touched and she can't bear it. She marches out into the hall._

 _'Peyton' Lucas frantically hollers. 'Roe stay here ok? Me and Mummy just need to talk a minute' He's already following his wife. 'Where're you going, wait a sec' He's predetermining her departure. He locates her car keys on the side table, snatches them up as her arms go into her coat jacket._

 _'Mum where're you going?' Sawyer is standing on the stairs. Like her sister she too is unsettled by the screeched words that have sounded from her mother in the last ten minutes. 'Mum?' She enquires nervously._

 _'I have to go out' She shortly answers._

 _'Don't go!' Roewyn cries dramatically, unable to follow her father's request she has appeared in the hallway. Despite her young age she knows all isn't well and she's not use to this. She's not use to these kinds of confrontations. Her parents argue sure but this is different and she doesn't like different._

 _'You can come with me if you want. Put your coat on'_

 _Both children blink. Eyes darting between their parents._

 _'Peyton' His hand is on her again and she yanks her arm free._

 _'Touch me again and so help me' She barks. 'Give me my keys-'_

 _'I want to talk about this-'_

 _'I don't give a fuck what you want!' She spits. She catches sight of her daughter's wobbling bottom lip and hates herself in that moment because this isn't her. It was one of their few rules. No cursing in front of the kids. Argue behind closed doors. But her rage is over powering and her heart is breaking._

 _'Go with your Mum girls' He surrenders her keys because like her he doesn't want them witnessing another moment of this._

...

'I've not spoken to Lucas but considering how you describe this behaviour as being so out of character for him I don't think it's wrong to assume he too has been struggling in the aftermath of your loss-'

'Because of me! If I'd not been...'

'Maybe you're right, maybe not. But look at it this way. Imagine it had been the other way round. Consider if Lucas had been struggling in the way you have been and it was you trying to make things better for him. Do you see yourself taking such extreme actions? Taking money that's both of yours to try and fix a problem?'

'...no'

'Right. It's not the most rational behaviour and from what you've described of Lucas I think you'd say there's no way he'd have done that at one point. Even if you'd not been struggling to cope in the way you have been if he'd been finding it hard to process everything there's the possibility he could have done exactly the same things regardless of you'

Peyton frowns. '...but I know he needed me' She mumbles. 'He's needed me and if he'd just had me...'

'And that's all you can take responsibility for. That you feel as though you've let him down by not being there in the way you wish you could've been. You can't take responsibility for the choices he's made. Only he can do that...'

'...I feel so guilty and yet I...hate him so much too. I don't know how to not be angry at him'

'You've been hurt. Those wounds don't heal just like that and it's more complex because you're not just trying to process betrayal are you? You've lost. You've suffered miscarriages and a still birth'

'It happened a good while ago now'

'Time only heals when we work through things...Every miscarriage has been a loss for you. A life that you've had dreams wrapped up in. That's hard to come to terms with alone but you also have this tremendous guilt that you're to blame. You feel anger towards your body. You feel like you've let Lucas down. You also feel let down by him. We're only human Peyton. We can only compute so many things at once'

...

 _'Where're the girls?'_

 _'At Brooke's' She answers through her teeth._

 _'Right. Good, ok' He nods. '...Thank you for coming back I-'_

 _'I want you to go to your Mum's' She clears her throat. 'I'm going to stay at B's tonight and when I get back tomorrow with the girls I want you gone-'_

 _'Peyton' He hurries after her as she ascends the stairs. 'Don't do this. Please, I'm so sorry. So sorry'_

 _She's like a tornado._ _She's in their bedroom now and fights the sudden urge to start sending his belongings flying out the window. She flexes her twitching hands and concentrates on finding herself a bag to stow away a few essentials for her and the girls for the night._

 _'Can you stop a sec, we have to talk about this-'_

 _'I'm getting my stuff and going back to Brooke's. Nothing more needs to be said'_

 _He licks his lips. 'So, so I'll go to Mum's for a couple of days and then I'll come back and we'll talk properly right?'_

 _She looks up at him then. 'You're not coming back here'_

 _'Peyton come on, I, I know this is awful but it, it meant nothing. It was one night-'_

 _'One night!' She incredulously repeats. 'Oh I'm sorry, of course that's ok then. Sorry honey I thought you meant it was an ongoing fling, if it was just one night' She bats her hand. 'Who cares'_

 _'I can't feel any worse than I do right now ok-'_

 _'You can't feel any worse?' She throws her bag onto the bed. 'What about me?!'_

 _'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Look I, I didn't have to tell you-'_

 _'You want a fucking medal for being honest?! Fuck you' She makes her way into the bathroom then and begins rummaging through the contents of the cupboards mindlessly. She's come in here for something but can't remember what; her brain can't seem to focus on anything._

 _'I've told you because I love you! I've told you because I don't want to keep anything from you-'_

 _'Funny!' She sniggers. 'Just the fact you've stolen money! You're all too happy to lie to me about our finances! All too happy to gamble away everything we have'_

 _'I promised no more lies'_

 _'You made that promise ten years ago and seemingly it didn't mean a thing'_

 _His eyes narrow as he catches sight of something in her cupboard of toiletries that distracts him. '...why do you have pregnancy tests?' She slams the door of the cupboard and he side steps in front of her before she can flee._

 _'Move-'_

 _'Answer me' She doesn't and he backs her into the sink behind her. 'Are you pregnant?' She doesn't say anything. His hand is suddenly on her belly. His brow furrowed. 'You're pregnant?' She sees the hope and she'd have felt guilty for toying with him if she didn't hate him so much. She's surprised he's hopeful. Surprised he's not panicking because lord knows he should be._

 _'...No' She eventually murmurs._

 _His eyes skitter back up to her face. 'Why the tests then?' He knows she doesn't keep a staple supply of pregnancy tests because it'd just be tormenting. Knows she only ever buys for one reason; she thought she was pregnant._

 _'It was just a scare'_

 _'A scare' He repeats because describing it like that leaves a bad taste in his mouth. It's ironic considering their desire for a third child. 'When?'_

 _'I'm not so it doesn't fucking matter does it? Move-'_

 _'Why am I just learning this now?!'_

 _'You've not exactly been here to talk to have you?!' She cries. 'Move-'_

 _'When?'_

 _'Move'_

 _'When did you think you were?'_

 _'Last month' She expels irritatedly. 'Move'_

 _'What the hell Peyton' He's pissed. More than pissed because she's meant to tell him stuff like this. They're meant to be in stuff like this together but she's seemingly gone about it all by herself. But he doesn't have the right to be pissed. He acknowledges that but he's too angry. 'Why wouldn't you tell me?!'_

 _'Maybe because I didn't want to cause you any stress! Maybe because at the time I'd just found out you were gambling away our livelihood and I thought it might just fuel you to continue to do so! Maybe because I shouldn't have to! You use to know when my period was due better than I did-'_

 _'Well when we're not having sex it's harder to keep track' He thoughtlessly exhales. There's literally been one occasion that could be responsible for this "scare" as she's deemed it._

 _She shoves her hand into his chest then. '...it's a good job you have Lindsey seeing to your needs isn't it' She storms past him. He follows._

 _'Don't make it sound like it's an ongoing thing- one night! One time! You should've told me about this-'_

 _'And you should've told me a billion things! I'm not so it's not a big deal, you don't need to start fretting about how we're going to take care of it-'_

 _'What the hell are you talking about?!' He doesn't like her implication one bit 'Don't suddenly act like you don't want another one!'_

 _She snorts then. 'Before! Before I knew all this shit! Before when I could rely on you, when I thought I had a husband that loved me!-'_

 _'I do love you!'_

 _She nods in mock understanding. 'Like I'd want to bring another child into this nightmare! I think the two we have are traumatised enough as it is right now-'_

 _'Peyton-'_

 _'I don't know why we're even discussing this! There is no baby'_

 _'There could be. We've not tried in ages! We could try again' He's clutching at straws. As soon as it leaves his lips his brain catches up. He grimaces at the death glare he's on the receiving end of._

 _'You've just told me you've had an affair and you're proposing trying for a baby?! Really?!'_

 _They're in Sawyer's room now. She locates the eleven year old's pyjamas and rifles through the chest of draws for a change of clothes. 'Maybe, maybe it, it would be good for us-'_

 _'Just stop! Can you hear yourself right now? Because you sound insane!'_

 _He's well aware but he's clinging onto anything right now. Wishes she was pregnant. Wants her to be trapped with him. Wants her to need him 'You want another one-'_

 _'Did! I sure as hell don't want that now-'_

 _'That doesn't change over night-'_

 _'It does when you realise your husband is a cheating ass'_

 _'I know you're rightly mad but, but maybe this is when our problems started-'_

 _'Our problems?! YOUR problems have shit all to do with me'_

 _He hurries after her. She's possessed and with every step she makes he feels her getting further and further out of reach. 'Please just stop a minute'_

 _They're in their youngest daughter's bedroom now._

 _'Tell me what you want me to do to fix this' He begs._

 _'I've told you what I want you to do! LEAVE'_

 _'Leaving isn't going to fix this-'_

 _'You're right it's not! Nothing can fix this-'_

 _'Don't say that. This is our marriage. This is forever-'_

 _'Is it? I think the fact you were fucking someone else last night doesn't exactly suggest you want forever with me-'_

 _'It was a mistake! You're all I want. You're my life Peyton! You vowed forever to me-'_

 _'And you vowed to be faithful! You're the one that's broken those vows! Not me...It's over' She whispers._

 _He shakes his head. 'We can get through this, we can-'_

 _'I don't want to!' Her shrill cry is almost feral. He freezes. His hands raise in surrender. 'How could you do that to me?!' Her sob has a tear racing down her cheek. He doesn't know what to say. Is at a loss as to what he can say._

 _'I'm so sorry-'_

 _'It's over! Fuck you!' Her face has gone scarlet. 'Fuck you!'_

...

'I've fucked everyone's life up. M-my k-kids...my, my br-brother and s-sister-in-law f-feel guilty for being f-fucking pregnant! Be-because of me! My D-Dad is so dis-disappointed! My b-best friend has h-had to deal with me being a psy-psycho...Karen, Karen is s-so worried a-all the time, I kn-know she is...Luke' She pinches the bridge of her nose.

'Last week you were considering not coming back here today Peyton. Last week you didn't want to share your story. What you've told me today is a big deal. Be proud of yourself for being honest. I'm sure you're going to feel drained after this session but don't lose sight of how brave you've been. This is the first step. We can work through everything you've shared. You've not fucked up anyone's life. All those people you just mentioned love you and I can tell by how concerned you are about the affect you've had on their lives that you love them too'

'Y-you, you think I can, can get back who...who I was?' She shudders, accepts the tissue being handed to her.

'You've not lost who you are honey. You just need to learn new ways of coping with things that have gone on in your life. Do you think it's fair to say you've just tried to brush aside big life events instead of perhaps facing them head on?' Peyton swallows. '...but it's hard to just carry on isn't it?'

'...I've not done a very good job of it' She whispers.

'Everything's come to a head and I think you've realised that this isn't something you can just brush under the rug so to speak. It's not going away'

'No' She agrees quietly. 'I, I know I'm not ok... I do know that...'

'I can help you learn better ways of coping and hopefully in doing so you'll be able to figure out what it is you'd like to happen in regards to your marriage. Later down the line Lucas can come in too and we can do some sessions with the both of you. Whether you stay together or not I really think it'd be beneficial for the both of you in order to move forward...what do you think?'

She sniffles. Chews the inside of her cheek before nodding slowly. 'Ok'


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Sorry for the little longer wait on this :)**

FIFTEEN

'So you think she's helping?' Brooke enquires, her gaze leaving the order form in front of her to fully focus on the blonde.

'In some ways' Peyton murmurs, her hands slowly looking through the rail of clothes before her. 'I guess it's gonna be slow right?'

'Right. I'm so proud of you P'

Peyton bats her hand dismissively. 'This is so pretty' She complements the maxi green dress she's reached.

'Already waiting for you in here' Brooke gestures to a bag sat on the counter top beside her.

Peyton frowns. 'As grateful as I always am you need to stop giving me stuff-'

'Nonsense. You're like my muse. I love how you always pick out what I designed with you in mind...' She opens and closes her mouth before her daring next words. 'You're getting to the point where I'm not gonna be able to dress you anymore though P' Peyton's brow arches. 'I'm not going to let someone wear my clothes if they're advertising an underweight body' Peyton's eyes roll.

'Don't start'

'I've not been badgering you-'

'So continue with that-'

'I'm not gonna keep my mouth shut while you waste away' Brooke is on the same side of the counter as her friend now and shadows her around the shop floor.

'I'm not-'

'I've measured you countless times. I know your body'

'Creepy much?' The blonde jibes with bemusement.

'I'm a designer. I make clothes'

'I'm aware as to what you do B'

'You're not eating enough'

Peyton's amusement swiftly diminishes under her friend's persistent line of enquiry. 'I'm eating just fine. Don't go all Lucas Scott on my ass' She pleads. 'Stop looking me up and down Brooke Penelope Davis. God between you and Luke you make me feel like you think I have some kind of freaking eating disorder' The blonde tries to get more space between them.

'Well you don't have the most healthy relationship with food'

'Seriously?'

'Seriously. When anything stressful is going on you just seem to stop eating-'

'I think losing your appetite isn't unheard of! Loads of people can't stomach food when they're stressed out'

'Ok but this isn't like a couple of weeks of you losing your appetite is it? What've you eaten today?' Brooke interrogates, her gaze averting to her wrist to look at the time. 'It's nearly half 2 and I'm betting all you've had is coffee'

'I've eaten-'

'Don't lie-'

'I've had a busy morning'

'Oh so busy that you couldn't spare minutes to eat even an apple. I'm not bloody blind. You'll eat dinner with the kids but sometimes I bet that's the first bit of food that passes your lips in a day'

'That's not true'

'Sure it's not. Peyton' Brooke expels in frustration.

'I'm fine Brooke'

'You should talk to this therapist about how you are with food because it's not normal'

'Enough'

The brunette sighs. 'Fine. But I'm not gonna drop it indefinitely though. You know I'm not' She sternly notifies. 'So unless you want me to start force feeding you I suggest you try harder. Are we clear?'

'...Crystal' Peyton dryly answers because she wants the topic dropped.

'...what have you been discussing with her?' Brooke diverts their conversation back to the subject of her friend's counselling sessions. 'The counsellor?'

'...We, we've been talking about Finley a lot the last couple of sessions' Peyton divulges.

Brooke is temporarily at a loss for words because she's not heard Peyton refer to the baby in question by his chosen name. She takes her hand. Squeezes. 'That's good honey'

'I guess. It doesn't feel good at the time'

'That's the first time I've heard you say his name'

'I had a baby and I lost him. Pretending that's not the case doesn't make it any less painful'

'No'

'...I'm so sorry B' Peyton's voice wavers suddenly.

'What?'

'I know I've, I've disrupted your life the last few years-'

'Peyton you're my best friend'

'Exactly' She nods. 'And it, it's been so one sided. I'm meant to be there for you but I, I haven't-'

'Yes you have'

'No I haven't because I know if, if you've been upset about anything you've not come to me because you don't wanna put anything on me'

'Oh honey that's not true'

'Yes it is' She whispers. '...Haley told me about your, you, that you had a bit of an emotional breakdown the, the other week' Brooke sighs and walks away abruptly. 'Where're you going?'

'Just locking the shop door. I'd rather we didn't have any customers interrupt us right now'

'Sorry I shouldn't have, have said anything right now'

'Stop with the sorries P' She's locked the shop door and returns to the flustered blonde. 'Honey you're always there for me. I know that. Hales shouldn't have told you that'

'Why?!'

'I was just having a bad week-'

'I want to help you when you're having a bad week B!'

'...I know'

'Why were you having a bad week?'

'...I just, I guess lately I, I've been feeling like maybe I'm not ever going to meet someone and have a family and, and you don't need to hear that right now'

'Of course I do! So I can tell you, you will! B I know you will!'

'Yeah, I know' She disregards with a flippant movement of her hand.

'Honey look at everything you do, are, you're amazing. I could not, not have gotten through the last few years without you' She shakes her head. 'You're gonna have your own babies, you are but until, till that day mine are yours too, you've helped me raise them! They adore you! And I know you're gonna be such an amazing, amazing Mum when that time comes, I'm so sorry I, I'm so insensitive. You have to deal with me acting like a spoilt brat because I wanted one more when I already have two and you're-'

'Stop' Brooke cuts her off. 'You're not insensitive and you're not a brat! Don't dismiss what you've been through! Honey I admit I've perhaps not shared things I'm feeling with you as much but god that's ok'

'It's not ok that you're feeling as though you need to look after me all the time'

'Are you kidding? You're the fucking toughest person I know P. I don't look after you'

'...I just want you to know you can talk to me and that I, I'm trying to, to fix all the shit going on with me'

Brooke rubs her back then and smiles. 'I know...you know what we need? A night out'

'A night out' Peyton's brow kinks.

'Uhuh. Not just us. Like a whole bunch of people. We deserve a night out' Peyton smiles. 'I'll organise something'

'That sounds nice'

'...does Luke know?'

'Know what?'

'About the therapist?'

'No, not yet'

'Are you not gonna tell him?'

Peyton exhales heavily. 'Moira thinks I should'

'I do too'

'Of course you do'

'He's wanted you to do this for a long time. He'll be pleased'

'...mm. You know you're becoming more and more like his biggest advocate'

Brooke sniggers. 'Furthest thing from the truth...but I do sympathise with him a bit. I mean, I know firsthand what it's like to worry about Peyton Scott'

'You don't need to worry about me'

Brooke squints at her. 'Ok. Shutting up now'

'Yes. Shut up and talk about yourself please. I don't want us to talk about me and my shit for the rest of the day. Ok?'

'...fine. Does your shit extend to those cute little munchkins you call your kids cause I'd kinda like to hear about them'

'...we can talk about them' Peyton concedes. 'Although you wouldn't have called Roe cute this morning. She was being a right little so and so'

'Tell me everything'

•••

'Can we talk?'

'Always' He hums. Hope invades him; they've been getting on so well lately and he can't help but allow himself to hope she's going to ask him to come home. Won't ever stop hoping for that.

'...I...I'm...' She looks down, fiddles with her hands. She's definitely got his attention now. She's nervous and her unease instantly brings about his own unease. His farfetched dreams have been snatched in all of an instant because he knows by looking at her that the subject of this talk doesn't involve him moving back into their home. Of course it doesn't.

'Peyton' He's squinting at her, eyes laced with concern 'What is it?'

'...I'm seeing someone'

His relaxed expression is quick to morph. He's misinterpreted her confession.

'What?' She's not looking at him. Doesn't see the panic dancing in his eyes. The rage that is suddenly flooding through his veins is hard to contain 'Look at me' His fingers curling round her wrist together with his bark has her stare jerking up in surprise. She sees what he's thinking.

'Not like that' She rolls her eyes. She doesn't know why she's so quick to confess. 'Like...'

'Spit it out' He's not calm. He's far from calm.

'I mean like a therapist'

The rage diminishes. His eyes soften. Fingers retract from her arm '...oh'

'Yeah'

'Oh' He repeats. Relief washing over his features. His hand scrapes through his hair. '...fuck Peyton' He cringes. 'My fucking heart' His hand dramatically presses to his chest. 'I thought you meant...don't fucking do that to me'

There's a sorry on the tip of her tongue that she stops herself from giving him. Her heart swelling a little with his apparent devastation because of course it feels good because his desperation for her is appealing, how couldn't it be?

'...A therapist?'

'Yes'

'Yeah?'

She nods.'Why would I tell you that if it weren't true?'

'Right' He smiles. '...that's, that's so great'

'Well it, it doesn't feel the greatest' She mumbles.

'How many sessions have you been to?'

'Four'

'Four sessions?' His brow arches because it hurts. Of course it hurts that she's not confided in him sooner.

'Yeah'

'How come you're just telling me now?'

She shrugs. 'Moira said I should tell you'

'Moira said, Moira being the therapist?'

'Yeah. If things are going to be amicable between us I need to communicate with you better and, and I can't expect you to do the same if I'm not being honest with you' She murmurs.

He steps closer to her. Takes her hand. 'It means so much to me. You deciding to do this. I wish you'd told me sooner. I know this will have been really hard for you'

She looks up into his face then. 'It's not the easiest thing' She admits.

'But you think it's helping?'

'I don't really know yet...having somebody else's perspective on things is helpful' She admits.

He wants to tell her she can have his perspective anytime. He wants to give her his perspective. Misses having an input on her thoughts and decisions. 'Do...can, can I come with you to a few?'

'...Moira thinks it'll be good for us to do that at some point' She nods slowly. 'I'm not ready for that yet though'

He smiles. Nods a little too enthusiastically. 'Whenever you want'

'That doesn't mean, I'm not saying, us having counselling together doesn't mean I'm saying we can try and get back together. I just think we both need to get things off our chest and we, we might need a referee because we've not exactly been good at talking about any of this and I know, I know we could benefit from talking about things in order to move forward and come to terms with, with this chapter in our lives ending' He stops himself from telling her that's bullshit despite the urge. She eases her hand out of his and turns away. 'I told Hales I'd host a shower for her and Nate here. I was thinking the weekend of the twenty fourth, is that good with you?'

'Have you just been talking about us with this therapist?'

She shrugs. '...not one thing in particular. Just everything. Is that weekend ok?'

'Yeah, it's fine. You're talking about everything? Absolutely everything?'

'Everything means everything Luke'

'Right, that, that's good' He nods. He has questions. Many questions but senses she's done with this topic and he doesn't want to piss her off. 'You sure you want to do that? The shower' He veers back to the subject of the baby shower.

'I thought it'd be nice to have one last family gathering here' She shrugs.

'Right' He supposes it won't be that awful. 'Wait. Have you found somewhere?'

'No, no' She shakes her head. 'I didn't mean that. I mean I'm hoping I do soon'

'What's happened with the people interested?'

'One couple found somewhere else but the other two are still keen but they've not sold their place yet so they wouldn't be able to go ahead with everything yet anyway'

'That's good. Did you like them?'

'...yeah' She shrugs her shoulders, a small smile on her lips.

'What?'

'Just, does it matter?'

'I guess not. I'd just like to sell it to people that we like'

'I guess it would be a plus'

'Do they have kids?'

'Three, does that meet your requirements?' She's teasing.

He nods. 'It's a family home. There should be kids. You'll let me know if I can do anything right?'

'Yeah'

'With the house and the shower'

'I will. By the way Hales and Nate said they'll have the girls for the night next Friday. Brooke wants a night out and your Mum has her friends round for a dinner. I think she's due a weekend not being taken over by her grandchildren'

'Night out'

She wonders if he heard anything else. 'Yes'

'What's that mean?'

She shrugs. 'It means what it means. Drinks. I dunno. I'm not planning it'

'So you don't know where you're going?'

'Trek I guess. It's not like there's loads of options is there?'

'And it's just gonna be the two of you?'

'What's with the Spanish inquisition?'

'I'm just interested'

'Do you mind not having the girls? Hales said you could go round there and watch a movie with them'

'That's fine...how's work?'

'Good'

'You still like Julian?'

'Uhuh. He's coming round in a bit actually. You could actually meet him for real if you want'

'...does he think I'm an ass?' He's pretty sure that's unavoidable.

'Shockingly you're not really the topic of our conversations. But his first impression of you was you rudely dragging me away from him so I reckon ass is a sure thing' She's teasing.

'Right. I think I might give that a miss then' He decides despite his desire to do the opposite. He's just not certain he won't behave in a similar manner and he's not about to risk all the progress they've been making in recent weeks by acting like a jealous idiot again.

She shrugs. 'Ok. He won't bite you know?'

'I'm not scared of him. I just can't promise I wouldn't act in a similar fashion' Her gaze is quick to leave him, a heat creeping up her cheeks because she's thought a lot about that night or more precisely what he'd done to her that night.

He misreads her reaction. Assumes he's crossed that line that he finds so hard to keep sight of. 'Peyton?'

'Mm?' She looks at him when he doesn't answer. 'What?'

'...what made you go?'

'What?'

'What made you go and see a therapist...I've been asking you to for so...I'm so glad you, you're...just why now?'

She swallows. Shrugs. Averts her eyes to the floor. '...I just...it, it's a lot. The house. All these changes. I think I just, I suddenly felt so overwhelmed and like I can't...'

'Can't?'

Her shoulders rise and fall again. 'I don't know. I'm fine'

He blinks. Frowns. 'Baby' He can't help himself a hand reaches out and settles on her back. 'I hate it when you don't talk to me'

'You wanna talk about who doesn't tell who what?' She blurts and his fingers slowly retract before she shrugs him off herself. 'Sorry' She shakes her head.

'It's ok. You're right and I do want us to talk about it. I want us to talk about everything'

She chews on the inside of her cheek. '...I know...sorry'

'...you'd tell me wouldn't you. If you were like, if you were having really dark thoughts?'

She looks into his face then. 'I'm not about to kill myself Luke'

'I know' He nods his head vigorously. 'I know'

'Do you?' She wonders because he looks anxious in a way that's she's not been witness to before.

'...I worry about you all the time' He admits. 'You always say you're ok but you've not been ok for so long and I...' He presses his lips together. 'It kills me that you're hurting and I can't...I can't fucking do anything to make it stop' He looks genuinely distressed. She swallows. Eyes glaze over. Blinks. Looks away and clears her throat.

'You don't need to worry. I'd never leave the girls. You know what losing my Mum did to me. You think I'm that selfish that I'd inflict that kind of pain on them?'

His brow furrows. 'So if it wasn't for the girls you'd _leave_?' He wonders incredulously. That's all he can take from her mumbled words. She hesitates. Opens her mouth but it was a beat too long for his liking. 'What does that even mean?!'

'I was speaking hypothetically' She sighs.

'Right' He nods curtly. 'Well, _hypothetically_ do you no what losing you would do to me?!' His hand grips her chin to force her to look at him.

'Ow Luke-'

'I'd fucking die. Do you understand?'

She shrugs out of his hold 'Why're you so mad right now-'

'Because!' He exclaims. 'You just said you'd kill yourself if it weren't for the girls!'

'No I didn't, don't put words in my mouth! That's what you're saying! I'm seeing someone just like you've wanted me to. I thought you'd be fucking happy'

'I, I am' He sighs. 'Baby-'

'You've gotta stop calling me that!'

His face crumples in frustration. 'I'm sorry I can't help it'

'Try'

He swallows. '...the girls aren't the only ones that need you'

She tucks a curl behind her ear. '...Julian will be here in a minute' It's his cue to leave.

'...right' He nods. '...just in case I wasn't being clear, me. I need you'

'Message was received loud and clear' She sighs.

'Yeah?...are you mad at me?'

She gives him the eye contact he craves then. 'I'm not mad'

'No?'

'No'

'I'm not trying to make you mad'

'You haven't made me mad' She wearily mumbles and looks down. His hand flutters over her cheek then. 'Luke' She sighs.

'I know, I know' He grumbles but does little to stop.

'You need to go' She's not pushing him away. Green eyes looking into his squinting stare.

'Yes. Ok' He agrees but leans forward and leaves a lingering kiss on her forehead. 'I love you' It's a quiet hum. She hears but says nothing. He wants to say so much more but knows he's pushing his luck. He slowly gives her the space she supposedly desires. 'Have a good work meeting with Julian'

•••

'You knew she was seeing a therapist didn't you?' He wildly accuses. He's worked up. Has been rehashing the words he's just shared with his wife.

'Oh hi Luke, yes I'm good thanks for asking' Brooke drones sarcastically in response to his whirl wind entrance.

'She's my life Brooke! My life! Don't you think you shoulda spoke to me about this?' He's oblivious to the startled customer browsing.

'This' Brooke wavers her hands. 'Is my place of work Lucas' She hisses as the customer hastily vacates the premises. 'You can't come in here and have an episode in front of my customers. You just scared her away'

He's disinterested. 'Just stop! Please. I know you hate me right now. You have every reason to hate me. I hate me. Believe me you can't hate me more than I do. But please, please stop'

'Stop what?!'

'You can't keep me out of the loop anymore. Not when it comes to her health'

'I'm her best friend not your confident'

'No you've made sure of that haven't you? Damn it Brooke you're my friend too!'

'Why're you so upset right now?! I know you've been fighting with her about this for going on 2 fucking years'

'Exactly so you don't think I'd have been interested in knowing?!'

'She's a big girl, she can make her own choices. It's up to her what she does and doesn't tell you-'

'Oh please, we both know how much influence you have over her-'

'Oh yeah I'm capable of governing her choices aren't I?' she rolls her eyes at the absurdity of it. 'She's not a fucking lap dog Luke and certainly not mine. Why don't you look in the mirror because you're the one that has a hold over her'

'Oh yeah so much hold over her' He sniggers because it feels like the furthest thing from the truth. He pinches the bridge of his nose. '...I don't want to argue with you..' He expels. Abruptly turns away. Paces away. Sinks onto the cushioned sofa that sits in the middle of the store.

Brooke watches him for a long minute. '...why're you so upset? She's told you now. There's a whole lot worse things she could've kept from you'

'What things?' He's scowling.

'Oh I don't know, it's not like she's stealing money from you is it?' He's actually relieved by her dig because he stops puzzling over what potential secrets his wife could be keeping. His head drops. A heavy sigh passes his lips. Her brow shoots up at the sniffle that follows. 'Are you crying?' She leaves the counter and hurries over to him. 'Luke?'

'She said she'd never leave the girls! She said I don't need to worry because the girls need her and she'd never be so selfish as to leave them...she was talking about...'

Brooke's concerned eyes widen. 'Jesus she's not suicidal' She wraps her arm around him.

'How do you know that?!' He exclaims.

'Come on Luke-'

'What?! She's been so down. I've begged her time and time again to speak to someone, why now?! It's because she's at breaking point isn't it?!'

'...Yes. Maybe it is but not like _that_ ' Brooke gently disagrees. '...She lost a baby. Her husband stole from her. Her husband cheated on her. I think that would throw anyone. I'm not being a bitch that's just what happened...I think this move, I think it's been the last nail in the coffin. She needs help processing all these changes...maybe she's finally made the decision to go because she hasn't had you trying to get her to. She needed to make the decision herself'

'Right it's my fucking fault she's waited this long. My fault for wanting her to see a therapist. I'm such an awful human for wanting to help her-'

'I didn't say that...Jesus Luke you know how stubborn she is. You know how she hates asking for help-'

'Exactly, I do fucking know and that's why I'm worried all the bloody time because she fucking hides shit!' He stresses. 'Depression takes lives Brooke. People take their own lives every day. That can't be her-'

'It's not going to be. Honey come on. She's speaking to someone. That's a good thing. You can stop worrying so much because she's finally talking about all this. She's not pretending it didn't happen. She's facing it all' She consoles. He's silent. '...I'm sorry I didn't tell you but it's not my place'

'...I'm not giving up on us'

'Well good' Brooke nods, her comforting hand retracting from his back as she pushes her hair back from her face. 'I don't think you should'

His brow furrows. 'What?'

'...I know she loves you' She swallows. 'If you tell her I said that I'll kill you'

He believes her. 'Why would you tell me that?'

'Because you're my friend and I love you you idiot' She nudges him in the side.

'It hasn't felt like you're my friend recently Brooke'

'No. I know...Hoes before bros you know? She's my family and I, I wanted to be completely on her side. She deserves that'

'...yes'

'I fucking hate what you did to her...I'll never understand because I know how much you fucking love her'

'I don't understand either. I was so messed up that night and we'd, we'd argued and... I, I know it's not an excuse...I'd been trying to be everything she needed. I tried to fix it but it all just kept...'

'...I know she'd shut you out. I know it had been hard. But god Luke I want to hit you every time I see you...'

He swallows thickly. '...she's gonna get over this isn't she? I can't...I can't lose her'

'You lost her the second you sought solace in another woman...everyone always leaves. Are you really so surprised by how she's responded to this?' It's not the answer he wants. 'You've lost her but I...she's never not gonna be in love with you and I, I think because of that, I think because you love each other, I think, I hope you can mend it with time' He tilts his head to regard her because her words of support are unexpected.

'...has, did she say that?'

Brooke rolls her eyes. 'Hell no'

'What has she said?'

'Don't push your luck'

'I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to make it better'

'You've been getting on the last few weeks'

'...yeah'

'So keep doing what you're doing. You have to be patient'

'...I don't think I'm very good at being patient'

'Mm you've demonstrated that wonderfully...'

'I just, backing off feels like it, it feels so unnatural and I, I hate not being able to look after her'

'She's gonna be ok'

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Takes a shuddery breath. '...I'm sorry I stormed in here like a crazy person'

'Kinda use to the crazy at this point'

'...I know. I'm sorry. Really I am I, I know everything you've done since we...you've been, you've been amazing with the kids and Peyton and, just, I'm sorry and I hope you know how much I appreciate you even if you do hate me'

'...I don't hate you Luke. I hate what you've done. There's a difference...I think this therapist is helping. At least she mentioned Finley the other day. I've not heard her say his name ever'

'She said his name?'

'Yeah' His eyes glaze over. 'She said pretending doesn't make it any less painful'

'Really?'

'Yeah...that's huge for her. Don't you think?'

He nods. '...yes'

'See? It's a step in the right direction'

'I just, I wish I could be the one she's talking to. Not some stranger'

'Sometimes it's easier to talk about shit things with people we don't know...you're going to meetings right? Aren't you finding them helpful?'

'I don't know...it's early days'

'You should talk to someone like she is if you're not finding the meetings helpful'

'...yeah. Maybe...'

'I'll pay for it-'

'God no'

'Don't let your pride get in the way of you getting help. I know your Mum's lent Peyton money. I find it fucking infuriating that I'm not allowed to but she is-'

'Because she knows I'll pay Mum back and it's my mess not yours-'

'You can pay me back. I'll pay for therapy and you can pay it back at the end. You know I've got more money than I know what to do with. Another reason why I don't understand why you didn't just fucking ask me when you got yourself in the shit instead of gambling everything'

'...I can't explain what it's like to feel like there's only one, one option. It just kept spiralling and I kept trying to fix it and...I know it's fucking ridiculous but asking you...' He shakes his head. 'It's humiliating and I knew telling you meant telling Peyton and I just...' He sighs. 'It doesn't matter does it. It's done now'

'...yeah but you can ask me for help now'

'Ok. I'm asking you to carry on looking after her for me. I'm asking you to try and get her to eat more because we both know she's not eating properly and you have a way with handling that that I've never been good at. I'm asking you not to bloody dress her up in any more of your fancy clothes in front of Julian' That one has him giving her a stern glare.

'You loved the red dress Lucas Scott'

'Yes I fucking loved it but I don't want him getting any ideas'

'Girl wearing a dress signifies what exactly? You're utterly crazy'

'Am I?! I know I'm a jealous fool but I know when someone is checking out my wife. They're working alone together. He's alone with her at my house right now'

'Working'

'Yes but she, she's mad at me and I...' He exhales heavily.

'I was just trying to make her feel good about herself with the dress. She's so insecure right now. Did you know that?' He swallows.

'Yes I know which is why I have even more reason to be concerned...you're not, you're not pushing her to date other people are you?'

'I'm doing nothing but be her best friend and try and help her process all her thoughts'

'That's not no Brooke' He scowls.

'Have I encouraged her to try and find other focuses? Sure-'

'Brooke' If looks could kill she's sure her life would be endangered.

'Whatever you think I'm not the enemy here. I kinda think it would be good' She slowly admits.

'Excuse me?'

'I mean if she goes on a couple of dates-'

'No. Absolutely not' Clenches his teeth together.

'Just hear me out-'

'No. That's not happening' He hisses and abruptly jumps up.

Brooke tilts her head as she watches him predictably begin to march back and forth across the shop floor. '...Luke you slept with another woman'

'I know what I bloody did!'

'Right so you have to deal with the ramifications of that-'

'Am I not doing that? I'm not living in my own home Brooke! I've not slept in my own bed in months! I don't get to read my kids a bedtime story every night. I don't get to check for monsters under the bed and kiss them before I go to bed! Her turning this into a bloody game to try and get even is not happening. It's not-'

'It's not about getting even' Brooke disagrees.

'Isn't it?!'

'No. I know she loves you. You know she does but she doesn't want to because to her this isn't forgivable'

'And her fucking someone else is gonna make it forgivable is it?' He rages.

'You know she's not gonna sleep with anyone. It's Peyton. Her going out for dinner with someone isn't a big deal'

'It is to me!'

'I just think it might help her realise that she's never gonna be able to move on from you Luke'

'And what if you're wrong?! What if she jumps into bed with someone else and convinces herself she can move on?!'

'Then you two clearly don't have what I think you have and maybe this divorce is the best thing' His face crumples. 'But I don't think that. I think you two are meant to be together and I think grief took hold of you both' Brooke nods. 'I'm not blind Luke. I watched her pushing you away for months. I watched you desperately trying to fix something that you didn't have a hope in hell of fixing. You can't always fix everything'

'I'm her husband'

'And that means you're meant to be able to just click your fingers and take away the pain? No Luke. Come on, everything she's been feeling isn't a reflection of you-'

'Isn't it?'

'No. You know what she's like. You know how she bottles everything up-'

'Not from me! She usually confides in me!'

'But she let you down. She kept letting you down' His eyes narrow.

'What?'

'We both know that's insane but I think that's what she thinks...her body couldn't do what she wants it to'

'Losing the baby isn't her fault' He shakes his head wildly. 'And I've never for a second said anything that could possibly make her think-'

'I know that Luke. I wasn't for a second suggesting you'd implied that...She's pretty good at blaming herself for anything she can. Her pushing you away, it wasn't because you'd done anything wrong. I mean what you then did in response to that was your fucking fault' She concedes with a wane smile. His nostrils flare. '...if you two can work this out I, I want to know for certain that you're not gonna fucking break her heart again. Let me pay for you to talk to someone...please?'

He's silent for a long minute. '...I'm not gonna hurt her. You know I'm not'

'When you let people down it's inevitable that they have doubts Luke...she's not the only person's trust you've broken'

He nods. He knows. '...ok' He relents. Agrees '...I am paying you back though'

'Yep, that's fine' Brooke tries not to grin but it's hard because it's a big win in her eyes. Another little step in leading her friends back together.


	16. Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

'Your friend likes a drink' Julian leans toward her so his voice travels over the loud music.

Peyton blinks. She feels like she's in some weird kind of dream because the last six hours have spiralled into the night. This wasn't meant to be what tonight was. She envisioned dancing and singing with her closest friends. But this isn't that.

'Mm' She puts her hand up to her mouth as she talks into his ear. 'I think she may have ulterior motives' She regrets it instantly. She doesn't know where that came from but it earns her a questioning gaze that she doesn't know how to respond to because she sure as hell doesn't want to confide in him what she's suspicious of her best friend being up to.

'What does that mean?' She hears but pretends as though she hasn't. 'Are you ok?' He shouts a little louder.

'I think I've drank too much'

'I think we've all drank too much' He's smiling. 'You want to get some air?'

She nods. Air sounds good. She needs to sober up.

He'd been over looking over some of her illustrations. He'd asked her what she was doing this evening and she'd told him she was meeting friends here. Has no idea why she'd then proceeded to invite him. Maybe it was the way he'd told her he had no plans and she'd felt sorry for him. Maybe it's because she felt as though she's the reason he's in this town. The reason he's temporarily moved his life away from his friends and family. Maybe she'd felt as though it were the right and polite thing to do. She's regretting her need to be nice now. Regretting it because Brooke has been plying her with alcohol and she's sure the brunette has been purposefully keeping her distance.

'Better?' They're outside now and in an instant she's sure she's getting terribly old because it's a lot quieter out here and she's glad her ears can get a break.

'Mm' It's not better though. She's even more on edge because they're all of a sudden completely alone and the cool air is sobering and she doesn't know what she's doing. She steps away from the wall. There's a couple smoking nearby and the smell reminds her of being 14 and trying it for the first time. She didn't like it then and she doesn't like it now.

'Are you running away from me?'

She looks back over her shoulder and smiles because he actually looks like her might be considering that's the case. She thinks she should be. 'No there, there's a bench round here that no one usually knows about' She's trying to walk in a straight line but she's got a feeling she's doing a really poor job.

'Oh, you're a regular are you?'

She navigates them round the side of the building. 'My mother-in-law owns Trek' She confides. '...I need to stop calling her that. Karen. Karen owns it' She babbles.

'Do you get on? With Karen?' He wonders. They've found the bench and as suspected it's empty.

'She's the best'

'That's hopefully making things a little easier for you at least' He murmurs as they sit down.

'She's so understanding. She's not taken sides in all of this. But it, it sucks cause it, it's not like I'm just splitting up with him. You know? It's his whole family and I, I know they're all still there for me but since this happened I've not seen them half as much and I just, I don't see it getting better. I only have Dad on my side of the family and...' She trails off. Face contorts. 'God you so don't need to hear all this'

'I'm liking hearing this actually' He disputes.

'Liar'

'I am' He laughs. 'I want to know everything...' She blinks as she stares up at him. Suddenly knows Brooke is a hundred percent right in her assessment that he likes her. She might not be as on the ball as her friend but she's not completely naive to the way he's looking at her right now. He smiles and looks down. 'I actually have a confession to make'

'Oh?' Her eyes are wide as she tries to determine what he's going to say.

'I might have, sort have hoped that it'd be just the two of us tonight' He admits, daring to look at her as he finishes.

'Oh' She inwardly cringes at herself because her mouth seems to have forgotten how to form coherent sentences. 'I told you I was meeting friends here'

'Yes. I might have thought that maybe that was just a ploy'

'A ploy' Apparently she's a parrot now too.

'Yes. I've been told I let my imagination run away with my sometimes. Habit of a writer I guess. Make up a story and think about it so much that you think it might actually be true' She gazes at him. There's a knot in her stomach. 'Fuck I really am drunk'

'...I'm sorry' She's not sure what she's saying sorry for.

'No, no. Please don't be sorry. I've had a lovely evening'

'...You have?' Her eyes narrow suspiciously.

'You don't believe me?!'

'Not really' She can't see how it can possibly be described as lovely. It's been stressful for her.

'Why not?!'

'Because you've been with me! And I'm...' Her brow furrows.

'You're quite perfect'

She rolls her eyes then. 'I'm definitely not that. I think I've probably been boring you all evening and now I'm being self deprecating too which is oh so attractive-'

'You're beautiful' He cuts off her rambling.

His complement makes her cheeks blush. There's a voice in the back of her head telling her to excuse herself. Telling her it's time to go. But that's married Peyton. That's pre separated Peyton. Not Peyton that is seeking a divorce. Because married Peyton would be out of here in a flash, would smile and say thank you but she needs to go and find her husband now. Her husband isn't here though. He's not going to be her husband forever. She's allowed to sit on this bench and listen to this man pay her complements. At least that's what drunk Peyton thinks.

'You're blushing'

'...yes. I hate that my cheeks go bright red. It's horrible'

He laughs. 'I have to disagree. It's the opposite of horrible'

She startles when his hand strokes over her cheek. She doesn't know where to look. Wonders if her skin feels as hot to him as it does to her right now. 'Story' She blurts. Cringes. 'I mean, what story do you tell yourself? You said you make up stories and...'

He smiles. 'It's something a lot like this...He's a fool...did you know that?' She knows who _he_ is. _He_ is Lucas. And he's right. _He_ is a fool. But his words make her uneasy. She has to stop herself from defending her husband. Has to stop herself from frowning because only she's allowed to call him every name under the sun. 'How could anyone even glance in anyone else's direction when they've got you?' His words are slightly slurred and she knows he's drunk too. She's come to know him quite well in recent weeks and thinks perhaps if he hadn't had those last two drinks he'd not be talking about her husband. He's far too classy for that. But as it is the alcohol in his system has rid him of any inhibitions.

He leans in slowly and she freezes. Her natural instinct is to jump up, run, flee because this isn't Lucas and she only does this with Lucas. But her heart isn't running the show tonight. Her head is. Her intoxicated head. His other hand finds her face too. Thumb gently caressing her cheek.

'Is this ok?'

She swallows. '...yes'

He smiles. It's a nervous smile. It's a smile she's not seen him wear until now.

'Can I...would you be apposed to me kissing you right now?'

She meets his gaze. '...no' Gulps. Wonders what the hell she's doing. 'Although I haven't, I've not done this in a really long time and I, I've-'

'Peyton'

'Yes?'

'Shh' He smiles.

It's different. Not bad different. Just different. There's butterflies flapping in her belly. They're nerves and also the unknown. She'd not been exaggerating. She's not done this with Lucas in forever and she's not done this with anyone but Lucas in even longer. Hell, the last time she did this with someone else she'd just been a kid, she'd not really known what she was doing. How good it could be. Lucas had made everything good. Everything had been different with him. He'd made her feel things she didn't know she was capable of.

He's got more stubble than she's accustomed to and she finds herself wondering if she'll get a rash. She can't have a rash because having a rash will be a tell tale sign that this has happened and Lucas can't know this happened. Lucas would be livid. She imagines him appearing. Imagines him hauling her away. Imagines him pushing her into a wall and kissing her hard. She tries to push him and her appealing imaginings from her mind because she shouldn't be imagining her husband in anyway right now but she can't help it. In her intoxicated state she's terribly satisfied by the prospect of inciting his rage and then terribly anxious about betraying him all at the same time. The two conflicting emotions battling one another eventually result in her pulling away because it's hurting her head. She can't not think.

'Sorry I, I don't know what I'm doing. I, I think I need to go home now' She nods. Then frowns, a sudden panic forming in her already anxious eyes. 'I don't mean you should, I should-'

'I never thought you were inviting me back' Julian smiles. His hand is resting just above her knee. He runs his thumb in a little soothing circle but it's not soothing. She feels sick because her husband does that. He's not her husband. 'I wasn't expecting...'

'No. Of course you weren't' She nods. Knows he'd never have assumed he was getting lucky. He's not that guy. 'Sorry I'm just, I'm out of practice at this. I don't know how to'

'You're doing just fine'

'Ok' She's nodding again. 'I should find Brooke?' It's a question. She's not sure why it's a question. She's not sure of anything right now.

'Yeah. That's a good idea'

•••

He'd been relieved when he'd seen the taxi pull up. Had been on the brink of trying to call her because it's well after midnight and worrying is seemingly his favourite pass time.

He frowns as she teeters in because he can tell she's more than a little tipsy and he doesn't like the idea of her being in such a vulnerable way. 'It's really late' He makes himself known.

She jumps. 'Fucking, shitting christ!' She cusses, throwing the nearest thing to her at him; a coat. It lands in a pile less than a metre in front of her and way away from her target. He'd have laughed but his mind is consumed with other things. 'What the hell! You scared me! Why're you here?'

'Jamie has a sick bug. Hales was worried the girls might get it. Mum's got those friends round for dinner tonight so I thought it made more sense just bringing them home'

'More like to check up on me' She grumbles. As she uses the wall to navigate her way to the kitchen.

'You're drunk'

'You're observant' She chants back.

'How did you get back?'

'Taxi'

'I don't like you doing that. You hear dodgy stories of taxi drivers assaulting-'

'Yes every taxi driver's agenda is kidnap and rape. You'd rather I'd walked?'

'No. I'd rather you called me. It's really late. You're on your own and-'

'I wasn't on my own. I shared it with B and Mia and Millie. I'm capable of looking after myself'

She's fumbling around in the cupboards and he knows she's forgotten what she was doing. He wordlessly produces a glass of water and holds it out to her.

She scowls but accepts the glass. 'Think you're a magician do you?'

He smiles. 'No. I think I'm not intoxicated and you are sweetheart' She misses her mouth a bit and he looks away because otherwise he's going to laugh. '...did you have a good night?'

'...it was ok' She hiccups. 'Are...' hiccup. 'the...' hiccup. '..girls...' hiccup. '...o-ok'

'Fine. Roewyn threw a bit of a wobbly because she wanted to stay there and be Jamie's nurse' His brow kinks. She's trying to drink from the glass upside down now in an effort to get rid of her hiccups. 'Ok, why don't we try sitting down' He confiscates the glass because she's making a puddle on the floor and he's concerned that no intervention is going to result in her nose planting into the floor in due course. His hand instinctively slinks around her waist as she comes back up to standing, blinking as the blood rushes from her head.

'I fucking' hiccup. 'Hate' hiccup. 'Hic-' hiccup. 'ups' She stomps her foot. 'Make. it. st-' hiccup. 'stop'

'Hold your breath' She does exaggeratedly as he guides her into a chair. Can't not laugh at her expression. 'God what did you drink?'

'All the things' She risks speaking before quickly resuming holding her breath.

'I thought we learnt a long time ago that you can't handle a few drinks let alone mixing'

'That was uptight Peyton'

'Oh it was? What're you now?'

'Carefree, new start, anything can happen Peyton'

'I see. Well I'm afraid right now you're _have an urgent appointment with your bed Peyton_ ' He drawls.

Her face screws up and her shoulders rise and fall as she hiccups again. 'Appointment'

He smiles because apparently she's not with it enough to understand the most basic of things and it's amusing because she's one of the most intelligent people he knows. 'I just meant you need to go to bed'

He crouches down, hands daringly settling on her thighs. He can't help himself. Knows she really is drunk when she doesn't shove his fingers away. He's not seen her in the midnight blue dress she's wearing for a long time. The most memorable time she'd worn it flits into his mind; he'd fucked her against the outside wall of his brother's house. He doesn't know who those two people were. He desperately wants them back. She stares at him. Thinks he's so pretty. Stops herself from telling him such.

'Mia's totally fucking Owen'

'Wow I never saw that coming'

'Neither!' She smiles. He drowns in that smile. He knows said smile is fuelled by the alcohol in her blood stream but for a moment he can kid himself that they're back to normal 'You've not shaved'

'Er No' Her eyes are inspecting his unshaven face. 'I've not had an excuse to'

He's surprised when her hand finds his cheek. 'I've not seen you with scruff in forever. I like it'

'No you don't. It gives you a rash sometimes'

'Mm' She ponders. 'I don't like the rash'

'No' He knows. 'Especially when I gave you one here huh?' His hands inch higher on her legs, thumbs coasting over her inner thighs inappropriately. She always liked how his hands looked gripping her legs. She'd tell him he had big hands and he'd laugh and tell her she just had scrawny legs. She'd hit him lightly but quickly shut up with her complaining when he'd grip said limbs around him and announce how fucking beautiful she was.

'Eurgh that was the worst. It felt like they'd been burned'

'Mm, so I always shave'

'Julian has scruff'

'...yes' He squints up at her. Opens his mouth but the question on the tip of his tongue is halted because she's rising to her feet most abruptly.

'I need...bed'

'Ok' He backs up and stands along with her. Now she's been temporarily seated her coordination seems to have gotten impossibly worse. 'Do you need me to carry you?' He teases as he shadows her out into the hallway as she begins the task of climbing the stairs.

'No' She scowls but his hands tighten around her a second later as her foot fails to find purchase on the next step.

'What were you just saying?'

'I'm fine! You're just breathing down my neck and making me nervous'

'Me making you nervous' He snorts at the idea. 'That would be a first. Keep your voice down, the girls are asleep'

'So bossy'

'So loud'

'I am not-'

'Shh' He cuts her off because despite what she's declaring her voice is several decibels louder than norm and they're now on the landing and passing said children's rooms.

'I am' She's taken on whispering now. 'Are the girls even here?'

'Yes, I already told you' He ushers her into their bedroom and eagerly shuts the door.

'I wouldn't put it past you to, to try and get me...' She trails off as she loses her train of thought. He's already figured out where she was headed though.

'You think so little of me that you think I'd make up some extravagant lie in order to coerce you into bed whilst you're drunk'

'Well I'm here' He sits her on the bed and both her hands hit the mattress. 'And you're there. And we're in our bedroom'

'Yes, _Our_ bedroom. I'm glad you still know where you are' He smiles.

'Exactly. I know where I am and you're not meant to be in here'

'Well it's a good job I am isn't it? You clearly need some assistance, don't you bambi? Let's get you out of this' Her hand hits his arm as he endeavours to try and help her undress.

'No you don't Lucas Scott!'

He rolls his eyes. 'Don't be ridiculous-'

'I can do it myself'

'Ok, get on with it then' He moves around the bed to the bed head end.

'Look you've scared my hiccups away'

'More like you've talked them away' He sniggers. 'You're gonna be uncomfortable if you don't change' He locates one of his old t-shirts from behind her pillow. Revels a little in knowing she's still sleeping in his clothes. Smiles at the bear that's still living there too.

'I can do it myself'

Her words draw his stare back to her. 'So you keep saying' He bites his lip because her hand is floundering aimlessly behind her as she struggles to locate the zipper. He reproaches her and sets the t-shirt beside her.

'Have you been smoking?'

'Huh?' She scowls.

'You smell of smoke'

She stops with her futile task then and sniffs her hair. 'Eurgh' Turns her nose up. 'Gross'

'So that's a no?'

'I was standing outside for a bit. Of course I haven't. You know I hate that' He does know. 'Why'd you tell me? Now all I can smell is that'

'Sorry' He smiles.

'I might have to shower'

'I don't think you're capable of that right now considering you can't get yourself out of your own clothes' She lays down exasperatedly. 'I'd gladly help you shower though'

'No chance' She cackles.

He smiles. 'I didn't think so. Are you ready to let me help you change though?' She rolls onto her side with a dramatic huff that he knows is consent. 'You remember the New Year party at Nate and Hales' when you wore this?'

'I don't remember the party because you barely let me interact with anyone'

He smiles because she's not altogether wrong. 'It was our first proper night out without the kids after Roe was born. I wanted you all to myself' He easily slides the zip at her back down. He wants to walk his fingertips over the revealed sliver of cream skin. Doesn't. 'There. Sit up' His fingers curl around her right upper arm and easily hoists her back up to sitting.

'Woah' She blinks.

'Alright?'

'Uhuh. Just stop moving so much'

He smiles. 'I'm not Baby'

'Don't look at me like I'm stupid'

'I'm not'

'Whatever. Close your eyes'

'Really?' He sighs.

'Really perv'

'Fine, fine' He crosses his arms and shuts his eyes. He counts to seven before sneaking a look. She's got her dress down to her waist and is unfastening her bra. He watches intently as she clumsily removes it. Licks his lips as his eyes revel in her exposed form. Wants to push her back on the bed. Wants to let his lips trail over the creamy flesh he's not worshipped in far too long. She's cold. He knows it's the alcohol. Knows she's on the verge of shivering.

'Lucas!' He's been caught.

'What?!'

'I said to close your eyes!' She's located the t-shirt he'd found and hastily fumbles with it to try and get herself covered.

'You didn't specify for how long sweetheart'

'You're a dickhead'

'I'm a husband that hasn't seen his wife naked in too long' He corrects.

'Yeah well I'm a wife that doesn't want her husband in any way'

He sits down on the side of the mattress as she gets her head through the neck hole. '...well that's just tough isn't it. You promised yourself to me a long time ago' He helps her arms find the arm holes.

'You wanna go there?' She sniggers. 'I'm not a child, get off' She bats his helping hands away and throws herself back onto the mattress, her head seeking out her pillow.

'...no. You're right' He doesn't want to go there. He'd rather do a billion other things. She lands half way up the bed and he shakes his head in amusement as she lets out an irritated noise before shimmying up the mattress toward the pillows. 'You're still wearing your tights' He thinks she looks adorable. Hesitates because he can see her underwear through the sheer fabric that conceals her legs. Her t-shirt is rucked up around her waist with her movements and he wants so badly to crawl up her and settle between her pins. He doesn't. She watches as he slowly looms over her. Doesn't protest as his hands slide up her legs and hook the waist of her stockings. 'Lift up' She does helpfully as he eases the tights down. Adores the way his eyes linger inappropriately.

He takes his sweet time because he's not seen her in so little in forever and he craves her. He eventually reaches her feet and peels the fabric the rest of the way off.

She's biting her lip. He knows that look. Is pretty sure if he initiated anything right now she'd not need much, if any persuasion. It takes every fibre of his being not to take advantage of that.

'Where're you going?' He's walking into the ensuite and despite her drunken stupor she doesn't want him seeing the ridiculous mess she's left their bathroom in. She'd changed just a few times.

'You're still wearing your make up' He calls back.

'I can't be bothered with that'

'Last time you slept with make up on you came out in a weird rash the next day' He hums as he returns with a pack of face wipes. 'Such sensitive skin' She opens her eyes as a coolness touches her cheek. She looks up into his face. His stare is on his hand, a look of concentration in his eyes. 'Couldn't decide what to wear tonight huh?' He looks into her eyes then. 'It's a war zone in there'

'I'm sorry to cause you such distress'

He smiles. 'It is distressing' He agrees. He's already itching to fix the array of clothes on the bathroom floor.

'Ow I don't like these they sting'

He knows. Knows this isn't her usual night routine to get her make up off but these always make an appearance on occasions when speed is required. 'I swear you're actually allergic to air'

She smiles at that. 'Uhuh. I'm a vampire, didn't you know?'

'Yeah. You bit me a long time ago. How could I forget?' He's working on her eyes now, watches the mask slowly disappear. 'Your eyes look different tonight' He hums.

She's always surprised by the little things he notices. 'Thought I'd try something different'

'They somehow look bigger'

'That's the idea. Brooke showed me. Do you like it?'

'Mmhm. But you're most perfect like this' He declares as he finishes up.

'Liar'

'I always miss these two little freckles' He finds the small markings to the right of her right eye.

'And the bags'

He doesn't answer. She does have faint circles beneath her eyes and he's back to wondering if she's sleeping properly. I'm gonna grab you another glass of water and then I'll go' He wants her to get some rest and he needs to go because he's caught more than a glimpse of her in the last five minutes and he wants her. Is aching for her. 'I'll come by early to get the girls in the morning so you can have a lay in so don't freak when they're not here'

'Wait...' He startles as she grabs his hand as he rises up to his feet.

'What?' He murmurs. 'You want something?' She doesn't answer. 'Are you gonna be sick?'

'No'

'What then?' He smiles because she's making that pouty face she makes when she wants something.

'...stay'

'What?'

'You heard'

He begins to shake his head. 'Peyton' She tugs on him.

'Please...lay with me'

He hesitates for a long minute before he relents and crawls onto the bed beside her. She turns onto her side and pulls his hand further around her. 'Just until you fall asleep then'

'No. Stay' She shifts back against his chest so he's completely spooning her.

'I don't know that I can Peyt' He mumbles into her ear.

Her hand tightens on his. '...please I'm so tired'

He kisses her shoulder. Her muttered words have his stomach knotting because it's a confession. She's made it known to him on numerous occasions that she sleeps so much better with him beside her. He's not slept beside her in forever. Not held her so intimately in forever.

'Ok. Sleep. I won't go anywhere' He promises.

'I love you'

He knows she's not in the land of the living then. A mixture of tiredness and the alcohol in her blood stream has her saying those three little words that he's not heard her say in far too long. Can't even recall when. He knows it doesn't count, not now when she's like this but it doesn't stop him believing they're true. Doesn't stop him from holding her all the tighter. 'I love you too baby'

•••

He's slept better than he has in months.

The t-shirt she's wearing is crumpled up around her waist and his fingertips keep coasting over her thighs. He can't help himself. He feels like a hormone ridden teenager. He grips her hip ever so gently, delights in the feel of her round backside pressed against him.

He hates this. Hates feeling like he can't touch her properly. Can't do what he wants. He wants to pull her underwear down. Wants to slide his hands beneath her shirt, explore the swell of her chest. Let his ministrations coax her from slumber. Wants to murmur in her ear how much he needs her and then as she opens her eyes slide into her warmth. Wants to hear that delightful murmur sound in the back of her throat that he has memorised so well.

He wonders what she'd do right now if he tried.

Her hips stick out. Always have a little. He's always revelled in the way there's a gap between the waistband of her underwear and her lower abdomen. Loves how he gets a sneak peak as to what is concealed. He peers down but swiftly closes his eyes because seeing that view right now isn't helping his current situation.

He's painfully aware that she's the smallest she's ever been right now. Her undressing last night had highlighted that to him.

Her weight is something that has always been a concern to him. He avoids mentioning it much because she's quick to take offence but there's been times when he's not been able to keep his mouth shut because there are patterns in her eating habits that he's sure aren't healthy nor normal.

It's a tricky subject because he doesn't want to draw attention to it. Doesn't want to fuel it in a sense, whatever _it_ is and she's always so quick to accuse him of wishing she was curvier or had bigger boobs and that's so not it. How could it be when she's so perfect in his mind. So beautiful that it actually hurts sometimes. And it's confusing because on the one hand her size worries him but on the other...well he loves her body. Loves how her slender legs look hooked over his thighs. Loves everything about her but he's sure she's always had her doubts about that and he knows his infidelity has only affirmed her paranoia and he doesn't know how to make that right.

He's pretty sure his predicament right now should be proof enough of how much he wants her. Always wants her. He clenches his eyes shut. Thinks he's on the brink of crossing the line and he's too scared of her pushing him away. Can't deal with her rebuilding the bricks of her wall he's managed to tug down in recent weeks. So he reluctantly eases back from her. Almost whimpers at the loss. He's pretty sure she's awake. Has come to know her breathing patterns but he's out of practice. He carefully pulls the covers up over her. Watches her for a moment.

He feels like he's just been dangled a carrot. He's taunted with being allowed a night in his bed, in his home, his wife in his arms. And god walking away feels like the worst thing in the world because he wants this back. He needs this back.

•••

'Thank you' She mumbles.

'For what?' He assumes she means for taking the girls out for the morning.

'...you could've made things really hard this morning' He smiles because it had been hard, in more than a few ways. 'You could've let the girls see us and well, you, you made sure you were up before them didn't you? So they didn't find us and well...' She shrugs.

'You think I'd intentionally make things difficult for you and them? That's never been on my agenda'

'...I know'

He thinks she doesn't know if she had to just say all that. '...how are you feeling?'

'Like death'

He's sort of happy about that because he's hoping it'll stop her drinking too much again anytime soon 'I got you a few hangover cures in the kitchen'

'You didn't need to do that'

'I wanted to'

'Thank you'

'I've not seen you that drunk in a long, long time' He softly murmurs.

'Did I say anything cringey?' She's been futilely wondering exactly what words transpired between them.

'You can't remember anything?'

'I can'

'So you know you insisted I stay, I didn't-'

'I know' She does know that.

'You were funny' He smiles.

She wants to know exactly what was said. Word for word. '...I'm sorry I asked you to stay. It was completely inappropriate'

'You think it was a hardship for me? I slept better than I have in months. Even if it was a bit torturous waking up with your ass pressed up against me. That was _hard_ '

She looks down. She knows. Had felt exactly how hard it had been for him. Had feigned sleep. Had panicked when her eyes had fluttered open. Panicked that she'd allowed Julian into her bed. That horror had lasted all of five seconds because she knew her husbands hands, touch, smell. Relief had washed over her and then guilt swiftly made it's appearance. Guilt because she'd kissed another man last night. Guilt because she'd proceeded to insist her husband lay with her. Guilt for leading Julian on because that's what it felt like. Guilt because she knew the man laying beside her would be livid. She'd felt his hands slide up and down her thighs, fingers barely touching her. They'd gripped her hip lightly at one point as he'd slowly pressed himself hard against her. Rocked oh so slowly. She'd nearly let a murmur pass her lips at the sensation. In retrospect she supposes she should be angry at his ministrations. He'd eventually pulled himself away though. Had disappeared to the bathroom and she'd rolled onto her back. Knew exactly what he was doing in there. Found herself wishing he'd not gone. Found herself wishing he'd had the nerve to try and take what he clearly wanted so desperately.

'I'm sorry'

'Don't ever be sorry for letting your husband hold you' He shakes his head. '...I'm gonna head off now...'

'Ok'

'Try not to drink that much again anytime soon hey?' He can't help himself. Her eyes narrow. 'Sorry. Shutting up'

'I can look after myself Luke'

'I know, I know. See you later' He kisses her cheek. Can't not. 'Bye'

'Bye' She echoes. Closes her eyes as he walks away because her headache has suddenly intensified and god does she want to just crawl back into bed and not analyse her night any further. A holler of "Mummy" from the other room highlights that she's not going to get that. 'Coming!'

•••

'I'm an awful human being B'

'The worst' Brooke rolls her eyes.

'Luke was here when I got home last night' Brooke's brow kinks. 'Jamie was sick and Karen had friends over for dinner so he thought bringing them back here was best'

'Course he did'

Peyton runs her hand through her hair. 'I kissed Julian last night' she blurts.

'I know'

'You know?' Peyton's eyes widen. 'Did you see? Did other people see-'

'Chill out. Will you sit down already? You're making me bloody dizzy'

'I can't sit down! If the whole of Tree Hill knows-'

'No one knows! Honey I know that you made out with writer boy because you told me, just me. Several times' She ends her friend's panicking.

'...I did?'

'Yeah. Maybe you need a glass of wine. Drunk Peyton felt a lot better about it than sober Peyton'

'It's your fault there was a drunk Peyton!'

'Oh sure blame the girl that paid for your night out. Did drunk Peyton come back here and blurt it out to her husband?'

'Of course she didn't!' Peyton exclaims. 'At least she thinks she didn't' She grumbles.

Brooke laughs. 'Really? You were so wasted that you're struggling to piece together the rest of your night'

'I remember I just, I talk a lot when I'm drunk'

'Uhuh. I think his reaction would've been more than memorable honey'

'Yeah' She nods in assurance to herself. Doesn't have any doubts that he'd have completely lost it. '...he slept over'

'What?' Brooke's brow shoots up. 'You didn't'

'No but I asked him to stay, he tried to go but I made him get in bed and hold me'

'Oh P'

'See I am awful!'

'A little messed up but not awful honey. So nothing happened?'

'No...but let's face it I wouldn't have stopped him if he'd tried. I made out with some other guy and then come home and make my estranged husband spoon me'

'I'm sure it was such a horrendous ordeal for him' Brooke chants sarcastically.

'He probably thinks it means something and Julian probably thinks last night meant something too' She exclaims loudly. 'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why do I have to make everything so fucking messy. Fucking shitting hell- Sawyer' Her eyes widen as the eleven year old walks in. 'Please tell me you've not been stood there long'

'Just long enough to hear fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking, shit-'

'Alright we get the picture! You can't say that!' Peyton shrilly tells her.

'Bit hypocritical Mum. Hi Brooke' She's grinning.

'Hey you, get over here' Brooke demands so she can hug the child.

'Is Mum having a breakdown?' Mischief dances in her eyes as she looks into the brunettes face.

'No more than normal'

'Hey! Still stood here' Peyton complains. 'You need to stop waltzing in Sawyer-'

'I do live here you know! Maybe you need to work on not cussing'

Brooke laughs. 'Oh I love this kid'

'Don't get sassy with me Sawyer Elizabeth Scott! And don't bloody encourage her B'

'Uh oh, she's serious, you just got middle named' Brooke taunts and prods Sawyer's side.

'You just swore again Mum'

'Nice' The brunette holds her hand up and Sawyer slaps it in a jubilant high 5.

'B!'

'Sorry, sorry' Brooke contains her smile. 'Don't talk back to your Mum Sawyer' She waggles her finger, her tone anything but firm.

'Sorry Mum' Sawyer apologises but like her accomplice it holds little sincerity.

'You two are the worst'

'We're just mucking about Mum' Her mother's weary expression has her leaving Brooke's side to go and sit on Peyton's lap. 'Are you ok?' She enquires. Peyton makes an exaggerated noise as her daughter plants herself not so sedately on her legs but her arms eagerly snake around her small waist as she latches her chin over her shoulder.

'I'm ok. I'm sorry I'm being a crazy head'

'Did you and Dad have a fight?'

'No, no. Me and Daddy are fine. I'm just tired and have a headache'

'I don't get why adults drink when it makes them feel bad the next day'

'Because we're stupid. Learn from my stupidity and never, ever do it'

'Can we order take out?'

'Oh that sounds so good right now'

'Yes, I'll go ask Roe what she wants'

Peyton startles at the eleven year old's quick escape from her embrace. 'I wasn't done with that hug Sawyer!'

'Later Mum! Take out is more important right now!' She hollers over her shoulder.

'Want me to sit on your lap instead?' Brooke teases.

'She's mean'

'She needs to stop growing' Brooke confirms. '...So?'

'So what?' Peyton sighs.

'How was this kiss?'

Peyton's eyes skitter back to the door to triple check they're very much alone. 'I thought I told you a billion times'

'You told me that you kissed him and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about a hundred times' She relays. They both know she felt more than guilty then and now. 'So?'

'...I dunno...fine'

'Fine' Brooke pouts. 'That bad?'

'It wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. It was...nice'

'You can't describe a kiss as nice P. If it's not mind numbingly good and just meh it's shit'

'It wasn't shit it was just different...'

'Different?'

'I did...like it, it's just not.. I couldn't, I couldn't stop bloody thinking about Luke'

'So if your brain had turned off do you think you could've been into it?'

'I dunno. It's not meant to be that hard is it'

'What was your first kiss with Luke like?'

'You already know, it was your bloody doing'

'Uhuh' Brooke smiles. 'Were you thinking then?'

'Yeah, I was thinking my best friend is a bitch'

'Uhuh. See, it's not like sparks were flying was it? It's only when you were a bitch and hooked up with him behind my back that sparks flew isn't it?'

'I hate it when you bring that up'

'In the past. Was always yours. I'm teasing'

'I still can't believe I did that. It's so-'

'Not you. I know that. You did it because this thing you two have is bigger than you both, you couldn't control it'

'I think the last year has proved to the world that we're not the star crossed lovers you guys label us as'

'Oh I don't know, you did spend the night with Mr Scott'

'Nothing happened'

'Alright'

'It didn't'

'How did you feel when you woke up in bed with him?'

'For a split second I thought I'd bought Julian back here and my stomach dropped and I can't tell you how fucking happy I was that it was Luke and not him' She sighs. '...I was more hot and bothered by his hand on my thigh than I was by Julian's mouth on mine'

'Well, you've figured out you're still hot for Luke'

'That's not something I needed to figure out' Peyton squints at her friend.

'Well you mentioned you guys hadn't in a while' Brooke shrugs.

'That's not because I...'

'Because you?'

'It wasn't because I'm not...'

'What?'

'It's not because I wasn't suddenly attracted to him'

'No?'

'No. That's physically impossible' Her nose is turned up at the absurdity of it. 'It has nothing to do with him it's me'

'What about you?'

'I just didn't want...that. I didn't have the desire to-'

'But you did last night and this morning by the sounds of it' Brooke murmurs.

'Which is utterly ridiculous. Now that I have a god damn reason to be repulsed by his touch I'm suddenly oh so turned on' She complains. 'I mean what the fuck's with that?'

'You've been so down and I think you've had a lot of self hate toward your body'

'Are you turning into my therapist now?'

'Absolutely not but I do know you pretty well. I have best friend's rights which means I get to make assumptions about you...your body let you down and I think you feel like you let Luke down. I think those are probably contributing factors in you not feeling like you want that. I think you've not felt attractive'

'Because I feel oh so attractive right now' Peyton interrupts sarcastically.

'I think you probably do when Luke is losing his shit over you'

'You think I find jealousy attractive'

'Come on, everyone does. You can deny it all you like. It's not like he's a controlling jealous idiot. This jealousy is fuelled by nothing but love and lust for you. That's always gonna be hot'

'...His hands have touched another woman- that's repulsive to me and it, it highlights that I've been completely blind to his wandering eyes-'

'Please his eyes do not wander unless they're trailing down you'

'...he's clearly not as attracted to me as he once was'

'That's bullshit'

'Is it? He's always telling me I need to put on weight. Clearly he wants someone more curvy and-'

'That's bullshit P. He doesn't always tell you that. I do. He's always too fucking scared of upsetting you'

'Oh great so he tells you what he wants me to look like-'

'No. He tells me how he's worried about you and quite frankly he's not insane! I know I sound like a broken record but you're barely eating right now. On the few times he has bought up the subject with you in the past it's him telling you from a health point of view not because he wants your body to be different and you know that'

'I'm just about to have a take away with you and my kids'

'Uhuh and you'll eat because you're hung over and you'll always eat in front of the girls because you're hell bent on them not seeing you have a problem-'

'I don't have a bloody problem. I'm not in the mood for this right now'

Brooke sighs because she's never in the mood for this conversation. 'You should talk to Moira about it'

'Ok, ok'

Brooke smiles despite her frustration. 'Don't say ok to shut me up'

'Well just shut up then'

'Oh hung over Peyton is the best'

'...I'm sorry' Peyton whines. 'Why're you never, ever hung over'

'Because I drink more than you' The brunette answers simply. 'I have a better tolerance'

'I'm never drinking again'

'Sure you're not' Brooke smiles softly. '...honey it's alright'

'How? I'm a bitch Brooke. I'm no different to him now'

'That's just not true. This is completely different. You're just figuring some stuff out, that's all... Come on. You'll feel better once we've cured this hangover' Brooke jumps to her feet. 'Come'


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N So I'm a bit nervous about this chapter!...I've got a rough** **guideline** **of where this fic is going and have had some bits of chapters written from the very beginning. This is one of them. It's of course been altered a bit over time as the story has evolved but for the most part the storyline is and will remain as I always intended.** **I know a lot of people seem to be picking sides but** **I'm so on BOTH of their sides in this and I guess that's probably right as I'm writing it and they both need me in their corner! Anyway I'll shut up now, I don't really know where I'm going with this little A/N! Thank you for the support all :)**

SEVENTEEN

'And what if that doesn't happen?'

He frowns. 'What if what doesn't happen?'

'What if Peyton doesn't change her mind'

'...she will' He tersely answers.

'I think it's best we try to find ways of helping you come to terms with the chance that she might not'

He stands up. Hand scrapes through his hair. '...I'm not going to embark on trying to come to terms with something that isn't even an option'

'...even if it's what Peyton wants? If it's what will make her happy?'

He swallows. '...we're meant to be together. She's angry and upset but we, we can come back from this. We're going to come back from this'

'It's good to have such faith but we also need to understand that we don't have control of someone else. You can't govern her choices-'

'I know what she needs and doesn't need better than anyone in this world'

'That maybe the case but only she can decide what she wants' He licks his lips. '...it can be hard to deal with a loss of control-'

'You think I'm some controlling asshole'

'That's not what I just said. You've had to deal with a lot of things that have felt out of your control though. The miscarriages. Losing the baby. Not being able to help your wife when she's been feeling so low and now the prospect of losing a relationship that evidently means a great deal to you'

He sits back down. '...I tried everything I could to help her. I only ever wanted to help her and I, I made everything a billion times worse...' He shakes his head.

'And you've taken responsibility for your actions and that takes strength. But it also takes strength to listen to what someone else is telling us even when it's not what we want to hear'

'You think I need to agree to the divorce' He scowls. This session is doing little for his anxiety. He'd come out of his first encounter with the therapist before him feeling support. Feeling like he had someone in his corner and now he feels under attack.

'No. I didn't say that' The woman sat across from him gently disagrees. 'I can't tell you what the right thing to do is and I'm not saying that you and Peyton won't work this out in time. I'm just suggesting it might be good for you to consider the possibility that this might not pan out as you'd like as I don't want you to be unprepared for that scenario'

He clenches his teeth together. 'I won't consider that because it's not a possibility. She told me she loved me just last week'

'Oh?'

'...She was drunk. She'd been out and she asked me to stay over' He elaborates.

'Did you stay?'

'Yes...just to sleep. Nothing happened'

'But you wanted something to happen?'

'She's my wife and we've not had sex for nearly a year. What do you think?' He exhales.

'But nothing happened?'

'I'm not a dickhead'

'Did she instigate anything?'

'No and yes'

'What does that mean?'

'I know her. I know the look she was giving me.' He sighs. 'She's not given me that look in forever. It took everything not to...I just held her. She's not let me hold her like that in so long'

'Did you talk about it in the morning?'

'Not really. She was apologetic and acting like it had been inappropriate for her to ask me to stay' He rolls his eyes.

'We frequently say and do things we wouldn't normally when we're intoxicated'

'I'm aware of the effects of alcohol' He snaps. '...sorry...I'm sorry I just, I know her, I know what she is and isn't like when she's drunk. I know what's real and what's not'

'If it were up to you what would be the best way of moving forward?'

'If it were up to me I'd be under the same roof as my family. I should be putting my kids to bed and helping her find a house. If she'd give me a chance we can start rebuilding everything but she, she's just so bloody stubborn'

'...or perhaps hurt' The therapist gently suggest.

Lucas exhales heavily. '...of course hurt' He acknowledges. 'I know she's hurting. That I hurt her. I know that but she...'

'She?' The therapist probes.

'I know I'm the one that's done wrong. I know this is all my fault and I know I sound like an utter dickhead saying this but I, I feel hurt by her behaviour too'

The therapist crosses and uncrosses her legs. 'Why don't we talk about that'

He purses his lips together. 'I don't feel like I have a right to even say that'

'Your feelings are always valid'

'They're not though because I, I'm hurt by her not feeling like she can talk to me. I'm hurt by how she's pushed me away. Which is basically me saying I'm angry at her for being unwell because I know she's been so low and depressed'

'When the people we love are ill that has a huge impact on us. You can be both frustrated with her and have compassion at the same time'

'...I just don't understand. She's my best friend. She's always told me everything and even if she didn't I knew what she was thinking without her saying a word. It, that, it's like that changed overnight...I wish she'd agree for us to go to some sessions like this together. I feel like that's the only way we're going to truly get somewhere'

'You said she'd mentioned she'd like to do that in time'

'Yes...I just wish it was now because I'm so, so tired of feeling like I'm an outsider in my own family's life'

'You mentioned she's also seeing a therapist'

'Yes'

'I'm sure this therapist is helping her work through many issues and when she's ready she'll tell you'

He chews on the inside of his cheek. '...it should be me helping her'

'It's not your fault that she's been depressed Lucas. You know that right?'

'...I do know that but it, I also feel so...helpless because I, I usually make everything better for her and I, I don't understand why I wasn't enough...'

'Depression isn't something that's easy to understand. You seem to have conflicting views. On the one hand you're very rational about it being an illness and out of your control and then you also seem to feel guilt for not being able to cure her of it...would you hold yourself responsible if it were her physical health instead of her mental health?'

'...I could've done more though. I just went about everything in the wrong way. I, I don't know what I was thinking deciding we should get another bloody round of IVF when she was clearly so unstable but in my mind I though if I could give her another baby this, this cloud would go away'

'Have you told her that?'

'It turns into world war three any time I try to discuss any of this with her. That's why we need to, to be in a setting like this. Like she said, we need a referee'

'Well I think it's a great turning point that you both acknowledge that and that couples therapy is on the cards. That's optimistic, no?'

'...it is and at the same time she sold it as _to come to terms with this chapter of our lives ending_ '

'Well, either way having therapy together will help you figure out what you both want'

'I know what I want'

•••

'You're not reading it right'

'Huh?' Peyton glances at a frowning Roewyn.

'Daddy doesn't do it like that' Peyton stops herself from rolling her eyes then because she's been doing a lot of things that aren't like Daddy does this week and it's draining. She'd tried to encourage the little girl to choose a different story because the one they're reading has always been Daddy and daughter's jam. But Daddy isn't here and she wants it tonight with or without him. 'The dragon has a low voice like this' Roewyn tries to imitate what she's heard her father do a million times.

'Well ok' Peyton repeats the last line of the book trying her best to appease the child.

'No. That's not right Mummy-'

'Well why don't you give me a bit more of a chance' Peyton proposes calmly. She wants to scream. Wants a glass of wine and five minutes peace but she knows the only path that leads her to said peace is by getting her darling daughter to go to sleep. 'Maybe my dragon is a bit different to Daddy's but that doesn't mean I still can't do it hey?' She dismisses. She continues with the story. She gets two more pages in before she's interrupted again.

'The prince's voice is more high because he's actually a girl pretending to be a boy because Daddy says this story is actually a bit sexist so we made up our own' Peyton rolls her eyes because of course the characters have back stories that she doesn't know about. 'You don't think girls can enter the competition with the dragons Mummy?' The seven year old misinterprets her mother's irritation.

'Of course they can, is there anything else I need to know about Daddy's wonderful story telling?'

'Erm we, we do this thing on...' She rifles through the pages and finds a page a bit further on. 'Here you gotta pretend the dragon is coming out of the book and trying to kiss me. It's funny when Daddy does it' She smiles.

Peyton tries to reenact what she's seen Lucas do a million times before but Roewyn doesn't bat an eyelid and sighs heavily. 'You're not doing it right. Daddy-'

'Daddy isn't here Roe. I am so it's either my way or no way' She snaps. Sighs. '..I'm sorry baby' She closes the book. '...maybe we should read a different one that you do like when I read hey? Daddy can read this to you when you next spend the night with him' Roewyn sinks further into the bed covers, her arms crossed. Her big eyes are welling because she's not use to her mother snapping at her.

'I wish Daddy was here'

'I know'

'It's not fair'

Peyton's irritation wilts into guilt. She's good at winding up back at guilt. 'No. It's not' She nods in agreement. 'You'll see him tomorrow though. I'm sorry honey' she strokes her hand over the little girl's forehead.

'I want Daddy to live with us again'

She'd hoped the seven year old's seeming calmness surrounding her parents' separation would continue but truthfully she's surprised it's taken her this amount of time to get upset about it.

'He's not far away Roe. Things are gonna get easier-'

'Why won't you let him come back?'

She swallows. 'When Daddy has his own place we're gonna make it so he has you half the week and I have you the other half so it's completely fair. We just think that would be really disruptive for you right now as he doesn't have his own house does he?'

'But I don't want him to have another house and, and I miss you when I'm with Daddy'

'I miss you too...we just need some more time to get use to it' Peyton runs her fingers over the little girl's mop of hair soothingly.

'...Why don't you love Daddy anymore?'

'...I do baby. But it's complicated'

'You say me and Sawyer always have to make up and be friends again when we have a fight'

'Me and Daddy are being friends' She coos.

'So you, you're not gonna get a divorce no more?'

Peyton's heart aches as she looks into the big eyes staring up at her. 'Here, snuggle down with Kitty Cat' She seeks out the soft toy to help in both the art of distraction and to comfort the child. 'Let's sing a song to help you go to sleep' Roewyn sniffles. 'What one do you want?'

'Dream a little dream'

Peyton swallows. Wonders how many times her heart can break because of course her daughter has to request one of few songs that reminds her of Lucas Scott. She looks to the doorway. Has many memories of him lurking there, catching her eye as she sings their babies into the land of nod. Can almost feel his hands cage her back against the wall as she exits their children's rooms. Hear his voice.

 _'You know I hate it when you do that'_

 _'Do what?'_

 _'Spy on me' She expels._

 _'Liar. I know it get's you all hot and bothered. You know how sexy you are when you sing that?'_

 _'Luke' She widens her eyes at him. 'I was singing a freaking song to our kid. You can't say that'_

 _'Why not?' He's smiling._

 _'Because it, it's like a lullaby'_

 _He laughs. 'That's not a fucking lullaby. It's a love song'_

 _'Well I love them'_

 _'Uhuh. And I love how you love them. Your voice is like an angel'_

 _She snorts then. 'No, it is not. But I love that you think so'_

 _'Sing it to me'_

 _'No. Absolutely not'_

 _'See this is why I have to creep on you because you won't do it for me'_

 _'I'm embarrassed'_

 _'Of me?'_

 _'It's easy singing for them'_

 _'Come on just one verse' He nuzzles his nose against hers. She looks into his face, smiles at the way he's nodding encouragingly. 'One verse' She sighs._

 _'Fine' She looks down and quietly begins to sing as requested. '...Stars shining bright above me, Night breezes seem to whisper' Her eyes find his 'I love you' He's gawping in that adorable way. His hand finds her cheek. He's so close now. 'Birds singing in the sycamore trees, Dream a little dream of...me'_

 _'So fucking beautiful' He husks into her mouth before kissing her hard._

 _'You get turned on at anything' She gasps._

 _'No I get turned on by you. Come' She blinks as he yanks her toward their room. 'I need you. Now'_

•••

He can't stay quiet any longer because he doesn't like that little smile she's giving the man beside her. It's shyness. He's just told her the drawing they're inspecting together is amazing. He wants to see said drawing. He thought he'd got his anxiety in check over Julian Baker but it's very much present right now because he'd been envisioning today and how he was going to spend it with his family and that didn't include the writer 'Knock, Knock'

They both startle.

She jumps. He dismisses his knowledge that she jumps at the slightest thing because she looks nervous to see him and her nerves make him uneasy. He squints at her.

Her hand is over her chest. 'Luke. I didn't hear you come in' She murmurs. She wonders how long he's been standing there. Hates his gaze because it's making her feel like she's just been caught doing something wrong. She's not doing anything wrong. She wonders if he knows. Wonders if Brooke was wrong. Wonders if someone saw her kissing the man beside her and somehow it's got back to him.

'Used my key' She stops herself from rolling her eyes. She knows he's just said that for Julian's benefit. 'I didn't realise you were working today'

'I'm not Julian just wanted to run a few things by me'

'Yeah, hey man, it's nice to officially meet you' Julian holds his hand out and Peyton apprehensively watches him walk further into her studio. He responds begrudgingly. Paints on a polite smile and shakes Julian's hand. 'I made a few changes my end so I wanted to fill Peyt in' Julian's smile is uneasy.

' _Peyt_ ' Lucas repeats with a slow nod. He's never heard anyone asides from himself call her that and he doesn't like it one bit. He knows she's not exactly keen on the shortened version but it's inevitably happened over time.

She knows he's just done a wonderful job of making Julian even more uncomfortable. Julian's panicked eyes find her and she shakes her head with a little sigh and hopes she conveys that he needn't take any notice of the man before them.

'What sweetheart?' He's on a roll, doesn't hesitate in questioning her little silent conversation with Julian Baker.

'The shower isn't till 3' She dryly responds.

'I know. I thought I'd help you set up'

'There's nothing to do. Brooke's stopped off in town to get a few last minute bits. She'll be here soon. The girls are outside if you wanna-'

'Can I have a word?' He cuts off what is undoubtably his dismissal.

She exhales heavily. Twists her head back to her guest with an exasperated look. 'I'm sorry. I'll be five minutes'

'No, no it's cool. I'm good here' Julian taps her drawings because he's happy to sift through her work and he's even happier for her to get rid of the man that's glaring at him. She stomps after him. Neither of them say a word until they've reached the privacy of the kitchen.

'What're you doing?' He wonders.

'Me? What're you doing?' She fires back. 'You can't just stroll in and out of here whenever you like' She busies herself with preparing some food for the shower.

'I can't? We might be selling the house but until then I still own half of it _Peyt_ '

'A text would be nice'

'So you can hide him from me?' She glares at him as she separates a bunch of celery.

'What do you want Luke?' She wearily retorts because she's just been pulled away from her work and from what she can gather for no apparent reason.

'Why's he here?'

'I told you. He told you' She cuts the end of the stalks off angrily.

'It's the weekend. It couldn't wait till Monday?'

'He knows I work late sometimes at the weekend. He didn't want me working on a load of stuff if it doesn't correspond with some changes he's made. I don't know why I'm bloody explaining myself to you right now. Just go spend some time with the kids'

He sighs. 'I just thought today was meant to be a family day'

'It is'

'Clearly'

'The shower isn't for another couple of hours. What's your problem?'

His nostrils flare. He smiles tightly. 'There's no problem Sweetheart '

'Stop calling me sweetheart' She grinds. He laughs then and takes a celery stick from the jug she's just neatly arranged. 'I mean it Lucas'

'No can do baby' He takes a noisy bite and she glares at him. 'What? That's like asking me not to breathe' He contends. 'I can't change how I address you when I've been doing it that way since we were kids'

'Yes you can'

'That's like asking me not to call Sawyer jitterbug or Roe, Roe boat'

'Yes it's just the same' She sarcastically drawls. 'I'm not your child-'

'No, you're my wife' His jest is gone and he's suddenly so very serious that it has her hesitating because she's sure he knows what has gone on between her and Julian. Sure he can read her mind but at the same time she knows there's no way he'd not let her know he knows. Knows there's no way he'd keep his mouth shut.

'...what's wrong with you? You're behaving like a child' She eventually murmurs.

'Am I? You were nervous-'

'Is it any wonder?! Last time you were in his presence you rudely hauled me away. And here I am again. I thought you were past this'

His therapy session yesterday has left him irritable. He's been mulling over the therapist's suggestion that he prepare himself for the worst case scenario, that this could very well be over. Walking in on her deep in conversation with another man hasn't helped. 'He likes you-'

'So what?'

'What does that mean?' His eyes narrow because her reply isn't the disagreeing one he'd been anticipating. 'Wait, has he hit on you?'

Roewyn's appearance saves her from summoning an answer. 'Daddy!'

'Hey you' His scowl is gone in all of an instant as he paints on a smile for his daughter.

'You're here!'

'I'm here'

'Mummy said you weren't gonna be here till later'

'Well Mummy doesn't always know everything'

'No she doesn't but she does know that Daddy is gonna go outside and play with you right now' Peyton drawls in a sickly sweet tone. Roewyn is oblivious to the tension and jubilantly slides her hand into her fathers.

'Yay! Come on. Me and Sawyer are making a den'

Lucas glances back at Peyton and she waves a stick of celery at him in farewell, probing him to hiss back at her: 'We'll finish this later'

•••

'Everything ok?'

'Yes. Sorry about that' She smiles wearily.

'No I'm sorry, I shoulda called before I came over and checked it was ok'

'It's fine' She bats her hand as she sits back down.

Julian smiles uneasily. '...he seemed a little upset to find me here'

'He's upset by anything and anyone. I'm sorry if he made you uncomfortable. Take no notice'

'No, it, it's cool. I can go and we can go over this later if-'

'No, really. He's outside with the girls now. The shower doesn't start for a couple of hours so I've got a bit of time'

'Ok. If you're sure. Who's shower is it?'

'Haley and Nathan. Lucas's brother. Baby number 3'

'Nice...' He nods. Hesitates. '...so I, I kinda did have other reasons for stopping by but I realise now is probably not the time' His eyes skitter to the door.

'Is everything ok?'

'I, yes it's just, we, we've not talked about last week'

She licks her lips. 'No'

'Can we?' She nods once 'I just want to know where your head is at really'

His confession takes her off guard. She's been all too happy not talking about it. 'Right...well I...'

'I was under the impression you guys are definitely over?'

'...Yes' She nods her head a little too vigorously.

'I'm not sure he knows that'

'He does' Her face crumples. '...That doesn't mean it's what he wants...I...we...I'm' She runs her hand through her hair in a fluster. 'I...my life is a bit of a mess right now' She mumbles.

'He's trying to win you back' Julian assumes.

'I'm not something that can be won'

'No' Julian agrees. 'I didn't mean it like that, I just, he's clearly not given up on the two of you working things out'

'...no' she agrees.

He nods. '...have you really given up on the two of you?'

'... I, I have two children with him. I, I had a whole life with him. I can't...' She sighs. '...I can't just ignore that. I, I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have feelings for him' Julian shifts in his seat because her confession sounds like the opposite of _definitely over_. 'I, I didn't chose this so it...' She trails off.

'...Right'

'I don't want to lead you on...I was really drunk when we...' She swallows.

'I think we'd both had a few too many' He cracks a smile that he hopes eases the apprehension dancing in her eyes.

'Yes'

'I in no way meant to take advantage of-'

'No, no. You didn't' She blurts. 'You didn't'

'You liked it?' Her brow kinks because she's never been asked that before. He cringes. 'Don't answer that. Sorry'

'..I...did' She's not about to hurt his feelings.

'Yeah?'

Now her cheeks are burning. '...yes, but I honestly don't think I know what I want. My head is all over the place and I'm definitely not ready for a new relationship. I'm confused and Luke is, well you just saw where he's at and the girls' She shakes her head. 'They're my priority...I can't introduce anyone but a friend into their lives right now'

'I'm not asking you to marry me Peyton' He's teasing but the mere suggestion has her stomach clenching because it's insane; she's already married.

'I don't think I'll ever be doing that again'

'Marriage?'

'Yeah...I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong idea here that wasn't my intention, I didn't mean to make you think that I...'

'You haven't. Brooke just sort of gave me the impression that you're open to dating on the night we were at her work party thing'

She sighs. 'I think she's decided getting me through this involves getting me laid' She smiles falsely. His brow rises.

'Well I...that wasn't what I meant by dating' He stumbles over his words.

She smiles bemusedly at his sudden sheepishness. 'I know'

'...but for the record if that's all you want I'm more than open to...' It's her turn to become flustered. 'Sorry' He shakes his head. 'That was ridiculously inappropriate. Please ignore that, I, I didn't mean that. I'm afraid you seem to turn my brain to mush sometimes. Sorry'

'...don't be sorry. Thank you...I think' She's a bit confused as to how they got here. 'I'll take it as a complement'

'It is. It is'

'But I, I'm not there'

'Understood' He smiles. '...if you ever are there and you fancy a date... in any capacity I'd like that, just say the word'

Her cheeks are tinted red. '...ok'

'I hope I've not made you feel uncomfortable'

'No, no' She dismisses. 'I hope I've not made you uncomfortable. I'm the one that's got you in the middle of my fucked up shit'

'I don't think there's anything fucked up about you Peyton'

'No?' She snorts. 'Well that's because you really don't know me that well'

'...I should go'

'Didn't you more or less just get here?' Brooke's appearance startles them both.

'Jesus, how long have you been standing there?' Peyton crosses her arms and wonders what it is about her and people eavesdropping today.

'Five seconds'

'Don't buy it'

'Why ask if you're not gonna believe me' Brooke taunts, her attention back on Julian.

'Hi again Brooke'

'Hi' Her smile has Peyton's head tilting slightly in curiosity because it's almost shy and Brooke Davis hasn't ever been shy. 'So you know you said not to go crazy with the decorations, what classifies as crazy?'

Peyton's eyes narrow. 'What did you get?'

'Just some balloons.'

'Brooke'

'Just some balloons' She repeats. 'Julian would you mind helping me?' Thinks better of asking the blonde for assistance when she knows she's not going to approve of the extravagant balloon arch and other array of decorations she's managed to whip up in the last hour.

'Sure'

Peyton rolls her eyes because she knows her best friend hasn't got _just_ a few balloons. 'You're so staying to clear up after B!'

•••

'Peace offering?' Lucas extends a beer to the guest that has everybody not so subtly giving each other looks.

Julian hadn't intended to stay but he'd got engrossed in conversation with Brooke and had been all too happy to help the bubbly brunette with her balloon arch and banners and then suddenly guests kept arriving and a drink was placed in his hand and he was actually having a nice time. He's sure that's about to end though as he knows the man before him isn't thrilled by his presence.

'Thanks man' Julian accepts. 'A peace offering isn't required though'

Silence.

'...I don't think we got off to the greatest starts' Lucas blurts suddenly. 'I'm sorry if I've made things weird. I mean, I know I've made things weird and haven't been the most welcoming. It's, it's nothing personal I just, please know I don't have anything against you. Really, if anything I've always admired you. At least your work' He rambles. 'I wish I'd met you under different circumstances. You have to understand this is my life. My family'

'I completely get it' Julian smiles politely. 'It's all good'

'...I'm sure you've decided I'm this awful guy and she deserves better-'

'Lucas, I don't know you' Julian shakes his head. 'I'm working with Peyton. That's all it is'

'Is it? She might be utterly clueless and I know I'm paranoid right now but god I know when someone's checking her out. Give me a little more credit' Julian shifts his weight. Opens and closes his mouth. 'Have you asked her out?'

Julian blinks. Is taken aback. Shakes his head because he's not about to make things more difficult for the blonde he's working with and their conversation earlier had been more than enlightening; She was very much still in love with Lucas Scott.

'No? I'm sure Brooke has given you the impression that she's free to pursue but we're not done. She's still my wife. I'm asking you, man to man just...' He shakes his head. 'I can't be mad at you for being interested. I mean who wouldn't be but she's not available'

'Lucas-'

'She's confused and angry. I've done some fucked up shit. But our relationship has been under more strain than just me. Ok? I, I'm telling you this in confidence. Knowing that you won't repeat it because you're a good guy right?...we've had infertility problems and that's taken a tole on her and me and we, we lost a baby quite late on in a pregnancy and it just...she's a lot more fragile than she looks and if you're stood their thinking I'm begging you to back off because I'm jealous then, well, you're absolutely right but it's also coming from knowing what she does and doesn't need. I know her better than anyone and we're going to get through this eventually'

Julian swallows. '...you don't need to worry about me. Ok? I'm working with her. That's all...' Lucas squints at him. '...I, I'm sorry about the...' He trails off. Feels immensely awkward and foolish because he's clearly got himself in the middle of more than he could have imagined and he doesn't want to be in the middle of anything.

'...Thanks...you won't tell her I told you that will you?'

'Of course not. I'm not an ass Lucas'

'No. I kinda wish you were so I had reason to hate you'

'You don't need to worry about me' He repeats. 'I'm just her friend'

•••

'How come Julian is here?'

'I dunno. He was here earlier talking about some work stuff and then Brooke roped him into helping'

'...Why do you look so nervous?' Haley looks at her skeptically because her eyes keep flitting back to her husband and the man in question that are conversing across the lawn.

Peyton sighs. 'Because Luke keeps behaving like an idiot near Julian is why'

'Does he have reason to?'

'What does that mean?' Peyton's eyes narrow at her friend. Haley holds her hands up.

'Nothing. I'm not judging you-'

'Well you've got nothing to judge me about' The blonde replies defensively.

Haley squints at her. 'Something has happened hasn't it?'

'What?' Peyton begins to shake her head.

'I know I've been banished from your's and Brooke's little witchy circle but-'

'You've not been banished Haley' Peyton disagrees, reaching for her friend's hand.

'...sorry I know' Haley sighs. 'Sorry. Hormones'

'I know things have been a bit weird and I, I've not been around as much but you have to know I'm not...I've just been a bit of a mess. Am a mess'

'And I want to be there for you too'

'I know, you are-'

'No I'm not because you've barely spoken to me. Just because he's my best friend doesn't mean I can't be impartial'

Peyton laughs then. 'You can't Hales and I don't want to put you in the middle of us-'

'Well I feel like I've been put on Lucas's side and I don't agree with anything he's done-'

'There's no sides'

'Isn't there?'

'No...Julian kissed me last week' She confesses abruptly then. Haley's eyes widen. 'You asked if something had happened' She shrugs in answer to her friend's surprised gaze. 'We kissed and Luke doesn't know' Peyton chews on the inside of her cheek. 'Only B knows so I'd rather this didn't go beyond us' She averts her eyes back to the mingling guests to avoid her friend's stare. '...bet you wished you hadn't asked now'

'...Do, is..so you're like...' Haley's floundering draws Peyton's gaze back to her.

'It meant nothing. I was drunk and..I don't know what I was doing. I'm all over the place and I think I, I just wanted to see if it would help me move on'

'...and it has? You like him?'

'I like him. But not in the way you mean. I, I've made that clear to him now, at least I hope I did' She mumbles because that conversation is a blur in her mind given her anxious state.

'...do, do you think you're gonna start seeing other people?' Haley rubs her bump as she tries to get a better idea of where her friend's head is at.

'...no. I'm so not there'

'...you still love Luke?'

'...that's like asking me if I still love my kids'

'It is?'

'Yes. I'll always love him. Even if I hate it' She sighs. 'Enough about me this is your shower and is meant to be about this one' She rests her hand over Haley's.

'This one is driving their Mumma mad'

'Had enough?'

'Uhuh. The gremlin is making my hair fall out. I can't breathe half the time. I can't sleep. My feet are swollen' She moans. 'I'm enjoying you making me feel like a human and not a beached whale'

'You're beautiful Hales' Haley gives her an unamused look. 'You are!'

'Yeah well as grateful as I am for this shower I'm liking that there's no lame baby games'

'Don't hold your breath, you know what Brooke's like. I mean apparently this is minimal decor' Peyton rolls her eyes at the extravagant decorations that surround them. Haley laughs.

'It looks beautiful'

'Yeah' Peyton murmurs, her stare finding Brooke across the lawn. '...I think she might like him' Peyton hums. 'Brooke' She clarifies.

'Who?'

'Julian'

'Your Julian?'

Peyton's eyes narrow. 'Not my Julian'

'Right' Haley joins her in focusing on their friend 'You do?'

'Yeah, I mean I only noticed earlier and now that I have...I know that look...'

'Would you mind?'

'What?'

'If she dated him?'

'Of course not. I just find it odd that she's not said anything'

'Maybe she didn't want to step on your toes'

'Mmm. Putting me before herself as per usual' Peyton murmurs. 'I'm working on her putting a stop to that...and that goes for you too. I'm sorry for being so shit Hales. I promise that's gonna stop'

'You've not been shit. I get it...I just miss my girl is all'

'You don't need to miss me. I'm right here'

•••

He watches her for a moment. She's wearing a long green maxi dress. She'd changed shortly before the shower. He'd done a double take when he'd seen her because her wardrobe lately has consisted of nothing but new items. He knows Brooke is the supplier. Knows she's doting on her in an effort to make her feel good about herself. He's not use to seeing her in full length dresses. She always announces that she looks like a tree. He thinks she looks nothing of the sort. Thinks she looks elegant and somehow boho at the same time. Especially with her hair naturally curled. 'The girls are asleep'

She doesn't say anything. She's instantly irritated because it's taken her over two hours to get their youngest daughter to stay in her bed for the past week and of course on the night her Daddy dearest is here all monsters are behaving. She knows it's because they've been racing around the garden all day with their cousins and have gone to bed way past their usual bedtimes but it still feels like it's a reflection of her ability as a mother.

'You want some help?-'

'No thank you. Everything is done. B just left.'

He knows thats his cue to also go. He doesn't take it.

He closes the door. Closing doors has become a habit for the both of them. Always anticipating an argument. Always wanting to protect little ears whether they're in bed or not. 'What did I do now?' She doesn't have to say anything for him to know she's in a mood with him.

'Nothing' She's tired. It's been a long day and she's listened to a million people tell her how wonderful her husband is with the kids like she doesn't already know he's the best father. She knows.

'I said I was sorry' He's given her several apologies throughout the course of the day in an attempt to rectify his behaviour on arrival. 'I barely said anything to Julian. I just told him how it is' He assumes her mood is perhaps about the little chat he'd gone onto have with the writer. Knows full well that she'd spotted them in conversation.

'What?' He starts what he likes to accuse her of; flapping. She's already cleaned away the left overs but there's still a few condiments on the table that he takes back to their cupboard. 'What did you tell him?' Her brow is arched. His words imply he'd said more than what she'd envisioned. She'd silently tried to convince herself that he was apologising. Hoped they'd then talked about the passion they both shared. Hoped she wasn't the topic and their writing had been the focus.

'Just that I'd appreciate if he backed off' He shrugs, avoids her gaze.

She grimaces. 'Backed off'

'Yes'

'I'm working with him-'

'Are you?' The day hasn't just been long for her. He's had to see people he's not seen in a while. Friends he's not so subtly been avoiding because it's humiliating for them to see what a god damn mess he's made of everything. And on top of that it's impossibly hard because they've all gathered to celebrate bringing a baby into the world and of course it's joyous but it's also a reminder of all the losses.

'What does that even mean?'

'It means I don't like the way he looks at you and I don't want him thinking he's got the green light to pursue you. We're trying to make this work-'

'We're co-parenting our children Luke'

'That's bullshit' He can't help himself.

'Excuse me?'

He closes the cupboard door heavily and turns back to face the music. Her hands are on her hips. 'You might be intent on telling the world we're done but it's not done. I'm not about to pretend otherwise just to make you happy. I love you and you love me. That's a fact' Any semblance of calmness he'd been clawing onto has ebbed away, his anger and frustration taking over. 'You might not like it but it is what it is and' He slowly paces back over to where she's standing. 'If you think for one second I'm just going to sit back and let you start dating people you're sorely mistaken' His finger is in her face now. 'So I suggest you quit it'

She doesn't get where this is coming from because he's been so rational in her presence lately. A knot forms in her stomach as she wonders if Julian let the cat out of the bag. 'You suggest I quit it' She repeats indignantly.

'I still don't get why he was here. Today was meant to be about family and family only'

'It was! God he was here to go through a few things. I didn't even know he was coming over and I didn't ask him to stay!'

'I'm not blind!' He exclaims.

'No? Just insane! Are you really done with trying to be a grown up? You don't get to tell me what to do'

'I'll tell you what the fuck I like' He blurts. 'I mean it, I get that you're working with him and that's fine but it's all it is. You hear me?' His fingers curl around her forearm then. She gasps.

'Why're you in such a mood?!' She exclaims.

'That's rich! You were nervous when I got here' Her expression when he arrived won't leave him. Has been bothering him for the most part of the day. 'Has something happened?' It's driving him crazy. She doesn't need him to clarify what he means. She doesn't say anything. Can't help but find a little enjoyment in the look on his face because it's satisfying. How could it not be? 'Don't be childish. Answer me'

'Childish?' She tries to shrug out of his hold 'Childish is you thinking you have some right to-'

'I have a right! You're mine-'

'Yours!' She sniggers. 'You don't own me'

'The fuck I don't!' They both startle at his words because he's never been this possessive in his life. He takes a required breath. Consciously reigns in his temper. 'You're still my wife. At the very least I deserve to know what kind of man you're letting our children be around'

'He's not even been around the kids. And anyway I am capable of making that call!' She's more than riled now. 'Did you think about the girls, about the woman that was potentially going to be bought into their lives that night?' She throws his words back in his face. They're both painfully aware that they appear to have taken three gigantic steps backwards in the last five minutes. They've played this record one too many times. It's not lost on either of them how ridiculous it is how many times they've rehashed the same accusations and words. They'd both hoped they were past this and yet apparently they're back at it.

He steps forward. She steps back. 'You making it your mission to get into bed with someone else is petty'

'Petty' She nods. 'You know what's petty?! You suddenly wanting me oh so desperately! You had me Lucas! You had me. I'm not making it my bloody mission to get into bed with anyone! Unlike you I thought we were forever. I never, never thought you'd... I thought I was enough!'

'This is forever. You are enough! You've always been enough. I don't suddenly want you desperately' Her back hits the wall behind her. 'I've always wanted you desperately. Baby you are enough' The fingers curled around her arms retract, his hands moving to her face. 'You're enough...' He frowns. He has rehearsed lines playing in his head on a loop and now that he needs them they're lost on him.

She knows that look. Knows what's coming. 'Don't' Her hands come up to push against his chest. It doesn't take him much to fight them back against the wall behind her. 'Stop'

'You stop' His breath hits her lips. She swivels her head away as he attempts to unite their lips.

'Lucas' She strains against his hold.

'Mm?' He knows he's being reprimanded. Knows he's being told to get off but he can't. He makes do with the side of her face. Nuzzles his nose against her cheek.

'Get off'

'When you let me kiss you' He bargains.

'You're not kissing me'

He kisses her cheek before husking his next words. 'You're gonna be standing here until you give me your mouth' He cockily declares. 'I know you want me but you can't allow yourself it because you're too stubborn'

'Stubborn' The surge of anger toward him has her wriggling again. She grimaces as he jars her against the hard surface behind her and presses his lower half against her to help restrain her. She stills. It's not lost on her that she craves this. His anger. It's a sure of a hell more appealing than his _are you okays?_

Her familiar perfume is intoxicating. It's her. 'Fuck you smell so good' She closes her eyes because she's struggling to keep up her indifference. 'You've not worn this one in ages' He's not wrong. It's her special occasion perfume. She's not had many reasons to put it on lately. '...You did so good today. Thank you for all the work you put into it making it nice for Hales'

She blinks because he's changed the subject and she knows exactly what he's doing. Knows he's feeding her compliments to try and get her to ease up. She sniggers 'Hosting a shower is hardly a big deal'

'It was a lotta work'

'That B did 80% of. Get off now'

'You know how hard it was to hold you last week and not fucking touch you?-'

'You made sure you got a good feel didn't you?'

'I knew you were awake' He smirks triumphantly. She feels her cheeks growing hot with his accusation. 'You didn't tell me to stop did you? You wanted me to fuck you didn't you?'

'Get off'

'...you look so cute in this' His eyes trail down her. He's been dying to pull on the halter ties at the back of her neck all day. One of his hands leaves hers to twiddle the green strings around his fingers.

The movement in her peripheral vision lures her stare back to him. 'Pull that and I'll hit you' She knows his game. He smiles.

'No you won't' Maybe she doesn't know his game because he's been successful in getting her to tilt her face back toward him and his lips are seeking out hers again. His right hand is suddenly firm on her cheek. He's doing that thing that drives her crazy. The pad of his thumb is softly drifting back and forth. She knows she's done for. Hell she knew that the second he closed the bloody kitchen door.

'Luke' Her free hand has latched around his wrist in a weak effort to try and get him to stop.

'One kiss. One little kiss. If I mean so little to you it hardly means anything so it's not a big deal is it?'

'Ooo reverse psychology now. You're pulling out all the stops aren't you?'

'Are you admitting I actually mean oh so much to you?' He grazes his lips across hers, his thumb stills and his left hand finds her other cheek, gripping her face tighter as she predictably tries to get away.

He shifts his right foot between hers, forces her legs to make space for his. It has the desired effect. She gasps at the feeling of his thigh pressing against her and he wastes no time in slipping his tongue into her warm mouth.

She shrieks in surprise. She wasn't so naive to not know that they were headed here; he's riled up and not taking no for an answer. Even so it still takes her off guard. Her fingers stop trying to pull his hands away from her face after five seconds, she can't help it. They just cling onto his wrists as her legs turn to jelly. She stops fighting him and god he's never been more relieved because her suddenly reciprocative body eases his anxieties. Because despite his confidence at times of course he has his doubts. Doubts that he can make this right. Doubts that she still loves him. But she does. He knows she does. Knows by the way she's suddenly kissing him back like she's been starved of oxygen. Like she needs this to survive. He grunts. He's missed this. Missed this more than words can convey.

This is what this should feel like. Julian's touch is still fresh in her mind and whilst the unknown had perhaps been invigorating it's long forgotten now. Because it doesn't compare to this. There's no guilt. No words running riot on her weary mind. She's not thinking at all. She doesn't need to think because the person who forever consumes her mind is right here and she just wants. Wants more. Wants him.

It's him that ends it. He's panting. Nuzzles his nose against hers. '...God I fucking miss that. I could live off of that' He's most serious and her heart races. '..tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I'm behaving like a jealous idiot. Tell me nothing has happened between the two of you' She stays silent, her breathing heavy. '...Has something happened?' He repeats. She swallows. 'Peyton'

He's asking her straight out and god knows she's been lied to enough over the last year. She's not about to do the same. '...he came to Trek the night I went out with B and the girls' Her voice is so quiet but he hears every last word.

His face crumples because her answer isn't no and he knows her confession is a confession of a whole lot more. She watches his nostrils flare.

She's not sure why she's just told him. She thinks perhaps they're still so connected that he instinctively knew. That he knew from the second he walked into her studio today. It's why she's been feeling so angsty all day. Why she's not been able to relax for five seconds. Maybe it's guilt that has her confessing. Maybe it's because she wants him to feel just a modicum of what she does.

He still hasn't said anything. Is eerily quiet. She's anticipating questions but his eyes have closed tight, his forehead suddenly pressing almost painfully into hers.

His breath hits her lips.

She begins to answer the questions he's not asking. 'We...we kissed-'

'Stop' He grinds out. His eyes open and pierce into her. 'Or I might just strangle you' He's not being serious. She knows it. Isn't scared when his fingers find her neck and lightly curl around her throat, palm resting on her collarbone. A slight smile touches her lips. She can't help it, knows she probably looks deranged but he looks so ridiculous. 'Don't fucking smile'

'You look funny' She tries to imitate his fierce expression.

'I'm not laughing'

'No' She knows. '...you have no right to be mad though' She whispers.

'That doesn't mean I'm not...if you've done nothing wrong why do you feel guilty?' She swallows.

'Who says I feel guilty?'

'You do. I know you and I'll tell you why you're feeling so guilty. Because you're my wife.' He seemingly likes saying that tonight. She likes him saying it too. Maybe Brooke isn't wrong. Maybe jealousy is a turn on. 'You've made your point, ok?'

'I'm not trying to make a point' she attests. She can't explain her actions but she knows one thing; it wasn't as calculated as that. Her mind is all over the place.

'No? Why would you just tell me if you weren't trying to provoke me?'

She supposes he's right. 'Did you not just ask me? I'm not going to lie to you'

He sniggers. 'Not telling is still lying. We established that long ago no?'

She snorts. 'It's been a week. Don't accuse me of what you did. Months of keeping shit from me'

'I told you the very next morning about Lindsey'

'A first wasn't it?! What about the months of gambling and stealing and lying? We're separated! I don't have to tell you anything I do!' She disputes.

His head is pounding. '...It's not gone any further than that, right?' He begs. 'Right?'

'...No'

'No it's not gone any further?'

'It was just a kiss'

He breathes out. 'I fucking asked him' His disdain for the man in question is growing. 'He said nothing is going on'

'Nothing is' She sighs. 'He's a nice guy-'

He sniggers at that. 'Clearly. Did you like it?' She contemplates his question. 'Did. You. Like. It?' She swallows. 'Don't be shy now. Don't pretend you're not enjoying pissing me off'

Her eyes narrow. 'Fine' She concedes. 'Maybe I am. Maybe you feel an ounce of what I feel. Whatever you're feeling right now times it by a hundred'

'So this is about payback. Despite you declaring you're not that childish'

'Maybe I am'

'Did. You. Like. It?'

'...it was... different'

'Good different?'

'I was drunk'

He already knows that. He'd seen how intoxicated she was on the night in question. Had put her to bed. Laid with her. That knowledge eases the knot in his stomach a little because somehow it makes it not so real in his eyes. 'He took advantage of you-'

'No' She rolls her eyes. 'I knew exactly what I was doing-'

'I saw how fucking drunk you were. You came back here and insisted I stay!'

'I was drunk by that point. If anyone took advantage it was you!'

He snorts and shakes his head. 'You fucking make out with some guy you barely know and come back and ask your husband to hold you and yet I'm the bad guy?! Are you forgetting that I know every fucking version of you?'

'Well I don't know every version of you' She hisses. 'I didn't marry a man that's capable of infidelity- that's not what I signed up for!'

'Well you're learning from me it seems doesn't it? You think what I did gives you the right to do the same?! Well it doesn't!'

'Why?! Why doesn't it?!'

'Because I said so!' He lamely decides. 'Is this Brooke?'

'Don't bring her into this-'

'Well I know she's got it in her head you dating someone will fucking fix this!'

'She's done nothing but be there for me!'

'How long did it last?'

'I'm not giving you details-'

'The hell you aren't! I get to question you!' He barks. 'In fact show me'

'Show you'

'Yes'

'Absolutely not-'

She laughs because he's being absurd but his mouth covering hers soon ceases her laughter. She yelps. The hand on her throat squeezes slightly before disappearing into her hair. Apparently she's pushed him too far tonight and he's done trying to let her be in control of their screwed up relationship. He grunts. Her hands push against his shoulders as his tongue forcefully swirls around hers with more aggression than she's use to. His hands find her wrists again and battle them back to the wall. 'Stop it' He breathes into her mouth.

'You stop' She hisses. 'Let go'

'When you tell me how' He growls. She's breathing heavily. Adrenaline pumping round her body.

'...He asked me. He asked me if he could and I said yes and then he kissed me' He's squinting at her as he waits for her to continue.

'If you hadn't already noticed I'm not feeling terribly patient right now' He warns. A shiver runs down her spine as he jerks her against the wall again. It's a thrill. He's rarely rough with her. If anything it's always been at her request that he not be so gentle. 'Peyton'

'No tongue at first. Just chaste-' He cuts her off, lets his lips graze hers for a moment before brushing his nose against hers.

'Like that?' He whispers.

'...yes'

He frowns. Is imagining her lips on Julian's. Imagining her being this close to another man. 'Then what?'

'...He took my bottom lip between his'

'Did you think about me?' He grunts.

'...yes'

'What did you think?'

'I thought about how mad you'd be. I thought about you appearing and dragging me away' She leaves out the part where she'd imagined him doing what he's doing now. Pushing her up against a wall and kissing her. Leaves out how it had turned her on. The thought of him being so possessive. She doesn't need to imagine anymore.

'And that made you stop it?' He desperately starts imagining her pulling away.

'No. It made me stay'

'Because you want to hurt me?' He growls.

'I think I wanted to know that I'll eventually move on. That you're not going to be in my head-'

'But I was in your head'

'Yes'

'I'm always gonna be there. You hear? Did it feel like this with him? Hmm?' He doesn't wait for an answer. Doesn't want one. 'God I fucking need you right now' She gasps as he hitches her leg up around him. 'You feel that? That's for you. For you. Only you' His mouth is back on hers and she's trying to think when he last had her like this. When he last fucked her against a wall. She can't even recall. Hates that she can't recall. Hates that sex had become everything that this isn't. It had revolved around schedules and cycles and baby making and then grief had consumed her. There'd been no spontaneity. No lust. No desire. She's painfully aware of that. It's been eating away at her because she still blames herself for the demise of their relationship. Not that she's admitted that out loud to him.

There's a fire inside of her right now. That he's made. That he's always been responsible for. A fire she's convinced only he can start. She whimpers as he rocks against her. His hands are no longer needed in holding her hostage. They're everywhere, ghosting over her gently one moment and then squeezing parts of her that have gone untouched for far too long.

And it's soon not enough. He wants more. He stumbles away from the wall and haphazardly seeks out the table. Everything is moving so quickly. She blinks as she's sat on the hard surface. He shifts a chair out the way. It topples. Clatters to the floor. Their eyes avert to the ceiling. Their ears straining as the parent in them has them anticipating little feet.

It's enough time to get the cogs turning in her head. He knows when he looks back down at her that she's on the brink of stopping this. 'It's fine. They're asleep' He tries to shut down her thoughts. He wants to take her upstairs. Wants to take his time with her. But that's not an option. He knows that's not an option because she's not saying no right now and he knows if he tries to get her upstairs and have her on a bed she's going to have enough time to come to her senses. Knows she'll make him leave. And he wants her. God does he want her. Needs to show her. It's been far too long since they've done this. He needs to make her remember that she's still tied to him in every way possible.

'They could come down' She's slipped off the edge of the table and his hands waste no time in lifting her back into place. 'Luke'

'Shh. They're not coming down' He preempts her trying to make another escape and urgently stands between between her legs.

'You don't know that' Her words are mumbled against his mouth.

'I know' He's frantically hoisted the fabric of her maxi dress up now and his hands run up and down the creamy skin of her thighs down to her knees. 'Why're your legs so smooth?' She looks at him like he's crazy then. 'Don't give me that look. Answer the question'

'It's a little something called shaving-'

'Yeah and it's a little something you tend to only do when you're wearing a short dress or you're going somewhere fancy or you're trying to seduce me and see I know it's none of those fucking things. Did you shave your legs for him? Were you gonna let him have you?'

'You think I shave my legs to seduce you?' She's amused by his reasonings. 'I shave my legs for me jackass'

He sniggers at that because whilst he's heard her moan about how her legs are prickly on countless occasions and she doesn't like how it feels he also knows she's more likely to have them silky smooth if she's anticipating this.

'Liar' He coaxes her back forcefully.

'You need to go' She gasps as her back makes contact with the table top. She knows he's not going anywhere.

'No thank you' He disagrees. He's glaring at her and she wants to run her finger over the frown line on his forehead. Doesn't. 'I need to remind you where your legs belong' A startled noise sounds from the back of her throat as he jerks her to the edge of the table so they're better aligned. He's unbuckling his belt, his eyes locked with hers. She says nothing. Seems to have lost her ability to talk in the last five seconds. She knows exactly what she should be doing but she can't find it in herself to stop this. He hooks his hands beneath her knees to hoist her legs higher round him. 'You seem to have forgotten haven't you?' He's bearing down on her now. His face millimetres from hers. 'This is where they're meant to be' She thinks she shouldn't be aroused by his wild expression. Thinks she should be somewhat unnerved at the very least but how can she be when she believes every last word. This really is where they belong. 'They've not been around him have they?' She falters because she's got so wrapped up in him that she momentarily doesn't know what on earth he's talking about. 'Have they?' His crazed expression has her answering.

'I already told you'

'If you even think about fucking doing this with him' She'd thought they'd dropped the Julian topic. Is a little bewildered by how he's viewing him as such a threat. 'Do you know how many days it's been since I last had you?' She knows roughly. '334 days. Nearly a fucking year. A year Peyton and even then I didn't really fucking have you did I?!-'

'It's not been that long for you though has it?! You're flying off the handle over a kiss! You fucked someone else- have you given me the details-'

'I will! You won't let me fucking talk about it! I want to tell you everything. I just wanted you! I was pretending she was-'

'Don't, I don't want to hear it-'

'See' He grunts in frustration. 'You won't let me!'

'Would you want to know the details?' She pushes against his chest and he grapples her wrists back to the table. 'Would you want to know how another man made me fall apart? How another man had touched me in places only you should, that I'd wanted someone more than you?'

'There aren't any details because you've not been with him' She doesn't say anything. 'You just said nothing happened'

'Maybe it did'

'Don't play games with me'

She's smiling and strains against his tight hold. 'It didn't mean anything so it doesn't matter right?'

'Peyton'

'What's wrong?'

'You're lying'

'Am I?' His eyes are so dark. She's never seen the expression on his face before. Stares back. '...does it feel like somebody is tearing your heart in two?' She wonders. 'Because that's what I felt'

He closes his eyes. Remembers her on that day. Knows that's not an exaggeration. She'd looked almost winded. As though he'd struck her in the gut. 'I know you're lying'

'Are you imagining him touching me?-'

'Stop' He growls. 'You wouldn't let him have you. You wouldn't'

'I thought you'd never let anyone have you-'

He opens his eyes and she notes the glassiness. '...tell me the truth'

Waits a beat before she puts him out of his misery because despite her anger and satisfaction at pissing him off it's still there. The innate need to protect him. '...of course I haven't' She whispers.

'No?'

'No' She confirms.

He kisses her then. Hard. In a frenzy. A noise sounds in the back of her throat because he's pressing against her in all the right places and it feels so good. 'Do you know how much it kills me? You kissing him?' He mumbles against her mouth.

She sniggers in disbelief. 'You kissed her! And Fucked her. I could never have fucked someone else!' She spouts then. 'Never! This is yours' She arches her back.

'Yes. It is'

'But I don't want it to be anymore' She glares at him because if she doesn't go with anger right now she's going to start sobbing.

'Don't say that' He's urgently pushing his pants down now. 'Do you know how much I need you?'

'Want and need aren't the same thing. You don't need me'

'No?' He yanks at her underwear hard then, her eyes rounding at the ripping sound together with the way the waistband feels as though it's cutting into her hips.

'Luke! Ow!' He tugs again and this time the fabric actually gives way. 'What the fuck' She pulls her dress up higher to inspect her skin.

'You'll survive'

'They were new Dickhead'

He's not listening, blindly reaches behind her neck as she continues to dramatically study the skin at her hips. He pulls the bow that's keeping her dress in place free. Watches giddily as the fabric falls to reveal her braless chest.

She blinks. Feels slightly under attack considering she'd been fully clothed five seconds ago. Her eyes find his. Swallows because his gaze is intense. He brushes his knuckles over her cheek. 'Do you want me to stop?' His question takes her off guard. She licks her lips.

He doesn't need her answer because he already knows but he wants it just the same. Wants it said out loud. '...no'

'Lay back then'

She hesitates before following his demand and laying back down. His hand makes a path down the centre of her torso. He considers getting rid of the fabric bunched around her waist. Would ideally like to be rid of his own clothing completely. To feel her flesh against his but there's suddenly no time.

A noise passes her quivering lips because she's barely horizontal again when he's right _there_ where he's not been in far too long. She's not expecting it. Not yet. He's known for taking his sweet time. He's not heard her make that noise in far too long. Drowns in the way those big eyes are looking up at him in surprise. He revels in it. He pushes into her a little. Smiles at the answering whimper she makes. As quickly as he's there he's gone again. Her hands flail until they find purchase on the edge of the table and then he's rocking into her again, the whole way this time. Hard and fast. She rolls her head back and gasps noisily. 'Fuck' He drops his head into the crook of her neck for a minute. He's been concerned that she'd actually never allow him this again and he doesn't know how he'd survive. Doesn't know how he's survived without her like this for so long. 'Fucking christ'

He knows he's just been a little rough with her and her jagged breathing together with her own breathy cuss has him gruffly murmuring into her ear. 'You always tell me not to take my sweet time' He draws his face up. Smirks into her mouth. 'God you feel so fucking good' His hands have snared her wrists yet again as he grapples for complete control of her 'You ok?'

'Oh you care now?' She retorts.

'Did I hurt you?' His brow is quick to furrow.

'...no' She closes her eyes and takes a shuddering breath. She's not strong enough. She's giving into this. Letting her body have what it needs.

'Open your eyes' She does. He always had got off on keeping his eyes locked with hers.

'Just get on with it' She exhales because he might not have taken his sweet time initially but he definitely is now and she doesn't want to think because if she's gonna think she's gonna linger on the fact that she most definitely shouldn't be doing this right now.

'Don't boss me about' She snorts because she's sure he's possibly been the most domineering he's ever been in the last half hour and he's got the nerve to call her bossy right now.

'You have me pinned to a table Luke'

'Yeah' He smiles. 'I do'

'Don't look so proud of yourself'

'I think you need to be quiet now'

'Now who's bossy'

He moves abruptly to shut her up. Succeeds. Her feet lock at his back as he finds a rhythm, a repetitive whimpering hum sounding in the back of her throat. A noise that conveys how into this she is. A noise he's not use to hearing so quickly. A noise he's not been successful in summoning from her in far too long.

One of his hands soon leaves her wrist to find her thigh. His mouth trails a haphazard path down her neck and her fingers use their new found freedom and find their way into his hair. He smiles as he reaches her chest. She never could keep her hands out of his hair. He's missed her hands. Her touch.

She mewls as his tongue lavishes flesh that has long gone without attention.

She's not quite sure how she's wound up here. She definitely didn't foresee the end of her day panning out like this. She's felt irritated and on edge all day. She's held him responsible for that and sure he is but she also knows there's a bigger force at play. Knows their mirroring irritability is also partly because of the memories summoned of their own shower that Brooke had thrown just a week before they'd lost their son.

His face is back above hers again now. He's seeking out her eyes. He's missed her eyes in moments like this. Moments when he knows he's the only person in the world they'll go that shade of colour for. Knows she's only ever looked at him like she is. She draws his head closer as she chases her release. Kisses him because his intense stare is too much and she's going to cry if she keeps looking into his gaze. These kisses are needy and messy and breathless.

'Look at me' He's soon demanding again.

'No' She whines.

'Look at me'

'God you're so annoying'

'Look at me' She relents. 'Good girl'

'Don't talk to me like that-'

'Shh' He nuzzles his nose against hers. Now that he's got what he wants he just wants to hear her moan for him. She does a moment later and he instantly slows the almost feral rhythm he's established.

'No' She complains because she'd been so close and she knows he knows it.

'Mhm, in a minute' He coos. 'Tell me you want me'

'Luke'

'Say it'

'No'

'Come on, say it' She doesn't. His fingers dig into the flesh of her backside. She gasps but doesn't surrender. 'I miss you. I want you all the time. Did you know that it's like torture not being able to have you like this whenever I want' She stares into his eyes. His words have her guilt making an appearance. He watches her eyes fill. 'Why're you crying? Don't cry' He rocks his forehead against hers. 'Baby'

She stays silent for a long moment. He thinks he should be use to the silent treatment but it still cuts deep because his wife had once confided her deepest thoughts in him. 'I'm sorry' Her quiet apology is more than a surprise.

'What? What for?'

'All sorts of things' Her voice wavers.

He shakes his head. 'No' He hums. 'You don't need to be sorry about anything ok?' He sort of wishes they weren't like this right now because he wants her to say more. That wall is down but they can't have a conversation right now. Not the one that's required. He resorts to drawing her mouth back to his. In getting lost in her completely. In distracting her.

She's grateful that he doesn't try to get her to say more. That he gives them both what they need. It doesn't take much. They're both so tightly wound. They both fall. Fall hard. See stars. It's a well deserved escape. A moment of freedom. A moment that's just them.

He basks in the euphoria of his release. Lets his weight slump against her for a moment. She use to tell him how much she loved these moments. The initial moments after when he'd be in bliss and oblivious to how he was suffocating her. He's not so relaxed right now though. Doesn't allow himself long before he's looking backing into her face.

Her breathing is still staccatoed. Regret is quick to wash over her as his thumb drifts over her bottom lip. 'I love you' His eyes are pleading. Wants her to say it back. She twists her head away. His stomach knots. 'Peyton' She closes her eyes.

'Can you get off me' She whispers. He sighs. He toys with the idea of refusing. Feels his frustration coiling back around his limbs. 'Please get off' Her second plea is more desperate and has him conforming and reluctantly shifting back off of her. He seeks out his fallen pants. Watches her fumble with the fabric of her dress, stops himself from assisting. She eases herself off the table, her hands rearranging the flowing skirt of her dress. He picks up her underwear from the floor. Thinks better of handing the ripped bit of fabric to her but she's soon confiscating it. Her expression is making him feel sick.

'Sweetheart come on' He whines because he doesn't want this, whatever this was, to be tarnished by her suddenly regretting it. Who's he kidding, he knew she'd regret it. Knew she was regretting it during it and he feels even more like an ass than he ever has before. 'This is a good thing-'

'How?' Her eyes are wide. 'We shouldn't have done that' Her hand flails.

'Don't say that' He squints at her because he doesn't like how that sounds.

Her face contorts. 'I think you should go now-'

'No' He disagrees. 'We need to talk about this-'

'There's nothing to talk about. It was wrong and-'

'Don't ever call that wrong. God it's not wrong for us to be together-'

'We're not together though Luke. This is already messy enough as it is-'

'I welcome the mess if it means I get to feel close to you for more than five seconds. Only you make me fall apart like that baby. Only you-'

'You've proved that's not the case-'

'It is! God it is. I'm getting help too' He blurts desperately. 'I've started seeing a counsellor as well. Ok?' Her brow kinks. 'and, and I think if we both just keep on talking about this and then have sessions together too like we said, we, we can come back from this. We can... the girls need us to be together. I love you. I know you still love me' His eyes glaze over and she feels a lump forming in the back of her throat.

'Of course I love you' She whispers.

'That's all that matters'

'...did you seriously think that fucking me was gonna just fix everything?'

'No. Of course not but I...' He scrapes his hand through his hair.

'I'm sorry if I made you think that...It's hard to say no to you-'

'You've said no plenty' He disagrees. She swallows. He exhales heavily. 'I shouldn't have said that'

'Why? It's only the truth' She acknowledges. 'I...I know it's my own fault' She nods. 'Everything'

'No don't think that. Us not having sex isn't an excuse for what I did. It's not'

'No...it, it's not' She chews on her cheek. 'But it is my fault you went there' She mumbles. He opens his mouth to argue but she carries on speaking 'Can't you, you understand even a little bit though? Especially now?' She wonders. 'You've contemplated me sleeping with Julian tonight and you lost your shit. I actually have had to deal with you doing that for real...tell me honestly, if you put yourself in my shoes how would you feel?'

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth for a long moment. 'Devastated. Broken hearted'

'...and would you forgive me?' He doesn't say anything. 'Because see, I know you, I know that you'd struggle with being able to let it go. You would' She hoarsely declares. '...I'm trying really hard to sort my head out...and I, I'm grateful that you, you're trying too...I, I just want us to concentrate on the girls...'

'So you need more time. That's ok'

She shakes her head. 'The only thing I will commit to is that I, I promise nothing is going on with Julian. It was stupid and I, I made sure that he knows that I'm not on the dating scene. I promise I'll tell you straight out if, if I ever am gonna go on a date with anyone' Her words are somehow equally reassuring and heartbreaking to him because on the one hand it feels like she's telling him she's still invested in this and on the other it feels like she's very much still on board with this whole separation. He stares at her. Suddenly can't speak. '...that's just where I'm at Luke'


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N Thank you so much for all the love on the last chapter. I'm so sorry for the long wait- I've been on holiday!**

EIGHTEEN

'Do you like Julian?'

Brooke startles and pauses in the task of folding the table cloth she's mid helping her friend put away. 'What?'

'Julian. Do you like him?' Peyton repeats. She shakes the fabric again and walks the two corners she's holding to meet the brunette's end.

'What're you talking about?!' Brooke snatches the freshly washed material from Peyton altogether. The blonde watches her fold it into smaller squares in an angry manner. Her eyebrows raise.

'The way you were looking at him yesterday. I dunno' Peyton shrugs. 'I just kinda felt like...'

'Like what?' Brooke sets the material down on the sideboard and looks at Peyton with glaring eyes.

'That you might be a little bit into him?'

'I wasn't looking at him like anything!' Brooke exclaims.

'Why're you getting all defensive? I'm not having a go at you. I just wondered cause I started thinking maybe you think I'd be upset. I know I kissed him but it didn't mean anything and I've made sure he knows that now. If you're interested that's absolutely fine. Not that you need my permission or anything but if you're thinking he's off limits that's so not the case. I can ask him if-'

'Don't you dare' Brooke blurts.

Peyton's eyes narrow. '...You do like him' A small smile curls her lips.

'No'

'Yes'

'No!'

'You so do! And you know what I think it would be a great match'

Brooke bats her hand and rolls her eyes. 'I thought I was summoned here to help you tidy away everything from yesterday but from what I can gather you've already done it all. Is this why you all but demanded I stop by? For an interrogation?'

Peyton smiles at her friend's uncharacteristically riled form. 'I asked you nicely if you'd come help me take away the many balloon arches that you oh so kindly issued with me actually' And perhaps as a distraction from her own torturous thoughts but she's not about to divulge that.

'Right. Well where are they?'

'In my car. I thought we could take them to the children's centre in town- might as well get another use out of them'

'So you've already packed them up? Really required my assistance didn't it' The brunette huffs.

'Sorry for wanting to spend time with my best friend' Peyton gibes. 'Don't get all catty with me cause you're crushing on Mr Baker-'

'I'm not anything! What happened after I left last night?'

'Oh no you don't' Peyton wags her finger 'Don't change the subject. We're not talking about me'

'Why?! Did something happen?' Brooke's irritation with her best friend's questioning fades into curiosity.

'Don't turn this around on me. God forbid we talk about you for five seconds-'

'Did you tell him about the kiss?'

Peyton sighs. 'Yes'

'What did he say?'

'What do you think he said? _Oh sweetheart that's wonderful_ ' She mimics.

Brooke smirks. 'Your Luke impressions are always so hilarious. You do realise you make your voice go higher for him?'

'Well he whines all the time!'

'So he got mad?' Brooke's eyes are wide as she eagerly awaits her friend's summary of what had occurred between the tumultuous pair.

'Why do you look excited?'

'I'm not I'm curious'

'No you're not' Peyton contends. 'You're like a drama junky you know that?'

Brooke cackles. 'I am not! Sorry for being interested in knowing what's going on in your personal life. Come on, what went down?'

'What do you think went down?' She answers without answering.

'Well ideally you at least made out. If not more. But judging by how uptight you are right now I'm guessing that's not what happened. Are you two not talking now?' Brooke pouts because she assumes her best friend's sudden vexed expression is a clear indication that they'd quarrelled. She's not altogether wrong. About any of her assumptions apart from the later.

'We are talking' Peyton mumbles. Chews on the inside of her cheek. Isn't about to confide they had in fact made out. And more. She's not sure why she's not divulging the true nature of her interaction with her husband with the girl beside her. Lord knows Brooke knows every nitty gritty detail about their relationship. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to see that excitement dancing in her best friends eyes anymore than it had been just moments ago because she's sure it will be and she can't deal with it. Not when she has zero idea how she feels about anything.

'Did he give you a hard time? You look tired'

'Why thanks B...he was mad' She shrugs. 'I don't really want to talk about it. I'm going to see Moira in a while. I don't want to rehash it twice. He was angry but I think he knows he has no right to be. I mean maybe he does have a right to be' Peyton shrugs. Brooke doesn't comment. Opens and closes her mouth. Peyton squints at her. '...You know I find it even more disconcerting when you don't give me your opinion'

Brooke smiles. 'What do you want me to say?'

'You clearly have plenty to say'

'I don't think you did anything wrong' Brooke softly announces. 'I think it was helpful in getting you to start addressing how you really feel...I think he loves you and of course he has reason to be upset but he can't be angry, not after what he's done' Peyton presses her lips together. 'I thought you just said you didn't want to talk about it right now?'

'I don't' Peyton confirms with an assertive nod, determinedly ridding her husband from her mind. 'I want to talk about you and Julian'

'Oh my god. Shut up' Brooke abruptly strides away from the blonde. 'Where's your car keys? Children are in need of balloons' She marches toward the key hook that's situated near the door only to find it predictably keyless. 'For god sake when are you actually gonna start using this bloody thing. I swear you lose an hour a day to searching for your bloody keys'

'They're probably in the car.'

'Real safe' Brooke stalks back down the hall to the door that leads to the garage, Peyton shadowing her.

'So shall I ask Julian when he's free to go out for dinner with you?'

'Mention Julian again and I'm actually going to hit you'

'You're not fun' Peyton smirks.

'I'm loads of fun' They're in the garage now. She gestures to the rainbow arches that are squished in the car. 'I'm the girl that always brings the balloons!'

•••

'I had sex with Luke' She's pacing. Moira doesn't say anything. Peyton's eyes skitter to her and leave just as quickly. Her cheeks are hot. Moira says nothing. Peyton briefly wonders if she's telepathic. Has noticed that the mousy haired woman seems to be able to identify when she's got a whole lot more to confess. Will wait for however long is necessary before she works up courage to confide. '...I also kissed Julian last week' She blurts. 'I didn't tell you that last time. I kissed him'

The therapist's eyebrow kinks. 'Ok. Why don't you come sit down and take a deep breath'

Peyton hesitates. She's barely slept. Her thoughts are like a see-saw. One minute she's filled with self hate. The next hatred for her husband. The next she's recounting how his lips had felt on her skin. How they'd felt. Together. Again. After so, so long. How he'd held her down on the kitchen table. How he'd looked at her so intensely. How had they not done that for so long? How had she not wanted that for so long?

She sits down with a sigh.

'...why do you think you didn't mention Julian in our last session?'

She pushes her hand through her hair. Her fingers retract when they find a knot. She wonders what she looks like then. Didn't even glance in the mirror today. Thinks it can't be too awful because surely Brooke would've told her so '...I don't know... I'm embarrassed I guess. Because you'll disapprove-'

'This is a non judgemental zone-'

'That's bullshit' She bleats.

'No it's not. I'm here to help you get your thoughts in order and offer you an alternative perspective. If I sat here judging all my clients I'd be on the verge of a mental breakdown' Moira smiles softly. 'How did this kiss come about?'

'...I was drunk'

'So it was out of the blue'

'Yes and no. I don't know!' She slaps her hands against her thighs. 'Brooke wanted a night out and Julian was round at mine and I mentioned I was going to Trek and I don't know, I, he clearly wanted to come and then I...I don't know' She presses her lips together and looks to the ceiling. Blinks. '...Brooke kept telling me he likes me and I didn't believe her at first but then it became apparent that he does and well I...I don't know what I'm doing' She whispers. 'I, I've done shit that so isn't me the last couple of weeks. I'm a bitch'

'I wouldn't define somebody that's confused as a bitch'

'I am though cause I, I think I wanted to see if I could do it'

'Do it? Do what?'

'If I could move on or something...I mean maybe if I have a one night stand maybe I'd be able to let it go you know? Because we'd both have been unfaithful but I can't. I don't want to sleep with anyone else'

'We should never make ourselves do something that we don't want to do' Moira's voice soothes. 'How did this kiss feel?'

'Wrong' There's a lump in the back of her throat as she recalls the expression that had formed on her husband's face when she'd come clean. It was one she'd not been confronted with before. Betrayal and devastation had danced in his eyes. '...it felt wrong' She nods. 'I've been telling myself otherwise. I mean it, it wasn't horrible, it wasn't unpleasant or anything but I couldn't stop thinking and the butterflies in my stomach weren't the good kind'

'Well ok, it seems like you've learnt something about yourself'

'I went home after and Luke was at the house. He wasn't meant to be there. The kids were meant to be at my brother and sister-in-laws and their kid was sick so he'd got them and, the point is he was there and I asked him to stay and lay with me'

'At which point you wound up having sex?'

'No' Peyton shakes her head. 'I would've if he'd tried though...but he'd never do that when I was like that'

'You've never had drunk sex with Lucas?'

'Yes but it's different now. He'd have classified it as him taking advantage of me. He just laid with me'

'Laid with you'

'Slept with me. Just slept though...I know I was drunk but I've not slept that well in forever. I always sleep better with him there'

'I thought you said you'd had sex?'

'Last night. Yes'

'How did last night come about?'

'It was the baby shower yesterday. Julian stopped by before hand to talk about some changes, well that's what he said but I think he just wanted to know where we stood and then Luke showed up and...' She sighs. 'I felt weird. I felt on edge. The second he walked in I felt like he fucking knew'

'Knew you'd kissed Julian?'

'Yeah and I, I'm still convinced he did just know even though that's impossible but he, sometimes I swear he can read my mind...Julian wound up staying for the shower and that pissed Luke off...'

'You fought?'

'...he talked to Julian. He told him to back off'

'And that irritated you?' Moira assumes.

Peyton frowns. '...he just assumes something is going on'

'Isn't there?'

'No!' She exclaims.

'But you did kiss Julian'

'Yes but it...' She trails off, thinks perhaps she sounds insane. '...He didn't know that at the time'

'But you're convinced he did, or at the very least suspected?'

Peyton exhales heavily. Her head is aching. '...I think I was already irritated. The shower, it just...I'd had a shower the week before we lost Finley. It made everything so much worse in a way. We had all this baby stuff for him laying around the house...it bought it all back'

'That must've been difficult for the both of you'

'...he stayed after everyone had left to help put the girls to bed and of course Roe stays in bed for him' She huffs as she changes the subject. '...I was tired and...'

'You argued?'

'Yes. He kept asking me what was going on. He wouldn't drop it and I, I just ended up telling him... he got really mad and I know it's messed up but it...'

'You enjoyed upsetting him?'

'...no...yes. I don't know. It's more that I think I liked that he wasn't being so fucking sweet...I don't know why but I just couldn't say no. I didn't want to say no. I just, I know it's screwed up but him being like that it...' Her hands are back in her hair.

'Him being like what?'

'He was just so...we've had rough sex plenty of times but last night he was different he was so...domineering and...' She scowls. 'Why does that turn me on? That's not normal is it?'

Moira smiles gently. 'Everybody has different fantasies'

'I don't want to be controlled though. I've only ever wanted to be his equal'

'It's even more important to be equals when it comes to dominance. If there's no trust then it's about control and control alone...Perhaps it turned you on because you've been doubting his desire for you and last night most definitely proved otherwise and made you feel more wanted' She ponders Moira's observation. 'Did you feel wanted?'

'...yes'

'And you wanted him?'

'...yes'

'...how do you feel about that?'

'About wanting him?'

'Yes'

'...guilty'

'Why guilty?'

'Because I don't want him convinced that...' her hands are back in her lap and flex against her thighs.

'That this isn't over between you?'

'Exactly. After I, I tried to make it clear that it doesn't change anything but I dunno that I did the best job'

'Well from what you've conveyed to me it's apparent that he's already convinced this isn't over'

'But I don't know what I want so I don't want him thinking...' her hands are yet again back in her tangled hair.

'You might not know what you want long term but last night it sounds like you knew what you wanted'

'It was just sex'

'You just wanted sex?'

'Yes. What's that look?' She glares at the woman.

'What look?'

'You're giving me that look B gives me every 5 seconds'

'And what look is that?'

'The I don't believe a word you're saying look'

Moira smiles. 'You've talked about last night with your best friend?'

'Hell no'

'And why's that?'

'Because she's good at pretending she's all for me getting a divorce but I know her. I know she wants me back with him. Anyway, I'm not putting even more shit on her. She's already put up with so much of my crap the last few years'

'And as we've discussed, as your best friend I'm sure she's more than happy to be there for you. If she couldn't be that for you she'd have distanced herself...When was the last time you and Lucas had sex before last night?' Peyton stiffens. 'You've mentioned several times that you've not felt like you've had any sexual drive, that that part of your relationship had been strained' Peyton opens and closes her mouth '...this subject is making you anxious'

'I don't know why' She sighs. 'I guess because I...'

'Because you?'

'I guess I've never needed to talk about it with anyone but him and it, it feels wrong...'

'To talk about it behind his back?'

'Something like that and also just...' She shrugs. 'We never use to have any problems in that department. I...we're not together so I guess there's no problem anymore'

'You still haven't answered the question'

'It...it, there was like one time, I think it was a couple of months before he slept with Lindsey...'

'But that had been an unusual occurrence at that point?'

'I made myself'

'You didn't want to?'

'No but he wanted me and I just. People appease their partners all the time don't they? It's not a big deal'

'You don't think he'd have understood that you didn't feel like it?'

'...I hadn't let him in forever so it, I felt bad I guess...I couldn't explain why I didn't want to so it...' Her shoulders rise and fall.

'Did you do that a lot? Have sex when you didn't want to?'

'No' Peyton shakes her head. 'I always use to want to. I...I still don't know why I didn't. I didn't want him touching me for the longest time it...it made my skin crawl and he...' She presses her lips together. '...I don't know why I...I couldn't love him more. I couldn't be more attracted to anyone and yet...'

'And you think these feelings started specifically after you lost your son?'

'...yes'

'It can be hard to find pleasure in doing even the smallest of things when we're grieving...you wanted sex last night right?'

'...yes' Peyton huffs because she's sure she's already admitted that more than the once.

'And that's the first time you've been intimate in anyway since that last time you had sex?'

'Yes...well no...about a month ago Brooke had a launch party for her summer line and I...Luke...I, he, he got jealous'

'Something happened between the two of you that night too?'

Peyton feels her cheeks getting hot under the women's gaze. She scrapes her hand through her hair. '...we were arguing. He, he didn't like what I was wearing'

'What were you wearing?'

'Brooke had made me this red dress. It wasn't inappropriate but it was a bit attention seeking I guess' She resolves.

'And he didn't like you getting attention?'

'He was the only one giving me attention. Julian was there though and he, he's been jealous of him from the get go'

'You had sex then too?'

'I we argued and then..' She exhales. '...he touched me, fingered me...'

'And how was that?' Peyton's brow kinks. She's not sure what response she was expecting but it definitely wasn't the question she's been asked.

'I...it was...' She licks her lips. 'I liked it...I've not felt like that in so long...he was just, he was worked up and..assertive I guess. It's like he wouldn't take no for an answer' She ponders her words. 'That didn't sound good. He'd have stopped if I'd really meant it. I feel like I'm painting him as this guy that's rough with me. He'd never hurt me. You don't think he hurts me do you?' She worries.

'No I don't think that. It's quite natural for scenarios of this nature to get heated though' Peyton picks at the arm of the sofa 'Have things ever got volatile between you in a way that has unnerved you?'

'No'

'I don't think you should be alarmed by your desire for him to take the lead so to speak then. Do you think perhaps the idea of him controlling that is appealing because he's been tip toeing around you for so long?'

'Lucas doesn't tip toe' She disagrees. 'He's made it more than apparent what he wants...but I guess before I made him move out he was walking on egg shells a lot'

'And that bothered you?'

'Yes but that's unfair isn't it? How can I be mad at him for being sweet? For not being a mind reader? How was he ever meant to have a chance of doing the right thing when I didn't even know what the right thing was?'

'I think it's really important that you recognise neither of you are at fault. You weren't at fault for feeling frustrated with him. Your depression and anxiety have governed you. And you can't blame him for desperately trying to make things better even if none of it helped'

Peyton nods slowly. '...I know'

'...how did things end with you last night?'

'I told him I was sorry if I'd confused him. I promised him nothing is going on with Julian and if I ever do intend to date anyone I'll tell him first'

'But that's not your intention, to start dating other people is it?'

'...I can't even think about that yet. I know the Julian thing isn't a great example of that but I'm...it actually makes me feel physically sick. Having sex with anyone but him...' She sighs. 'And then I'm angry because I don't want to be alone...and then I, I'm mad at myself because I know this is my fault. All of it. But I'm so mad at him. I'm still so mad'

'...how do you think you'd feel if he started seeing someone else right now?'

Her face crumples. 'Livid. Devastated. All the things...and then a part of me thinks I, I'd have more fuel to add to the fire. I'd like having more reason to hate him because then it'd be easier wouldn't it?'

'To help with your mission in no longer being in love with him? To pretend you don't care?'

'Something like that'

'You can't run from your feelings'

'No' There's a stinging sensation in her nose again. 'I think last night just emphasised to me that I'm always gonna be his' She mutters. 'Whatever he does'

'You see yourself as something that can be owned?'

'...no and yes...'

'What do you mean by that?'

'...I guess if you've given your heart to someone, if you've both given something freely it's, when you commit yourself to someone it's like a type of ownership in a sense, well that's how I feel. I gave it all to him at seventeen'

'What I'm hearing right now is that you're still committed to Lucas, to your marriage. Do you think that?'

'...I love him...and then I think about him doing what he did with me last night to Lindsey and I...' Her eyes well. Shakes her head. 'It makes me doubt that he loves me the way I love him because I, I couldn't do that' Moira hands her a tissue. '...He's meant to just want me like'

'...I know we've had several sessions together now. How do you think you'd feel about asking Lucas to join us? I think you need to hear his perspective'

•••

'We had sex'

'We being?'

Lucas's eyes narrow. 'Peyton. Who else?'

'I just wanted to clarify'

'I'm not sleeping with other people. Do you think I'm a serial cheater?'

'I don't think anything of the sort. You're here to talk through your problems Lucas, one of which is wrapped up in infidelity. Is it so absurd for me to question who?'

'...I guess not' He grumbles.

'How did that come about?'

'I dunno. I, it was Haley and Nathan's shower over the weekend and I, I go to the house expecting to find just family there and the guy she's working with was there'

'Had he been invited?'

'He'd supposedly dropped by for work reasons but I know that's bullshit'

'How do you know that's bullshit?'

'Because he' His hands constrict around the arms of the sofa. 'Because he kissed her'

'At the shower?'

'No' He rises to his feet because the visual he's been trying to rid his mind of over the last couple of days is ever present. 'Friday before last'

'And how do you know this?'

'Because she confessed after I interrogated her'

'At the shower?'

'Yeah, well after everyone had left'

'And then you had sex?'

'Well it, we were arguing. I, I thought I was being insane' He shakes his head.

'How do you mean?'

'I know when someone likes her. I've spent our whole marriage watching guys check her out. It's not like I can blame them, she's beautiful' He wrings his hands together. 'If anything I've never minded because I, I have her. No one else does' He mumbles. 'She gave him this little smile and it just...I talked to Julian'

'Julian being her work colleague?'

'Yeah' He sighs. 'He assured me nothing is going on. He said they're just friends and I didn't have anything to worry about...I assumed she'd assure me of the same but then she tells me they fucking kissed' He expels.

'And that made you angry'

'Of course it made me angry' He glares at the still seated woman. 'She's my wife! She's not meant to be kissing anyone but me and I know I have no right to say that after what I did but she's still my wife! I'm allowed to be upset'

'Of course you are. It's only natural for you to be upset. Is she dating Julian?'

'No...she says she's made that clear to him. She says it was a mistake'

'And you believe her?'

'I believe that she's made it clear to him. She wouldn't lie about that. She said that she's not dating anyone and if that changes she'll tell me first'

'Well that's nice no?'

'Yeah because she's the nice one and I'm just awful' He mutters.

'I didn't say that. She's not obligated to disclose any information she doesn't want to though-'

'Yes she is' Lucas frowns. 'I have every right to know everything she does'

'Because you're married?'

'Yes!'

'Everyone is entitled to privacy Lucas'

'I'm not some controlling ass that needs her reporting to me but this is a little different no? You're just like everyone else'

'How do you mean?'

'The whole world thinks I'm this awful guy'

'The whole world?'

'Not the whole world but my friends and family'

'They've said that'

'They don't have to. You don't have to'

'I don't think you're an awful guy. I think you've felt very helpless over the last couple of years, I think you love your wife a lot. I think you're confused as to how you allowed yourself to jeopardise a relationship that evidently means a lot to you-'

'A lot' He sniggers. 'She's _everything_ ' He emphasises.

'Right and I think you're confused that she doesn't see things as clearly as you do'

'She does see things clearly. She's just stubborn...she told me she still loves me. Not that I needed her to...' He rubs the back of his neck. Carries on talking when the woman before him doesn't say anything. '...I do see how she feels. Because as she said last night, if it were the other way round I'd be struggling with letting it go. I know I would...I can barely think straight over her kissing someone else. Her sleeping with anyone, giving herself to anyone but me' He shakes his head. 'It makes me seething mad. She has every right to be seething mad' He nods. '...but I know as livid as I'd be this wouldn't just go away. I can't just stop loving her and she can't just stop loving me. This, it's beyond both of our control. We don't chose who we fall in love with do we?'

'No' The therapist offers him a small smile. 'But we do choose whether we want to live a life with that person...she might not have a choice in how she feels but she does have a choice Lucas'

 _•••_

'Do you not think that I have enough going on right now without you acting out?!' She shrieks. Her day has gone from bad to worse. It's been one thing after another. The usual calm she endeavours to bring to any conversation with her children is seemingly impossible right now. She's angry. Past angry. Sawyer's eyes are wide because she's never seen her Mother so mad, not at her. 'Well?! Aren't you going to say anything?' She doesn't understand. Keeps thinking she's going to wake up from this nightmare because this has to be a nightmare. Her kid wouldn't do this.

'…it was stupid'

'Stupid?' Peyton nods in feigned understanding. 'So you knew what you were doing was wrong?'

'…yes'

'And you did it anyway' Sawyer doesn't say anything. 'WELL?'

Lucas startles at the ferocity of her voice as he rounds the corner into the kitchen. She's standing next to the table. He momentarily thinks about the last time he was in this room. Thinks about how he'd had her laying across said table. Her wild expression doesn't allow him to linger on such memories. He's been summoned here for reasons unbeknown to him. His eyes flit between the two blonde's that appear to be stuck in an intense staring competition. '…er what's going on?'

Peyton glances at him and then back to the eleven year old. 'Do you want to tell your Dad what's going on?' Sawyer continues with her reign of silence. Her stare shifts to the ground. 'I was called to the principles office an hour ago' Peyton informs him. His brow furrows. 'Sawyer decided it would be a great idea to skip out on class this afternoon and was found behind the bleachers with some other girl and these' She uncurls her hand and Lucas's eyes bug out of his head.

'What?' He understands why she's past the point of no return. He's right there with her in all of five seconds. His eyes round on their oh so quite daughter. 'Are you kidding me right now?' He snaps. The child's head jerks up to look into her father's face. 'Now is the time when you tell me there's been a misunderstanding' He suggests. She gulps. She's not seen this side of her Dad in a good while. He's not raised his voice at her for so long. She's become accustomed to his apologies and endeavours to please her. He's got no interest in appeasing her right now though. 'Smoking?!' He thunders.

Peyton watches him, is thankful for his timing because quite frankly she doesn't know what to say. Hadn't ever considered that she'd be finding herself here. Certainly not yet anyway. She thought they had a few more years before they were dealing with these kind of scenarios.

'Who were you with?' Lucas demands.

'…L-Layla Ash-Ashmore'

'Layla. Who's Layla?'

'A kid'

'I'd gathered that! Is she in your class?'

'Yes'

'And who's idea was it?' Sawyer's shoulders shrug. 'You don't know?' He barks. 'Where did they even come from?'

'Layla took them from, from her brother's bag' She confesses.

'Do you know what smoking does to you?' She swallows. 'See I know that you know because you're smart and we've had this little chat with you more than just the once' Her eyes fill with tears then. 'I don't believe this' He's looking at Peyton now. 'What did the school say?'

'Suspended till Wednesday'

He grimaces. '…wait that's all? A day off?' He doesn't think the punishment is enough. Not in his eyes. Because this is his little girl and he cannot have her smoking. He cannot have her acting out like this at 11. 'It's not enough'

'No'

'That's seriously all they're gonna do?'

'I, I didn't know what to say' She'd been flustered in the meeting with the principle. Had been desperate for the man before her now to be present. 'They said cause it's so out of character they're going to be lenient'

'She was smoking Peyton! Smoking-'

'Don't yell at me' Peyton expels because she suddenly feels under attack.

'I didn't actually do it' Sawyer mumbles then. Both Lucas and Peyton's head's swivel back to her.

'You're telling me the dinner lady that caught you with a lit cigarette in your hand was seeing things?'

Sawyer sighs.

'Answer your mother' Lucas snaps.

'…she wasn't seeing things…I was going to, to just try it but I, I didn't'

Peyton shakes her head in disbelief and looks back to Lucas. 'She has Riley's party on Friday night-'

'I have to go to Riley's-'

'I suggest you be quiet' Lucas wags his finger at Sawyer.

She scowls, her stare flitting between her parents that are suddenly engaged in what appears to be a silent conversation. Their weakness suddenly becomes apparent. Their silence speaks volumes; they don't know what to do with her, they don't know how to deal with this situation. It's uncharted territory.

'I won't go to ice skating or karate for a while' Sawyer proposes suddenly.

Lucas snorts. 'You don't get to decide what is happening here'

'It was just a suggestion cause you clearly don't know what to do' She sassily declares.

'Don't talk to your Dad like that' Peyton reprimands.

'Oh you care now?'

Peyton's eyes expand. 'What is going on here?!' She cries in bewilderment because her child's out of character attitude isn't welcome.

'What?! You hate him and suddenly you're pretending to be on the same side'

'There is no sides' Lucas barks. 'Especially not when it comes to you. Is that clear?! Me and your mother will always be on the same page when it comes to you!'

'Clearly' She snorts.

'Yes clearly' Peyton backs him up.

'She doesn't do any clubs for the next couple of weeks-'

'We've paid till the end of the term' Peyton disputes because taking away their daughter's extra curricular activities doesn't seem like the right choice. 'She's not going to that party'

'Like hell is she!'

'That's what I just said!'

'Right! Me too!

'Why does it feel like we're arguing then?!'

'We're not, we're just passionately agreeing' He decides. There's a pause. Then something reminiscent of a smile touches her lips. He squints at her, amusement dancing in his own eyes.

The sound of their daughter disappearing has both their heads swivelling in her direction.

'Sawyer' They snap in unison.

She rolls her eyes. 'Don't roll your eyes' Lucas warns.

She keeps on walking.

'Excuse me! Don't ignore your Dad. Where do you think you're going?' Peyton scolds the stroppy child. 'We're not done here' She halts at the door.

'I'm helping you both out seeing as you're finding it oh so difficult' She dryly replies. 'I did something bad so I'm grounded! I'm going up to my room. To be grounded. I've left my phone on the table to be confiscated' She wavers her hand and their eyes dart to the surrendered item. 'And seeing as you've both _passionately_ agreed that I'm not going to Riley's party on Friday night, I guess I'm not going…You still want me to stay?' They glance at each other.

'Well...no. Go to your room'

'Yeah. Room' Lucas lamely agrees.

'That's what I thought'

They watch her leave. Listen to her feet thump up the stairs. Blink up at the ceiling. Flinch as they listen to her bedroom door slam.

'...Did she just punish herself?'

'And do a better job of it than us? It appears so' Lucas affirms.

'Fuck when did we get so shit at this?'

'We're not shit we're just out of practice'

'Why? It's not like we've had to quit being parents'

'I guess we've cut them a lot of slack lately though. I mean I definitely have. Especially with Sawyer' Peyton ponders his view. Supposes he's right. 'We've not had to deal with anything like this before'

'I can't believe she did that' Her voice wobbles. He's before her in all of an instant, arms drawing her into his chest.

'It's ok. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I was at a gambling meeting and had my phone on silent'

'It's ok. Your Mum told me'

'I should've been there'

'You would've been if you could've' She mumbles into his shirt. Feels safe here. Comforted. A calmness encompassing her. A calmness that's been impossible to find in the last hour and a half.

'Do you know the Layla kid she was talking about?' His hand drifts over her knotty hair.

'No' Peyton hums. 'I've never heard of her before'

'Maybe we should talk to Riley's parents. Jane bloody knows everything about everything' He says of their daughter's best friend's mother.

'Mmm... I, it, is this cause of us?' She abruptly eases out of his hold then. Has to. She's not meant to be leaning on him. Not meant to give him the wrong idea.

He frowns. 'Where're you going?'

'Nowhere' She's made three necessary steps away from him.

'Don't do that'

'What?'

'We were talking-'

'We still are'

'Ok but you don't have to pull away and be over there'

'I have to be over here' Her head is beginning to thump.

'Because I'm oh so irrisistable?' He cocks his head. She's unamused. 'What?! You're being ridiculous. We're talking about our kid-'

'Yeah so let's keep doing that and not turn this into an us thing'

'Well like you've just pointed out it's most likely due to an us thing that said kid is acting out.'

'So let's figure out how to help said kid' She grinds.

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Stops the words on the tip of the tongue. Thinks better of telling her he thinks their child requires them giving her stability, requires them being together.

'I think you've gotta be firmer with her' Peyton whispers. 'You've been grovelling and walking on eggshells around her for weeks now and she, she needs rules. I know we always say she's like you but she's, she's clearly more like me than we thought'

'Do you need rules? You need me to be tougher on you?' He's more interested in her needs than their daughters. It's all too clear to him. Fixing their marriage will fix their daughter's rebellion. That's what he's decided in the last five minutes. She glares at him fiercely. 'What?' He's smiling. 'You said she's clearly more like you. I can be firmer with you-'

'Lucas' Her mouth feels dry. She feels like he's somehow been eavesdropping on her therapy session.

'Joking'

'Well stop, this isn't a joke! I, I can't have her doing all the things I did as a kid. I can't'

'You always talk like you were such a mess. You were a little emo sure but-'

'You want her having sex at 14? Cause I don't. I wasn't ready. I was a kid. I want her to be a kid for as long as possible. She's got the whole of her life to figure that out'

'She's not having sex anytime soon' He reminds her, his disgust abundantly clear. 'She's a baby!'

'I know that! But I never thought she'd dare skip class let alone think about trying to smoke! Did you?!'

She has a point. He wearily sits down at the table because her concerns are contagious. 'Didn't smoke-'

'I don't know that we can believe a word she says right now and I, I god Luke I don't want it to be like that. I want her to tell me shit! I want her to come to me when she's first with a boy, you know? I want her to feel like she can talk to me about that. I didn't have that!'

'Why're you talking about boys right now? Has she been talking about some kid?'

'No I'm just, I'm freaking'

'Well stop' He pleads because he's not enjoying thinking about their child and then trials that will inevitably come as she continues to get older. 'And I've been told it might not even be boys I'll have you know'

She hesitates. 'She said that to you?'

'Uhuh. Because her wonderful mother has made sure she knows from the get go that there's no right or wrong answer in that department'

'I'm pretty sure boys are gonna be on the agenda' Peyton discloses.

'Oh?'

'I dunno' Peyton shrugs. 'Don't you just get that feeling?'

'I don't like to think of her as anything other than my baby girl so no I don't have a feeling. We'll be worrying enough when she's old enough to be dating without you doing it already'

'I'm just scared! Is, is this that point, you know, when in ten years time we look back and wonder why we didn't do anything to stop her from going down the wrong road? Is this like one of those pivotal moments and we don't even know what we're doing?!'

'We'll figure it out. Sweetheart chill out. Kids do stupid things'

'She's doing this because of us though Luke! This isn't her! If this isn't a cry for attention what is?!'

'And we're gonna address that. Can you please come sit down you're making me dizzy' She falters. He pulls out the chair beside him, eyes reiterating what he's just requested. She sighs before sitting in the provided seat. 'Maybe she's gonna be hard work as an early teen and a delightful late teen' He suggests with a small smile. 'I think I'd rather that'

'That makes zero sense' Peyton's eyes are wide because he's not freaking out, not like she is anyway and she doesn't understand because she'd always thought of herself as the voice of reason when it came to their children. He liked to overreact and worry. That's not to say she didn't worry but she usually listened to rationality. She's finding it hard to listen to that voice in her head right now though. Finding it hard because she feels at fault. Feels like they're failing.

'It does make sense' He argues. 'If shit like this is as bad as it get's we're winning'

'Her doing shit like this now surely implies she's just more likely to be doing scary crap earlier than later'

'Scary crap being?' He's smiling.

'Alcohol. Drugs. Don't laugh at me. I'm serious'

'She's eleven, where is she ever going to be that we don't know what she's doing. Yes she did something stupid today but it doesn't mean she's going to be a freaking alcoholic-'

'It's in her blood' She blurts then. 'This is shit we need to be extra careful about! Her biological grandparents were addicts'

'Sweetheart' He reaches for her hand. Realises that her anxiety is wrapped up in a whole lot more than he realises. 'She's not Mick and Ellie'

'You don't know that. Neither of us know that'

'You're not an addict'

'No but it is something that you see patterns of in families. It is'

'Ok' He nods. Rubs his thumb over her knuckles. 'I'm not disputing that. I'm just saying you can't be fretting that she's going to go down that path because she tried to smoke. We both tried it when we were teens' He coos. 'Hey?'

'...I did worse things than you Luke' She expels then.

His brow furrows. 'What things?' He thinks he knows his wife. Knows everything about her youth. Every little thing about her. 'Peyton?'

'I did, I..there was this time that I tried cocaine' Her eyes skitter up to him. He can't disguise his surprise.

'Cocaine' He repeats with bemusement because it sounds absurd. She looks down. Feels like a child all of a sudden. 'You?' His bewilderment is apparent. She sighs. 'How come you never told me that?' Her shoulders shrug. 'When?'

'In school'

'Were we together?'

'No, I..it was at Trek before, before Jake came back'

He swallows. '...When Mum was pissed off cause there was that guy taking drugs at Trek?'

'...Yeah'

'He gave it to you?'

'Yes'

'No you didn't. You're not being serious' He smiles. It dwindles. 'For real?'

'Why would I make it up?' She rolls her eyes.

'...What else did you do with him?'

Her head jerks up to look at him then. 'What?'

'What do you mean what? What am I meant to think?'

'I wasn't with you' She frowns. 'I wasn't with anyone. I was completely alone'

'I know! Why do you think I called Jake?' Her eyes soften.'I was worried about you and you were mad at me and I...' She blinks. Knows that his little phone call had saved her from getting messed up in the underworld she was dabbling in. 'I can't believe you never told me about this' He mumbles.

'It was forever ago'

'So Brooke and Hales don't know either?'

She swallows. '...they know. Don't be mad'

'I'm not mad. I'm upset that you felt like you couldn't tell me'

'I didn't feel like I couldn't tell you I just didn't think you needed to know'

'And why do I need to know now?'

'Because I, I think if, if Jake hadn't rocked up I, I would've done it again. I think I would've kept doing it'

'You liked it?'

'I...no, but it, it did make everything go away' Lucas scrapes his hand through his hair. 'And, and I, I think I could've, I think I might've got messed up in that world. And, and whatever's in me is, is likely to be in her so that, that scares me'

'I don't worry about that' He shakes his head and rises to his feet. 'She has us. You think we'd ever let her get messed up in stuff like that?'

'Parents aren't always to blame for kids going down that path'

'No' He agrees. 'Not always but yours were notably absent. You had the kind of freedom that every kid craves but that's not what any kid needs'

'It wasn't Dad's fault. He had to work-'

'It didn't have to be at sea though did it?'

'I don't like it when you talk badly about him'

'I'm not. I'm not. I know he did the best he could but now that I'm a parent I'll never understand how he left you alone here for such long stretches of time. I'd never leave the girls here alone like that'

Her eyes have gone glassy. 'I reminded him of her'

'Uhuh. And he needed to put his own grief aside and concentrate on helping you through yours. You think I'd ever do that to our girls? God forbid anything ever happens to you but I'd not leave them regardless of the despair I'd be feeling'

'I know' She mumbles. Doesn't doubt that he'd look after their babies. 'Because I'd haunt your ass otherwise' He doesn't smile. Suddenly looks sad. 'Not dying Luke'

'Right. You know I don't even liking talking hypothetically about that' He complains because they've had in depth conversations about their wants and desires if something ever happened to either one of them. 'I wished you'd talked to me back then. Don't you know I would've done anything for you back then to?' He refocuses their conversation.

'...I didn't at the time'

'I know. I hate that you were hurting like that and I was oblivious'

'You weren't oblivious. You rang Jake'

'Yes. Reluctantly' He mumbles.

'Reluctantly' She echoes.

'Yes. I wanted to be the one to help you. I've always wanted to be the one to help you. I knew what calling him meant'

'You didn't want me and yet you didn't want anyone else to either'

'I did want you. I thought you didn't want me. Of course I didn't want anyone else having you. Then or now'

'But you called him'

'I wanted you to be happy'

'And you don't want that now?'

He frowns. 'We're not in high school anymore. You're tied to me in more ways than one'

'So my happiness no longer matters'

'Of course it matters. I don't get what we're even talking about right now' He shakes his head. 'Are you pining for Jake right now? Think you made the wrong choice back then is it?'

She rolls her eyes. 'Yes. That's what I'm doing' She doesn't know what she's doing. They've gotten way of track. They were talking about Sawyer. This conversation is meant to be about Sawyer but in conveying her worries she's made it about herself.

'Did you sleep with the drug dealer guy?'

'What?'

'You never answered me'

'I didn't realise that's what I was being asked'

'Yes you did'

'You know every single person I've ever been with'

'I thought I knew every little detail about you but I didn't know you were snorting cocaine at 17' His eyes are narrowed. 'You can't even handle alcohol! You were at Trek when you did it?'

'...yes'

'With this guy?'

'Yes'

'Anything could've fucking happened to you'

She swallows. Adores that look on his face. It's protective. Caveman. Love. 'You can save the lecture. I'm not that kid anymore. We're talking about Sawyer-'

'You could've overdosed. You hear of kids taking shit for the first time and that's it' He clicks his fingers. 'Game over'

'It's a good job I had a drug dealer showing me how then isn't it? I told you because I'm worried about our kid putting herself in a similar position! You don't think I don't know how bloody ridiculous it was? I know' His hand is on her face then. 'Don't' She closes her eyes and pulls away.

He exhales exasperatedly. 'Sweetheart she's not going to ever be anywhere where we don't know what she's doing. This was one little blip and we're gonna be hard on her so she get's the message ok?'

'...ok' She nods.

'I promise this isn't the beginning of her going off the rails. Ok?'

'...ok'

'Ok' He smiles because her mumbled okays make him feel needed. Relied upon. Make him feel like her husband. '...are we gonna talk about last night?' He taps the table. Squints at her. Her eyes avert. 'I want to talk about it-'

'We have-'

'No, we've not. You might've said everything you want to say but I'm allowed to speak too-'

'Your eleven year old was caught with a cigarette in her hand today. Focus'

'I am focused! We've just discussed her and how her actions are a reaction to us. Surely us discussing us can only help her. I can't stop thinking about it. About how hot it was. I know you had a good time-'

'I told you where I'm at. It was just sex ok?'

'Right' He rolls his eyes. '...keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better'

'I'm sorry if I confused you-'

'You're the one that's confused. There's not even a little bit of me that's confused. I've missed having you like that so much. Being like that with you, feeling close to you-'

'Enough'

He sighs and shakes his head. 'A year Peyton-'

'I'm not doing this-'

'You said you were sorry-'

'Yes because you clearly think-'

'Not just now. When you were laying here' His hand comes down a little heavier than intended on the table top. She flinches. '...please' He's on his feet again. Only for a second. Sinks to his knees before her. 'Let's go to therapy together so we can talk about this all properly. You're bottling a million things up. I think we need help from someone else to help you to talk to me because you won't speak to me! You use to tell me every little thing and then one day' He snaps his fingers. 'You just stopped. Why did you stop? Don't you think I'll understand?'

She looks down. Is silent for a long moment. '...I have a house viewing with B in an hour. Can you stay with Sawyer?'

'Yes. Of course... is that a no then? To us starting therapy? Together?' Silence greets him. 'You can't argue with last night' He draws her hand to his mouth. Leaves a lingering kiss to her palm. 'I just don't see the point in us delaying it. I understand that you need to talk by yourself too and that's absolutely fine but there's no harm in us having a few sessions along side'

'...I have to go'

He sighs. '...Right. Ok' Rises to his feet and tries his hardest to reign in his irritation. She watches him rub the back of his neck, his exasperation more than evident. She opens her mouth. Closes it. Doesn't know why she's not telling him she's already made an appointment for them both.

'I'll see you in a bit then'

•••

He doesn't knock. 'What're you doing?'

'Homework' Lucas walks further into the room. 'I want to be alone'

'Well I want a kid that knows right from wrong. We don't all get what we want sweetheart' He calmly answers.

She scowls at him. 'Maybe I'm learning from you' Lucas sighs. Sits down on the edge of her bed. He use to come in here every night. Sit on this bed. Talk to her. Play cards with her. Talk about the current book she's reading. 'Where's Mum?'

'She's gone to view a house with your Aunt Brooke'

'I don't need baby sitting'

'Well apparently you do' He disagrees.

'I'm grounded. You have my phone'

'So you think that's it? We're done with talking about this?'

'What more is there to say?' She grumbles.

'God you're like your bloody mother'

'My bloody mother always says I'm like you'

'Don't say bloody'

'You just did'

'What were you thinking Sawyer?' He wonders. 'Your Mum has been freaking out for the last half hour' She folds the corner of her page and unfolds it. Eyes trailing the blank lines staring up at her. 'She's got enough on her plate right now without you acting out-'

'Because of you' Sawyer spits.

'Yes' He resolves. 'Because of me. So it'd be helpful if you made things easier for her. Not harder' He squints as he watches her. Her mouth keeps opening and closing, her eyes resolutely on her open workbook. He rises abruptly and walks over to her her desk. Squats down so he can look up into her face. 'Hey. You can talk to me. To me and Mum. You know that right?'

'...mm. Cause you're here oh so much' She murmurs sarcastically.

'Is this what this about. Me not living here?' Sawyer scowls. 'You can see me whenever you want. Whenever jitterbug. That's why we got you your phone' She stays silent. He figures his hopeful assumption is nothing more than a fantasy in all of a heartbeat. She's not pining for him. At least if she is her turned up nose doesn't convey such.

'I don't have my phone now'

'Temporarily. How can we trust you with things like a phone when you're making bad choices? When we can't trust you? We love you so much. You putting yourself in danger is not ok'

She sighs. 'I wasn't in danger'

'No? Your health is pretty important to us'

'One cigarette never killed anyone'

'One can lead to two and then before you know it you're a chainsmoker'

'You're so dramatic'

'Am I? Sweetheart you know your Mum's biological parents both had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and drugs. A relationship that led them to give up their daughter. And I thank god they did that every day because I'd never have met her otherwise. I don't want you to ever have to deal with the things they had to'

She's silent for the longest minute. '...Riley was there' She mumbles suddenly. So quietly that he's not sure he's heard right.

'Riley? Riley what? Was where?'

'With Layla'

'When you were smoking?'

'I didn't do it' She looks at him then.

'When you were going to smoke?' He corrects.

'I wasn't even gonna do it...it's gross'

'You were found. You admitted you had a cigarette in your hand-'

'Yes cause I didn't want Riley to get in trouble!'

'What?'

'She, Layla was being mean to her at lunch and then an hour later Riley said she was gonna skip class and go with her. I think she just wants her to stop being mean to her but...'

'I've never even heard of a Layla before. Is she new?'

'She started last term. Her family moved here'

'And she's been bullying Riley?'

'...she's just not the nicest but, but the thing is I, I think she's a foster kid so it, I think she's having a hard time so...' She shrugs. 'I went with Riley cause I didn't want her to do something stupid. Layla started smoking and she, she was trying to persuade us to. Riley, Riley was going to but I told her all the stories you've told me and she, she changed her mind but then the dinner lady came and I took it from her hand and...' She shrugged.

'You took the fall' Lucas deduces where this is going because this sounds far more like his kid.

'It's her party tomorrow and she, she didn't even do it. She didn't but her Mum and Dad are way stricter than you and Mum. She'll be grounded for life! Her party will be cancelled and she's been looking forward to it for months' Lucas sighs. 'I told her to hide...' Lucas digests her confession. Relief and pride makes his heart swell but there's also frustration. '...You won't tell her parents will you? She'll never talk to me again! She won't Dad!'

'...If it was the other way round I'd want to know. Why didn't you tell us all this downstairs just now?'

Sawyer shrugs. 'I thought you'd be madder...Don't ring them. Please Dad you can't!'

'I need to talk to your Mum about it...you swear she didn't actually smoke?'

'No'

'Sweetheart you can't take the fall for your friends. You can't make choices for them'

'You can help them when they need you. She might've done it if I hadn't gone with her but I stopped her!'

'And got yourself in trouble. You skipping class is a no, no, let alone smoking-'

'I wasn't!-'

'No but now the school is going to have this on record-'

'I'm a straight A student. It doesn't matter'

'...no' He supposes. She smiles. 'I mean it does' He changes his mind. Her smile dwindles. 'I'm really proud of what a good friend you are baby. I just don't want you putting yourself around anyone that's doing stuff they shouldn't'

'I'm never even gonna try it Daddy. It smells horrible and have you seen how black it turns your insides?'

He smiles. '...you are my kid' He stands to his full height and ruffles her hair.

'You've never smoked?' She enquires.

'...well I wish I could say I haven't but I did try it once' He answers truthfully.

'What?!' She exclaims. 'You're having a go at me over something you've done! Hypocrite much!'

He smiles at her outrage. 'All parents were kids once too baby. I did my share of stupid things and I learned from them. I'd be a rubbish parent if I didn't try and teach you what I've learnt so you don't make the same mistakes'

'When did you smoke?'

'I was about sixteen. And I wouldn't say I smoked. I had one drag. Choked and swiftly decided I'd never be doing that again'

'Idiot'

'Yup, I'm not as smart as you Sawyer Elizabeth Scott'

'I already know that. If you were smart you'd not have screwed everything up with Mum'

His heart aches. '...I know honey...I know nothing I can say will ever make up for everything but I'm trying so hard. I thought we were getting along better?'

'...we are...I forget sometimes and then I remember and...I get mad at you...'

He nods. 'And that's ok. I'm a whole lot madder at me than you can ever be...me and your Mum are always going to be on the same team though. What you were saying down there' He shakes his head. 'We're always going to be in agreement about you and Roe. We spent hours on end talking about you two before you were even in this world. On things we did and didn't want for you and regardless of what's going on between us that will always remain the same. Always'

'So you're definitely getting a divorce'

'I hope not but I think I've been wrong in trying to give you and Roe the impression that this will all get resolved because the truth is, whilst I love Mummy more than anything, I hurt her and she's well within her right to not know what she wants'

'She says she wants a divorce'

'I think we shouldn't talk about this anymore or you're gonna get me in trouble'

'I don't get in trouble Dad'

'Oh? Says the suspended, grounded kid'

'I'm still grounded?'

'You still skipped class'

'...fine...do I get my phone back though?'

'We'll see. What's your homework?'

'I've gotta write about a book'

'Any book?'

'Mm'

'What've you chosen?'

'I dunno I've not read anything in ages'

'What?!' Lucas is already on his feet and making his way toward the bookshelf. 'That changes right now Sawyer Scott!' He shakes his head. 'I mean that warrants being grounded more than smoking' He looks at her. 'That's a joke'

'I know. But one that you kinda mean'

'Damn right. Not reading what's wrong with you? Get over here jitterbug' She smiles and jumps up with an eagerness he's not been in the presence of for far too long.

'As long as you don't make me read anything boring'

'Nothing I make you read is boring'

She smirks. 'Debatable Dad'

•••

'Daddy!'

'Roe boat' He smiles and lifts her up to plant a loud kiss on her cheek. 'How was school?'

'Long. Mummy says Sawyer is here with you?'

'Yes. I think she's rather bored. Why don't you go say hi' He lets her back down.

'Kay' The child is quick to rush off to find her sister.

'Really? You're sending her to go and see Miss Sass? I give it five minutes before tears ensue'

'Maybe. I think Sawyer might be in cooperative mood'

'Oh? What about today shouts cooperative?' Peyton puts her bag on the sideboard.

'We had a long chat'

'Oh?' She kinks her brow.

'Here, sit down and I'll make you a tea'

'Oh god. What did she say?'

'Nothing bad. Only good. Sit, I can't make you a tea now?' She rolls her eyes and sits. 'How was the viewing?'

She hesitates. 'I think I really liked it' She swallows.

He's getting two mugs out of the cupboard and looks back at her as he sets them down on the kitchen island. 'Yeah?'

'Well it's the only one I've seen myself actually being able to call home'

'That's huge' He summons. '...that's great baby'

She chews on the inside of her cheek. '...I mean I obviously want to go look at it again'

'Yes. Have you told them you want to view it again?'

'Uhuh. I'm going to think on it a couple of days and go back on Friday, apparently it's not officially on the market till next Monday. Perks of being friend's with B'

'She seriously knows everyone in Tree Hill'

'Uhuh handy when you're house hunting and need the best relator...will you come with me?'

'To see the house?'

'Yes. I mean I, the girls are gonna be living there, don't you have an opinion?'

'I'd love to see it. Ultimately I'll be happy with whatever you're happy with but it'd be nice to see it'

'Ok'

The kettle has boiled and he goes about pouring water into their mugs. 'So it's three bedrooms?'

'Uhuh. The master bedroom has an ensuite and then theres a bathroom upstairs too.. An open space lounge kitchen situation and then a small snug that I could use for work or TV room' She shrugs. 'The biggest draw is the garden is a good size for the girls'

'It sounds amazing' He smiles as he sets down her tea in front of her. 'Where is it?'

'A step away from the river front'

'Really?'

'Uhuh'

'Do you have pictures?'

'Uhuh but I kinda just want you to see it in person'

'Ok'

'Ok?' She smiles.

'What?'

'I just thought you'd demand to see pictures now'

'Whatever you want. I can wait'

'Thank you' She gestures to the tea he's just issued her with.

'Welcome'

Takes a sip. 'Why does your tea always taste so fucking good?'

'Magic hands' He grins.

She rolls her eyes. '...so break it to me already. What happened with Sawyer?'

'Riley'

'Riley?'

'Uhuh. She was never gonna smoke. It was always Riley'

'What?'

'Apparently today was her saving Riley from smoking'

'Riley wasn't even there'

'Apparently she was. Apparently Layla persuaded Riley to skip class and was pressuring her to smoke. Sawyer followed and convinced her not to' Peyton's eyes well. 'She took the fall for her best friend so she wouldn't miss her bloody birthday party' An abrupt tear races down Peyton's cheek then. 'Hey, it's ok' He reaches for her hand.

'She's such a good girl'

'Uhuh. Our girl'

'I thought we were majorly fucking up at this'

'The best parents still deal with this crap. She's got you as her Mumma. She's only ever gonna turn out like you'

'Don't say that. That's not bloody ideal is it'

'What?' He shakes his head. 'Peyton Scott of course it's the ideal. Her being anything like you is the ideal sweetheart...Don't give me that look' He reprimands. 'Of course I bloody think that' He answers the question she's refrained from verbally asking. 'You're my most favourite human, how couldn't I think that?' She rolls her eyes. 'Don't roll your eyes. I'm serious'

'If that were true you wouldn't have fucked Lindsey' She closes her eyes. '...Sorry...I'm just feeling...things today'

He nods, recognises that them having sex has probably forced her to think about things he'd rather she didn't. 'Peyton I-'

'It's ok' She opens her eyes and looks at him.

'It's not'

She stares at him. '...next Wednesday'

'Next Wednesday?'

'I booked a session with Moira for you and me'

A slow smile works it's way onto his face then. '...yeah?'

'Yes but don't- Lucas!' He's off his seat, his arms around her enveloping her in a tight hug. 'Get off'

'Nope'

'Stop grinning'

'I'm happy. You've just made me so happy-'

'It's not for you. Moira thinks it's a good idea for me'

'Right. Whatever Moira thinks' He cups her face. 'Thank you'

'Not for you'

'I know but you didn't have to agree' He reasons. Leans in.

'Don't you dare' She exhales as his face becomes dangerously close. 'The kids are here'

'They were here last night' He smirks.

'Asleep'

'So is that the only reason why?' He wonders.

'No. It's the reason you'll do as I say though'

He sighs heavily but his smile stays in place. Sits back down. 'Did you have this appointment booked earlier?' He squints at her. 'You so bloody did'

'I didn't want to talk about it then'

'Right' He shakes his head, he has a feeling it's more to do with pissing him off. '...Did you tell Moira that we had sex?'

She exhales. '...yes. Have you spoken to your therapist?'

'Yes. What did Moira say?' He's met with narrowed eyes. 'No sharing? Ok' He holds his hands up in surrender. 'You sure I can't get one kiss?'

'Lucas' She crosses her arms.

'Right, right. Ok'

'I don't want you jumping to conclusions about what this means. Ok? Don't have it in your head that this is the start of us getting back together because I'm not, that's not...' She puffs out a heavy breath.

'I wouldn't even dream of thinking that' He lets his hand drift over the table top, eyes fixated on her.

'Stop that'

'What? I'm not doing anything?'

'Yes you are!' She widens her eyes. 'Don't think I don't know what that fucking look means and your creepy table stroking means'

He laughs. 'What does it mean?'

'I know what you're thinking about'

'What am I thinking about?' Her cheeks puff out in that adorable way that they do when she's angry. 'About how you look laying on here with your legs around me? Because if that's what you mean then yes, that's absolutely what I'm thinking about'

'Well stop'

'I don't want to'

'Oh for god sake I'm going' She abruptly rises to her feet.

'You live here you can't go' He chortles.

'Right. You can go. I can cancel that appointment you know' Her threat has him quickly behaving.

'I'm sorry I'll be good. I promise. I'll go say goodbye to the girls and then I'll head off, ok?'

Her arms stay crossed but her expression softens. 'Wait what're we doing about Sawyer and Riley? We need to tell her parents right?'

Lucas swallows uneasily. '...I don't know. Sawyer's really against that'

'But if it were the other way round I'd want to know'

'How about we try and get Sawyer to convince Riley to tell her parents herself first and then if she doesn't we do?'

'...that's fair right?'

'I think so'

'Ok'

'Ok' He smiles. 'So Friday we have a house date and then a therapy date next Wednesday and then if we need to have a chat with Riley's parents date at some point in between we'll sort that later, right?'

'So many things not right with what you just said. Just go say goodbye to your girls'

'You're one of my girls'

'Lucas I'm seriously going to throw something at you in a minute'

'Going!' He blows her a kiss earning him yet another glare but the second he's vacated her expression softens. Lip curls. She's not smiling. She's really, really not.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N Sorry for the wait! I seem to have got out of my updating mojo!**

NINETEEN

'Well?' She's done being patient. He's circuited the house more than a few times, so much so that the realtor had stepped out to make some calls.

'What?'

'You've barely said a word. You don't like it?' She fears. She crosses her arms as she watches him inspect the master bedroom for what feels like the hundredth time.

'No I do, I really, really do' His head bobs.

'Yeah?'

He smiles because she looks relieved and he's glad his opinion evidently still counts for something. 'Yes. It's very you'

'It is right?'

'Uhuh. I love that you've got this little balcony' He walks over to the open French doors. 'You can have tea out here in the morning'

'...yeah' She nods pensively.

'What?' Her tone has him looking back at her over his shoulder.

A smile draws onto her face. 'Like that's ever gonna happen. Five minutes peace is hard to come by'

'That's not what you were thinking' He squints at her.

'Isn't it? And what was I thinking?'

'I don't know that's why I asked...are you unsure about something?'

'No...I want to make an offer if you're happy for me to'

'I'm more than happy for you to. But it's not my decision'

'Your children are going to be living here. You have a say Lucas. Why else do you think I asked you to come?'

'Figured my opinion was just so greatly valued' He grins. 'The girls will love it'

'I dunno. They're both adamant they're not moving'

'They'll be fine once they've seen it'

She nods slowly. 'It's right, right?'

'It feels right' He affirms.

'I didn't think I'd like somewhere as much as...but I really do love it. I can see the girls playing for hours on end making dens around that tree'

'Yeah. And you will get your mornings out here' He steps foot onto the balcony. 'When I have the girls' She swallows. Joins him. 'We can get you a little table' He leans on the wooden railing.

'...you're not reacting how I envisioned' She regards him through narrowed eyes.

'And how did you envision I'd react?' He stands back up to his full height and turns back to face her. She shrugs. Crosses her arms and leans against the doorframe.

'It's a pleasant surprise, don't get me wrong'

'Don't confuse my calmness. I'm relieved that you've found somewhere I like and most importantly you like. I'm relieved that this stress is hopefully not going to be weighing on you much longer'

She nods. '...Me too. Now you can stop worrying too. We can find you a place-'

'I'm not going to look for a place' He's quick to dismiss.

Her brow furrows. '...what?'

'It's stupid renting somewhere when I've got a room at Mum's...when we sell the house everything needs to go into your personal account'

She frowns. 'Lucas' She shakes her head.

'I stole from you. I can't-'

'You didn't steal from me'

He tilts his head as he looks at her. Smiles. 'You've changed your tune'

'I was angry'

'Rightly so-'

'I never saw our money separately. It's always been ours. The house is both of ours. Everything is half yours'

'...I know but I don't feel comfortable knowing I threw away something you worked so hard for-'

'We worked hard for. I don't want you giving me money. I'd much rather you rented somewhere out so the girls-'

'I'm not gonna change my mind. It's what I want for you and the girls. I don't want you having to be really careful with money or borrow from our family. I'll pay Mum back what she's lent us but apart from that it's all going to go into your account'

'So you're just going to live with your Mum until the end of time. That's not good for the girls.'

'No' He smiles. 'Of course not'

She blinks as he stares right back at her. Averts her eyes. He doesn't need to elaborate. She knows him. Knows exactly what he's implying. '...so you'll look for a place eventually' She murmurs and edges back toward the open doors because his intense stare is unnerving at best. He doesn't answer because he knows her too. Knows she's understood loud and clear what he was suggesting. She does know. Knows that he's stood before her fantasising about this being his home too.

'You're gonna be late to go get them from school' He's followed and is standing in the doorway with her now.

'Oh. Yeah'

She's flustered. He loves that. He loves that she's not shutting down his outrageous implications. Instead is opting to feign ignorance.

'I can get them if you want to get the ball rolling officially with this?'

'You sure?'

'Uhuh. I'll feel better the sooner you put an offer in and it's accepted' She nods. Looks down. Tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. He's standing far too close and it's paralysing her. She'd once accused him of actually having a superpower because he frequently took charge of her body. He'd laughed loudly in answer but had nodded giddily because just knowing she felt so out of control in his presence was nothing but a turn on. 'You look really beautiful right now' He murmurs because she does. The sun is hitting her curls and her hair is scraped up. Her face is without make up asides from a little mascara.

'Liar' She shakes her head as she looks back up at him. She doesn't feel the least bit attractive. She hasn't looked in the mirror once today.

'Not lying' His hand dares to stroke her cheek.

'Luke' She breathes out his name, her face frowning.

'Don't pout'

'Don't give me reason to then'

'So stroppy' He shakes his head, his voice taunting. 'I love our kids but in moments like this the school day isn't long enough' He steps closer.

'Stop it' She hisses. His hands capture hers as he preempts her departure. 'Luke!' Nose grazes hers.

'Shh. Know what I can't wait to do?' She doesn't speak. 'Christen this room' She arches as she attempts to escape. Her breath hits his lips. 'Look at me' She does. 'And that balcony'

She swallows. He laughs. 'Don't laugh!'

'You're blushing!'

'Because you're being utterly inappropriate! The Realtor is probably eavesdropping'

'That's your only problem? I'm sure she's heard and walked in on a lot worse' He shakes his head, nuzzling their noses again.

'Be-have. Let me go'

'You do realise you're holding my hands just as much as I'm holding yours' Her fingers instantly slacken. He eases back, waves his arm in a theatrical manner. She rolls her eyes. 'I thought you wanted to go oh so terribly'

She shoves the heel of her palm into his chest as she passes him. 'Ass'

He laughs. 'I'll meet you back at the house with the kids shall I?' He's answered with her middle finger over her shoulder. 'I love you too sweetheart'

•••

'It looks perfect honey' Karen murmurs as she peers over Haley's shoulder at the phone screen. They're scrolling through images of the house. 'I'm gonna get you two that cake'

Peyton opens her mouth but Haley is quick to halt her words. 'Surely you know there's no point arguing and I bloody want the cake right now even if you don't'

Peyton smiles. Karen is already back behind the counter. 'She gives away far too many freebies'

'You're her daughter-in-law. Reap the benefits I say' Haley grins.

Peyton looks down. '...I'm not going to be that forever though Hales'

An overwhelming sadness is quick to engulf the brunette. She blinks furiously before her pregnancy hormones get the better of her.

'Here we go' Karen's reappearance with two plates is a welcome intrusion on the sudden uncomfortable silence.

'Amazing' Haley chants a little too enthusiastically.

'Your favourite' Karen knowingly winks. 'You two enjoy, I've gotta help Sandra out over there but I'll catch up with you both later ok?'

'Uhuh, thank you' Peyton answers for the both them as Haley is already making work of the treat before her. 'How're the cravings Hales?'

The seemingly ravenous brunette slows down a little, head tilted towards her friend. 'Have you tried this one? This isn't even cravings girly, it's just that good. You better get eating that because otherwise I'm gonna have it'

'You can have it' Haley narrows her eyes sternly. '...Or I can' Peyton obediently picks up the fork.

'And don't do that annoying thing where you make it last freaking half an hour and I'm jealous because I've eaten this in all of five seconds'

'You can help me' Peyton laughs. 'So...do you not like it?'

'Have I not just been more than clear on how much I like it?!'

'Not the cake. The house' Peyton watches her friend's head bob a little too hard. 'You don't like it do you?' Whilst a little hurt she can't help but smile at her friend's inability to disguise her thoughts.

Haley swallows her mouthful. 'I do!'

'You're an awful liar'

'I do like it, I do I just...'

'You just what?' Peyton probes.

'Nothing' Haley returns her attention to her cake.

'No what is it?'

'I've got pregnancy brain. It's like a disease- I keep putting my bloody foot in it-'

'You're my friend Hales. You're allowed to give me your honest opinion. You're not putting your foot in it'

Haley hesitates. '...I guess, I just...I like the house don't get me wrong. It's in a great place it just, it makes me feel sad I guess'

Peyton nods. 'You don't think I'm sad about moving?' Peyton murmurs. 'Come to my house at 10pm and you'll catch me crying over a box of photos in bed with a tub of ice cream'

Haley's face contorts with the sad visual. '...sorry. I mean that's a complete lie but I do know you're finding this beyond difficult'

'No it's not'

'Yeah right, you and a tub of ice cream' Haley rolls her eyes at the detail in her sister-in-law's depiction that she doesn't buy.

Peyton rolls her eyes. 'Don't start. Been gossiping with B have you?'

'Girl I don't need to gossip with anyone. I've got eyes'

'Ok can we stop with the body shaming-'

'I'm not shaming. You just said I'm your friend and I'm allowed to give you my honest opinion. Well my honest opinion is since you and Luke split up you've been shrinking. It's starting to scare me-'

'I'm fine' Peyton highlights that by taking an extra huge mouthful of the cake before her. Smiles falsely.

'Mm' Haley's agreement holds little optimism.

'So you like where the house is?' Peyton steers the topic of their conversation back to the house.

'It's in the best location' Haley affirms. Opens and closes her mouth as she tries to keep the words that are in the back of her throat from bursting free. '...are you sure about all this though?' Seemingly can't.

'I don't really have a choice Hales'

'You do though. Between me and Nate, B, Karen, your Dad, we can all keep you afloat for a while. We'd all be so happy to help. Seriously. You love your house-'

'Yes. I love my house' Peyton confirms. 'And it's hard. This is all so hard but at the same time it's not the same anymore. It's filled with misery and grief and screaming matches that I don't want to keep replaying in my head when I walk into certain rooms. I mean that asides, I don't want to owe you all money and even if we did do that Luke won't be able to afford a place of his own. It's half his-'

'So why don't you let him come home?' Haley bleats. Snaps her mouth shut. '...sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry'

A weary smile touches Peyton's lips. 'It's ok'

'No. It's not. You told me in not so many words that you've kept your distance because I couldn't be impartial and, well I'm being everything you didn't want'

'Hales it's ok'

'No. It's not. It's just I thought when he mentioned you're going to go to counselling together this week...' She trails off because her friend's stare is suggesting that wasn't meant to be free information. '...shit, what've I said?'

'Nothing' Peyton rocks her head back and forth.

'No, it's not' Haley whines. 'Was he not meant to tell me that? He didn't say it was a secret!' She pouts.

'It's not a secret. I'd have just rather people didn't know because I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea as you clearly have'

'The wrong idea' Haley softly echoes.

'We both need help. Neither one of us have exactly had the best mental health let's face it. I'm just trying to work through that. It doesn't mean we're like getting back together or whatever you're thinking. I'm sure he's implied otherwise because he likes to talk shit. What else has he told you?' She eyes Haley suspiciously, is concerned that maybe her husband has divulged even more details such as what transpired between them just the previous week.

'Nothing, nothing' Haley shakes her head. 'What else is there to tell me?'

'Nothing' Peyton is quick to shut down. Haley's eyes narrow. 'He just, well you know what he's like. I've told him this is just about us making sure we're not fighting 24/7. It's about us trying to ensure our relationship is as amicable as possible for the kids. That's what the counselling is about'

'Ok' Haley daren't disagree. '...have you told him?'

'Told him?'

'That you kissed Julian' Haley elaborates.

'Oh' Peyton's eyes flicker around the cafe, relaxes when she finds Karen still preoccupied with other customers, well out of earshot. '...I told him after your shower actually'

'Oh that makes me feel better' Haley bleats in a rush. 'I didn't like having to keep that secret'

'Sorry. I shouldn't have told you-'

'No you should, I was glad that you did-'

'No I put you in a position I never should have but he knows so don't fret about it ok?'

'Ok...how was he?' Haley wonders because her best friend has kept schtum on his wife's recent activities, she's not really sure why she's surprised about his secrecy at this point.

Peyton laughs softly at the brunette's already grimacing face. 'You know him as well as I do Hales. I think it's safe to say that whatever you're imagining is pretty accurate. He wasn't thrilled'

'No but I bet you feel better for telling him'

'...yeah' Peyton murmurs vaguely as she finds herself thinking that perhaps she shouldn't have been honest with Lucas. Thinks perhaps if she'd kept it to herself the activities that had occurred shortly after wouldn't have.

'And you and Julian aren't...?'

'No, no. I, it was a mistake and I really wasn't wrong about B being totally into him'

Haley smiles. 'I so want her to find someone'

'Me too. The more I think about it the more I think they'd be a good match'

'You're forgetting one detail'

'What?'

'Apparently he's into you' Haley looks at her through her lashes. 'I think B's had her fair share of dates with guys that are in love with you Peyton Scott'

Peyton grimaces. 'Not guys. Guy. Complete jackass too' She mumbles.

Haley smiles. 'Mhmm the worst'

'It's not the same and Julian is not in love with me. He barely knows me'

'Nor did a thirteen year old boy that was apparently madly in love with you' Haley teases.

Peyton widens her eyes. 'Was not madly in love with me at thirteen'

'No I'd have said that too but this tin box of wishes suggests otherwise' She produces a rusty box from her bag and mysteriously slides it across the table.

Peyton's brow furrows. 'What's this?'

'Little game that me and Luke might still partake in'

'A game?' Peyton looks at the box suspiciously.

'Uhuh. At the start of every school year we make a wish or two of what we want from that year'

Peyton laughs. 'We've not been in school for a long time Hales' Haley smiles and shrugs. 'You still do this?'

'Uhuh'

'Lame'

'You know you're jealous'

'Kinda' Peyton smiles.

'You not gonna open the lame box that is essentially a box of wishes about you and only you?' When she makes no attempt to do so Haley assertively takes over. 'I mean I'm breaking a sacred promise here. We're never meant to read each others let alone read them to anyone else'

'Ooo you better not break a sacred promise Hales. Who knows what'll happen' Peyton drawls. 'You might be cursed for life'

'Carry on and I might have to push your pretty face into your cake and that would be a travesty for said cake' Haley rambles as she rifles through the treasures she's just set free.

'I forgot how sassy you get when you're pregnant Haley James Scott'

Haley ignores her, instead clears her throat and reads out her chosen wish. 'Talk to Peyton Sawyer. That was at thirteen'

'Haley' Peyton slopes further down in her seat. Wants her friend to stop because she's not really in the mood to hear any of her husband's words. She's heard plenty in the past and as far as she's concerned they've been laced with deception. At least that's what she keeps telling herself.

'Tell Peyton I like her- fifteen. Make out with Peyton Sawyer. Or more- sixteen' Haley smirks. 'Eurgh. I'm not reading the next few years. Such a horny teenager' She flips through the crumpled bits of paper. 'We'll skip the dating Brooke wishes too' Peyton laughs. 'This one was 3 years ago' Haley slides the note across the table.

Peyton hesitates before shifting her stare to Lucas' familiar scrawl. Her eyes welling as she reads over his wishes that are essentially about her. About wanting to help her. Haley silently shifts more notes across the table. Ending with the most recently dated wish.

 _GET PEYTON BACK._

Peyton sighs. Pushes them away. 'Haley this is all...' She shakes her head. 'Why're you showing me these?'

'I don't know, I just thought' Haley shrugs her shoulders. 'If Nate had a dirty box of things he'd like to do to me I'd be all over it' She jokes.

'God what's he written in here' A wane smile touches Peyton's lips.

'You can read them later' Haley begins to battle the creased bits of paper back into the rusty little box.

'These don't change anything'

'I know it doesn't change anything but it's a box full of unwavering love for you, mostly if you take out Brooke' She jokes again. 'He knew at 13. I mean what kid knows at 13? If Sawyer comes home in two years declaring she's going to marry someone she barely knows when she's older you'll laugh and dismiss it. You will! Because it's insane. Nobody knows at 13. But he did. He's always known it's you'

'Can we not talk about this anymore?'

Haley sighs. '...ok. I just don't want you to think he doesn't love you because I, I know he does'

'...I know'

'Ok. Good' Haley nods. Pauses. Stabs her fork into the remaining, half dissected cake before the blonde. 'I don't know how we're friend's if you don't like this'

'I do like it' Peyton disputes but pushes her plate across the table so her friend can have better access. 'So are you finding out?' She paints on a smile as she changes the subject.

'What?'

'Boy or girl'

'Oh we have' Haley nods nonchalantly. 'Nate's always impatient and I didn't feel like spending 9 months of him pleading to find out like with Lydia'

'So... are you telling people?' Peyton probes.

'Don't you wanna guess? You're always right'

Peyton smirks. 'Kay...Boy. I think it's a boy'

'How do you do it?'

Peyton's smile widens. 'I'm right?'

'You're freaking witchy'

'No' Peyton laughs. 'It's not like it's a huge achievement Hales I had a 50/50 shot. Congratulations'

'Thanks girly. Now you have to help me convince Nate that we're not naming him after him'

'He wants to call him Nathan Jr?' Peyton kinks her eyebrow.

'No worse. Royal. I can't call my kid that'

Peyton laughs. 'What name do I need to convince him is a better choice?!'

•••

'So Peyton tells me you're also receiving counselling Lucas'

'Yeah that's right. Gambling anonymous meetings and therapy. The whole works. Maybe I'll be a brand new man at the end of it and-'

'He jokes when he's nervous' Peyton cuts off. 'And also doesn't shut up so you have to cut in'

'Whereas nerves have you not saying word. Chalk and cheese' He smiles at Moira. 'Although she's probably told you we're overly similar. She's probably told you our marriage was doomed from the beginning because we're like twins huh?'

Moira smiles. 'I think we shouldn't focus on what Peyton has disclosed in her private sessions. Those are hers and it's up to her if she wants to talk to you about them'

'Right, right' He nods a little too enthusiastically.

'Would you be apposed to me having your therapists details though Lucas? It might be helpful for us to have a conversation'

'Sure'

'Great. I'll get that off you at the end' Moira crosses her legs. 'Why don't we start by discussing what you both want to get out of these sessions. Peyton?' She coaxes. Peyton stops herself from rolling her eyes because this whole thing suddenly seems oh so ridiculous and staged. 'I know I already know but does Lucas?' Moira answers her unsaid thoughts.

'I just want us to have the most amicable relationship possible. For the girls'

'We are being amicable'

'What do you want Lucas?' Moira's question has his stare finding the therapist.

'I don't want us to be amicable. I want us to be more than amicable. I want to fix our marriage'

'Lucas' Peyton sighs.

'You want me to sit here and lie about what I want? I can't change what I want'

'I told you that isn't, this isn't that'

'Ok. Are we not allowed to want different things?' He looks at Moria for assistance.

'Absolutely'

'See. I'm allowed' He chants.

'What's the point in doing this if we can't agree why we're doing it?' She exasperatedly wonders.

'Perhaps that's the point' Moira hums soothingly. '...to help you get on the same page or at the very least accept each other's points of view'

'It's the whole point' Lucas echoes.

'If you're gonna repeat everything Moira says in that irritating tone it's gonna get old pretty quick' Peyton grumbles.

He laughs. 'I'll stop. See I can be amenable'

'So amenable'

'What do you think you need from Lucas right now Peyton?'

'For him to just be the best father he can be'

'I'm being a terrible father now?'

'That's not, I didn't say that. I just mean I want you to concentrate on the girls'

'I am. I'm always concentrating on them. I think we have very different views of what the girls need'

'What do you think the girls need?' Moira enquires.

'They need us together. They need their parents to be under the same roof. In my eyes us fixing our marriage is a priority for them-' Peyton abruptly gets up then and walks over to the window. His brow raises. 'Where've you gone?'

She shakes her head as she stares out the window.

'What're you thinking Peyton?' Moira probes.

'I hate that'

'Hate what?' The therapist hums.

'He guilts me'

'I'm not guilting you'

'No? You make out that this was my decision. I didn't choose this! You know I never wanted this for them!'

'I'm not guilting you' He's up on his feet now and walks over to where she's stood. 'I'm not meaning to at least. I know you didn't decide this. But you can decide to try and work through it with me. What we have is too special to just give up on'

She exhales shakily. 'And that's what you'd do is it? If this were the other way round?'

He swallows thickly. Rubs the back of his neck.

'What're you thinking Lucas?' Moira softly asks.

His stare skitters to the observing woman across from them. '...I...I guess just that I, I'd find it really hard if she...I'd be devastated. I mean I'm upset enough about the fact she's been kissing someone else-'

'Kissed. It was once' Peyton emphasises.

'I don't care it's still you being unfaithful' He rules. Hesitates before finding his way back to the sofa because unlike her he wants the comfort of a seat and something tells him he's the last person she wants near her right now.

'Is it? We're not together. We were together when you fucked someone else though. That's unfaithful'

'I'm not disputing what I did' He sniggers. 'We're talking about you right now' He blurts. 'We're still married-'

'Because you won't sign the papers'

He grinds his teeth. His frustration growing as he becomes disheartened by the topic because from his point of you they'd been getting on better than ever in recent days. He'd thought he'd been making progress with her. His head thumps as he recognises that they've just been avoiding the vast sea of issues that they have.

'Do you have any intention of ever signing the divorce papers Lucas?' Moira wonders, her question tactfully trying to quell the pair's rising voices.

'No' He firmly states. 'I'm not giving up on us'

'How does that make you feel Peyton?'

'...frustrated. Angry. How am I meant to attempt to move on-'

'You're not moving on! We've discussed this!' His head swivels back to the therapist. 'I know she's told you we had sex the other week'

'Yes' Moira confirms. 'How are you feeling about that?'

'I...frustrated. It...I know her...I don't expect her to welcome me back with open arms but I thought...'

'You thought?'

'Just that, well it might have emphasised to her that this, us, she can't pretend she doesn't still have feelings' He complains. 'She's so bloody stubborn. She's still my wife whether she likes it or not. She vowed to be in this with me forever-'

'You vowed to be faithful!'

'So did you!

'You can't compare me kissing Julian as the same thing as you sleeping with Lindsey!' She exclaims. 'I kissed him long after I separated from you! You slept with her whilst we were still together!'

'Well according to you we were on a break!' He barks back.

'Well you have your break indefinitely now don't you'

'Ok' Moira interrupts the words being fired across the room. 'Why don't we all take a breath' The flushed couple are looking back at the therapist now. Both a little startled by her intervention. It's not usually how these predictable fights wind up. There's not usually a third person witnessing the words they've said a thousand times. 'You both clearly have a lot to say but something tells me that perhaps you've already had this discussion more than a few times'

They both exhale heavily.

'Why don't we go back to the beginning and talk about when you first feel your relationship started to suffer?' Moira reroutes their conversation. 'Can you pin point that?'

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Hesitates. Daren't say what he's really thinking. _When we lost our son._ '...She stopped talking to me. Stopped wanting me to touch her' He expels.

'And that was out of the ordinary?'

'...yes' He shifts in his seat uncomfortably. '...she can be quiet sometimes, with a lot of people. But not with me. I mean when I first met her that wasn't the case...she was...mean'

'Mean?' Moira smiles.

'Bloody mean' He confirms.

'I wasn't mean' Peyton mumbles.

He snorts. 'Yes. Yes you were. She'd glare at me anytime I tried to talk to her or just ignore me'

'What changed?' Moira wonders.

'I was just persistent I guess. Wore her down with sweetness'

Peyton rolls her eyes because she's heard him say that a million times before. Get's irritated by the way everyone seems to view their relationship like he's the one that has this great love for her. Like his love is more intense that hers for him 'I'd lost my Mum. My Dad worked away. I was alone and trying to navigate being a teen. Sorry I wasn't miss cheery'

'I'm not criticising you' Lucas exhales. 'You always take offence. I was bloody stalking you from 13 does that not tell you that I was besotted with you?'

'You'd follow her?'

'Not in a creepy way. Just if she happened to be in my class or she was anywhere near I couldn't help but watch her...Or her legs' He adds. Peyton's eyes widen a little because she's not use to him saying such things to anyone but her, especially not a stranger. 'She did cheerleading and would prance around with her legs going on forever-'

'Lucas' Peyton exhales.

'What?' He smirks because there's a rosy tint to her cheeks. 'Aren't we hear to talk about our relationship?'

'I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about how you have a thing for legs'

'Not legs. Your legs' He corrects. 'I was kind of shy though. It took me a good while to get her to even speak to me and even then it wasn't through choice it was just because she needed me to toe her car' He recalls. 'Then her best friend dared her to kiss me one night and god I thought I was dreaming' He smiles. 'It took us a while to get on the same page but we got there eventually. Everything just fell into place and we couldn't get enough of each other. Hey?'

'Everything didn't just miraculously fall into place. He always sees everything through rose tinted glasses'

'I just said it took us a while to get on the same page didn't I? Once you moved back home and we were married and settled it did all fall into place'

Her mind is drifting back to those few months apart. How young and naive she'd been. In a city all alone. Wonders if she'd been a coward in running home. In saying yes.

Unlike her, Lucas is still engaged with the therapist before him. Knows why his wife likes this lady. Notes that she has an impeccable skill of making you feel at ease.

'How would you describe your sex life before this shift in your relationship?'

'Healthy. More than healthy'

'Peyton?' Moira tries to draw her back into the conversation at hand.

'Huh?'

'Do you agree?'

'Agree with what?'

'Are you even listening?' Lucas wonders.

'Sorry I, I was thinking'

'About?' Lucas coaxes.

'Nothing. What was the question?'

He sighs. 'Were you happy with our sex life before we stopped having sex?'

She swallows. '...yes'

'You hesitated. Why did you hesitate?'

'I didn't'

'Yes you did. Weren't you happy?'

'Yes' She sighs 'I'm just not exactly comfortable with talking about this-'

'With me here?'

'What?'

'You said you told Moira we had sex the other week so clearly you've been talking about sex. Why aren't you comfortable talking about it with me here?' He's becoming panicked because the thought that she could possibly have not been content with that part of their relationship is devastating. 'I know you, I'd know if you weren't having a good time' He's talking to himself now. He squints at her. 'I mean I know you didn't that last time we did it before last week'

Her eyebrow kinks because she'd not thought he had been aware. Had felt like he was completely oblivious. '...it didn't stop you did it' her muttered words have his jaw jutting out.

'Don't do that' His tone is offhand. Garners her stare. 'You didn't tell me to stop. I was desperately trying to connect with you. I thought if...'

'If we fucked it would fix everything?'

'No I'm not that ridiculous. I just wanted to feel close to you'

'And how did you feel after?' Moira skilfully steers their conversation once more.

'I'd never felt more detached from her...but that, that was just, it had never been like that before. Apart from that one time our intimate relationship has never been an issue. Tell her' He's looking at Peyton again.

'She already knows what I think'

'Well maybe I should know too' He begs.

Her stare shifts to look into his pleading blue eyes. Is a little confused by the doubt she sees flickering there. '...you seriously think I'm that good an actress that I've been faking it all these years?'

He swallows. Relief washing over him. '...what changed?'

Her eyes skitter away.

He sighs. Scrapes his hand through his hair. Looks back at the therapist. '...this' he wavers his hand in Peyton's direction. 'This is what I've been dealing with the last two years' He vents his frustration. 'I ask her a question and I get this. I'm not a mind reader. I actually use to feel like I was when it came to her but after we...' He trails off. Bites his tongue.

'After you?'

He swallows. Wrings his hands together. 'After we lost our son' He dares to the say the words. Knows this is never going to work if they don't breach this subject sooner or later. 'This wall came up and she pushed me away' His voice is quiet. '...everything I said was wrong. Everything I did was wrong...I know I've done a lot of messed up shit but, for me, the day I lost him I lost her too' He bluntly states. Peyton's face crumples with his words. 'She...when...it's like this wall came up and suddenly she didn't want anything to do with me' He softly hums. '...eveything I did was wrong'

'Peyton what do you think about that?' Moira questions despite already knowing the answer.

She blinks. Furiously tries to rid her eyes of the tears that are welling there but it's too late. He's seen. He's back before her in a second.

'Sweetheart'

'I'm fine' She bats his hand away.

'No you're not' He sighs as she edges away from him and returns to the sofa in a bid for escape.

Moira wordlessly hands her a tissue. 'Thanks'

Lucas shadows her. Sits back down but makes sure to leave a generous gap between them. 'I didn't mean to upset you'

She shakes her head.

'What're you thinking Peyton?' Moira probes.

'...nothing...I don't...just that...that...I mean yes...then' She mumbles.

'What?'

'That's when our relationship became under strain'

'When you lost Finley?'

'Yes' She answers a little tersely. 'You already know'

'I know but perhaps Lucas doesn't'

'...I didn't know you felt like that too' He's squinting at her. She frowns.

'We lost a child Lucas. How can that not put any relationship under strain?'

'...you just, it's felt like you think it's everything I did' She frowns. 'You do think it's all my fault' He concludes from her expression.

'Yes' She bleats. '...no' Sighs. '...I think what you did ultimately ended it but I think I...'

'You?'

'...I led us here. I know I was difficult' She acknowledges quietly.

He swallows. 'You weren't difficult-'

'Fine a nightmare. Whatever'

'You weren't a nightmare. You were grieving baby. We both were. Still are' He emphasises. He twists to fully face her, reaches for her hand. 'I just don't understand what I, what I did wrong, in the beginning before-'

'You didn't do anything wrong' She mumbles.

'It feels like I did...I needed you and I wanted to be there for you...'

'Why don't you tell Lucas how you've been feeling about your body Peyton' Moira interjects.

Peyton startles, head jerking up to look at the woman. Moira nods encouragingly.

'Sweetheart?' He edges closer. Wants to wrap his arm around her but knows by her hunched shoulders right now that he's lucky to be getting away with his hand being on hers. '...Is this about your eating?' He wonders when she still says nothing. Her head sharply jerks to him then. Rolls her eyes. 'I'll take that as a no' He mumbles.

'What do you mean by that Lucas?' Moira's question gives him the confidence to talk despite the look his wife is currently giving him.

'She doesn't eat properly' He bravely announces.

She predictably snatches her hand away then. 'God you're ridiculous'

'It's not ridiculous!' He disagrees, his attention on the therapist. 'Has she talked about food with you?'

'There's nothing to talk about!'

'Yes there is! You've lost weight-'

'Is that any wonder with all the shit I've been put through'

'I know, I know but it...it's still not. It's not normal' His head twists back and forth.

She crosses her arms. Sniggers. 'You've already made it more than apparent that I'm not what you want. I get the point-'

'I hate it when you do that!' He groans. 'This hasn't got anything to do with not wanting you! You're everything I want' He looks at Moira in exasperation because he knows his wife is going to stubbornly remain glaring at her hands. '...I hate bringing this up because she does this. Accuses me of not being attracted to her physically. But that's not...I worry. That's all it is. When she's stressed she'll eat in front of the girls but if she's left to her own devices I know she skips meals and now I'm not there twenty four seven now, I can't...' He trails off.

'Can't what? Monitor me?!' Peyton finishes his sentence for him.

'No-'

'I know that's exactly what you do!' She argues. 'You've always put more on my plate if you're making dinner-'

'Because your body isn't getting what it needs half the time-'

'So it's my fault right?'

'What?'

'What happened with the baby-'

'No! No!' He shakes his head and sighs heavily. 'Is that what you think I think? That it was your fault?' He wonders. She doesn't answer. Her lack of answer has his eyes expanding because he can't see what he could have possibly ever done or said to make her think that he's cast blame in her direction.

'Peyton do you feel like you've got a bad relationship with food?' Moira intervenes before he can voice his utter confusion.

'I do eat' She's still avoiding eye contact. 'People have different appetites'

'Yes' Moira agrees. 'There's a difference between having a big and small appetite and not eating'

'I eat' She looks up at Moira then.

'What have you eaten today?' Lucas pipes up then. She doesn't answer. 'It's nearing 3pm and I don't need to have been with you to know that you've not had anything yet' He rants.

Silence greets them. '...have you always had a small appetite?' Moira carefully words. Peyton's shoulders shrug. 'What's your view of that Lucas?'

'Ever since I've known her it's not like she's been this huge eater. It..it's something that every now and again would concern me. She'll be eating relatively normally for a good stint and then if there's any stressful things going on she seems to stop. And I know people deal with things in different ways, I know anxiety and stress can make people feel like they can't stomach anything but it's not the most healthy coping mechanism. I think I, I think I first considered it to be a real problem when we'd just finished school and we were living in different states for a short while' He can feel her eyes staring at him hard. Cocks his head to focus back on her. 'You were so small when I came out to visit you that first time and it'd only been a few weeks. It's like you'd just stopped eating altogether'

'I was stressed' She grinds out. 'I was living away from home for the first time, I was doing an internship where it felt like I could do nothing right-'

'I know! But I didn't know all that at the time, until I got out there because you'd not confided in me and then when I tried to talk to you about it you got angry and upset and said I was overreacting and I thought I probably was but now I'm really mad at myself because I don't think I was. I think you needed help back then and I didn't help you get it-'

'No you just whisked me away and bought me back home' She mutters.

'What's that suppose to mean?' She doesn't respond. 'No, come on. Don't go silent. I asked you to marry me. You didn't have to say yes! Don't say it like I made you come back here-'

'What would've you said if I'd said no?' She arches her brow in question, her stare unfaltering.

'...what?' He doesn't understand what they're even talking about.

'If I'd told you I wasn't ready you'd have left me!'

'No I wouldn't! What're you saying right now?!'

'Yes you would! I walked away from opportunities for you-'

'Don't talk like I've had you cooped up as a housewife! You wanted to be a stay at home Mum to begin with! You did! And as soon as you wanted to work you did! I didn't force you into marriage!' He snickers because his memory of the day she'd said yes to him is still one of his favourite days and her implications are tarnishing it.

'I didn't say anything of the sort'

'Well what are you saying?! I don't even get what this stupid hypothetical game has to do with any of this'

'...we just, we were so young...I think, I think you didn't trust me and you wanted me back home and then you come out there and you find me a little overwhelmed and stressed out and you...'

'What? Took advantage of that?! Do you think seeing you sad made me happy?! Jesus Peyton I only wanted you to be happy!'

'I'm just saying I think we should've waited!' His eyes narrow. Glares at her. He's angry now. Angry doesn't even sum it up. 'You could've dated other people and got it all out your system and then-'

'For the hundredth time I do not want anyone else'

Moira clears her throat. 'What Peyton's said seems to have really struck a chord'

'She's wishing away our life together! Our children-'

'No!' Peyton disagrees.

'Well that's what I'm hearing'

'Well you're not listening then are you?!' She exclaims. 'I don't wish that all. I'm just, I'm just...this wasn't meant to be us' She averts her eyes yet again.

He narrows his eyes at her.

'I think when we go through trying times in life, in relationships, whatever it may be, it's only natural for us to look back at our past mistakes or decisions. A need to understand how we've ended up where we are, how certain circumstances have come about' Moira's calm voice sounds. Lucas listens. His anger and irritation is still simmering. Her voice keeps it at bay but it's still there. 'I know this might feel abrupt but I think maybe this would be a good place to stop for today, I can see you're both upset and whilst I want us to really get into that sometimes a bit of reflection can be good. If you're both game for some homework I think it'd be good if you each thought about a few things you'd do differently if you got a do over in your relationship and a few things you wouldn't change'

'Well apparently we'd never have had a relationship if it were up to her' Lucas rises to his feet and makes a beeline for the door.

'Lucas!' Peyton blurts because his sudden rude exit has her eyes wide.

'It's ok' Moira smiles. 'You think he's the first person to storm out of here? I'll see you next week ok?'

•••

She rolls her eyes as he marches ahead of her. Thinks he's probably going to get in his car and not say another word to her.

'Well bye then' She exhales as they reach their adjacent vehicles, refuses to behave in the same manner as he is. He looks at her then hard. Doesn't say anything. 'What?' She widens her eyes impatiently. He still says nothing. She sighs. Opens the driver door.

'What was that?' He barks then because she can't leave, not yet.

Her eyes wearily meet his. 'What?'

'In there?'

'Counselling Lucas. Where we talk about shit that makes us uncomfortable and we work through it'

'That's what it was?' He sniggers and shakes his head as he marches around the car in his path to get to her. 'It felt a lot more like you suggesting that I coerced you into marriage!'

'I said those words?' She shakes her head.

'You might as well have'

'We're not meant to talk about this now. We can rehash it again next week if you're not done talking about it-'

'Convenient isn't it?'

'I didn't exactly enjoy your implications about me and food but I'm not acting like a five year old right now-'

'Because anything I said was true!'

'I don't know why you're so worked up. I just voiced that maybe if we'd waited on marriage we might have been stronger in the long run and we might not have ended up here'

'You really think that?' He questions.

'I don't know what I think. I've had to question every little thing I once thought about our relationship-'

'You don't need to do that. It was all real! It's all real. Every moment we've had together' He shakes his head. 'You'd take it all back? You'd take the girls back?'

'You're being so over the top! I'm not rewriting history! I'm just trying to figure out how my marriage has fallen apart'

'I didn't need to experiment at college ok? You think this was about me getting bored of you but I never, I've not, I'm not bored of you! Would I be going to fucking counselling with you if I was bored? Why would I be so intent on fixing this if I wanted to be free of you?!'

'If you were content with me _it_ wouldn't have happened'

'No! If we'd not lost our son it wouldn't have happened! If we'd not suddenly been incapable of communicating it wouldn't have happened! It happened because you were depressed and grieving and I was grieving and I was trying to fix you in a billion, ridiculous ways! When you needed actual help from a professional! I always think I can fucking fix anything when it comes to you because I want to! I always want it to fucking be me because I'm selfish and needy and then you said you wanted a break and I fucking lost my shit because if it's not fucking apparent right now you're my life!' She blinks. Eyes skitter around the parking lot because if anyone is around she's sure all eyes are on them and the scene he's making. 'I love you!'

'Stop!' She cuts him off because her head is pounding. 'This isn't helpful'

'Us not talking isn't helpful. Just tell me what you're thinking!'

'I just did in there and you're having a full on melt down about it' She hisses.

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. '...if you'd said no in that hotel room I would've been devastated. Angry. Hurt' He expels. Tries to put himself in the shoes of a younger version of himself. '...I think back then I, maybe I would've felt rejected. I think my pride would've been wounded. I don't think I would've been as good at trying to see your perspective...we, that's something I've definitely gotten better at doing with age isn't it? You often view things differently and even when I don't understand where you're coming from with a bit of time and talking it through I do understand better...I think that's why I..found you not talking to me so hard when we lost Finley because I, I couldn't even begin to try and understand what you were thinking or feeling, I could only assume you were feeling what I was...' He rubs the back of his neck. Realises he's swerved off topic. '...I probably would've left you' He nods. 'If you'd said no to marriage that day. I wouldn't have wanted to but I would've. Because I was a stupid kid but I, that doesn't mean anything. I know that things would've eventually worked themselves out because I have faith in us and I couldn't love anyone the way I love you. My heart would've always been yours whether you knew it or not...Please stop doubting that I love you the way you've always thought I do. Because I do' He looks fiercely in her watery eyes. 'I do Peyton. If you'd said no and I'd walked away I wouldn't have been off at college getting laid. I would've been moping about pining after you'

She takes a shaky breath.

'And I sure as hell don't think Finley was your fault' He adds. 'Is that seriously what you think, you think it's your fault? You think I think it's your fault'

'...no' They might've left Moira's office but she can hear the woman's voice in her head, a voice coaxing her to be honest. '...maybe' Peyton relents with a sigh.

'I don't think that. I've never, ever thought that. Not for a single second-'

'I know' she interjects. 'I know you haven't but I just... I know it's not my fault but I...I guess I just, I've felt angry that I, angry about my body not being able to do it' He's already shaking his head. 'And I, I'm well aware that, that's not rational. That it, that there's nothing I could've done differently but it, it doesn't change that, that's how I..that's how I feel'

'It wasn't your fault. I've never, not for a second ever blamed you. It was no one's fault. It was just bad luck'

'...I know that but...I killed him. My body killed him. I was meant to protect him' Her voice is becoming quieter and quieter by the second.

'You didn't kill him. You're the best mother. The best. You would have done absolutely anything and everything to protect him. I know that' He abruptly pulls her into his arms. 'I wish you'd told me you've been feeling like it's your fault. I could've told you it's not over and over' His hug is almost suffocating. 'It's not your fault baby. It's not' He kisses the side of her head. She sniffles.

'I need to get back to the kids' She mumbles into his shoulder before trying to escape.

'Peyton-'

'I can't talk about it anymore today ok?' She wipes under her eyes.

He opens and closes his mouth. Doesn't want to stop this conversation because despite his raging emotions it feels like a breakthrough. Feels like she's confided more in him in the last hour than she has done in two years. He won't jeopardise that by pushing her to do more than she's comfortable with '...Let me drive you, I'll walk back and get the car later-'

'Don't be ridiculous'

'I don't like you driving like this'

'I'm ok. I promise'

His nostrils flare. 'Ok but I'm coming back to the house. I'm taking Sawyer to her ice skating in a while anyway so don't argue'

She sighs. '...ok'

•••

The sight that greets them as they walk through the side gate isn't anticipated. They both know that the child has snuck out into the garden without her grandmother realising because they know Karen Scott wouldn't be condoning their daughter's game.

'Roewyn Harper Scott' Peyton bellows.

The little girl jumps.

'What're you doing?'

'Mud pool' Her hair is half up half down. Specks of mud on cherub cheeks. The little white sundress that Peyton had just got a stain out of after a meeting with some spag bowl is white no more, yet again.

'Mud pool' Peyton echoes.

'Uhuh. My animals need it' She points to the array of plastic toys.

'Look at the mess you've made'

The seven year old's eyes skitter around. 'It...it's not a mess' Lucas stifles a laugh because she looks a little confused by her mother's analysis. 'It, it's a mud pool Mummy. My hippo and, and my elephants like it'

'But the flowers Roe!' Peyton wavers her hands at the drowning flowerbed.

'I didn't pick them'

'Honey' Peyton sighs because the little girl's eyes are welling and her expression is all innocence. 'You gotta ask before you start making mud pools'

'...You like my hippo and elephants, you got them for me'

'Yes I like them-'

'They like mud Mummy. It said so on that programme we watched. The hippos get hot so they gotta cool down and-'

'Roewyn' Lucas cuts in. 'We love how much you like animals. Just ask before you get the hose out. Ok? I think your animals can survive the weather of Tree Hill without turning the backyard into a swamp'

'It's Africa Daddy' She argues but is quick to backtrack with the stern look she gets in answer. 'Sorry' She surrenders an apology. 'I promise I won't do it again'

'Go on in and take that dress off so I can soak it' Roewyn gathers her plastic toys from the wet mud. 'And those can stay at the back door until I've cleaned them up'

'I can clean them' The prospect of continuing to use the hose for a few more minutes is compelling.

'Uh, uh. I think I'll handle the cleaning part thanks' Peyton disagrees.

The seven year old's bottom lip sticks out as she stomps back toward the house. 'Where the heck is Mum?' Lucas wonders as he unearths the muddy hose pipe and walks it back toward the side of the house.

'Probably cleaning or making us a dinner. I bet she's only been out here for five minutes. You know how quick she works'

'Yeah' He smiles as he turns the tap off, fondly remembering the last time they'd seen the garden in a similar kind of shape.

 _'She's driving me insane!'_

 _'Who? Where? Why? I'll take em out' He bawls his hands into fists._

 _Peyton smiles. 'Roewyn' His fingers uncurl._

 _'Oh shit. I kinda like her Sweetheart' He retracts his promise._

 _'Me too' Peyton smirks. 'I'd rather you didn't take her out' She kisses his cheek._

 _'What's she doing?'_

 _'Er have you seen the garden?'_

 _His eyes skitter to the French windows, his eyes widening. 'Fuck'_

 _'I said she could water the flowers' He gives her a look then. 'What?'_

 _'I mean' He shrugs. 'Come on, that's a bloody mess waiting to happen' He can see the five year old in question looking rather wet and muddy._

 _'I was gone for five seconds! Apparently she's being a hippo and hippos like mud'_

 _He laughs. 'She's got an answer for everything'_

 _'Uhuh. Where does she get that from I wonder?'_

 _'What're you suggesting Peyton Scott?'_

 _'That she's got her Daddy's imagination. That she loves to tell all the stories'_

 _'Uhuh. But her Daddy does not enjoy the mess. That's all her Mummy'_

 _'Rude'_

 _'True' He turns to her, hands find her hips. Tugs her to him. 'You're so dirty' He squints at her._

 _Her brow arches. 'Lucas Scott are you using our daughter's mess to hit on me?'_

 _'What's so wrong with that?' He smiles._

 _'Well my husband probably wouldn't be too impressed. He get's awfully jealous'_

 _'I'm sure he does. How couldn't he?' He plays along. 'You know the great thing about her creating a landslide in the garden?'_

 _'What?'_

 _'She's gonna be preoccupied out there making mud pies and all sorts. Sawyer isn't due back for another hour'_

 _'Mhm. And what do you propose we do with that time?'_

 _He lets his hand trail up her. 'There's a lot of things we could do'_

 _'Uhuh. Like eat all the things we shouldn't. Have a power nap' She widens her eyes. 'Watch that film you keep banging on about'_

 _'Not the kind of things I had in mind baby'_

 _'No? You really want to watch that film'_

 _'I could never want anything as much as I want you'_

 _She smiles. 'You don't have to want me. You have me'_

 _'Oh?'_

 _'Mhmm' She links her arms around his neck then. 'We better quit this little chat if anything is gonna happen cause I know you were joking about the landslide but I'm not that convinced that she's not capable of creating one'_

 _'A small sacrifice' He laughs and tugs her toward the utility room._

 _'Really in here?' She whines._

 _'Uhuh. Really. You can keep an eye on her through that window'_

 _'We're awesome parents' she hums sarcastically._

 _He laughs. 'Uhuh' Lifts her up onto the washer then._

 _'Oh fuck she's got the hose again'_

 _'I love how much she's like you'_

 _'I find it insulting that her causing havoc is when you tell me she's like me'_

 _'You cause havoc on my heart every day'_

 _She laughs. Hits his chest. 'Nice try sappy sappiston'_

 _'Sappy sappiston' He mimics._

 _'Yup'_

 _'Well Sappy sappiston or not I mean it. I dunno how after all this time you still have me hauling you into cupboards to fuck you'_

 _'Well from my perspective. Whole lot of hauling, not much fucking'_

 _'Oh really?' He nuzzles his nose against hers._

 _'Uhuh'_

 _His hands are beneath her dress now. 'Lift up'_

 _She does but before he's got her underwear past her hips she's sitting back down._ _'Shit'_

 _'What potty mouth? Lift up'_

 _'Haley has just come through the back gate'_

 _'What?! No!' He whines as his head swivels to survey the situation. Sure enough he clocks his best friend. If he wasn't so caught up in how he was planning to spend the next half hour he'd have laughed at her horrified expression. Peyton hastily lowers herself off the washing machine then. 'Wait where're you going-'_

 _'We can't-'_

 _'She'll have a field day cleaning up Roe-'_

 _'And won't be at all concerned as to where her parents are?!'_

 _'Well she's already got us in the shit parents category-'_

 _'Unlike you I'd rather not be in that bracket. Later baby' She presses a placating kiss to his lips._

 _'How do you do that?' He complains._

 _'What?' She laughs._

 _'Just turn it on and off?' He pouts._

 _'You think it's like a switch?'_

 _'You just hop off and run away!'_

 _'Because if I don't get away I'm gonna let you convince me and I think we've already given ourselves a bloody awesome reputation' Her words are dripping in sarcasm._

 _'I don't think there's anything wrong with our reputation'_

 _'Behave' she runs then because she knows he's going to use her to barricade the door shut and she'll be done for then._

'I've gotta stop buying her white clothes' Peyton's murmur has him blinking back at her.

'...I don't know. She's like a walking canvas'

Peyton tilts her head back at him. 'You're likening mud to art now? Who are you right now?'

He laughs. 'Maybe I'm getting use to mess. I mean it's about time between her and you'

'Asshole'

He smiles. 'It's kind of ironic isn't it?'

'What?'

'Her Mumma kills flowers by not giving them any water and she drowns them'

'I can look after a bunch of flowers Luke'

'Uhuh. Sure you can...Peyton?'

'Mm?'

'...today...thank you. For agreeing to do this. The counselling I mean. I know you don't want to talk anymore about anything today but I, I'm so grateful you're letting us do this' She swallows. 'Here, I'll wash the animals' He preempts her busying herself with their daughter's toys. 'You go have a cup of tea with Mum' She opens and closes her mouth. He shakes his head. 'Don't say anything'


	20. Chapter 20

TWENTY

The boxes are towering in the hall. They take him off guard. He flinches as his daughter makes them shudder with her ascent up the stairs and hastily removes the highest box and builds a smaller stack beside what he deems to be the unsafe tower. The chaos has him itching to organise. The array of boxes has his wife written all over it; it's a mess.

'There you are' He finds her in the living room. Removes his daughter's skates that have been slung over his shoulder and sets them on the sofa.

'Oh, hey' She startles; had been wrapped up in her own little world. Blinks. Hopes her teary eyes go unnoticed. Of course they don't. How could they? 'Where's Sawyer?' She asks before he can question her wellbeing.

'She went on upstairs. Something about some show she has to get back to?'

'She's obsessed with Lost right now'

'Lost?'

'Uhuh. Apparently they're all watching it'

'Is that appropriate?' He's trying to remember the ins and outs of the programme in question.

'Probably not. Parent of the year I know. I can't even remember what happens'

'I don't think anyone knows what happened even if they watched it'

She smiles. 'Well you slept through half of it' She counters.

'Roewyn was an exhausting baby' He answers simply because he recalls his sleep depravation had been key to his inability to sit through the series. 'Not that you need telling that'

'No' She smiles because their youngest child had been a handful as a baby and had left them sleepless for what felt like the first two years of her life. 'How was skating?'

'Great. I can't believe how quickly she picks stuff up'

'Her Daddy's daughter'

'Wow was that compliment Peyton Scott?' She rolls her eyes. 'What you looking at?'

'Sorting out the cupboard of photo albums and stuff' She shrugs. Her answer explains her glassy eyes. 'I should get Hales and B to do it because they'd do it ten times quicker. I can't help but look through them all'

'Let me help'

'It's alright'

He's already on the floor though. Smiles as he clocks a photo of Roewyn at 2 years old with baby cream smeared all over her face. 'Somethings haven't changed huh?'

Peyton laughs. 'No'

'This has always been one of my favourites' He looks at it fondly. Wonders where the time has gone because it only feels like five seconds ago that both their kids had been in diapers. 'Made a start on packing then huh?'

'Only a little. It's gonna take forever so I thought I might as well do the odd bit here and there to make it less of an ordeal'

'You shoulda told me you were making a start. I would have come and helped'

'There's plenty to do'

'Uhuh. So maybe halt and let me help'

'You don't think I know what that look means' She's still rifling through the photos scattered around her. Doesn't need to look up to know the expression he's giving her.

'What look?' He squints at her.

'The. _You're incapable of tidying, organising and cooking look'_

He smiles. 'I disagree with the last. You make a real great pasta bake' She looks at him. Her eyes unamused. He laughs. 'It's a bloody danger zone out there!' He can't help himself. 'And I bet you don't know where you've put anything because none of the boxes are labelled'

'Not everything has to live in specific places. You're such a control freak over what things go in their designated zones'

'You're one to talk. Your records are the definition of control freak organisation' He bickers. Has always been astound by how precious she is when it concerns their music collection when she's so dismissive of organisation elsewhere.

'Whole different ball park buddy. I did put your name on a few boxes of stuff that's specifically yours'

He cringes. 'Right...'

'But you can scour everything and take whatever'

'Whatever' He echoes. 'Your records are up for grabs then?'

'Touch them and you'll lose your hands'

He smiles. Shakes his head. Lets his eyes return to surveying the realms of photos because lingering on the current subject is too painful; he doesn't want to start separating objects that he classifies as belonging to them both. Has no intention of doing such. He soon locates another image that draws a smirk onto his lips. 'This is another favourite' She's in nothing but stockings and black panties. Her hands clasped over her chest. Her face a mix of surprise and irritation.

'Give that here' She snatches it away.

'Clearly you're a fan. You had it printed'

'No I didn't. You sent me the folder to be printed from that holiday actually!' She recollects. 'I didn't sift through them to check for any of your pervy snaps'

He grins. 'Oh yeah' Knows it was no accident that the image wound up in the to print cut. Recalls smugly imagining her showing their family and friends their holiday pictures and preempting her going red as they saw the picture in question. 'You can hide it all you like. It's on my phone along with some others'

'What?'

He laughs at her comical expression 'Why so shocked?'

'You've got naked photos of me on your phone?'

He smiles. 'Semi. You know I do'

'Is this the face of somebody who knows that?'

'Well you ought to' He shrugs because he thought he'd been pretty open with his hobby of taking her picture. Albeit it was all the more fun catching her unaware. 'I've got a whole album dedicated to you sweetheart'

'Of me doing what?'

'They're pretty similar to that one''

'So I _am_ naked?'

'Semi' He repeats.

'You can't have photos of me like that on your phone' She hisses quietly. It makes his eyes skitter around the room, half expecting to find a bystander to their conversation.

'Sure I can' He whispers back exaggeratedly when he finds no eavesdropping children. 'You're my wife' He annunciates.

'Give me your phone'

'Nope'

'Give me your phone right now'

'No'

'Why?' She exclaims. 'Am I not the only one in your dirty little folder?'

He rolls his eyes because she knows full well her question is going to have him handing the phone over because there's no way in hell he's going to allow her to think he has anything untoward on the device.

Her fingers hesitate. 'Why would I have changed the pin?' His question has her fingers keying in her birthday to access the phone's contents. Her stomach knots because she's his screen wallpaper. It's one she's not seen in a long time. It's at Milly and Mouth's wedding. She's wearing blue. He'd been winding her up at the time and she's got her arms crossed and she's both frowning and smiling at once.

'I hate that picture'

'It makes me smile'

'It's a common theme isn't it? Me being pissed off gives you so much entertainment'

'Uhuh'

She's looking through the photo albums and can't find the incriminating folder.

'Where is it?'

'See I'm very good at making sure the kids don't stumble across it' He reaches for the screen and swipes into a hidden folder within a folder.

Her eyes widen a little at the contents. 'Oh my god Lucas' Some of them she knew existed, some of them not. They range from innocent enough to what she deems inappropriate.

'Look at you there' He smirks as she lingers on an image of her laying on their bed on her front in nothing but green panties. She's looking back over her shoulder coyly. She tilts the screen away from him as he peers at the image. He laughs. 'You're being ridiculous and you were posing for that one!'

'A first'

'Not a first. You knew half of these were being taken'

'If that's true it's because at the time you were entitled to these'

'I'm still entitled to them' His voice takes on a stern tone. 'You don't think I have every part of you memorised up here' He taps his head.

'You can't have these-'

He preempts her trying to delete the folder then and all but lurches at her. 'Don't you dare' She scrambles across the floor to get some space between them. Shrieks when he captures her calf and drags her back.

'Lucas!' Gasps as she finds herself flat on her back with him looming over her in all of a second. 'I'm deleting them!'

'No!' He wrestles his phone from her grasp. 'Don't be mean!'

'I'm not being mean! It's weird' He bats her reaching hands away. Fights her wrists back to the floor.

'No. It's. Not' He pants. 'Some of my all time favourites are in there you can't just wipe them'

'You can't use them to...'

Now he's got his phone back in safe hands and has her disabled his smugness is quick to return. He squints down at her. 'To what?'

'You know what'

'I'm not sure I do sweetheart' He smirks.

'Yes you bloody do, I can't be your inspiration-'

He laughs. 'Well you are. Every time. Always will be. Shall we take some more inspiration now?' He's cleverly got a knee either side of her arms and lets his weight settle a little more on her so she can't escape as he gets his camera up.

'Urgh Lucas. Don't' She moans. 'I can't breathe'

'Hmm, not your best photo sweetheart' He chuckles at the stills of her mid complaint. 'Bite your lip and make that face I love-'

'Let. Me. Up' She tries to arch beneath him with little success.

'Maybe we should undo a few buttons on this too' He presses her harder into the floor as he pops open the top button on her shirt.

Her eyes narrow dangerously. 'Another and you'll never use that hand again'

He laughs at her warning. 'I love it when you talk like you're a little gangster' He ignores her and frees another fastening. His grin wanes a little as the lace of a familiar black bra comes into view. She watches his eyes darken. 'I love that one' He murmurs. She finds herself inhaling exaggeratedly. He blinks. Mischievously takes another shot.

'What are you two doing?'

Both their heads swivel to the side to find Roewyn in the doorway. 'Roe' He murmurs. Drops his phone to the floor. 'You're meant to be in bed'

She's got her beloved soft Kitty Cat slung under her arm, her hair is all messy and Peyton knows full well that she's been doing headstands on her bed again instead of trying to sleep. 'I heard you and Sawyer get back. You've not come to say hi Daddy'

'I was just talking to Mummy before I came up to give you a kiss' He's hastily shifted off of Peyton now.

'Why were you wrestling?'

'We were just playing a game' Lucas bats his hand animatedly to keep her attention on him rather than Peyton who is fumbling to refasten her top.

'Daddy is just being annoying Roe boat' Peyton murmurs as she sits up, her cheeks flushed.

'You two always play weird games'

'Come on, I'll come tuck you back in' He holds his hand out expectantly to Peyton. Knows she's not so slyly retrieved his device in their scuffle to compose themselves for their daughter. She hesitates. He knows she's not going to make a scene in front of the child and smiles. 'My phone please' She glares as she hands it over. 'Thank you' He chirps and is back on his feet, his attention back on Roewyn. 'Come on monster, let's tuck you back in'

•••

'Mummy and Daddy wrestle'

Brooke's brow kinks because the seven year old's announcement has little to do with the topic at hand, not that she sees anyway. They'd been gossiping about their friends and what she'd deemed as the manipulative games that Owen and Mia were currently participating in. Unlike Brooke, Peyton is more in tune with the child's connection to the topic. Knows the word game is what has prompted her unwanted participation in their conversation.

Peyton shakes her head at the brunette but only receives a smirk in answer before she's concentrating back on the child. 'Wrestle huh? Where were they wrestling Roe?'

'In the lounge'

'When?'

'Last night'

'Brooke-'

'And were they wrestling with their clothes on or off?'

'Brooke!-'

'On' Roewyn looks somewhat disturbed by Brooke's last enquiry. 'I don't think Mummy is as good at it as Daddy' Roewyn looks at her mother then. 'That's not mean you just were losing Mummy. I think you just might need some practice'

'You're right Roe. She's just out of practice' Brooke grins.

'Ok enough of that' Peyton intervenes. 'I've asked you about ten times to take the toys that are yours in the lounge upstairs. Can you please do it'

Roewyn pouts. Steals a cookie from the side before reluctantly leaving.

There's a beat of silence before Peyton is speaking. 'Not. What. You're. Thinking'

'Oh come on, you're gonna lie to me? Wrestling?'

'We were! I was trying to delete something on his phone if you must know and he didn't want me to and then she walks in on us squabbling over it' She mumbles. 'Not that I have to explain myself to you'

'What were you trying to delete?'

'Just...photos' Peyton puffs out a breath in annoyance.

'Are there lots of naughty girl Peyton Scott photos lurking on Lucas Scott's phone?' Brooke grins.

'He's always fucking taking pictures of me and and half the time I don't even know'

'That's a yes then'

Peyton scowls at her best friend then. 'He's essentially being a stalker'

'You can't call your husband a stalker' Brooke laughs.

'Yes I can. It's my body, I get to say who does and doesn't see it and there he is with a thousand pictures of me that he can access whenever he bloody wants'

Brooke's head bobs in mock understanding earning her yet another glare. '...What?! You're telling me you don't have a billion photos of him on your phone because honey I know for a fact you do'

'Not like that I don't' She grumbles. 'So if you see his phone lying around go on it. The pin is my birthday-'

'If you're about to tell me to delete shit on his phone I'm not doing that!' Brooke bleats.

'Why?'

'Because! It's his phone and I don't really wanna look through a bunch of photos of whatever you two get up to behind closed doors'

'Nothing is going on behind closed doors'

'Mhmmm sure'

'It's not'

'Whatever, I know that you love that he has a bunch of photos of you'

'Yes because everything I just said emphasises that'

'Uhuh. Cause it was just you wasn't it?'

'What?'

'He just has photos of you. What does that tell you honey?' Peyton chews on the inside of her cheek.

'That all should be forgiven?'

'Didn't say that but like you've said, you can't just stop loving him' Brooke shrugs. 'You can't expect him to just stop loving you either. And as much as you're mad at him I know that's not what you want anyway' Peyton sighs. There's a beat of silent before Brooke continues to speak. 'So, whilst we're on the subject of you being a sexy little model' Brooke smirks. 'Don't suppose you want to model some new lingerie for the upcoming line?' Peyton cringes. 'Don't look at me like that's the most absurd request' The brunette rolls her eyes.

'It is absurd because you've asked me before. Why would my answer be any different?'

'I figure if I ask you enough you might say yes one day'

'You want my bony ass, as you describe it oh so frequently, to sell lingerie?'

'Well it won't be for a little while. You've got time to work on it not being quite so bony'

'Oh I see, this is another ploy to tell me I need to eat more'

'Would I do such a thing?'

'Thank you but no thank you'

'Oh come on' Brooke whines. 'I think it'd be good for your self esteem. You don't think very highly of yourself right now and-'

'And somebody photographing and highlighting how shit I look is really gonna help'

'You do not look shit' Brooke glares. 'And Lucas Scott evidently doesn't think so either' She smiles triumphantly. 'Think about it'

'Don't do that'

'What?'

'That thing you do when you tell me to think about something but you have zero intention of listening to my answer!'

'I always listen to your answer'

'Just not necessarily care what it is it if it's not the one you want'

Brooke smiles. 'Oh you're just getting that I always get my own way?' Brooke drawls mischievously. 'Well that's great honey, we can skip all the theatrics of pretending otherwise and I'll pencil you in'

'Not happening B. And I mean it'

'Sure. Think about it'

•••

'What's up baby?' Peyton puts her pencil down and stops what she's working on because the 11 year old keeps circling the room and clearly has something on her mind.

'Nothing' She's got the cat that has quickly become her best friend in her arms. He's purring and keeps nuzzling his head against her as she scratches behind his ear.

Peyton squints at her. 'Not buying it. You never want to be in here with me when I'm working'

'You're working a lot' Sawyer shrugs.

Peyton grimaces. 'I know that that's sucked lately huh? But it'll ease up soon. I promise. Come here'

Sawyer slowly makes her way to where her mother is sat. Sighs exaggeratedly as she's tugged down onto Peyton's lap. 'Mum'

'Sawyer' Peyton mimics as she locks her hands around the middle of the child. Swears she gets bigger every time she does this.

'You're weird'

Peyton smiles as she latches her chin over her daughter's shoulder. 'Uhuh. In many ways but hugging you isn't one of them baby. Since when did you not like a hug?'

'I'm practically as big as you'

'Erm, no. You're not honey and age and size does not effect anybody's need for all the hugs in the world'

'You scared Batman'

'Bat-cat looks as content as could be' Peyton runs her hand over the cat's fluffy head. 'You're spoilt. You know that?' She hums to the creature. He purrs loudly as if in agreement.

'...did you know you were gonna be an illustrator when you were my age?' The eleven year old is inspecting the unfinished drawing on the desk.

'Not really. I've always drawn a lot but for a while I thought I wanted to work in music'

'Music?'

'Uhuh'

'Why didn't you?'

'I don't know, it wasn't really what I thought and then a certain wonderful little person was given to me'

'I ruined it?'

'Nope. You made my world honey'

'But how did you end up doing this? Cause Dad writes books?'

'Sort of. He's always been good at going through my stuff and submitting it to people without me knowing' She smiles.

'Like you submitted his book without him knowing' Sawyer smirks.

'Mmm. He started it'

' _Your art matters. It's what got me here'_ She chants in a sing song voice.

'Alright smarty pants'

'Er you guys are the ones that put stuff on the wall' She wavers her hand to the large print.

'Daddy is' Peyton corrects because she was most definitely not responsible for the frame in question.

'Cause everything you draw is good Mum'

'Thanks baby. You know this' She taps the desk before them. 'You know this comes after you and Roe though right?'

'Uhuh'

'Is that what the matter is? I'm working too much?'

'No. I know you have this big job on right now and we need money and-'

'We're ok though. You're not worrying about stuff like that are you? That's mine and Daddy's job but we have everything under control and I know you're not thrilled about moving but I know you're going to like the house. You're gonna see it in a few days. I just want to make sure everything is set in stone before I try to get you excited about it and I, I just want you to give it chance honey'

'I'm not worried about the house. I don't want to move but I'm not a baby. I understand'

'I know you understand but you're still allowed to be sad. I'm sad about leaving'

'That's not it...Riley isn't talking to me' Sawyer confesses. Her eyes follow the sooty black paw that keeps playfully swiping at her hand when she stops stroking the cat in her arms.

Peyton swallow as she digests her daughter's confession. 'Oh...Did you guys have an argument? It's about the smoking incident?' Sawyer's head swivels round to glare at her mother.

'Her Mum and Dad have grounded her forever and it's my fault Mum!'

'It's not your fault' Peyton sternly disagrees. 'She did the right thing by telling them truth'

'Because she knew you and Dad would if not!'

'Honey you can't take the wrap for someone else's mistakes. You made sure she got to go to her party. She still got to have that huh? You did that for her'

'I don't get it! She was fine with me the other day'

'Maybe it's not you. Maybe she's just having a bad week'

'She was talking to everyone else though. It is me'

'You'll figure it out. I promise you will. If you two are meant to be best friends you'll sort it out. Me and your Aunt Brooke have had our fair share of arguments and we've always made up'

'You never argue!' Sawyer rolls her eyes.

Peyton twirls one of her daughter's curls around her finger. 'No, not now but when we were your age' Peyton widens her eyes dramatically. 'There were several'

'How did you make up?'

Peyton shrugs. 'Which time?'

'How many times were there?'

'Things were a little rough for a couple of years at one point'

Sawyer's mouth drops. 'A couple of years?!'

'We were older than you and it was sadly to do with boys' Peyton rolls her eyes as she reflects on what she now deems to be a ridiculous time in her youth.

'Boys' Sawyer cringes. 'Mum that's so not cool'

'Oh I know. I could've done with you as a friend at the time'

'Were you in some cliche love triangle?' Sawyer twists further around on Peyton's lap, mischief dancing in her eyes as she looks into her mother's face.

'Who are you?' Peyton laughs.

'What?!'

'You're like a sixteen year old in and eleven year old's body sometimes I swear' Peyton tilts her head. 'I forbid you to stop growing up'

'You're avoiding the question' She sassily answers.

Peyton exhales through her nose. 'If you must know it was about Daddy'

'Daddy?'

'Uhuh. Your Aunt Brooke was dating him and well-'

'Woah, what?!' Sawyer's hand stops stroking Batman, wavering animatedly. 'You lot are so weird! You've kissed Uncle Nate and now Dad has kissed Aunt Brooke?!' Peyton smiles at her disbelief. 'But dad and...' She trails off, her nose turned up. 'How long did they date?'

'Oh I dunno now, it was a long time ago, on and off for a bit'

'But Dad always talks like he knew he wanted to be with you from the first time he saw you'

'School is confusing baby and when you're young it can be harder to convey your feelings cause they're all so knew and confusing. Me and Daddy wanted different things for a good while'

'Like what?'

'Well not different just, I think I was scared for a while about how I was feeling'

'Scared'

'Uhuh. Love is...' Peyton leans back in her chair. 'It's the most magical feeling but it can also be overwhelming and scary. At least it was for me. I was hard work. I think I was angry at the world when I first met Daddy'

'Angry'

'Uhuh. I'd lost my Mum and your Grandad was away a lot. I found that hard and because of that I think it took me a little while to trust that Daddy wasn't going to leave too'

'Leave'

'Mhmm' Peyton blinks 'Why're we talking about this?' She shakes her head and she attempts to reroute their conversation because somehow they've gotten off track and the subject is becoming dangerously painful 'Riley will-'

'I like talking about this' Sawyer cuts in. 'I wish I knew you when you were my age'

Peyton smiles. 'I think at your age you would've helped me not let Aunt Brooke lead me astray'

'Aunt Brooke got into trouble?'

'I'm teasing. She's always been my best friend and my rock and at 11 she was helping me try and cope with losing my Mum. At 11 I was a bit of a rule follower. Her not so much. It didn't take me long to follow. Following rules isn't always the best anyway...What's with the frown?' Sawyer's expression is one she can't work out. 'What baby?'

'Nothing'

'It's not nothing'

'It's just...you and Aunt Brooke aren't the same as me and Riley'

'I know but-'

'It's not the same'

'Ok but I'm just trying to say that you'll work it out if it's meant to be. Me and Brooke made it through schools and boys and you' she widens her eyes. Sawyer pouts.

'I'm not the crazy kid Mum. Roe is the one being a ninja ballerina in the front room right now'

Peyton cringes because Sawyer's description doesn't bode well for the state of the room in question. She takes Sawyer's hands. 'Tomorrow is a new day. Just talk to her honey. I think mine and Brooke's disagreements wouldn't ever have lasted as long if we'd just talked to each other' She kisses Sawyer's cheek. 'Want to help me reign in the ninja ballerina?'

A wane smile touches Sawyer's lips. 'Ok'

•••

'Really I'm sorry'

'Nothing to be sorry for Lucas' Moira bats her hand dismissively.

'I let my emotions get the better of me'

'You're not the first person that's ran out of here. I think Peyton has wanted to do a runner more than a few times'

Peyton tries a small smile.

'Is that so?' He cocks his head.

'How have you both been getting on since last time?'

'Together?' Lucas wonders.

'Together, apart, why don't you fill me in on your week'

'I feel like you probably know all about Peyton's week' He mumbles.

'About that, I spoke to your therapist. Thank you by the way for emailing over those details'

'Oh yeah. No problem'

'We thought maybe if you're game it would make more sense for you to see me individually too rather than me communicating with her. Obviously only if you're ok with that. There's no right or wrong-'

'I think I'd like that' He's quick to agree, his head bobbing. 'As weird as it sounds I kinda feel like the third wheel'

Moira smiles. 'I can see how you might feel that way. We'll set that up then. Is that ok with you Peyton?'

'Yeah'

'It is?' Lucas double checks. 'Cause I won't if you don't-'

'Why would I mind?'

'I don't know' His shoulders shrug. 'But if you do-'

'I don't mind'

'Ok' He smiles and sits back further in the chair. 'So Peyton has told you the offer on the house got accepted?'

'I had heard that. How are you feeling about that?'

'Relieved mostly. I mean I won't lie and say I'm not gutted because I'm the reason this is happening right now but at the same time I liked the new house and it's big weight of both our shoulders, right?' He looks back at Peyton.

'I feel... relieved' She agrees.

'Did you tell Moira about the conversation we had in the parking lot after the session last week?'

'Yes...What?' She answers his questioning gaze.

'Nothing'

'Did you feel better after that conversation Lucas?'

'I think so. I mean I still don't get why she bought up her hypothetical proposal scenario'

'Because you misunderstood all of that' Peyton mumbles.

'In what way?'

'You kept saying I want to rewrite history. I don't want that.'

'Because of the kids' He deduces. 'Because you'd never take them back' He summarises.

'Not just them. Obviously...you' She avoids looking at him. He smiles at her hesitant admission. 'I'm just thinking a lot lately. I can't help it and I, we did everything so young-'

'And as I've said several times, it's likely we wouldn't have any kids at this point if we'd not wound up pregnant with Sawyer Sweetheart'

'I know, I know that' She closes her eyes. 'I'm sorry. Just ignore me'

'You need to stop the what if game...I got so upset the other day because surely you know that hurts me. The implication that you wish you'd not married me suggests you were unsure about us back then-'

'I wasn't unsure' She sighs.

'No?'

'No. I'm just upset! I'm upset that it's, it's in pieces! I wasn't unsure back then. Being overwhelmed isn't uncertainty. You were always six steps ahead of me at everything'

He snorts. 'No I wasn't. Really wasn't. You did everything first-'

'I'm not talking about sex' She looks up at him then. 'You were more mature than me. You were. You always claim that you knew I was the one at 13. That you wanted me before you even knew me. You wanted to be in a relationship with me and we'd barely had a conversation. You wanted marriage when we'd not even lived together yet. You know I wanted Sawyer but she wasn't exactly planned at that moment was she? You didn't freak out like I did. You've always just been, been ready for everything and it's always taken me a little bit longer and that, that's never been a reflection of how much I...that's not because I didn't feel the same. I just process things differently. My brain thinks about all the potential bad things that can go wrong whereas you focus on the good'

'People always leave' He murmurs.

'What does that mean Lucas?' Moira wonders.

'It's something she use to say when I first met her. Her Mum died when she was little and then after only knowing her biological Mum for such a short time she died too. Her Dad was away all the time. She assumed everyone would bail. When I first told her I wanted everything with her she ran away like she didn't trust that I wanted more.'

'I was a kid and I barely knew you-'

'First of all you don't know me. Second of all you don't know me' He cuts in. She rolls her eyes. 'Only I did. I did know you. Even then. And yeah when I told you I wanted everything with you we'd not had a billion conversations but we had spoken a fair bit and somehow those conversations had been more meaningful than any I'd ever had with anyone before. You felt it. You felt this thing between us. You did and it scared you-'

'Well you didn't exactly hang around long to wait did you? You were dating B five seconds later'

'Because I didn't think you were interested!'

'I know! I don't know why we're talking about this!'

'Me neither. You're the one that keeps taking us down memory lane! Yes our beginning wasn't the smoothest but I knew. I knew I wanted you from the start and yes I know you found it scary and yes for a good while I dated other people because I didn't think you were interested but we got there. We got there and no matter what you say I know you felt that connection early on. You didn't understand it but you were drawn to me. You felt this thing between us and you were scared of it but you were also so brave. You're wrong you know. About me always being first. You told me you loved me first and I know that was a huge deal for you. You rehashing our relationship for the magic answer as to how we've ended up here is ridiculous' He spouts. 'It doesn't change anything because I love you and you love me. What's happened does not in anyway counteract our marriage. It's always been that way and that's how it's always going to be'

'But I don't...' She wraps her arms tight around herself.

'You don't what?'

'I don't trust you now!' She utters. He swallows. 'How can I? You outright lied to me. You made choices for me Lucas! Big choices. The kind of choices you speak to your wife about! And I know I'm a mess and I know I made everything difficult for you but it hurts because you didn't tell me about certain things because you knew I'd say no! You knew I'd disagree and yet you did it anyway. I don't want to feel like I'm second guessing you all the time-'

'You're not! We can rebuild the trust. I know I was stupid! And I know for a good while I just kept telling you I did it for you like that was ok. I know it doesn't make it ok but from where I was stood at that time the only way of making you feel better was to give you another child and I just, I thought-'

'I told you I was done with IVF'

'I know. I know'

'Lucas why do you think you didn't talk to Peyton about what you were doing in regards to your finances?'

'...I guess she's right. Because I knew she'd say no. But I, at that time, in my head I thought I could sort it. I thought I knew better than she did. I, I have tendency to want to fix things...to look after her' He chews on the inside of his cheek. '...I expect her to confide in me all the time and it, it's a double standard when I, I know I don't feel like I should put certain things on her' He sighs. 'And I know that's unfair...I guess our finances' He shrugs. 'I, in a way I put that responsibility on my shoulders. In the beginning I was the only one earning and I took control and made her think that I had a handle of it all because I feel like I should'

'Don't you see us as equals?' Peyton murmurs.

'Of course I do' He rubs the back of his neck. 'I grew up watching my Mum struggle with zero support and I just, I wanted to give you everything she never had. I want to look after you. And I know you don't need looking after and you don't need me like that but I love you, I don't think it's awful for me to want to make your dreams come true.' Her nostrils flare. His face crumples and he instantly edges across the vacant gap between them. 'Sweetheart'

'You're who I want beside me when my dreams come true and you're who I want beside me when they don't' She mumbles words he'd once said to her.

'Exactly. That's still true'

'Is it?'

'Yes!'

The tear that's been daring to escape races down her cheek suddenly. She looks down. '...I...I don't trust that I'm what you want because I, I'm not who I was' Her last words are whispered. 'I'm not'

'We've both changed. This has changed both of us but you're still the same person and I'm still me. I know you. I know that there's no way you'd be sitting here with me right now if you weren't still invested in us. You're fucking stubborn. There's no way in hell you'd even entertain counselling with me if you didn't want to fix this. You can give me the "it's for the girls" crap all you like. You're sat here because you can't let go of what your heart wants and I know you're confused because I hurt you, I hurt you and you're mad at me and you've decided in your head that what I've done is beyond forgiving because you're humiliated and because forgiving me is teaching our daughters that infidelity is ok right?' She blinks. Is pretty sure he's just verbalised many of the thoughts flitting around her head. 'But this isn't about the girls. This is about you and me. Whatever is right for us is what's right for them' She purses her lips together. '...you feel it, I know you do. It's exactly the same as it was when we were kids...you think if you fight it it's just going to go away? It's not' She not surprisingly stays mute. His stare is pleading.

'What're you thinking Peyton?' Moira ends the silence.

'...That, that I get that he's rightly frustrated'

His brow raises in surprise.

'Because?' Moira coaxes.

'Because I know I've given him mixed messages, am giving him mixed messages...I'm just...I feel like my...' She sighs. 'I feel like my head and my heart are, are in different places' She acknowledges.

'Well your mind hasn't exactly been in the most sound place has it? Perhaps the heart should have the ruling vote' He mutters. '...sorry' Sighs. 'I'm sorry. I just, the second you start talking about us like, like there's even the slightest possibility that we're done' He shakes his head. 'I get angry'

'The reason I'm all over the place is because I'm angry!' She retorts.

'Ok we're both angry' Moira summarises. 'Let's step away from that anger for a moment. Lucas if you could change anything would you?' Moira wonders.

'Yes of course..I'd change going away on that book tour shortly after we lost Finley. It was only a couple of weeks and she told me to go but I, I shouldn't have. She needed me. I think it was so much harder because my sister-in-law was right there going through all the motions that Peyton should've been and I...by the time I got back I...' He shrugs. 'There was this wall' He nods. 'I'd obviously change the gambling. And the lying. And...Lindsey but I, I think I did a series of things after we lost him that, that made her try and cope with everything by herself'

'Would you agree with that Peyton?'

She presses her lips together. '...I don't know...I don't think he did anything wrong. It was me' She shrugs. 'I don't know why. If I could go back I, I think maybe asking him not to go would be something I'd do but that's with retrospect that neither of us had at the time and him going on that short trip it, it's not the cause of all this' She shakes her head. 'Him not going doesn't mean I wouldn't have still felt all the things I did and behaved the way I...if I could really go back and change something it, it'd be to be content with Sawyer and Roe. Not wanting more' She nods.

'You're allowed to want more' Lucas shakes his head. 'It's ok that you want another one-'

'You were so on board with having another-'

'Of course I was'

'But I think when we, we were trying for Finley you, you wouldn't have gone ahead if I'd not pushed it I...I think if it had been up to you you would have just given up after the time before'

'...Maybe but only because it kills me seeing you go through all of that. I mean I've found all this so hard but I know it's even harder on you. It's not my body that's being put through the mill and that, seeing you go through that' He shakes his head. 'I hate it. That doesn't mean I don't want another one as much as you...that I'm not prepared for us to do everything possible. We can still have-'

'Don't' She cringes and shakes her head.

'But we can! You don't have to accept that Sawyer and Roe are it. If you don't want to go the IVF route we don't have to. There's so many options-'

'I don't want anymore'

'Well that's ridiculous. Don't say something you don't mean-'

'I do mean it' She stares at him hard.

'That doesn't just change Peyton'

'It has' She looks down.

His jaw juts out a little as he regards her. '...or it's just changed about wanting it with me. Is that it?' She rolls her eyes. 'Don't do that. Just tell me I'm wrong'

'In case you hadn't noticed we're not exactly parents of the year right now'

'The kids are fine'

'Their world has been turned upside down. They've had to deal with a million changes'

'Uhuh changes that I've not exactly had a great deal to do with'

'No? You didn't choose to fuck someone else?' Her eyes have predictably narrowed.

'And I am so sorry but I am trying to fix it-'

'And what, I'm just expected to let you back in just because you're sorry? How would I be protecting the girls by doing that?'

'You're the one that keeps going on about how badly this is affecting them! You can decide to make it easier by-'

'By letting you come home? And risk them thinking everything is going back to normal and then you cheat on me again!'

'Don't say that, you know I'm not going to do that!'

'Do I?!'

'Ok' Moira softly interjects, halting the escalating voices. 'We're firing daggers at each other now. You're both holding your hands up for things that you feel you've faltered in which is great but you both seem to keep circling back to the blame game which inevitably ends with anger...I think perhaps a lot of that frustration is wrapped up in your current status and lack there of...is it fair to say you feel as though the answer to all this is simple and you just need to come home and go back to normal Lucas?'

'I know it's not as straight forward as that but yes'

'And Peyton you feel like that's out of the question because you're uncertain about how committed-'

'I'm committed!' Lucas blurts.

'It's not just that this trust has been broken. I, I'm hurt. I don't know how to let go of that and I don't want to play with the girls' emotions anymore than we already have done'

He opens his mouth to object but Moira gets there before him.

'Why don't we try a little experiment'

'Experiment' He sighs.

'Yes. Why don't you both try to spend the next week separated'

'We are separated' Peyton's brow furrows.

'Yes but am I right in assuming that despite Peyton's wishes to separate you've tried to treat her as you would've before Lucas?'

'I've given her space but she's my wife. I can't treat her as anything but that'

'Ok but do you think you could try for just a week? Try to play out the scenario that you're separated legally. That the decision has been finalised. That you're officially divorced. A trial run of sorts. There'll be no discussions or disagreements about how you're intending to move forward. Conversations should be about the children and not each other. Of course you can be friendly but you should try to eliminate pet names, touching etc.'

'I have no interest in doing a trial run of _that_ ' Lucas shakes his head.

'One week. That's all. Maybe you'll both learn things. Because from where I'm sat we've got one person in this relationship who knows what they want and the other person who is yo-yo-ing'

'I'll take yo-yo-ing over divorce any day' He mutters because in actual fact it feels like a win to him; a huge step in the right direction away from the d word.

'I think you need to give this a shot for both of your sakes. Neither one of you has been able to really assess what living without each other would be like'

'Haven't we? I feel like that's what the last year of my life has been like' Lucas disagrees. 'She's been living without me for months'

'But also knows you'll come running at the drop of a hat, knows you're there to comfort her if she needs you. Knows you'd do anything at all. You're still very much in the mindset that you're a couple-'

'We are' He answers tersely.

Moira smiles gently. 'It's hard to make the decision to move forward with an indefinite separation when you've not really given it a proper shot. From my perspective it's clear that you rely on Lucas for more than just the children Peyton. You've separated yourself yes but I think in a sense he's still a huge emotional support for you. Even if it doesn't feel as though you're being that to the extent that you'd like Lucas. Maybe through doing this you'll both come out the other side feeling more able to commit to a plan. And I think that's important for you both now. I think you've both spent long enough in limbo and you need to make a decision as to where this marriage is going'

'And what if at the end of this week she's still saying she wants out?'

'Then I think we need to look at how we help you come to terms with that'

•••

He didn't ask her what she wants. Sets the gin and tonic down before her wordlessly. She wonders what their friends are all thinking because they've seemingly arrived here together despite that not being the case at all and now he's just got her a drink. She's aware in that moment that perhaps Moira's observation isn't altogether inaccurate because she's sure any bystander would assume they're an item right now and just the previous week she's not sure she'd have batted an eye lid at him getting her a drink.

She doesn't say anything. But sometimes saying nothing says a whole lot. 'What did I do?'

'Nothing' She's not keen on making a scene at the best of times but not when it's their friend's Birthday gathering.

'It's not nothing'

'I just, who said I wanted a G & T?' She quietly enquires.

'You don't?' He cocks his head to the side. Squints at her. He's found the last few days long. Has played his part. When he's seen her it's been because of the girls and he's not loitered. Has kept their conversations to the children. Tonight is what he deeps to be a reprieve. A reprieve because they've both been invited to this party and surely he's allowed to have a conversation with her but he's getting the impression that that's apparently off the table. 'You always want a G & T'

'I just mean I, I can get myself a drink Luke'

'I'm well aware. I can't buy you a drink now?'

She swallows. Knows he didn't just buy her a drink because this is her mother-in-law's establishment and he's hardly in the greatest position financially. She wonders how big their tab is on the other side of the bar at this point. Silently adds that to her to do list of IOU's to settle. '...I just'

'You just what? You're just worrying too much about what everyone else thinks is what you're doing' He determines. 'What do you want instead? Prosecco? Vodka lime and soda? I'll drink this and get you-'

'I want the drink' She's shaking her head.

'I know you bloody want the drink that's why I got it for you' He widens his eyes in exasperation.

'Don't get mad at me' She whines.

'Do you want me to stand 6 meters away from you at all times tonight? Is that it?'

'I'm just trying to do what she said' She bites on her bottom lip.

'...I'm sorry' He sighs. 'I'm just...I know I promised' He smiles despite his sad expression. 'I know we're not just talking about me getting you a drink' He acknowledges. 'But you have to understand that it's second nature for me to just, to just always consider you in simple things like getting a bloody drink. I don't think about it'

'I know' She softly answers. '...thank you...for the drink' She takes a sip. '...I'm not having a go at you I just, I'm really trying to focus on what Moira said we should do. On how we, we function as parents and not as...and I know it's not what you want, you've made that more than apparent but you, you promised that you, you'd try to do this...'

'I know. I know' He nods. Takes a swig of his beer. 'I'll try harder'

'...thank you...' She nods to herself. 'So I should' She points across to the bar where a few of her girlfriends are gathered. Gathered talking about her she's sure. 'I, I'm gonna catch up with the Birthday girl and some of the others' He wants to keep her here. Wants to tell her to stop it because she's doing what he's seen her do a thousand times before. She's poorly making an escape route. He's never been on the receiving end of those and he doesn't like it one bit.

'Ok'

•••

'Hey you' Brooke saddles up beside him, elbow nudging him slightly in greeting. 'You alright?' She enquires.

'Yeah. You?' He tries his best to not look miserable. Has been told repeatedly that he's not the best at disguising his mood.

'I'm good' Brooke nods.

'You look nice'

Brooke smiles. 'Don't let your daughter hear you complementing me'

'Sawyer?' His brow furrows in confusion because the child in question isn't even here.

'Uhuh. She gave me a stern telling off earlier'

'Oh?' Lucas cocks his head.

'Uhuh. Apparently she thought I was the one you had an affair with'

'What?' He squints at her. There's so many things in her statement that he doesn't like. 'She said that?'

'Well I think the actual words were. _I don't care if Mum and Dad are split up. Stay away from Dad'_

Lucas's eyes expand. 'She said that?'

'Uhuh, with a full on Peyton Sawyer death glare'

'Peyton Scott' He corrects. 'She's gotten good at those'

'Uhuh'

'What did you say?'

'Well I asked why and she said she knows what I've done and that it was my fault you moved out and they're having to move'

'Shit, I don't know why she's got that in her head'

'I told her we're just friends and she said that's not true. She said she knows the truth. I asked her what that is and she said that she knows that we use to date'

'How does she know that?'

'Apparently Peyton told her'

'Why?' His seeks out his wife as he contemplates why she'd have disclosed what he deems to be unnecessary information for their daughter.

'I don't know something about Riley and her not talking. P was stressing getting ready so I've not mentioned it to her yet but I'm figuring she was using the period we weren't on best terms as an example of how they can mend their friendship'

'And didn't realise that she was making other conclusions' Lucas summarises.

'No. I think I put her right though. She seemed like she believed me. I mean she hugged me at least'

'I'll talk to her too. I'm sorry Brooke'

'No biggy. I mean I'm not a fan of that kid not liking me'

'Welcome to my world'

'She loves you. You guys have been getting on better no?'

'Yeah it's just, it's just not quite there' He sighs.

'She just needs a bit more time'

'Yeah...how does she seem to you?'

'Well she was a little wrapped up with being mad at me so-'

'Not Sawyer. Peyton'

'Oh...' She shrugs. 'Alright. Why?'

'I just wondered how you thought she was'

'I mean' Brooke's eyes skitter around them to locate her best friend. 'When isn't she happy with a gin and...is she drinking Whiskey?' She squints.

'By the looks of it' He grumbles.

'Did you fight?' Brooke wonders because the blonde's choice of beverage seems unusual at best.

'No. I don't know what that's about' He's only just clocked the drink in question. 'I'm not allowed to talk to her tonight'

'I don't understand- you guys have been getting on better from where I'm stood'

'She's not mentioned the trial separation?'

'Trial separation?' Brooke's brow furrows. 'What's been going on up until now if it's not a separation?'

'My point exactly' He mumbles through gritted teeth.

Brooke's stare darts back to him. He's still watching his wife intently. A memory flashes into his mind as she takes a sip of her drink.

 _Her nose turns up in disgust. 'No?'_

 _'No. I wanna like it but I don't' She extends the tumbler back to him._

 _'You wanna like it' He takes a sip of the amber liquid._

 _'Uhuh. It seems like such a cool drink to like'_

 _'A cool drink' He drawls._

 _'Uhuh' She slides onto his lap, her knees bent and resting on the sofa either side of him. 'It's weird'_

 _'What is?'_

 _'I hate it but I like how you taste when you've been drinking it'_

 _He takes another sip. Smirks. 'It's one of the lesser weird things you've ever said' She hits his shoulder. 'Hey careful, you'll make me spill the liquid gold that makes me oh so irrisistable'_

 _'I didn't say that'_

 _'Mmm I might have tweaked it a bit but same sentiment'_

 _'Sure it is' She cackles as she confiscates his drink, leaning back to put it on the floor. His hands clamp around her thighs to aid her balance._

 _'Careful you'll spill it!' He complains._ _'Are you drunk?' He wonders because she's being overly clumsy and heavy handed and he's sure she's just probably spilt half his drink._

 _'Maybe a little' She blinks as she sits back upright, the blood rushing from her head._

 _'How? You've had like one glass of wine'_

 _'And a glass of champagne. That shit goes to my head and I've barely drank since having Sawyer. I just wanna show you how proud I am of you. What's the problem?'_

 _He smiles. 'No problem. And how were you wanting to show me that?'_

 _'Oh I don't know...' Her hand blindly reaches behind her and locates the zip at her back. She takes her time. Hunches her shoulders forward until the straps fall._ _She smiles as he unconsciously licks his lips when the silky blue fabric puddles at her waist. 'Are you too tired?'_

 _His eyes flicker up to her face. He grins. 'I'm never too tired'_

 _'You've had a long day'_

 _'Uhuh. So have you. Thank you. Having you there made it so much easier for me'_

 _'As if I'd have been anywhere else Luke'_

 _'_ _I know you were nervous about leaving her'_

 _'So were you'_

 _'You feel ok?'_

 _'I miss her like crazy'_

 _'Me too'_

 _'But i_ _t was my husband's first ever book launch' She ducks her head. Nuzzles her nose against his. 'I'm so glad your dreams are all coming true Luke'_

 _'Because of you'_

 _'Uh, uh. You wrote it'_

 _'You sent it' He answers. 'You know it wouldn't mean anything right? Not if I didn't have you'_

 _'We're a team'_

 _'Uhuh'_

 _'Fuck how're you so hot?' His hands have coasted up her sides and she leans into his touch as his palm finds her lace bra. She presses herself closer. 'Everyone kept ogling you tonght'_

 _'No they didn't' she kisses his lips. His chin. He tilts his head back as she makes a path down his neck._

 _'Yes. They did. I lost count of how many people told me I have a beautiful wife'_

 _'You're the only person I care about thinking I'm beautiful Luke'_

 _His hands find her face. Urges her head out from hiding in his neck. 'You're so beautiful it actually hurts'_

 _'So dramatic' She shakes her head._

 _'The truth. It's been torture all night. Having to wait to have you alone like this'_

 _'We're alone now and we have a night off of Mummy and Daddy duty'_

 _'Mm. I get you all to myself'_

 _'I'm always yours Luke'_

 _'I know. We've not had as much time as we use to between Sawyer and my book have we?'_

 _'Have I not been giving you enough attention honey?' She tilts her head, her smile teasing._

 _'I was more concerned that I've not been giving you enough attention actually' He murmurs._

 _'You have'_

 _'Not as much as you deserve or I'd like. Whatever I have going on you do know I'm thinking about you all the time right?'_

 _'I know but it is nice to hear you think about me as much as I do you...' He smiles. 'I love you'_

 _'I love you'_

'Moira suggested we trial what it would be like if we were divorced. Basically trial me taking it seriously so she can get a real taste of what me not being her husband would look like'

'Well that sounds kind of reasonable no?'

'...I guess. I'm finding it hard. Shocker. Did you give her that dress?'

'Maybe'

'Can you stop giving her new clothes? It's not doing wonders for my heart'

Brooke smiles. 'Whatever. She could be in a paper bag and you'd still be drawling over her'

He exhales. 'True'

'Is she acting all for it? This little trial'

He squints. 'I don't really know. I mean yes. But at the same time it's hard to know what she's thinking. I keep feeling like I'm taking one step forward with her and then three back'

Brooke nods. '...I really do think she'll come around. She's hurting Luke'

'I know. I know I've gotta do this her way'

'I think you pulling away will help her realise how much she's gonna miss you'

'You really think that?' He enquires.

'Yes' Brooke nods. 'I mean the therapist has a point. She might have kicked you out the house but you've been grovelling on your knees for a good while. You've not once let her think that you'll walk away'

'Because I don't want her to ever think that!'

'But maybe she needs to think that it's an actual possibility. She's figured out she doesn't want to be with another man'

He frowns. 'Thanks to you right?' he snaps.

'I knew she'd never sleep with him'

'You didn't know that' He grumbles.

'Yes I did and you should know that too. You guys might not have had sex in a while but I know she doesn't see herself doing that with anyone but you. She's over there drowning her sorrows'

'Is she?'

'She's drinking Whiskey'

Their eyes trail back to the blonde in question. She's talking to Haley near the bar. Still nursing the drink he wants to confiscate. 'I don't think I can do this'

'Do what?'

'Keep my mouth shut and stay away from her like she, she's no one' He exclaims like it's most obvious.

'Yes you can. It's just a week'

'I'm stood here plotting how I'm going to get that fucking drink out her hand Brooke. She's gonna be ill'

'She's an adult that can make her own choices even if they're shitty choices' Brooke's brow creases as she looks up into his face because he's squinting at the blonde and she knows that look. Knows he's not listening to her. 'Lucas'

He's not listening because the expression on his wife's face has more than garnered his attention. Has his attention because she's looked like that before. On two specific occasions. Both of which she'd then proceeded to faint.

It's like it's happening in slow motion. He watches her drink hit the ground. Watches Haley startle.

His feet carry him toward her. He's never moved so fast. Haley has thrown her own glass to the floor in an effort to stop the blonde beside her careering into the bar. By the time he's beside them she's squat awkwardly on the floor with Peyton's limp form draped over her.

He's oblivious to the bystanders around them. 'Peyton? Peyton!' He meets Haley's wide eyes.

'She, she was just standing there. She...'

He slides his arm beneath his wife's knees, the other beneath her back. Rises back to his full height with her in his arms. She's unresponsive. Her head hanging backward. He can feel her bag hitting his knees as he walks as quickly as he can toward the back of the bar in search of his mother's office.

Haley is still beside him. At some point she holds onto the bag still tangled round her friend's arm. Stops it from causing an unwanted accident and tripping Lucas up. Brooke is on his other side. Her eyes panicked as she stares at Peyton's limp form.

He's aware of his heart thumping in his ears as they leave the hum drum of the bar.

He lowers her onto the floor of his mother's office. Strokes her hair back from her face. 'Peyton' His right hand finds her neck, is trying to locate a pulse.

'She was standing right there next to me and then she just, she collapsed' Haley recounts. 'She was telling me about Roewyn's dance recital that's coming up in a few weeks'

The blonde begins to stir and Lucas suddenly takes a much in needed breath. 'Open your eyes. Look at me' Her lashes flutter as she groggily focuses on the three people standing over her.

'Thank god' Brooke's hand is over her heart. 'Are you ok? What do you feel like?'

Peyton blinks. '...what?...where am...what?' Her brow furrows in confusion.

'You passed out. How much have you drank?' Lucas enquires, is irritated by the fact that he doesn't know when usually he would because usually he'd have been supplying her or she'd be supplying him. Either way it was easy to keep stock of how much they were both consuming. Not tonight.

'I'm ok' She tries to sit up but his hand prevents her from getting far.

Brooke and Haley exchange looks because their friend's expression has gone from terror to relief to anger in the the space of five minutes. 'Luke' Brooke murmurs. 'She-'

'Do not tell me she's ok right now'

He cradles the back of his head in his hands. Peyton catches his eye. 'I-'

'Don't fucking say a word' He warns. 'Just don't'

'Lucas!' Haley is a little taken aback by her best friend's bark.

Peyton attempts to sit again then. 'Stay there' His hand settles firmly on her torso again to keep her horizontal.

'I'm fine' She utters.

'Oh are you? Because you weren't fucking conscious five seconds ago' He snaps. He'd been talking with Brooke a moment ago. He wants to go back to then. Because despite not enjoying the subject of their conversation it had been a whole lot better than the feelings he was currently trying to navigate. 'Can someone call 911 please-'

'No. Don't be ridiculous' Peyton grumbles. 'I'm fine. I'm not going to the hospital'

Brooke and Haley both rise to their feet in unison. 'Why don't we go find Milly?' They decide finding the friend with medical qualifications might be a good compromise.

Lucas nods curtly.

'No don't do that- it's her party-'

'Peyton' Lucas cuts off, his tone a warning. She ceases her endeavours to halt her friends' departure.

Silence engulfs them.

'This stops now!' He growls after a long minute. 'I can't, I can't' He shakes his head wildly. 'What're you doing?! This is because you're not eating! It is. What've you eaten today? You could have hit your head! You could've broken something!'

'Can you stop screaming at me please. Am I allowed to sit up yet?'

'I want Milly to look at you'

'She can' She sighs and closes her eyes. 'Everything is spinning'

He's not surprised. Doesn't tell her so. He's too preoccupied with untangling her arm from the bag still attached to her. His eyes narrow as he notices something in it's contents. A knot instantly forming in his stomach. His stare trails back to her. She's still got her eyes shut. He swallows. Inhales before sliding the pot from her bag and reading the label. Reads it three time before he's speaking.

'How many of these have you taken?' His question has her lashes fluttering opening. Takes in the pot in his hand. Mouth opens and closes. 'What are these?' He asks despite having just sourced the answer. Having read her name on the side. Read exactly what they are but he needs her clarification because he thinks he must be losing his mind. She swallows. 'What. Are. These?' He repeats as he wavers the pot.

'You went through my bag?'

'Answer the question'

'Xanax but you've already read what they are'

His nostrils flare. 'Since the fuck when Peyton?' His voice takes on a tone that she's never been on the receiving end of.

'...a while'

'A while' He nods in mock understanding. '...And you don't think I have a right to know that? That you should've told me?'

'I-'

'No!' He cuts off because despite his questions he's not done. 'That's not fucking ok! I get to know what drugs you're taking! I get to know because I fucking love you. I get to know because you're looking after my children! I may not be that clued up but I'm pretty certain you shouldn't be drinking with these!' She scrambles upright suddenly. 'What're you doing?!'

'I'm gonna be sick' She makes it to the waste paper bin a metre away before she's retching. He's beside her in all of a heartbeat, hands scraping her hair back. His touch the polar opposite to everything it has been in the last 5 minutes.

'G-go' She manages to gruffly get out the one word between retching.

He rolls his eyes in exasperation. 'Don't be ridiculous' He disregards.

'I, I don't want-' She's halted as her body tries to rid the poison in her stomach. 'Seeing this...gross'

'I've seen it all before. You'll feel better when you've got it all out' He promises.

It eventually subsides. He sits down on the floor behind her, cocoons her back against his chest. Urges her head back to rest on him. She takes a shaky breath. He wipes his sleeve along her bottom lip. 'God don't' She mumbles. 'That's gross' Her voice is hoarse, her throat burning. He ignores her because he doesn't have a tissue at hand.

'You done?'

'...I...I think so' Her mascara is smudged around her eyes and she looks up at him blearily. '...I'm so sorry'

His eyes are glossy. He feels like a rug has just been ripped out from beneath his feet. '...What for?'

'Not telling you' She whispers.

'...Why didn't you?'

'...I don't know. Cause I thought I'd not keep taking them. I thought you didn't need to know. I didn't want you to know' her bottom lips is quivering.

He blinks, can hear the anguish in her voice. '...it's ok. It's ok'

'No it's not'

He frowns. 'You shouldn't be drinking with them should you?'

She sniffles. 'Probably not'

'You can't drink on an empty stomach let alone on medication' He berates. She sighs. 'Why're you drinking bloody Whiskey?!'

'I don't know'

'You just passed out Peyton. If that's not your body screaming out in protest what is?'

'I, I'm sorry...it was stupid..'

'Yes' He agrees. 'Fucking stupid and you've done it before haven't you? You were drunk that night you were out with Julian. I've not seen you like that in forever. What if he'd not been a good guy?! What if you'd walked out of there by yourself and collapsed in a ditch somewhere? What if someone had found you? You could've been raped or-'

'Stop' She cringes. 'I'm ok. I'm on the lowest dose. I, I thought I'd stop taking them by now. I don't want to be taking them'

'Well why are you?' He doesn't understand.

She swallows. '...I had a panic attack. I, well I didn't know that was what it was at the time'

'What?...When?'

'...7 months ago'

He swallows thickly. '...where were you?'

'...home'

'That was around when I...'

'...the day you moved out' She mumbles. His face contorts. 'I...I thought it was a one off but it...it happened outside the kids' school and...I was scared so I...I went to the doctors' He rests his forehead against her shoulder. Inhales.

'...and since?'

'What?'

'Since you've been taking them?'

'It's happened a few times...' His hands tighten round her.

'Sweetheart'

She shivers as she exhales shakily. He blindly shifts behind her. Opens the front of his jacket and situates it around her as much as he can.

Milly's entrance takes them both off guard.

'Sorry! Hales just found me. I was out front saying bye to my parents'

Peyton is already shaking her head and shrinking back into his hold. He knows she doesn't want their friend's attention right now but he won't get rid of her.

'Don't be sorry' He shakes his head. 'Sorry, I'd just feel a lot better if you told me she's ok. She's adamant about not going to the ER'

'She is still here' Peyton mumbles. Her eyes flicker to the wastepaper bin as shame and embarrassment is quick to engulf her. 'Really I'm fine Milly, go back to the party, you should be enjoying yourself'

'I am. Nonsense. As if I'd rather be anywhere but making sure you're alright right now. So what happened?' She's squat down on the floor.

'She basically keeled over. Haley was next to her and stopped her from bashing her head. She was out for about I don't know it felt like an eternity but I think it was probably about 60-90 seconds...'

Milly's gentle hands smooth over the blonde's cheek as she urges her to look into her eyes.

'And then she threw up a minute ago...but I think that might be alcohol consumption' He softly mouthes.

'Not deaf' Peyton mumbles. 'Definitely alcohol' She confirms to Milly. 'I'm sorry I'm so gross right now'

Milly laughs softly. 'Only you could look immaculate having just spewed' Milly shakes her head. 'Well the important thing is you didn't bash your head. Did you feel weird before?'

'Just came over dizzy. I feel fine now though'

'What have you eaten today?' Her fingers have located her friend's wrist, her eyes on her own watch as takes the blonde's pulse.

'It's probably that'

'Not much then?'

'I've been busy'

'Peyton' Milly pouts. 'You gotta look after yourself'

'I know'

'...your pulse is normal...I don't want to ask you this question cause it feels horribly insensitive but I'd never forgive myself if I-'

'Milly just ask' Peyton cuts off her concerned friend.

'You're not pregnant are you?' Milly winces. 'It's just if you are I'd say you have to go get checked out properly right away but-'

'Not pregnant' Peyton interrupts.

'Ok...ok' Milly smiles nervously. 'Well, I'd just take it easy. Get some food in you and if you're still feeling weird tomorrow or it happens again you have to go get checked'

'I will'

'You promise?'

'I promise'

'Ok'

'I'm sorry, go back to the party now' Peyton begs.

'Don't be sorry' Milly hesitates.

'I've got her Mill. Thank you and sorry' Lucas hums. Milly rises back to her feet.

'Ok. But come and grab me or call me if you're worried about anything'

'We will'

Peyton sighs as they're left alone. '...Thank you for, for not telling her about the...'

'I bloody should've'

'I'm ok. I promise I'm ok'

'Does Brooke or Moira know?'

'No'

'Peyton' he shakes his head. 'You tell your family and friends this kind of shit'

'I'm dealing with it'

'Clearly' He bleats.

'Can you just, just go find B to take me-'

'I'm taking you home' She sighs. 'Let's sit you over here for a sec' He grunts as he stands, hands sliding beneath her legs and arms.

'Can get up Luke' She hisses at him as he effortlessly carries her across the office.

'Humour me' Sets her down on the sofa. 'I'm just gonna clean this up and then we'll go-'

'No don't I'll-' His finger presses against her lips. 'Shh' Looks into her eyes. 'Lay'

'Not a dog'

'Just do as your told please'

•••

She stumbles a little as she walks through the front door. His hands instinctively slide around her waist. She leans back into his chest.

'You ok?' His thumb sweeps back and forth over her ribs, tries not to linger on how they feel more pronounced that he's accustomed to.

'Why is everything still spinning?'

'Cause you're still drunk' He murmurs. 'Come on' He guides her up the hall and into the kitchen. 'Sit' Sits her down at the table. Her head is quick to lower onto the hard surface.

'This isn't our bed'

'No. It's not' He confirms. 'You're eating something before you sleep' She cranes her head up and looks at him with one eye. He's by the toaster, feeding bread into the device. 'If you're about to argue you can shut that pretty little mouth of yours'

'You're like a school teacher'

'And you're the child?'

She drops her head back to the table top. 'Sadly accurate' She mumbles.

He hears. 'I was teasing'

She twists her head so her ear is pressed against the wood and she can see him. 'I know but I've seemingly regressed to being a fifteen year old...I'm sorry. You should've inflicted me on Brooke'

'You think I'd rather be anywhere else right now?' He's buttering toast now.

She's clumsily trying to get the little buckles on her heels undone with little success when he returns to the table with toast in hand. 'Eat' Demands as he slides the plate before her. Squats and bats her hands away as he takes over the task of removing her shoes.

'That smell always reminds me of-'

'England' He finishes. 'I know. Me too'

'That was a good holiday'

'Uhuh. The best. Eat' He demands again.

She looks down at him and dramatically tears a bit of the bread with her teeth, her eyes wide and a little manic as she looks at him for approval.

'Well done' He patronises. He's freed her sore feet now. Rubs them diligently.

'Ew don't. They're gross'

He ignores her. 'Do they hurt? I feel like you must have twisted at least one of them when you collapsed'

'They're fine' He looks at her dubiously. 'They are' Before slowly setting them on the floor and rising back up to sit in the closest chair. He helps himself to a slice too.

'We're sucking at the divorce trial right now'

'The divorce trial is bullshit but I'm not the one that needs convincing of that'

'...you think I need convincing' She looks at him. He squints at her. She frowns. 'You think this is what I want?' His brow raises. 'Don't look so surprised'

'How can't I? You've issued me with the papers Peyton. What am I meant to think?'

'That I'm angry and a psycho and a bitch'

'Don't you mean a riddle, wrapped up in mystery inside a bitch?' He quips.

'...Apparently I'm still that girl'

'God I hope so' He shifts the last slice of toast in front of her, tries not to dwell on what she's just said. 'Eat the last bit' She does as she's told. '...Why're we doing this experiment if you don't want this?'

'Because Moira said it'll help me know what I want'

'Right. But you know what you want already?'

She stares at him for the longest time. Blinks. Despite throwing up and his attempts of sobering her he can still tell she's not exactly with it. Knows now isn't the best time to be having any conversation. Especially this one.

She's suddenly rising to her feet. 'I want to go to bed'

He's quick to follow because she's not stable in anyway and he's not wrong in thinking she needs supervision on the stairs. She doesn't say anything to him following her. Doesn't say anything to his guiding hands. Doesn't say anything as he sits her on the bed and helps her out of her clothes. Her eyes keep closing and his stomach is still in knots over her health. 'Are you sure you feel ok?'

'I'm kay' He sighs. He's not so convinced. 'Do you still want me?'

'Huh?' He falters in the current task at hand.

'You heard'

He hurriedly directs her arm through the armhole of the t-shirt he's putting on her. 'There's never been a single moment that I don't want you'

'You're not looking at me'

'Because looking at you makes me want to do more than look Sweetheart'

'You were all too happy to look the other week'

'Yes. But I'd not had you in a very long time the other week and this is slightly different circumstances'

'Different because you've come to the conclusion your wife is a royal screw up?'

'Different because my wife collapsed this evening' He corrects. 'There' He murmurs when he's got her completely covered. Lays down and pulls her down with him. Settles his hand just below her breast bone. Her fingers entwine with his. Her expression pensive. 'What're you thinking?'

'...Mr writer hands' She murmurs as she plays with his hands. He gazes at her wedding finger. Can see where her finger still goes in slightly where it's use to having two bands encasing it.

'They've not been doing a great job at that have they?' He admits. She looks up into his face then. 'What?'

'...I didn't know that you're not writing. You never said'

'You never asked'

'...you always...'

'Always?'

'You've never not written. You always say writing is like therapy, is an escape'

'I've been a bit preoccupied...Sometimes I worry my writing got in between us'

'What?' Her brow furrows.

'Well it, you were talking about how you came back here. How you left LA after not really giving it much time. You came home and I got you pregnant'

'We got pregnant. It takes two'

'Yes. I just, I know when we first had Sawyer I was writing a lot cause of the book deal and well that happened a lot didn't it?'

'I don't begrudge your career Luke. You know how proud I am of you'

'Yes but I've been thinking about it a lot. I put myself before you back then. I know in the beginning I asked you whether you wanted to work but I-'

'I didn't want to leave Sawyer. At that time I felt like me having a job meant leaving her and I knew you were living out your dream'

'Yes my dream. Not yours. I should've kept asking you. You illustrating was a happy accident'

'It wasn't an accident. You made it happen'

'I just wish I'd suggested it sooner. Pushed you to do that, to find that sooner. You pushed me to write. Pushed me to do so many things and I...I'm sorry'

'I...no' She shakes her head. 'You're apologising for something that you needn't honey'

'God I miss you saying that'

'What?'

'Honey'

'...What else do you miss?'

'Just holding you whenever I want. Those moments before you fall asleep. I miss you hugging me. You sitting next to me on the sofa and being a leech'

'I'm not a leech'

'Yes. You are. And I miss it'

She slides her leg over his then. '...will you come help me pack up more stuff at the weekend?'

'Of course I will'

'...thank you'

He smiles. 'I like you asking me to do things for you...How're you feeling?' He asks again. Can't not.

'Toast helped'

'Good' He strokes her cheek. Gazes into her large green eyes as he drops his head until their noses graze.

'You're far too close right now. I must have vomit breath'

'No. You don't actually. I can never be too close' He runs the pad of his thumb over her cheekbone.

'Let's not test that theory'

'Do you really think I'd try and fuck you right now Peyton Scott?' He murmurs then.

'No. I'm the most unattractive I've ever been right now-'

'No' He grips her face tighter. 'You and the word unattractive don't go hand in hand sweetheart'

'Debatable'

'It's really not' He rubs her thigh and she arches against him.

'...you can'

'I can' He repeats.

Her leg inches higher around him without any persuasion. He fights the instinct to press her into the mattress and roll on top of her. Knows if he has her beneath him it'll be a slippery slope.

His hands cover hers as they find the waistband of her underwear. 'What're you doing Peyton Scott? They're staying on'

She arches against him again and is suddenly smiling a smile he doesn't like one bit. 'They don't have to'

'Yes. They do' He pins her hip back to the bed to get some necessary space between them.

'You're turning me down right now?'

'No. I'm saying not now. Not, not ever. You're still drunk'

'You've fucked me countless times whilst I'm drunk'

'Uhuh but on none of those occasions had you collapsed an hour previously' He answers. 'Besides. I know you'd not be instigating sex if you were sober right now'

The smile on her lips is lazy. Is alcohol induced and is quick to wane. 'Probably not' She agrees. '...I wouldn't be mad at you though'

'I'm not so convinced' He murmurs. 'Stop that' She's arching her back again. 'Do you know how fucking hard it is not to just let myself have you?'

'You can have me anytime'

He snorts. 'Sure I can'

'Have me'

'Peyton' He scorns. 'Stop'

She sighs. '...I just want...'

Her eyes meet his. He pushes her hair back behind her ear. 'If we fuck you're gonna feel good for a bit but after it's still going to be there and then tomorrow you're going to be confused and upset with yourself. You're already going to be upset with yourself for this whole evening. I can't have you regret this again'

She swallows. '...I didn't regret it'

'Yes you did. How else can "we shouldn't have done that" be interpreted?' He hums. 'Besides...I don't really think you're capable of sex right now'

'...Why am I so messed up?'

He sighs. 'You're not baby'

'Yes. I am. You're just saying that because you love me'

He trails his hand back and forth across her forehead. 'Yes. I love you. I wish you'd have this conversation with me sober'

'I hate myself'

'Don't say that'

'But I do'

He swallows. '...Why?'

'I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm an actual psycho'

'There's nothing wrong with you'

'Yes. There is. Everything is fucked'

'It's not fucked'

'Isn't it?' Her voice quivers. 'I don't like this experiment' She mumbles. She's resuming the conversation they'd been having downstairs.

He smiles. 'Well good because I've been transparent about the fact I have no interest in divorcing you. I'm not going anywhere sweetheart'

'But, but I'm so mad at you and I, just because it's not what I want doesn't mean it's not what we should do' She frowns.

'Ok there's so many things fucked with that statement. You fight for us. You do what you did at 17. You follow your heart. It's as simple as that. It's ok that you're mad. You have every right to be mad. You can be mad until the end of time but I am not signing those fucking papers. I can take anything you throw at me, I'm not signing them'

'...you'll reach a point where you give up and move on'

'Is that what you're waiting for? You're testing me?'

'I'm not testing you. You should move on though because I'm... no good-'

'Stop' He intervenes and shifts further down the bed. 'Why would I give up on my girl? The girl I love? I know you're hurting. You've been unwell sweetheart' He smiles sadly. 'And I hurt you-'

'Why aren't you mad at me?' She cuts in suddenly.

'I have been. I've not screamed horrible things at you over the last year? Or made unreasonable demands? We're both at fault there. But you're not at fault for being hurt and confused. Of course you're confused. Your husband slept with another woman and you're doubting everything. I get that-'

'I wasn't there for you though' She bleats suddenly. 'You needed me'

'God I wish you weren't fucking drunk right now'

'You don't think I mean what I'm saying?'

'I know you mean it' His eyes have gone glassy.

'Why're you crying?'

'Because I did need you' He exhales. 'Look at the fucking screw up I turn into when I don't have you. I'm reckless and stupid and obsessive. Every miscarriage we've had we've held each other. Have gotten through it together and I, I just thought this would be the same'

'...I'm so sorry'

'It's not your fault baby. I know that. I know you so well. I know it was out of your control. I know you've been feeling so dark and unstable'

Her hand coasts over his cheek. A simple touch that he relishes in. '...it's not fair though' She shakes her head. 'I...I feel responsible for, for everything'

'No'

'But I am' She whispers. 'It's my fault we lost him. It's my fault you started gambling because you were trying to fix everything. My fault you fucked her'

'No'

'You just said I stop you from being reckless and stupid. And I wasn't there for you. You're literally saying what I feel Luke. Like if I hadn't gone off the rails all of this would have been avoided'

'You're not to blame for my choices. They're mine and I'm responsible. I fucked up. It kills me that I couldn't help you feel better, that you feel like you can't talk to me' Her bottom lip quivers. 'Why do you feel like you can't talk to me? In our sessions I feel like Moira knows a hell of a lot more about you than I do at times. Like you've clearly told her stuff that you're not telling me'

She swallows thickly. '...it's easier talking to a stranger'

'But why?'

'...I guess cause I, I want to be...'

'What?'

'I don't want to be a mess for you' She whispers. 'And I'm such a mess'

'Baby you're my wife. In sickness and in health. Remember? You're mine and I don't see you as a mess but if that's what you think, you're my mess. My beautiful mess. We're messes together. You don't think I'm a mess? I've gambled away everything. You're moving house because of me'

'...well when you say it like that you are a mess but from where I'm stood you're still...'

'I'm?'

'So strong' She grimaces. 'And you had to be strong for me and the kids because I was being useless and you were feeling shit too-'

'Shh' He coos. 'You know the only time I can ever be strong is if it's for you. Everything is for you. God you've held me up more times than I can count. This was a first for us hey? And I don't think either one of us knew how to handle it'

'...why did he have to die?' He presses his forehead to hers then. Sighs. 'If you tell me he's in a better place right now I'm going to hit you' She mumbles.

He smiles. 'I wouldn't dare. It's not fair. None of it is fair' He nuzzles his nose against hers. 'Please don't pretend like this conversation didn't happen tomorrow'

'...I won't. I promise' She yawns.

He squints at her. 'I don't believe you'

'I promise. Maybe I need to start drinking whiskey before our sessions'

'You're not drinking ever again whilst you're taking medication' He corrects her. 'I mean it' She doesn't say anything. 'You scared me so much tonight'

'I'm sorry'

'Stop saying sorry' He swallows. 'Sorry' Dishes out his own apology. 'I just, I don't want your sorry's I just want to, to know everything. What's with all the secrets?'

'Not exactly one to talk Luke'

'Ok. Ok. That's fair' He concedes. 'But sweetheart I've been honest with you since the day I confessed about Lindsey. I know how shit it felt hiding stuff from you. Surely you feel the same'

'I don't know what's wrong with me! Is that what you want to hear? Because that's the truth! I feel like a psycho. I, one minute I'm crying the next I've got it together and then when everything is going a fraction better I can't breathe! And I don't want you thinking I can't look after the girls-'

'I know you can look after the girls' He's quick to dismiss. 'Sweetheart you're the best Mum. You know I think that'

'Do you?'

'What? Of course!'

'I've been so shit' She gasps out. 'I've shouted at them over things that I shouldn't have. I didn't handle that smoking situation with Sawyer at all well'

'Yes you did. You've not been shit. I watch you ace it every day. You amaze me with how patient you are with them. So you might lose it once in a blue moon. They can be little dicks'

'Don't call them dicks. I'm the dick'

He smiles. 'I'm joking. You know I love them to death. Being a parent is hard though- you show me how to do it 80% of the time. I'm the one you're meant to tell when they're doing your fucking head in. I'm on your side. Always. You're not a dick baby'

'Yes I am. I put the child that isn't even in this world before them-'

'That's not what you did. Not once. Not at any point. I know whatever is going on with you they're always safe because you're incapable of not putting them first' A sob passes her lips most abruptly. 'Baby' He exhales and rubs her back.

'I'm s-sorry'

'Shh. It's ok. Come're' He pulls her onto his chest. He closes his eyes. Holds her tight.

'I'm so sorry'

'It's ok. It's going to be ok'

 **A/N Thank you so much for all the comments on the last chapter! I so appreciate the time you guys take to feedback and give me your opinions. I have the basis of this story lined out and have a clear view of the journey I'm taking them on so** **I try not to read reviews on the previous chapter properly until I'm about to publish the next chapter as I don't like it to influence the current chapter too much!** **I'm feeling a lot of frustration toward Peyton and I find myself wanting to defend her but I'm sure you don't want to hear an in depth analysis of my view of her! That being said please know I'm on both their sides. This is also a AU story and whilst the foundations of their history is taken from the show this has its own universe to an extent too. I know it might feel like they're going round in circles a bit but for me this story is also about being authentic and displaying the true nature of grief, infidelity and mental health issues. I hope you liked the latest** **instalment and felt a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel! Until next time!**


	21. Chapter 21

**TWENTY ONE**

He's been awake for sometime. He's not slept all that much, his mind consumed with the health of the stirring figure beside him. 'Hi you'

She startles a little at his presence. He despises her reaction. It only emphasises how many mornings she's awoken without him being there. She stretches a little before turning onto her side.

'How do you feel?'

She purses her lips together. '...embarrassed' Turns her head further into the pillow.

'Of me?' He moves closer. Kisses the top of her head. 'Don't be stupid' He can't distinguish her next mumbled words. 'Huh?'

'I'm sorry' She comes out of hiding. He hears this time but barely.

He strokes her cheek. Shifts further down the bed so their eyes are more in line. Is silent for a moment as he searches her eyes '...I'm so, so worried about you'

She averts her stare. Brow furrows. '...don't be'

He runs his finger over the crease on her forehead. 'How can't I be?' He softly wonders. 'Sweetheart you're not eating properly. You're having panic attacks. You're drinking whilst taking medication. You're passing out'

'Once-'

'Once is one time too many. I didn't think anything about you having a night out a little while ago. Whilst not thrilled about it, I understood. But now' He shakes his head. 'I've barely slept Peyton'

The way he says her name has her stomach in knots.

'You should've gone home-'

'My home is wherever you are' He cuts off, his tone offhand. He sighs. '..You think I'd ever leave you in such a state?'

He watches her brain change tracks. Knows exactly who she's suddenly thinking about. 'The kids-'

'Are still with Mum-'

'But she'll have been expecting you back-'

'I text her last night and let her know I wouldn't be back'

'So she knows you're here?' Her panic is growing.

'Peyton' He sighs because her concerns hardly seem of importance right now.

'What? God everyone is gonna be talking about me. Did everyone see me faint?'

'Forget about the rest of the world. All you need to be thinking about is you right now. I'm going to book a Doctor's appointment and come with you-'

'No-'

'Yes'

'No I, it's fine-'

'It's not fine. Last night was not fine. You know that'

She swallows. '...I'll stop taking them'

'I'm not telling you to do that' He shakes his head. 'I'm all for you taking them if they're helping you but I want to hear what the Doctor has said to you for myself and you're not drinking with them'

'I know'

'Evidently not'

'I just didn't want everyone asking questions or assuming... something'

'Assuming things like you not drinking could mean you're pregnant?' He's quick to determine the why. Knew the why last night without asking. 'But holding a drink or having just the one would have sufficed if that had been the aim. Whiskey?'

'I don't know ok?' She really doesn't. 'I don't know what I was doing...Are you gonna try and take the girls away from me?'

Her bleated question has his head swivelling back and forth. 'What? Of course not' A silent tear rolls down her cheek. He wipes it away. 'I'd never, never do that. You know I'd never do that. Why're you saying that?'

'I probably seem like a crazy person right now'

'You're not crazy'

'They deserve better than me right now. Look at me Luke'

He sighs. 'You're beautiful and you're the best mother'

'I've not been'

'Peyton' He hums. '...they're not here. They're not here because you asked Mum to babysit. Just like you asked Hales to babysit them on your night out the other week' He exhales. 'You've been so mad at me and yet you've still ensured I get to see them whenever I want. You lied to them for me. And I know if Sawyer hadn't overheard you talking to Nate you still wouldn't have told her anything despite wanting to because you'd never do anything behind my back...you've clearly been feeling so...unlike yourself and yet you still manage to be the best mother' She shakes her head. 'You are...when was the last time you had one of these attacks?'

'...I don't know'

'Don't lie to me' His fingers tilt her chin up. 'Tell me'

Her eyes don't meet his despite his hand '...maybe a few weeks ago' She relents.

'Right...look at me'

She does. 'Can you stop talking to me like I'm five'

'I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to...' his hand drifts across her cheekbone. 'What happens?'

'I...can't breathe. I...I, I start sweating and I...I can't move '

He pushes his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Blinks. '...if it happens again you'll...please call me. Please' He begs.

'...ok'

'You promise?'

'...I promise' He regards her dubiously. 'I promise'

'I hate, _hate_ ' He emphasises. 'That you've been dealing with this by yourself. I hate that I've...' His voice wavers. 'Done this to you'

She closes her eyes. Shakes her head. 'Don't do that. It's not you' She whispers.

'But it is. At least I'm a factor in it'

She sighs and burrows closer to him, head suddenly settling on his chest. It takes him by surprise. A good surprise but a surprise nonetheless. He's not stupid though. Knows she's hiding. She's silent for a long minute. 'I tried to fuck you last night didn't I?' She mumbles.

He threads his fingers through her hair. 'I fought you off' He hums back.

'Sorry. I'm sure that was real attractive. I throw up and then throw myself at you-'

'Shush. You trying to take your clothes off for me is never a bad thing'

She makes a little noise. It's disagreement. He's about to make his case that that is more than true but he's distracted by her touching her face. He knows she's inspecting it for remanence of make up.

'I took it off' He assures her. 'You weren't exactly conscious enough to remember at that point though'

'...thank you. I'm sorry'

'Stop saying sorry'

'But I am Luke' She whispers. 'I basically tell you to stay away from me and then you spend the whole night having to look after me-'

'I didn't have to do anything. I chose. I choose you every time. Will choose you every time'

She exhales shakily. Closes her eyes. Can hear the steady thump of his chest where she's resting her head.

'What did you tell your Mum?'

'The truth. That you'd fainted and I didn't want to leave you alone'

'I don't remember leaving Trek'

'No. I'm not surprised. You remember everything we talked about here though right?'

'...yes'

'Good...I miss this so much'

'What?'

'Just laying with you, holding you, being alone with you. Being us' Her eyes begin to well. She can't help it because she misses it too. Misses his hands running up and down her back. Misses the safety that she's always felt when in his arms. 'Why don't I run you a bath?'

'It's ok' She shakes her head. Feels undeserving of his pandering. Doesn't want to feel the unbearable ache when he's gone later even though she knows it's unavoidable at this point.

'Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast?'

'Luke' She sighs.

'What?'

'Stop'

'Stop what?'

'You know what'

'But why?'

'Because tonight you're not going to be here and I can't...' She exhales heavily.

'I can be here if that's what you want' She doesn't answer. 'Sorry. I get it'

'...I don't think you do'

He smiles. 'I know we see everything differently but I do understand your point of view with the kids. If it was just us it'd be different wouldn't it? You'd let me come back wouldn't you?' She swallows. Fiddles with the fabric that covers his chest. 'Because it'd only be your heart you were putting on the line. Wouldn't it?'

'It's not just us'

'No it's not...'

'You, you don't want a divorce. Right?' He almost begs. 'Right?'

'...no' His exhale is loud. His eyes fill. Arms tighten around her. 'But I don't know how to f-for-g-give y-you or m-my-s-self and we, we can't m-make anything r-right if I c-can't do th-that'

'We're gonna figure it out. We are. I promise. I love you so much. You're my whole world, whole-'

'Please stop'

'Stopping. But it's true...which is why it's killing me watching you hurt yourself' He bravely hums. '...What do I need to do to help you eat better?' She swallows. 'And don't tell me it's not a problem'

'...I don't know'

'But you know it's a problem'

'I-I'm s-sorry' Her sob takes him off guard. He's become so use to her stoic front. Her resolute no's. Her refusal to acknowledge anything is amiss. He'd been hopeful the previous evening. He had but he'd not for a second thought she'd let her guard down like this sans alcohol.

'It's ok. We're gonna get you help ok? I just need you to stop hiding everything from me' She hugs him back. 'If I make a Doctor's appointment for you are you going to refuse to go with me?'

'...I d-don't want to go b-back'

'I know. But please try, for the girls' He knows he's guilting her but can't find it in himself to not use them.

'...o-ok'

He exhales at her reply. Hadn't realised he was waiting with baited breath. Kisses her head. Opens and closes his mouth. Wants to say thank you but he can't because saying thank you is going to result in his voice cracking. Instead he's quick to change the subject. Needs to distract her. Needs her to stop crying. 'It's going to be ok...Did Hales give you my wish box?' His voice is quieter as he endeavours to keep it even.

Her blurred vision tries to focus on the bedside table where the box in question is sat. 'Oh...y-yeah' She sniffles

He'd already determined that his best friend and sister-in-law was responsible for it's presence. He squints at her. 'You've read them?'

She's managed to reign in her tears. Eases back off of him because her nose is running. Runs her hand under her nose before answering. '...maybe' Looks at him. He reaches out. Trails his thumb over her cheekbone.

'All of them?'

Her stare skitters away as she lays back down with her head on the pillow beside him. 'Maybe'

'They're meant to be a secret' He twists onto his side to face her.

'Yes. I'm, I'm sorry. It, it's not like I went and stole them though' She reasons.

'Do sacred rituals not mean anything to people these days?'

She's bemused for a moment. Eyes flutter up to him 'Sacred rituals? You two are lame' Her voice is still shaky but it's teasing nonetheless.

'You're jealous'

'That's what Hales said'

'She's right. She had no right to give you those'

'She was just being her and trying to help'

'Mmm. I've not read them back in forever. I'm sure there are things in there I'd rather you hadn't read'

'Like how much of a horny teenager you were?' She whispers.

He smiles. 'Mm. That among other things'

'...you wanted me so much'

He brushes his knuckles across her flushed cheek. 'Still do. It's never changed. How much I wanted you then is still how much I want you now. I just don't write it on little scraps of paper and put them in that rusty thing in the hopes that some almighty force will make my wishes come true...maybe I should though cause it turns out I'm not so different to that boy. He didn't know he was going to get the girl he wanted' He interlinks their hands together.

'That's part of it though isn't'

'Part of what?'

'The draw. Lusting after someone is always fuelled at least a bit by the unknown. You know everything'

'It doesn't feel like I've known everything over this last year sweetheart and you, you think knowing makes it underwhelming? That kid didn't know what he was missing. I do. And it's more than he ever dreamed of' She closes her eyes. 'Wait, are you saying you're...bored' She grimaces 'of-'

'No' Her eyes open.

'You just said-'

'I was talking about you. Not me. I'm not...I know I didn't... but I wasn't...' She sighs because she knows she's making zero sense. 'It wasn't about you, I've told you it, it wasn't about not being attracted to you. That's not what it was'

'Ok...' He nods because he does know. Not that he hasn't doubted that at times over the last year- especially when she'd first started pulling away. He's had time to quash those fears, to battle them away and be rational. 'Well don't you believe me? Believe that it's still exactly the same for me? The wanting you?'

'...yes but then...then I think about you with her and I doubt every word you've ever said to me' she mumbles.

'...can I tell you about it?' She doesn't say anything. '...I just want you to know that it wasn't some slow-'

'Do you think that makes it better for me?' She frowns. 'It happened. Does it really matter how? If I'd done that with anyone would it really mean a great deal to you how?'

'No and yes. I'd be livid regardless but if you...' He swallows because even speaking hypothetically he feels a rage growing inside of him. '...if you, you let someone undress you. Explore every bit of you. Gave your eyes to someone in the same way that you do me when we're together like that. Let them see everything, gave every bit of yourself away. I, I'd find that harder to get over...Our clothes stayed on-'

'It must've been real tricky to-'

'For the most part our clothes stayed on' He cuts off her sarcastic drawl. 'It was over quickly'

'Must have been beside yourself mustn't you-'

'Nothing about it was about her. Nothing. I was thinking about you. About how I don't want to live my life without you and I was overwhelmed. I felt like I'd lost you that night. I was pretending it was you. I know me being drunk isn't an excuse but if I'd been sober it wouldn't have happened. It wouldn't. I'm always beside myself for wanting you and I'd not had you in months-'

'You don't need to tell me it's my fault-'

'I'm not telling you it's your fault. I'm just trying to explain. I hate that you've got it in your head that I fancy her. I'm trying to explain that it, it wasn't like that. She'd literally been a shoulder to cry on all evening and then I was just, I was fucking stupid. I wanted to feel anything asides from the numbing pain that losing you brings. If I didn't want this with you, if I wasn't committed to you, to us, I wouldn't be here baby. If I wanted out you've given me the open door to be out'

She's silent. '...you gave yourself the open door to be out. You think I would've ever really left you over the money? I was angry and upset and it, you make me feel like I'm the one that's decided to give up on us but you jumped into bed with someone because I yelled some stupid thing about us going on a break because I was hurting' Her voice quivers. 'Because I felt betrayed by the fact you'd not confided in me and I know it, it was my fault you hadn't...I know I hadn't confided in you either but I...you fucking her feels like you, you didn't have faith in us resolving anything and I, I don't understand how after, after years of, of us being us you, you just thought, you just...' She shakes her head.

He grimaces. 'Sweetheart I was screwed up. I'd spent so long feeling so helpless in trying to make things right, make the things I'd done wrong right, helpless in trying to make things better for you and that night when you said you wanted a break I, it felt like you were saying you wanted us to end and it just spiralled out of control for me because you, you'd not been you for a good while...baby the fact that I'm here, doesn't that show you how much unwavering faith I do have in us...yes I freaked out that your feelings had changed for me but I know they haven't. I know they haven't. I'm not going to let your depression fool me into thinking otherwise again. I'm not going to ever stop fighting for us' He squeezes her hands. 'Never'

'...my feelings never changed...it, I was...' She sighs.

'I know. I know. But can't you see how the way we both were it, it was easy for me to feel like they had' She presses her lips together. Can see. And the guilt is back, lodged in the back of her throat. He presses his lips to her forehead. Lets his mouth linger there.

'...What would it say?' Her mumbled question has his lips withdrawing.

'What would what say?'

'If you were to put a wish in that box right now' She's changing the subject.

'I have to wait till next year now or it won't come true. Not that it matters' He grumbles. 'You and Hales have probably ruined the voodoo now'

'Voodoo'

'Voodoo' He confirms.

'That rusty box didn't make any of your wishes come true'

'No?'

'No'

'What did?' She doesn't answer. 'I don't think I could've ever got you if I didn't have some luck and magic on my side'

'...I'm not some unattainable being Luke. I don't like it when you talk like I'm this perfect-'

'You are perfect'

'No. I am not'

'You are to me'

'Everyone is flawed. Me more than most'

'But your flaws make you all the more perfect to me'

'Of course they do' She rolls her eyes.

'They do. My wish now would be the same as the last one. You read that one no?'

'Yes'

'But you meant what filthy things would I wish' He husks.

'No I didn't'

'Yes. You did. And in terms of that it'd be far more R rated than anything written in there from when I was sixteen'

'...you have fantasies that I don't know about'

'Huh?'

'I was boring'

He snorts. 'Baby there's nothing about you that's boring. I've never been unsatisfied with our sex life' She looks at him skeptically. 'Well apart from the last year' He concedes with a small smile. 'Because we haven't had one...you liked it the other week right?'

'I'm not capable of faking it'

'That wasn't the question'

'...yes'

'...Why do you think you stopped wanting me like that?'

'...I just didn't want...sex...not you...I didn't...feel like it'

'But you feel like it now?'

'This exact moment?' She shakes her head.

'I didn't mean right now'

'Right' He smiles because he can see a rosy tint working it's way up her cheeks. 'Of course you didn't, I'm gross and-'

'Not what I meant' He cuts in. 'Can you stop saying you're gross because it kinda pisses me off' He tugs her t-shirt up so he can better see her lace covered ass. 'And completely inaccurate'

'Luke-'

'How is that comfortable right now?' She's got a semi wedgie going on.

'Isn't exactly'

He smiles as he repositions her underwear. 'Better?' She looks at him through her long lashes. 'Look at you being all shy'

'I'm not' She grumbles and pushes the tee back down.

'Hey I was enjoying that view'

'...What're we doing?'

He sighs. 'Laying in bed' He knows that's not the question. 'I hope we're starting a new chapter' He hums. 'Doesn't this feel right to you? Talking to me? Wouldn't you go back to before if we could go back in time?'

'In a heartbeat'

He smiles. 'I know you can't just, just forgive me but you can vow to not give up on us. Can't you do that?' She swallows. Is silent. 'What're you thinking?'

'...that I'm scared to say yes because I don't, I don't wanna give you false hope but I...at the same time it seems like a, a stupid question'

'It does?' He trails the pad of his thumb along her bottom lip. Gazes into her eyes. Her head moves a little in a slight nod of confirmation.

'I already made those vows to you a long time ago Luke' It's barely audible but he hears.

'Please vow it again. Say you're not going to give up' She can't get her mouth to form the exact words he wants. 'You can't give me false hope because I'm never gonna stop hoping no matter what you do or say'

She sighs.

'...You're here in our bed aren't you?' It's not the words he'd demanded but her question is enough.

•••

'Oi you. Aren't you gonna say hi to me?' Lucas hums. He's followed her out into the hall. Has been watching her closely for the last ten minutes. She's been quieter than norm since returning home and has finally tried to make an escape to her beckoning bedroom.

'Hi' She's quick to surrender a greeting, her feet carrying her toward the stairs.

'A proper hi' She rolls her eyes and makes it two steps up the staircase. 'Did you have fun at Nana's?' His question has her sighing.

She glances back. 'Uhuh'

'Hey hold it' Lucas halts her continued ascent to her room.

'What, I've gotta-'

'Lost isn't lost' He smirks at his words. His assumption isn't altogether wrong. She'd been on her way to watch the tv series in question. 'It's not going anywhere, it'll still be there in half an hour' He gets a scowl in answer. 'That death glare might've scared your Aunt Brooke but not me' He declares despite being very much unnerved by the similarity between his wife and child. She startles at his words. 'Yep I heard about your little chat' He nods toward the room that he's scarcely been in in the last year; his study. She trudges down the few steps and wordlessly makes her way into the room as silently requested. 'Why didn't you ask Mummy about me and Brooke?' He wonders as he gently shuts the door. She sighs. Walks over to the bookshelf and busies herself with looking at the hidden treasures that line the shelves. 'Sawyer?'

'I dunno. I didn't want to upset her I guess. She's always upset as it is'

His daughter's observation has him grimacing. 'You believed Aunt Brooke though right?' She looks over her shoulder back at him. He sees a little bit of doubt glimmering in her eyes. Notes how that exact same expression has frequented her mother's face many times over the course of the last six months. 'There's absolutely nothing between me and Brooke. We're just friends'

'You didn't use to be just friends' She counters.

'No. We use to date back in high school but that was for such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things-'

'You always say you knew you loved Mum from the very beginning'

'I did! Jitterbug I did. The thing is, it, love can be overwhelming and confusing and Mummy, to be honest I think Mummy was scared of how she felt for a little while. It was always her for me. Always. The only reason me and your Aunt Brooke got to talking was because I was busy trying to get to know your Mum and-'

'So you date her best friend?' Sawyer rolls her eyes then. 'Boys are so inept'

He smiles. 'Oh they are are they?' He perches on his desk. 'I'd be quite happy if you continue to think so' She twists back toward the shelf. 'I was stupid. I didn't really think I had a shot with Mummy and her not being interested seemed like a given to me. Had I known that wasn't the case I wouldn't have dated Brooke. It just got a little confusing for a moment but we were all kids' He shrugs. 'Things can be confusing when you're young...Me and Brooke will always just be friends. I'd never, never do that to your Mum'

'Just with some other woman' She mutters.

He supposes he walked straight into than one. 'You believe that I'm not dating anyone don't you?' He fears she's worrying he's doing just that. He watches the back of her shoulders shrug.

He slips off the desk then. Make the two paces over to her. 'Honey' Squats down to the floor. 'I'm not dating'

'Mum is' She abruptly announces.

He squints. '...No. She's not'

'Julian is here all the time-'

'She's working with Julian. You know she's working with Julian'

'People can work and date' She crosses her arms.

'Yes. But your Mum isn't' He answers evenly.

'How do you know? You're not here all the time. I'm here all the time-'

'What're you doing?' He interrupts. 'You know your Mum isn't dating anyone'

'Well she is. You can think what you want' She's back to scouring his shelves. Like him she too hasn't been in this room for a good while. Used to gaze at the books in awe and wonder. Still does. Because her Dad wrote a lot of these. Her Mum has illustrated a bunch of them too.

He watches her silently for a moment. 'Honey why're you making things up? I don't think your Mum would feel great about you telling lies about her'

'You just assume I'm lying'

'I'm not assuming' He confidently disagrees. 'I know you're lying'

'How?'

'I just do'

She smiles then. 'No you don't'

'Yes. I do' He shakes his head because he's not sure why he's arguing with a child. 'Your Mum told me she's not seeing anyone' He reluctantly discloses.

'Maybe she doesn't want you to know'

'Well' He sighs. 'I don't think that's likely but ok'

'Ok?' Sawyer's head twists back to regard him then. Her eyes widen.

'What?' Lucas shrugs and sits back in the vacant chair behind him.

'You're ok with her dating someone else?' She exclaims indignantly.

'I know she's not' He can't help but let out an exasperated laugh.

'It's not funny!'

'I'm sorry jitterbug, I just don't know what you're doing. I know your Mum so I already know that she's definitely already assured you that nothing is going on with Julian. Are you trying to make me get into an argument with her? Is that it?'

Sawyer rolls her eyes. 'I don't have to do anything to make that happen' She sniggers.

'We've not been arguing. When did you last hear us argue?' He questions. She shrugs sulkily. He sighs.

'...You stayed here last night' It's not a question. It's a statement.

'Yes. Did Nana tell you that?'

'No. I'm not stupid. Why else would you be here right now. You didn't come back to Nana's'

'Sherlock Holmes in the making-'

'Are you and Mum getting back together?'

They get to the heart of the matter and he falters because he doesn't know how to answer. Just a few months ago he wouldn't have hesitated. Would have given her an assertive yes. Told her he was working on it. That they'd all be back under the same roof soon enough. 'Mummy wasn't feeling well at the party. I bought her back here and didn't want to leave her feeling sick' His answer isn't to the question she just asked and earns him a dubious look.

'...She said she'd tell me if anything was happening with anyone. You're someone' She counters.

'I am someone' He confirms vaguely because he's trying to summon some profound words that'll be both satisfying and not detrimental to her.

'So you're not getting a divorce now?'

'I don't think it's right I talk to you about any of that right now-'

'Why?'

'Because it's tricky-'

'You didn't think it was tricky before. You said you were coming home'

'Right and that was wrong. I don't want to mislead you about anything again. That's why it's tricky'

'...but you, you wouldn't be mad?'

His brow furrows. 'Mad?'

'About her dating?'

He hesitates. '...Er yes I would. Mad doesn't really cover it darling' A glint of a small smile graces her lips for a brief moment. 'But I didn't just say that to you. Come here' He holds his hand out to her. She hesitantly takes it before he tugs her closer.

'...Why did you stay here last night?'

'I told you. She wasn't feeling well-'

'Whatever-'

'Sweetheart I'm not lying. Look I don't want you worrying but she fainted at the party. I bought her back here because I didn't want to leave her alone after that'

'Fainted?'

'Yes' He's not wanting to insight worry but also wants to show her that he's being honest with her. 'She's absolutely fine. She just had a dizzy spell'

'Like when she, she collapsed with...'

'No, not like with the baby' He grimaces because he's already regretting his decision to be honest. Already sure he's just made the wrong parenting choice and he's sure he's made far too many wrong choices in regards to the 11 year old as of late. 'She's fine. I promise. Milly looked her over too so you needn't worry' He hopes the mention of Milly will put any concerns at bay because the child knows she's qualified in medicine.

'...She's ok?'

'Yes, I think she's just been doing too much but you don't need to worry ok?' He sighs.

'...So that's really why you're here?' She clarifies. He doesn't miss the relief that forms in her eyes. Is confused by it because on the one hand she seems satisfied that he's not going to ever be happy about the possibility of her mother dating anyone else but at the same time the prospect of her parents reuniting clearly isn't the joyful union she'd been pining for in previous months.

'That's really why...So me and Mummy getting back together isn't something you want anymore?' He determines. To say he's disheartened would be an understatement because he never thought his daughters would be a hinderance to him getting his wife back. 'It feels like only a second ago you were begging me to come home'

'...I didn't know what you'd done then'

'I know. I know'

'I don't want Mum to get hurt. I want her to be happy'

'Of course you do. That's all I want too, I'm not going to hurt her'

'...You two were just hugging in the kitchen'

He hesitates because he'd not realised she'd caught that. '...Yes. I didn't think you guys had come in yet'

'It was just me. Batman was in the front garden and Nana and Roe were stroking him'

'Right. Why didn't you say hi?'

'Dunno'

'You didn't like us hugging?'

She purses her lips. 'I've not seen you do that...in a long time'

'I guess not'

'I don't like all the lies'

'Noted. No one is lying to you now though honey...I just think me and Mummy don't really have answers for you right now and well, it, it can be easier not to know all the details because then you won't think something is happening and then be disappointed if it's not, like what happened when I told you I'd be moving back very soon right?' She avoids his stare. 'I still love her. So, so much. That's never, ever going to change but sometimes it takes a lot more than a sorry to make things right. Sometimes hearts need time to mend' He's holding both her hands. 'You and Roe are mine and Mummy's whole world. You know that right?'

'...I know...Mum isn't gonna die right?'

'What? Honey! No of course not. Why're you asking that?' He exclaims.

'...I dunno...her Mum died when she was a kid, maybe it, it runs in-'

'Mummy is fine. You don't think that cause I said she fainted right? People faint all the time when they get overheated or have a bit of a bug. It doesn't mean she's really ill'

'I know. I just, I was thinking about it the other day'

'You don't need to think about that'

'Do you think she misses her Mum?'

'Yes'

'I'd miss her so much'

'You don't need to worry about that Sawyer' He shakes his head. 'Ok?'

'...ok'

He rises to his feet. 'I've got a good idea. Do you wanna read my first book?'

'You always say I'm not big enough'

'I know but you've had a lot of questions about mine and Mummy's past lately' He locates a hard back book on the shelf 'I think it might help answer some of those questions and convince you that what was between me and Brooke was just friendship. What do you say?' He extends the copy to her. She gingerly accepts. Has seen said book many a time. Has seen her Mum buy the book a dozen times too, despite there already being numerous copies lying round the house.

'Why does Mum always buy this when it's already here?'

He laughs. Is taken back to a very repetitive conversation.

 _'Seriously sweetheart?' He waves the paperback on the kitchen island._

 _'What?'_

 _'You can stop buying this'_

 _'I can't help it'_

 _'Baby at this rate we're gonna need a whole room just for these'_

 _'I'm proud of you is all'_

 _'And I love that but it's a little weird. Having one lying around is one thing but these are bloody everywhere. I don't want people thinking I love my own book that much'_

 _'You should love it. It's the best. I was thinking I might start making stuff out of them'_

 _'Making stuff. You love it so much that you wanna destroy it'_

 _'Not destroy it! I was thinking a side table or something would be cool'_

 _'We're not having a side table made out of them. Did you not just hear the bit about me not wanting people thinking we're weird?'_

 _'It's not weird' She links her hands around his neck. 'What if it's just my side table?'_

 _'Not happening'_

 _She pouts. 'How is it any different to you framing my drawings? You're always doing shit like that'_

 _'Not the same'_

 _'Is too. You know I'm gonna keep buying them'_

 _'You know it's easy not to. You just don't'_

 _'It's not easy not to. I see it and I get butterflies in my stomach and have to buy it'_

 _'These are shitty paperbacks. You have the best copy published'_

 _'I know, I love the one you gave me but I feel bad for these guys. They're like the underdogs'_

 _'Trust you to feel sorry for a paperback book'_

'I don't think she's done that for a while now' He murmurs.

'She has. She did it a few weeks back when we were in town'

'Oh?'

'Uhuh it's really weird'

'She's weird' Lucas smiles. 'This' He taps the version he's just issued her with. 'This was the first hardback copy published and I gave it to Mummy so look after it. Okay?'

'Okay' She smiles. 'Thanks Dad...I don't...not want you to live with us. I just, I like how things are at the minute cause, cause you and Mum aren't yelling at each other anymore'

'I know. It's ok. I understand'

'You're not mad at me?'

'Never Sawyer'

•••

Haley rubs her belly as she issues him with a tea.

'You're being awfully quiet Hales' He murmurs. 'It's disconcerting'

'I'm waiting for you to start speaking' She sits down on the sofa beside him. 'Is she on her own right now?'

'She's with the girls-'

'By herself? Does she need help? They can come here and-'

'I can look after the girls if that's needed'

'I know you can I'm just, I'm here if you need me'

'We know. She's not incapable of looking after the kids'

'I never said that'

'I know you didn't. I'm just saying'

'What happened last night isn't normal though Luke- I think you should go get her checked out like properly- today. I'll cover any medical expenses-'

'Oh yes, I'll just go grab her and drag her to the hospital. She's not five I can't just make her'

'I felt like you were willing to make her last night'

'I was stressed and upset'

'Yes'

'I don't think forcing her is going to help. It's Peyton'

Haley sighs because her best friend has a point. She knows Peyton Scott won't be doing anything she doesn't want to. 'I'm worried about her!'

'You think I'm not?' He rubs the back of his neck. '...she, I'm _really_ worried about her but I, I think we had a good conversation this morning' He nods.

'Yeah?'

'Yes. It felt different'

'In what way?'

'It felt like she was accepting she needs help. She agreed to come to the Doctors with me at least'

'That's good. That's so good. You coulda led with that' She rolls her eyes.

'Sorry. I managed to get an appointment for next week'

'Right. Well that, that's something at least. Does she feel ok today?'

'I think a bit fragile physically and mentally. I asked Brooke to stay there tonight'

'You just need to ignore her and move back in'

'You think me making demands is gonna make this all go away?' He shakes his head. 'Her concerns about the girls are valid. I realised that today'

'What concerns?'

'Sawyer was upset that I stayed at the house last night. She was clearly confused by what it meant and in not so many words made it known that she'd rather I didn't move back in'

'Sawyer?'

'I was as surprised as you...but I, she goes onto say she prefers it when we're not yelling at each other. They've overheard one too many an argument this year. They've seen and overheard far too many things and I, I think it would be unfair to put them through anymore-'

'But there's no saying it'll be that'

'I need her to feel like she can trust me just as much as I need Peyton to' He nods.

'Peyton wants to be with you. Don't get drawn into the divorce talk. She's just hurting'

'Yes hurting a lot and I, I need to fix that before I start making any demands on our living arrangements'

'And you're not hurting?' He swallows. 'You never think about yourself-'

'Don't make out that she's selfish-'

'I'm not. I'm not. She's not. I know she loves you so, so much and when it comes down to it, even now, I know she'd do anything for you. But you always try and protect everyone. You can tell her how you're feeling'

'I am Hales. I'm working on being honest, I have been honest with her. There, there's been a lot of home truths about a lot of stuff' Haley squints at him. 'Some that, that I'm actually finding quite hard to...' He swallows thickly.

'Luke' Haley edges closer to him. It takes her a fraction longer than usual given the extra weight she's carrying but her hands are soon encasing his.

'She, she's not eating and she's, she's taking pills'

'Pills' Haley frowns.

'You cannot talk about this. Not to her. Not to Brooke. Ok? This is between you and me and if you tell Nate you better get him to bloody keep his mouth shut cause I can't handle her being mad at me for talking to you about this-'

'You're allowed to talk to your friends. She'd not begrudge you that'

'I think this is different'

'I don't. She's barely spoken to me about you guys and I, I know it's because she wanted you to have us because she's had B. Because even when she's hating you there's a little part of her that's actually looking out for you. But I won't say anything. I promise I won't'

He relaxes back into the sofa. '...Xanax' He mumbles after a beat. 'She's been having panic attacks. I only found this out last night' He scrapes his hand through his hair.

Haley licks her lips. '...right'

'...she's meant to be able to talk to me about anything but she, she hasn't. Not any of this' He pinches the bridge of his nose.

'She's told you now'

He swallows. Nods. 'I...I feel like I've done this to her'

'No Luke. Yes maybe your actions might have contributed to some things going on with her but you haven't done this' She shakes her head.

'I'm meant to make it better. Not worse-'

'You can't fix everything all the time. The eating, god that's not a new thing. I know none of us talk about it but she, you don't think we've all noticed how little she eats some times?'

'You have?'

'Luke you're family. Of course we have'

'Sometimes I convince myself I'm overreacting and then Brooke makes a comment and I realise it's not just me and...you've never said anything to me'

Haley shrugs. 'Nor have you'

'It's not like you not to say anything'

'I just, I guess, she can eat normal too can't she? At which point I can see how you convince yourself you're overreacting'

'...this is the worse it's been though. She's always been so small but right now' He shakes his head. 'When I was carrying her dead weight last night' He sighs. 'I feel like Jamie could bloody pick her up at the minute'

'Well he is freakishly strong' Haley murmurs, a wane smile at her lips. '..what does she say when you bring it up?'

'Well there's been many a _you're ridiculous_ but she started crying this morning and there's been a lot of sorry's' Haley's eyes begin to fill. Lucas is quick to note her glassy gaze. 'Don't cry'

'I'm not'

'Sure you're not'

'I can't help it. I'm real emotional at the minute. I cried this morning when Lydie tied her shoe laces'

Lucas smiles. 'She did?' He's not really surprised but it had taken his own children a couple more years before they'd mastered the art of tying bows.

'I dunno that she'll be doing it again because her Mum freaked her out' Haley sighs. 'I just wish we could take away what she's feeling' She's back to talking about Peyton.

He swallows. 'But we can't'

'No' Haley shakes her head. 'And you realising that is huge Luke'

•••

Moira's brow raises. 'Why do you think you haven't mentioned this Peyton?'

'I don't know. I didn't want to talk about it'

'Not talking about it doesn't make it any less real' Lucas hums. 'You pretending you're not having panic attacks hasn't made them go away has it? You pretending you don't have issues with food hasn't made that go away either.'

She presses her hands into her thighs. Blinks. '...I know'

Moira's eyes narrow as she regards Peyton. 'It can be tiring trying to keep up appearances' Peyton swallows. 'Do you think maybe you've been trying to do that?'

'I'm ok. Really I'm ok' She nods. 'I was stupid over the weekend and it...it just...' Her shoulders shrug.

'Sweetheart stop trying to brush it under the rug'

'I'm not'

'No? You're not ok. Moira is here to help you. Us'

'I know'

'Do you think there's any one thing that has triggered the panic attacks?' Moira wonders.

'I don't know. I've, I've not had one in a bit'

'Ok. What happened the last time you did?'

She falls silent.

'She said the first one happened the day I moved out' Lucas reveals.

'Right. Ok. I can imagine that was an overwhelming day?'

Peyton's face contorts. She nods once. '...it, it tends to...to be if I, I'm thinking about...'

'About?'

'Do, doing this alone' Her words falter a little.

'You're not doing anything on your own' Lucas is quick to announce.

'I know' She nods. 'I do know that. I, I know it's irrational'

'You mean alone in looking after the children?' Moira tries to clarify.

'I know he'd never do that. He, he's the best father. He, he'd never leave them but I, I think that, that did scare me at first' She nods.

'Peyton you made me move out. I didn't go voluntarily'

'I know. I know that. But I...you slept with her and I, I think a part of me thought maybe...'

'You thought I was gonna move states to move in with Lindsey five seconds later?'

'...I don't know'

'I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that I'm not interested in her. If I was don't you think I respect you enough to be upfront? What purpose would I have in trying to convince you I love you if I wanted to be with someone else?'

'I know that really'

'Not if you're having panic attacks about it you don't' He disagrees.

'I, my body just...I can't control it'

'And it's when you're thinking about us being separated? When you're thinking about me with her? When you're thinking about raising the girls as a single parent?' Lucas clarifies.

'...that...is the running theme'

He grasps her hands. 'I'm not doing that. You know I'm not. Even in some insane universe that I were interested in anyone but you you know I'd never abandon the girls to start a new life with someone in a different bloody state. I'd still be here co parenting with you.'

'I do know that I just, people do crazy shit. You've done crazy shit Luke-'

'Well that's a kinda crazy that isn't even fathomable'

'This whole year hasn't been fathomable'

'No' He agrees. Desperately draws her hand to his mouth. Leaves a lingering kiss to her palm.

She's self conscious of the watching eyes on them. 'Luke' Exhales his name. It's a plea to stop. It's a plea that reminds him they're not alone. He relinquishes her hand.

'Sorry' Scrapes his hand through his hair. It's an apology to the therapist.

'Why're you sorry?' Moira wonders.

'I just, I find it easy to forget other people are in the room sometimes when I'm with her'

'I won't be offended' Moira smiles. 'Whilst you see Peyton's worries as inconceivable realities can you see perhaps why her mind might have wandered there and created these fears'

'Yes. I, I hate that I've sparked the thoughts she's having and I feel helpless in making them stop, for her to believe me, trust me again'

'I know you'd never leave the girls. I do know that. I do believe you'

'Not just them Peyton. You. And that's the bit I don't think you do believe'

She doesn't answer. Doesn't know the answer.

'Trust and belief comes with time. Comes with actions' Moira voices.

He sighs. 'I know I'm being impatient. I know I erased years of her trust and belief in one single night'

'I didn't say you were being impatient' Moira disagrees. 'I'm just trying to highlight to you both that it can be rebuilt... So you're going to the Doctor's to discuss the medication?'

'Yes' Lucas answers for his mute wife because quite frankly he doesn't want her to have any opportunity to change her mind.

'I think it'll be good to have Lucas there to discuss that. How do you feel about the appointment Peyton?'

Lucas's head swivels back to regard her. Watches her shoulders shrug up and down. '...I guess I'm... concerned cause he's gonna tell them I fainted and it's gonna be a whole thing'

'It is a whole thing sweetheart'

She sighs.

'I think a bigger concern than the medication is the not eating and decision to drink when knowing you're taking meds' Moira expels. 'Can we talk about your appetite some? Do you remember the first time you didn't feel like eating?'

There's an uncomfortable silence for a moment before she breaks. '...When Mum died I think I definitely lost my appetite' Lucas's brow raises because he's never heard her say that before and it makes his heart ache. 'I was, I was just a kid but I remember feeling sick all the time and I just didn't want to eat' She's talking about when she was just nine. A couple of years younger than their eldest daughter. '...maybe when I, I'm upset or stressed maybe I don't eat properly in some weird coping kind of way' Her voice has become very quiet. 'I, I don't think it, it's like a conscious thing...and then at, at the same time it is maybe a bit...it's like...'

'Like?' Moira urges.

'I, I can better control feeling sick or something if I, I just don't eat' He's looked up eating disorders enough times in the past to feel concerned about her use of the word control. He stares at her long and hard. 'You're angry' Her voice wavers.

'...Angry?' He summons, hopes his voice sounds more even than it feels. 'Of course not...How many times have I tried to talk to you about this though sweetheart?'

'...I, I didn't think it was a problem. It's, it's not like I've been trying to, to convince you that I'm ok when I'm not. I'm ok I'm-'

'You're not ok! Do you count?'

'Count'

'Count calories' He tersely clarifies. She swallows. He already feels like he knows the answer. She ducks her head. Her hair falls down to conceal her face. He tucks it back behind her ear. 'You count' He decides.

'No, not really'

'Don't lie. There's been days when I've counted what you're eating because I know you don't get enough. If you're counting you know you're not consuming enough calories' Her bottom lip wobbles. 'I feel like you're contradicting yourself'

'What?'

'You just said it's about controlling not feeling sick, why would that involve you needing to count calories? I don't understand...I've seen pictures of you from when you were a kid. I've known you since we were teens. There's never been a time in your life where you've even been a little chubby-'

'It's not about wanting to be skinny' She's quick to blurt. 'I wish I were curvier. Especially cause I know you'd prefer it if I were-'

'No I wouldn't' He disagrees. 'I don't wish you were anything other than healthy'

'Don't lie'

'I'm not!'

'I saw the way you looked at me whenever I've been pregnant. At the time when you can't really tell but I'm bigger-'

'I'm not allowed to be turned on by knowing you're carrying our child?' He cuts in. 'Of course I am. Watching you change is beautiful but that doesn't mean I don't love you as you are. Not for a second!' His voice is raising. He rubs the back of his neck. Can feel his palms sweating.

'What're you thinking Lucas?' Moira senses he's holding back.

He swallows. Looks at the woman. '...that she's describing an eating disorder right now-'

'No I'm not!' Peyton is quick to disagree. 'I'm not!'

'Peyton you literally just said you purposefully don't eat to control a situation when you're feeling out of control!' Lucas blurts.

'No I didn't! It, it's not like that! You'd know if I had an actual eating disorder. I do eat! You see me eat'

'Hardly right now'

'Now is sort of a unique situation! I didn't think I'd ever be here. I think my stress levels aren't that questionable right now! When I'm stressed I don't feel hungry, or, or feel so sick that I don't want to' She scrapes her hand through her hair. 'Stop shaking your head'

'I can't help it I feel like you, you're lying to me about what you, you're really thinking because you know it's not, not right' Her nostrils flare. He moves closer. Wraps his arm around her. Draws her close. '...you can say anything to me even if you think I'm not going to understand'

Silence.

'...I hate it' She mumbles eventually.

'Hate what?'

'My...my body'

'You're so beautiful Peyton! So beautiful'

'It's never done anything I want it to!' She blurts.

He rubs her back as she shudders. His eyes widen as she's suddenly breathing exaggeratedly. 'Baby shh. Calm down' Her hands claw at her thighs.

He grabs her wrists tight. 'Stop. What're you doing?!'

'I can't...breathe'

He's squatting before her now. 'Look at me' He holds her hands to the seat. Her eyes find his. He takes in her startled expression 'Copy me' he coaches. 'In...out'

'I...'

'In. Out' He repeats.

Moira has migrated to the sofa with a glass of water and sits beside her in the space Lucas had just vacated. 'Try and concentrate on what's in the room Peyton. What can you see?' Lucas thinks the therapist might have lost the plot then. 'Desk, Clock, Shitty art, Shelf, Books, Lucas, Me, Sofa' Moira's voice continues to softly drawl a list of items. Peyton's eyes seek out said objects as the woman beside her repeats them.

Much to Lucas's surprise he can tell this absurd game is helping her calm down, a little bit at least. He stays silent, his thumbs rubbing her hands in encouragement.

'Desk, Clock, Shitty art, Shelf, Books, Lucas, Me, Sofa'

Eventually her breathing steadies.

'Better?' Moira murmurs.

'...yes. Sorry'

'Don't say sorry' Lucas shakes his head.

'Yes. Don't say sorry' Moira agrees with a small smile. 'Do they usually last longer than that?'

'...I don't really know. I don't seem capable of timing it. I think that...the objects...that helped' She mumbles.

'Well we can talk about other methods to help you when you're feeling like that too. I know it might seem silly but making a list of things we can see and repeating it over and over is a way to get our brain to switch tracks'

'...ok'

'...It's not your fault Peyton' Lucas bleats suddenly. He's concerned his words will spark her to return to the state she was just in but he can't help himself. 'He's not here because of bad fucking luck. Not because of your body. Your body gave us Sawyer and Roewyn'

She nods. '...I know'

'And as for what I think about your body?! You're beautiful'

She sniffles. '...Stop'

'You are though!' He looks at Moira. 'Isn't she?'

Moira smiles. 'I happen to agree but if Peyton isn't feeling that way then we need to help her try and navigate the animosity she seems to have towards herself' His head bobs vigorously. His eyes have gone glassy. 'You ok Lucas?'

'Yeah I just...' He looks down. 'I'm fine' His head jerks back up after a beat. 'How about a meal plan?' He proposes. 'I'll do it and you can just-'

'Luke-' she cringes.

'Actually scrap that, I'll just deliver your meals. Me not being there to cook hasn't probably helped has it?'

'I can cook a meal despite what you think' She mumbles.

'I know you can but me doing it will take away the stress of you thinking about it' She presses her lips together. Her silence probes him to continue. 'And it'll be good for the girls. For us to spend family time together. Whatever is happening with us that'll be good for them. Especially Sawyer, I need her to remember that you and me can be in the same room together and not argue'

'Maybe you could give it a go for just one evening and then if you feel like it's something you'd like to do you can start by doing it just once a week?' Moira proposes. Peyton exhales. 'What're you thinking Peyton?'

'That I don't like feeling like a burden-'

'You're not!' Lucas is quick to interrupt. 'God you're not-'

'I don't want to be dependant-'

'You're not. You've always been painfully independent'

'Painfully'

'Yes. It upsets me when you don't lean on me. I know I always want to fix everything and sometimes I need to just, not do that but I don't think it's wrong for me to want to be leaned on. To want to look after my wife. I lean on you all the time'

'For what?'

'Why're you shaking your head? I bloody do. You don't even know you're doing it. Sweetheart you're the reason I have a career-'

'Don't do that. You're the only one that deserves credit for what you've achieved'

He smiles. 'And whilst you thinking that is sweet it's not true. You're in every word I write. You're on my case when I'm floundering, you inspire me, you look after my children. You look after me'

'...You've never told me about anything big that's going on with you. Unless it's been something good-'

'That's not true'

'Yes it is. You didn't tell me when you figured out Dan killed Keith-'

'Oh come on that was forever ago. We were kids!-'

'The book not doing well for. You didn't confide in me about that- you lied about it. You didn't confide in me back when Dan was being released from jail- I found out from Haley-'

'You'd just had a miscarriage Peyton I didn't want-'

'Exactly, you don't lean on me because you think I'm too fragile and can't handle anything and apparently you're right'

'You're so wrong' He disagrees. 'You're the bloody strongest person I know! I might not have told you stuff sometimes but that's because just being with you helps me. You don't have to say anything'

'Well maybe I want to!' She bleats. Her outburst silences him for a moment. '...you think it's romantic but sometimes it, it's suffocating and it, it pisses me off'

He looks pensive. '...ok'

'I never asked to be put first all the fucking time and then I feel fucking guilty for putting anything on you!'

He frowns. Swallows. '...I'm sorry'

'No. Don't say you're sorry. See I'm just the bitch that's continually mad at you for being sweet'

He smiles at that. 'No. I hear what you're saying and it, it's not insane ok? I get upset when you don't tell me what you're thinking so of course you get upset when I'm not telling you stuff' She looks at him. Blinks. '...I'm upset right now' He nods. 'I'm upset cause I don't, I don't understand how you feel the way you feel about yourself when I see you, your body...' His hands settle on her thighs. 'I'm so grateful for your body for so many reasons' She swallows. 'Please...please let me cook one meal. It's not a big deal is it?' She sniffles. Sighs shakily. 'And if it makes it worse. Or you get mad at me or whatever, then, well then we don't have to do it again...please'

'...ok'

'Yeah?'

'For the girls'

'You acknowledging that something is for you and not the girls isn't a bad thing Peyton' Moira hums. 'You don't need to feel guilty for putting yourself first sometimes. Your needs are as important as theirs and dismissing them isn't good for them'

'...I know. I, I've made so many mistakes with them lately'

'Parenting is hard work. We're all learning on the job. You grow with your kids. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. Kids and adults alike...It feels like you're both seeing each others perspectives a whole lot clearer from where I'm sat today' Moira hums. 'Did you two trialling a divorce this week in the way we discussed not really happen?'

Peyton looks down. '...no. That was my fault' She murmurs.

'But you've decided we're not doing that haven't you?' Lucas is quick to question.

'You've had a change of heart over divorce?' Moira questions.

'Not a change of heart-'

'Peyton-' Lucas tries to interrupt.

'Because wanting and thinking something is right is two different things' She carries on. '...You think I've ever wanted a divorce? I just...I don't see how we're gonna...' She claws her hands through her hair. 'I can forget every now and again and then I, I find myself wanting to hurl a plate at his head' She confides.

'You can throw as many plates at my head as you like' He teases.

She sighs. '...and then I feel guilty because I know it's not all his fault' She swallows. '...but if, if I can't, can't let it go how is, is that going to be nice for him or me or the girls?'

'As I've said, trust can be rebuilt. Relationships can be mended' Lucas's head nods enthusiastically with Moira's words. 'If you're committed you can come back from this. There are fundamental issues that have led you both here' Peyton's nostrils flare. 'But from my point of view you both still have a great deal of love for one another. You've both been grieving. You've both been dealing with your individual issues alone. I'm not here to tell you what you should and shouldn't do but if I'd seen evidence that this marriage was beyond fixing I'd most definitely be advising you of ways to navigate separation'

'Luke' Peyton murmurs because his bobbing head is making her feel dizzy.

'Sorry I just, I agree'

'I know you do'

'There's no harm in trying. You think that too. You're sat here' Lucas asserts.

'I'm sat here' She nods.

'...you seem hesitant to verbally agree to anything Peyton' Moira observes.

'I know what he's like, I know how he'll get'

'I'm not gonna pressure you to do anything'

'Putting your heart into this and saying you want to try and fix this doesn't mean you're not entitled to change your mind at any given moment. It does not mean to say you can't switch roads at any point' Moira counters.

'...I don't want to give him false hope'

'I told you already. There's no such thing as false hope right now Sweetheart. You giving me any semblance of hope is hope. And I'll take it'

•••

'Daddy! Nana!' Roewyn catapults at both of them in turn.

'Hey my favourite seven year old' Karen chants.

'I'm the only seven year old you know Nana' Roewyn informs her.

'Still my favourite. Where's Mummy?'

'She's just needing 5 minutes' She waves her fingers dramatically. 'That's all. 5. Is that too much to ask?'

Karen laughs because she expects the child has just been told such. 'I don't think so. Do you?'

'I guess. I only wanted to show her my new dance I made up'

'And what was she doing at the time?'

'Putting clothes on'

Karen smiles knowingly. 'What about your sister?'

'She's making cookies even though Mummy said she's not allowed cause she's gonna make a mess and we're not meant to be doing that today'

'I'm gonna go check on that then' Karen decides.

Lucas lifts up his youngest child as his mother disappears. Is sure to make an exaggerated noise as he heaves her up. 'God you're getting heavy'

'Uhuh. I'm strong'

'Yep' Lucas kisses her. 'And awfully cute right now'

'Why is it awful?'

'It's not awful' He smiles 'It's just one of those things. You know when something is so cute you wanna cry?'

'Like that cute puppy that you wouldn't let us have' She sticks her lips out.

Lucas ignores her. 'Got you a kitten instead didn't I?' He sets her back down on the ground. She's quick to lean against him, big eyes staring up at him like butter wouldn't melt.

'Uhuh. Batman needs Robin though Daddy'

'Don't push your luck Roe Boat'

'Why're you here?'

'I'm gonna help Mummy pack some things up'

'Cause we're moving?'

'Uhuh'

'I'm gonna have a new room and you know what Mummy is gonna paint on the wall?'

'What's that?'

'A T-rex. But a friendly one'

'Wow'

'Uhuh. And a rainbow'

'Sounds amazing Roe-boat'

'Uhuh'

'You wanna go and see Nana and Sawyer whilst I go say hi to your Mum?'

'I dunno if that's a good idea Daddy. She's a bit t-rexy today'

He laughs. 'Thanks for the warning. I think I'm quite well trained with Dinos'

'You are?'

'Uhuh. One of my many specialities'

'She might bite though Daddy' Roewyn grins as she's quick to get engrossed in a game of make believe.

Lucas smirks. 'She has been known to. Don't worry I know the secret of keeping her calm'

'You do?'

'Uhuh. Wanna know?'

'Uhuh'

He bends over and cups his hand against her ear. 'You just do this' He hesitates before roaring loudly. She shrieks in surprise and then giggles in delight as he tickles her sides.

'Daddy!' She's soon on the floor. 'Stop!' He does. She smiles up at him. 'I..don't think...that's gonna keep...the Dinosaur calm Daddy' She breathes.

'No maybe not. But see you're worn out now and smiling no?...come on' Holds his hands out to her. 'Come on' Pulls her up off the ground. 'You go find Nana'

•••

'Knock knock'

'Isn't knock knock when you're already opening the door Luke' She's laying on the bed 'Just like your daughter'

He smiles because her arms and legs are spread wide. 'You look like a starfish'

She's quick to rectify that. Sits up. 'Is it the end of the day yet?'

'Not quite' He smiles. 'Alright?'

'Yeah' She paints on a smile. 'Sorry. Just taking a minute'

'Tough morning?'

She sighs. Pouts as she rises off the bed. 'Do I look that shit right now?'

'No' He laughs. 'Much the opposite. Roewyn just warned me you might be a bit t-rexy'

'T-rexy' She repeats. Glares. 'Bloody child has been doing pirouettes around me whilst I pee and try and shower and then Sawyer's asking to bloody bake-'

'Yeah think Mum might be trying to reign that one in'

'She's not down there baking'

'Erm. Word on the street is yes'

'Why don't they listen to me?!'

'Cause they're annoying?' He suggests. 'I'm sorry' He's within reach of her now. His arms encase her before she can flee. She stiffens but doesn't try to make an escape.

'I'm not a t-rex' Mumbles.

'No. You're really not. More like a Ceratops if we're going prehistoric' Her head cranes away from his smothering hold. 'Oh come on Cera is so cute in Land before time' He answers her glare.

'The anti-heroine, bullheaded one'

'Well yeah but Little Foot got through to her no? Then they were best of friends in the end. She was just scared to begin with'

She rolls her eyes. 'And let me guess. You're Little Foot right?'

'He is adorable. You've said so many a time' He smirks.

'Dickhead'

'Yep yep yep'

She smiles. 'Now Ducky is so cute'

'So cute' He confirms. 'We need to watch it again. Have we shown Roe it before?'

'I don't know that we have- we watched it with Sawyer'

'Yeah. And she was horribly unimpressed'

'She was going through the Grinch and only the Grinch stage'

'When it was Christmas for 365 days straight' He laughs because he'd watched said film enough to last a lifetime in the year in question.

'Roe is all about the Dinos right now'

'Yeah. She'd love it...So I actually came up here to tell you that Mum is gonna take the girls out of our hair for a bit so we can get more packing done'

'Really? That would be amazing. I feel like there's shit everywhere and I just keep moving things from one side of a room to another' She hits his chest because he's smiling a smile that is all amusement. 'That wasn't an admission that I'm shit at packing'

'Sure it wasn't. How you feeling today asides from the gremlin children?'

'Okay'

'Okay'

'How're you feeling today?' She retorts.

'I'm wishing I'd got here an hour ago so you didn't have to deal with them two by yourself. I'm feeling sad about packing everything up. Sort of dreading it to be honest'

'...you don't have to help'

'That's not what I was saying. I want to help. It's just sad too you know?'

'I know'

'This room has a lot of wonderful memories'

'...yeah'

'They out weigh any bad right?'

'Of course they do but some times the bad lingers more than the good'

'Yeah...I see you laying down there covered in blood a lot'

'You do?'

'...yes. That was the scariest day of my life Peyton. I thought I might lose you' He strokes her cheek. She lets her head rest in his hand for a minute as she looks up at him.

'...we should go help your Mum'

'Yeah' His fingers reluctantly withdraw. She looks down. His eyes follow. Gets a glimpse of something glistening around her neck. Eyebrow raises. He wants to yank her back before him and reach inside her dress to see if what has caught is eye is what he thinks it is. Doesn't though because his Mother and children are downstairs and she's right. They should go relieve her. But mostly he'd rather be completely alone with her to properly investigate.

•••

'You're not exactly being the helping hand I envisioned right now' She looks at him through narrowed eyes because it sort of feels like he's been shadowing her since his mother and their children left some forty minutes ago.

'I'm helping'

'At the pace of a tortoise' She's holding a box of crockery and walks cautiously toward the small utility room. He follows. 'Why're you following me around like a headless chicken?' She enquires. He doesn't answer. 'This is meant to be your jam no? Mr I'm the best at packing. You're not helping' She sets the box down on the side. Notes the tumble dryer has stopped. Opens the door and begins to fold items.

'You know what you said to me last week?'

'We've had many a conversation in the last week' He grimaces at the way she's folding a pair of Roewyn's pyjamas. Wants to refold them properly because she's done it all wrong. They've already been placed in the laundry basket before her though. 'What one are you referring to?' She tilts her head to him.

'The one' He takes a step closer to her. 'Where' Another step. 'you said I could' Her eyebrow kinks as he confiscates one of Sawyer's shirts. Discards it on the side and pushes the laundry basket to the back of the counter.

'Luke-'

'Have you anytime I want' He drawls. She swallows. He's caught her off guard. Her head twists away from him, hands reaching for the basket. 'Don't' He grabs her wrist and jerks her round to face him.

'Luke!' She exclaims.

'I want you'

'I've gotta-'

'Peyton' He walks her the two steps backward until she's flush against the wall. She swallows. 'I. Want. You' She opens her mouth but he's quick to speak because he doesn't want to hear a no pass her lips. 'You're wearing them' He murmurs.

'What?'

He smiles at the rosy tint that's working its way up her cheeks. One of his hands drift to the open collar of her shirt dress. Finds the fine chain that's sat there. Pulls it free. Holds her wedding band and engagement ring up. Holds up what has him in such a fluster. Has had him in a fluster for the last hour.

'They were on my dresser. I didn't want them getting lost in some box' He smiles at that. 'Your Mum will probably be back in a minute with the girls-'

'No she won't. She's trying to keep them out of our hair for a couple of hours isn't she? Besides you know Roewyn will be hard work tearing away from the swings' He disagrees. 'And Mum is a push over. They're gonna be a while. These could go back on your hand you know' She doesn't say anything. 'No hurry. Whenever you want' He shakes his head. 'They can stay here until you're ready' He tucks the chain back into her dress. 'That's sexy as fuck'

'What is?' She quirks an eyebrow as she looks back up at him.

'The thought of you in nothing with those hanging round your neck' He nuzzles his nose against hers.

She inhales. 'You get turned on by the smallest thing'

'Not small' He presses his forehead to hers. 'The thing that symbolises our vows to each other sitting next to your heart, come on that's beautiful baby' She gasps as he cups his hand against her most abruptly.

'Luke I'm...' Swallows '...packing. And you're meant to be h-helping' She breathily declares as she grips his wrist.

'I am helping' He nods. 'I'm de-stressing you' He leaves a chaste kiss to her lips. 'Did you not mean it?'

'Mean what?'

'Before. When you said I could have you whenever I want'

She licks her lips. 'I was drunk'

'But you remember saying it'

'...Yes'

'And you meant it?' Her eyes find his intense stare. She takes a shaky breath. He smiles. 'Hm?' Brushes her hair back behind her ear with his free hand. Her mouth opens wide as he presses his finger hard against her. 'Hm?' She gasps. He smirks. Tilts his head. 'Hm?'

'...yes'

A noise sounds in the back of his throat as he slides his tongue into her mouth then. It's need. It's relief. It's long awaited contact. Because not kissing her like this every single day is like he's being deprived of air. She's not trying to escape. Something he'd sort of been anticipating because despite what he deems to be their significant progress in the last week he still knows she's having an internal battle with herself on a daily basis. He presses her into the wall, lets his body find its rightful place; cocooning her. He's always marvelled at the way their bodies seem to go together like a jigsaw puzzle. She's always called him sappy for it but he says it's just true. He thinks it's more true now than it's ever been. Feels as though he's master of her body as she arches herself against him. His forehead is pressed to hers now. His eyes gazing into hers as he lets her catch her breath. He doesn't say anything. Presses his lips to hers in a sweet closed mouth kiss and smiles before lowering to his knees.

'What're you doing?' She's dazed and confused by this attack.

'What I want' He answers simply.

She shakes her head. 'This is hardly the time Luke' His hands close around her hips and keep her caged where she is.

'Uh uh. Stay' He tuts. 'Moira thinks I put your wants before my own 24/7' Her eyebrow shoots up at the mention of their therapist. 'Apparently I should put mine first sometimes' He presses his nose to her crotch then. She gasps. Fingers grapple at his shoulders.

'Lucas!'

He smirks at the way her voice wavers. He inhales loudly as he drives his face further into her dress. Smirks as it has her involuntarily arching. 'Putting mine first shows you how much I want you' His voice is muffled but she hears. Swallows as he rocks his nose against her. 'It's good for the both of us. When I put you first so much you unconsciously hide your feelings so I don't take on anything bad you're feeling' His hands creep beneath her dress. Glide up her legs. She blinks. 'Because I'll inevitably try and fix it and I can't fix everything. Not when it comes to your emotions. I can only be here' He eases back a little. Looks up at her. 'Sometimes not fixing it and just telling you I'm here for you is what you need' He pulls her underwear down. She bends away from the wall to assist him. 'Right?'

Her heart is racing wildly. She licks her lips as he lifts her right foot to remove the fabric around her ankle. 'Is that what Moira said?'

'No. Well we talked about it a lot and I came to those conclusions. Am I wrong?'

She contemplates his question. 'I've never really thought...You can't stop someone feeling something they're feeling'

'No. I kept trying to make your feelings disappear which was impossible. To the point where you just shut me out'

'You were just trying to make me feel better' She acknowledges. She strokes her hand through his hair. 'Come on, get up'

He smiles. 'Nope. I told you, I'm practicing doing what _I_ want'

She exhales shakily. 'You going down on me is still putting me first Luke' She rolls her eyes because she thinks only he could possibly regard _this_ as putting himself first.

'That's a matter of opinion'

'Most guys would be pushing me to my knees-'

'I'm not most guys am I? I'm your husband. This is what I want right now baby' She inhales sharply as he lifts her left leg and drapes it over his shoulder. Smirks as he looks up into her flushed face.

'Why?'

'Cause you're beautiful and I want to show you'

'I'm gross right now' She mumbles, her head shaking. 'I'm all dusty and sweaty and-' Her words die as he hoists the fabric of her dress up.

'Hold' Her fingers hesitantly claw into the fabric. Her eyes wide as she gazes down at him. 'What did I tell you about saying that? You've never been gross in your life Peyton Scott. You're so beautiful' Her brow furrows. She disagrees but she loses her ability to speak when he turns his face into her thigh, nuzzles. He's not clean shaven and the feeling reminds her of her early 20s. Is reminded of a period when he decided facial hair was his thing. He'd swiftly given it up because it turns out her skin wasn't the biggest fan. He presses his lips to her skin. Opens his mouth. Sucks. Hard. Feels her shudder. Feels the material of her dress settle a little on his head as her fingers splay against the wall behind her most abruptly. He wants those hands in his hair. He blindly pushes the obstructing skirt to the wall as he navigates a path to where she's aching for him. Delights at the way her hips jerk forward, coaxing him there. Delights at the way she inhales sharply as his tongue reaches its destination and glides over her. Knows she's biting her lip to stop the whimper that's stuck in the back of her throat. He digs his hand into her backside, entices the desired noise from her.

She'd always been vocal about how good he was at this. How she didn't understand how he seemingly knew her body better than she did. He was pretty sure she'd blocked out the beginning of their sexual relationship. Knew he hadn't known what he was doing to begin with. Knew it was something he'd perfected with time and practice. He'd enjoyed perfecting the art. Enjoyed learning how to summon all sorts of different noises from her.

He drowns in those noises. Has long been deaf to what he deems to be the best sound ever.

He finds her right hand and blindly directs it to his head. Her fingers are quick to claw into his hair.

Her mind feels like it's gone to mush. She'd come in here to do something. She can't remember what. It wasn't this though. This hadn't been on the agenda and that alone is thrilling. She doesn't want this to be something that's scheduled. She never wanted that. Isn't sure how it became that.

'Fuck' She gasps out, head rocking back against the wall.

Her thigh is suddenly pressing against his ear and he knows she's close. Knows because she's struggling to hold herself up and seems to be sliding down the wall. His hands slip around her to help keep her upright as she loses herself to the feelings he's summoning. The only thing he'd never been a fan of when it came to this was how he couldn't see her face as she fell apart. He'd begged her on multiple occasions to let him film her so he could look back at it. She'd not been as enthusiastic about how wonderful a plan it was. Not to say she'd not let him do so a couple of times under the condition it was deleted after because she couldn't have that falling into anyone else's hands. He wishes he still had said videos. Her face was somehow different to when he made her fall apart in other ways. He couldn't pin point what it was.

Her fingers suddenly knot tight in his hair as she finds what she's chasing. An irrepressible yelp sounds in the back of her throat. She shudders almost violently. Gasps.

His thumb draws a circle at the top of her leg as he eases back and kisses the apex of her thigh. Soothes the redness that's forming there. Hopes his unshaven face doesn't irritate her skin too badly as it has in the past.

She's shaky. He gently shifts her leg off of his shoulder before guiding her down into his lap. Her legs scissor around him as she collapses on him. Her head settles in the crook of his neck as she works on steadying her breathing. He basks in having her curled around him. In their intimate position. In the way her body is resting completely against him.

'Ok?' He kisses the top of her head.

'...yeah' her voice is hoarse. 'No. I don't know' He rubs her back. Smiles at her nonsensical mutterings.

'I think you'll survive. I've missed doing that' He husks. She's missed him doing it. Hadn't known how much. She doesn't say so though. 'So much. Did you know that?'

She exhales. '...I came in here to get something' Mumbles instead. He smirks, tilts her head up from hiding and draws her mouth to his. Kisses her languidly. Delights in the way she kisses him back. Delights in the little whimper that sounds in the back of her throat as he presses her against his straining jeans.

'I think you found it baby' His voice is a deep husk. She blinks. It takes her a moment to realise his words are in answer to the last thing she'd said. Hits him lightly. He laughs. '...I've not though' She bites her lip. 'God I love it when you do that'

'Do what?' She whispers, large green eyes looking into his face.

'Bite your lip'

'I don't know I'm doing it'

'I know you don't. You only do it for me' She purposefully bites her lip then. He smiles. 'So fucking sexy'

She averts her eyes because the look he's giving her has her wanting to kiss him but she's not going to be the one to initiate that. Can't bring herself to be the one to do it. Her stare trails down to where his thumb is circling the bruising skin on her thigh.

'You did that on purpose'

'Uhuh' He agrees and joins her in regarding the mark. 'I miss my legs'

'Your legs?' She repeats, narrowed eyes looking back into his face.

'Uhuh' He rubs her thighs a little harder. 'My legs. Look at how perfect they are'

'...why'd you just do that?'

He shrugs. 'Are you mad?' He's speaking of the bruising mark. Knows he's got in trouble on countless occasions for leaving love bites in places that can be seen. He'd assumed the location of this one wouldn't incite her irritation.

'Not that...' She dismisses. 'Why'd you...?'

'I told you. Cause I wanted to. Cause I saw these' He's found the rings hanging around her neck again.

She swallows. '...you lost your shit that day' She recalls how he'd gone wild when he'd seen her wedding finger bare. Recalls how she'd all but thrown them off during a hysterical episode alone in the bathroom one day.

'Of course I did' He knows what day she's referring to.

'I didn't think you were going to let me leave your Mum's office'

'I didn't want to. I still lose my shit every time I look at your hand. I just don't barricade you in offices and scream at you about it. Progress huh?' His hand drifts up to her torso and rests on her chest.

'Kinda barricaded me in a room just now'

He smirks. 'Didn't scream at you though did I? You wearing it here makes me feel a lot better...will you keep them there at least?' She hesitates. 'Forget that. Don't answer. No pressure' He smiles. It falters as he lets his hand trail over her collarbone. It's more pronounced than usual.

He doesn't need to say what he's thinking. She knows. He knows she knows. Because she stiffens. 'I should-'

'No' His hands clamp down on her because she's about to flee. He shakes his head. Takes her hand and guides it to his crotch. Eyes stay locked with hers. 'Not yet' He nuzzles his nose against hers. His fingers press against hers as he coaxes her touch, guides her until she takes the hint. He lets out a noise when her fingers move against him in a way that they haven't in forever. 'Fuck' His hand falls away from hers. His twitching digits in a quandary over where to go; undress her or her ass. Her question cuts off his silent dilemma.

'What do you want?' She knows what he wants but her question is a distraction for herself because she needs him to talk. Hopes him talking will erase the vision that's just invaded her mind. The vision of a mousy haired girl straddling him in much the same way she is now. Of him looking at his once editor like he's looking at her right now.

He smiles because her question is a sign that she's willing and god does he want her in every possible way right now. Wants her hand to unbuckle his belt, to ease into his jeans. Wants to see her make that face she always does when her fingers wrap around him. 'Kiss me' He wants her mouth to seek out his without him initiating it despite knowing his words are doing just that. She hesitates. He can't remember the last time she kissed him without him taking it from her.

'Mum! We're back!' They both startle at Sawyer's muffled holler. It's a rude interruption and he wants to yell out that they need to leave the house right now. They're not welcome here. Not right now. Not when his wife is about to touch him in ways that she hasn't for far too long.

'Fuck'

'Mummy! Daddy! Where are you?' Their youngest daughter's voice is louder.

Her hand is gone in all of a heartbeat

'No' Lucas whimpers, snatches back at her wrist. 'Don't go'

'I told you they'd be back' She yanks her arm away from him and nearly falls as she all but scrambles to her feet. He can't help but laugh despite his frustration. 'Don't laugh' She hisses. 'They'll hear you'

'They know I'm here sweetheart. I came over to help remember?'

'Right' she frowns as she tries to compose herself. Waves her hand in front of her face in an effort to cool her flushed cheeks.

'I should stay here for a minute' He gestures to his jeans. Laughs because she looks almost shy and it's entertaining because she's not been shy of him when it comes to sex, not for a long time.

'Right'

'Sweetheart?'

'Mm?'

'You might want these?' He tosses her her underwear.

'Mummy?!'

'Coming baby!' She trips into the black underwear.

He laughs. 'Stop laughing at me'

'I can't help it you look so fucking adorable right now. You want your laundry basket?' He points up to the counter top. 'What?' Laughs again at her unamused expression.

'You can fold the rest of the clothes'

'I'd love nothing more'

•••

'Oh hi' Peyton smiles.

'Hey'

'You coming to lay with me curly whirly girl?'

'Uhuh' Peyton pings one of Sawyer's locks and watches it spring back. 'Mum' The eleven year old whines.

'Does that thing have to come too?' She says of the ipad tucked under her daughter's arm.

'Mum' Sawyer glares.

'You're on that too much. Your eyes are going to go square'

'That's such a Mum thing to say'

'I am your Mum' Peyton hums as the child lays down beside her. 'You must've nearly finished Lost by now'

'Few more episodes to go' She abandons the ipad as Peyton's arms go around her to spoon her. 'Dad says he's gonna stay and cook us dinner. Is that true?'

'Uhuh. We thought it might be nice for us all to have a meal together at this house before we leave. That ok?'

'...I guess...Are you feeling ok?'

'Uhuh. I'm just worn out. Packing is tiring'

Sawyer purses her lips. 'Daddy said you fainted the night we stayed at Nana's'

'Oh' Her brow furrows. She's confused as to when and why Lucas thought it could ever be a good idea to give their daughter details.

'I was cross that he stayed here so he explained' Sawyer's explanation is quick to clear up how he'd come to confiding.

'Oh...you were cross?'

'I just, I thought...I dunno...' The eleven year old sighs as she struggles to articulate why she's been feeling so confused. Doesn't know why she's so confused. 'I don't know. I thought when you told me Aunt Brooke and Dad dated that she was the one that he...'

'That?'

'I thought she was the other...'

'Oh no!' Peyton pushes herself up so she can look into her daughter's face. 'Baby no' Shakes her head.

'I know Aunt Brooke told me when I had a go at her. Dad told me too'

'Honey! Why didn't you just ask me at the time?'

'I didn't want to upset you'

'I'm sorry, I should've explained better. I didn't realise you were thinking that. I should've realised. You had a go at Aunt Brooke?'

'I was kinda mean'

'Yeah?'

'I was horrid'

'Your Aunt Brooke can handle you. We can send her flowers or something if it'll make you feel better?'

'Yes'

'Ok' She runs her hand over the child's head. '...What did you say to B?'

'I told her to stay away from Daddy' She sheepishly answers.

Peyton's brow raises in surprise. 'Honey I know I've been angry at Daddy but I know he'd never, never do that. And I know that Aunt Brooke would never, never do that to me. They don't like each other like that-'

'They did at some point'

'Well sort of. It's easy to think you like someone sometimes when really you're just friends'

'Did you think you were just friends with Dad to begin with?'

Peyton sighs. '...no I don't think so'

'Daddy says you were scared of how you felt'

'...mm, I think that's pretty accurate. He made me feel so many things that I'd never felt before and I, I found that scary'

'What things?'

'I think I was scared of how much I wanted to be around him. I can't really explain it. You know how magnets don't have a choice but to be stuck together?'

'Uhuh'

'Well that's kinda what it felt like. I'd be trying my hardest to avoid him but somehow my feet always wound up a meter away from him and that scared me'

'Why did it scare you?'

'Because I kind of felt out of control. I'd lost my Mum and Grandad Larry was working away a lot. I'd got use to doing things my own way and your Daddy suddenly threw that all up in the air because he was somehow making me feel all kinds of things without saying a single thing. He was the first person I'd think of when I woke up. The last when I went to sleep. I wanted to make him smile, laugh, happy. I had to know he was safe. I'd get butterflies in my stomach whenever he was near and when he touched me it...' She trails off.

'What Mum?'

'Well I think it's different for everyone. But for me, when Daddy touched me I felt like I was alive for the first time but I, I think that's hard to understand until you feel it'

'Are you talking about sex?'

Peyton smiles. 'No and yes' Sawyer glares. 'What?'

'You're confusing sometimes'

'Love and sex is confusing'

'...what does it feel like?'

'Love?'

'I know what love feels like Mum'

'Yes and no. You know what love is like in the way you love me and Daddy and Roe and your family and friends. Even those loves are different kinds. How you love Roe isn't how you love me'

'I know she gets on my nerves but I do love her-'

'I wasn't saying you don't honey. I just meant love comes in all different shapes. I've not experienced the kind of love you and your sister share but god I love watching it' Peyton smiles. 'Being in love with someone is different and I know you've not experienced that yet'

'I might have'

'I'm your Mum. I'd like to think I'd know' Peyton squints at her. 'Has someone caught your eye Sawyer Scott?'

'No! God Mum'

'I'm teasing. Sorry'

'I wasn't asking what love feels like. What's sex feel like?' Peyton purses her lips together. 'What?'

'I dunno I just, as your Mum I get a bit torn knowing what you're ready to hear and what you're not'

'I learnt about sex ages ago remember?'

'Not that long ago' Peyton twiddles a lock around her finger. 'I know you know what sex is jitterbug. You're asking me about something big though'

'You've talked to me about it before'

'Yes, cause I always want to answer your questions and I always want be able to talk to you about anything, especially this. I'm just, you're my baby girl. You're so little'

'I'm not a baby'

'I know. But you'll always be my baby however old you are. I want to protect you. I know that protecting you isn't keeping you in the dark about things though. Especially when you have questions'

'So?' Sawyer widens her eyes impatiently.

'Ok, ok. Well it's...' She ponders for a moment. 'It's sort of hard to explain other than it, it feels really, sort of magical but it, it can also not be that. You never have to do anything you don't want to do' She emphasises. She scrapes her hand through her hair.

'I know Mum'

'You know' Peyton repeats her words.

'They talk about consent a lot at school'

'Right. So even if you're with someone you love and trust you still get to say no if you want to'

'I know. Mum I don't need a lesson on what's ok and not ok. I get that. I was just asking what it feels like when you do it and all you said is magical' She complains.

Peyton sighs. 'It's really hard to describe what it feels like. It, it's sort of like you can't get close enough to that person and when they're touching you it makes you feel really good'

'Is Dad the only person you've had sex with?'

'...no'

'No?'

'No there were a couple other people'

'Like Uncle Nate and Jake?'

Peyton's eyes narrow. 'How do you know about Jake?'

'Daddy said I could read Ravens'

'He did, did he?'

'Uhuh. Cause I have questions'

'I suppose you're old enough' She's pretty sure she could recite it by now. Knows there's nothing explicit in the book that she wouldn't want their child to see.

'I just got to a bit about some guy called Jake and he's your boyfriend'

'Yes, Jake was a boyfriend I had at school'

'Did you love him?'

'Yes'

'Like Dad?'

'No not like with Dad'

'But you still had sex with him?'

'Let's not talk about the who'

'Why?'

'I just think I'd rather keep some details to myself baby. What're we gonna talk about when you're a bit older and wanna talk about this again if I tell you everything right now?'

'...I guess...you're not really telling me anything though Mum'

'Sorry-'

'Did you like it the first time you did it?'

'Not really the first time. That's why I really hope you wait until you think it really feels right. I was just doing it because everyone around me was'

'I'm not doing it until I'm way older Mum'

'Way, way older'

'How old were you the first time you did it?'

Peyton screws her nose up. 'Far too young'

'How old is too young?'

'I'm not telling you'

'Why?'

'I will but not yet. I just don't want it to inform what you do and don't do baby. You need to make your own choices'

'Did it hurt?'

'A bit the first time...I just made myself do it more than I wanted to which was so, so silly. I really wish I'd waited until I was with Daddy'

'Why?'

'Just because everything was different with Daddy. Everything felt like it should. I was a bit nervous but a good kind of nervous and everything else was just natural'

'It didn't hurt with Dad?'

'No' Peyton shakes her head. Twiddles a lock of Sawyer's hair around her finger. 'Have you had another lesson at school about sex recently that I didn't get the memo about?'

'No. I just was wondering about things'

'There you two are' Lucas interrupts. He's a little rosy cheeked and Peyton knows without asking that he's been catapulting their youngest daughter high into the sky from the trampoline. 'What you talking about?'

'Sex' Sawyer shrugs.

Peyton smiles at her nonchalance paired with Lucas's startled expression.

'Sawyer had a few questions'

'...right' He nods. Keeps nodding.

'Is he ok?' Sawyer looks back up at her mother in bemusement.

Peyton opens her mouth but he answers for her. 'I'm fine. I'm chill' Her brow shoots up at his last word. 'What kinda questions?'

'Mum's got it covered, it's ok Dad' She's on her feet and pats his arm as she passes. 'I'm gonna go on the trampoline for a bit'

He opens and closes his mouth like a guppy fish. Peyton laughs as they're left alone.

'Wow. Super chill aren't you?'

His head spins back to her. 'Sex? What kinda questions?'

'Like, what is it like? Does it hurt? Have I only ever had sex with you?'

'And we're answering those questions?' He rubs the back of his neck. He's near the window now, surveys his daughter running out into the garden to the trampoline as promised.

'I'm meant to just not answer?'

He sighs. 'I don't bloody know. She's just a baby though'

'She's had the sex talk'

'I know, I know'

'I had questions when I was her age Luke. Only I didn't ask Dad and well, I was having sex at barely fifteen just because the group of friends around me were. Maybe if Mum had been here I wouldn't have done that. Maybe I'd have been stronger and more confident that it'd just have happened when I was ready instead of forcing it you know?'

He's facing her now. 'You've never talked about it like that before'

'Like what?'

'Like you felt pressure to have sex'

'Nathan never pressured me' She's quick to shake her head because she not for a second meant that.

'No I know you didn't mean that' He grimaces because he tries his best not to think about the fact that his wife and brother have slept together. Despite being way in the past it still makes him feel a bit queasy. 'Pressure in general'

'Oh. Well yeah. Kinda'

'If you could go back you would've waited?'

'Yes'

'For me?'

She rolls her eyes. 'Yes you'

He smirks. And then frowns. 'Is she asking questions because of me. Because of Lindsey?'

'I dunno if that's what sparked it' She shrugs.

'I kinda hoped her understanding around that was quite naive'

'I think it probably is. We were mostly talking about what it's like'

He grimaces. 'That creeps me out'

'It wasn't my most favourite conversation'

'No? You seem chill'

'Who are you hanging around with that says chills?' She teases.

'I dunno. Apparently uncomfortable me says that'

'Apparently so. I don't want to lie to her. I want her to feel like she can talk to me about anything. I want to know when she does that the first time Luke. I want her to feel like she can come to me about it. Don't you want that?'

'Yes'

'I thought it better to be honest'

'But what, like tell her what about you and me?' He cringes.

'I wasn't giving her explicit details honey' She laughs.

He smiles because she's laughing at him and he doesn't mind that. 'What details then?'

'Like how good it feels but only if it's consensual'

He sits on the bed. 'It feels good huh?' His hand is on her thigh.

'You're gonna try and fool around with me right now?'

'I gotta distract myself from thinking about our eleven year old ever having sex'

'She's not having sex anytime soon Luke'

'You were freaking out the other week about her doing everything far too soon and going off the rails'

'I was having a moment'

'Uhuh. And who stopped you having a moment?'

'Oh so I owe you one is that it?'

'Most definitely'

'Well let's talk about it. She's most likely gonna have sex at some point. We know that'

'Right. This isn't what I had in mind'

'I know...' She trails off because his face is suddenly so very close. Nose brushes hers. She inhales. 'Where's Roe?'

'She went in her room. Not this room' She twists away as he tries to connect their mouthes. 'Really?'

'What?' She widens her eyes at him.

'You're killing me'

'You'll survive'

'Barely'

'Luke we, we can't...what we did earlier was really stupid'

He squints at her. 'Don't start acting like you weren't having a good time-'

'Not what I meant' She sighs 'I just mean what if they'd walked in?!'

'We've managed to talk our way out of a lot worse'

'Sawyer was 2 when she walked in on that and I'm sure we still managed to scar her for life'

'She can't remember that'

'...I'm worried' She whispers. 'About a billion different things. I, us, us doing that isn't, isn't helpful to us-'

'Peyton. Us doing that is always fucking helpful' He disputes.

'The last thing I need is them seeing us and...'

'And hoping Mummy and Daddy are sorting their shit out?'

She sighs. 'I thought you agreed'

'I do, I do' He hums. 'And then at the same time I, I don't want them to accept this or think that we're better apart and I kinda think that's what Sawyer is thinking, that we're better apart'

She chews on the inside of her cheek for a moment. '...Why didn't you tell me that she'd thought that B was... _her_?'

'She just spoke to you about it then?'

'Yes. Why didn't you?'

'I just knew she was going to talk to you so I didn't say anything'

'How did you know?'

'I know her. She's like you. She dwells on the things a little bit but eventually she opens her heart up' He mumurs.

'You didn't know' She looks at him through narrowed eyes.

'I would've told you this week if she hadn't' He declares.

'Mhmm'

'I would. So she told you she didn't want me back with you too?'

'She didn't say that'

'Pretty much did to me'

'She's confused'

'Yes. Like her Mum'

She swallows. '...are you annoyed at me?' She wonders.

'What?'

'I...earlier I was and you didn't...and now I'm being...'

He smiles. 'You getting flustered talking about sex with me is perhaps one of my favourite things' She pouts. 'Especially when you were just happily talking about it with our kid'

'Not the same at all'

'No. I know. How could I ever be annoyed at you?'

'There's been many reasons'

'Ok. Well I'm not. I was concerned you might be annoyed with me'

'Why?'

'Well, I did kinda hold you hostage'

'I thought you called it doing what you want' She kinks her brow.

He smiles. 'Oh yeah...ow' The appearance of a certain black cat joining them startles him. 'Gees those are sharp claws Batman'

'You're in his spot'

Lucas laughs then and lifts the cat up. 'Not your spot buddy' Batman swipes at his captor's face then. 'Woah' Lucas sets him down on Peyton then.

She laughs. 'Ohh was he mean to you Bat Cat?'

'He's the mean one! I think he's forgetting who gave him this home' The cat has quickly settled on Peyton's chest now and purrs as she scratches behind his ears. 'That's definitely my spot'

'You're jealous of the cat?'

'Damn right'

'You want me to scratch behind your ears too?' She taunts.

'Why's he so mean? He hissed at me earlier too!'

'Me and him are tight is all. You're in his territory'

'Again. Not his territory'

Her smile wanes a little. 'You think he's gonna be ok with the move?'

'He'll be fine'

'I hope so. It might be a bit scary for him'

'A cat Peyton'

Her gaze shifts back to him then. 'Wow you really are jealous of a cat. Maybe Roe is right'

'Right about what?'

'That you're more of a dog person'

'Of course I am. Dogs just love you. Look at him sat on you judging me'

'Judging you' Peyton spurts.

'He is!'

'Well you can't be mad at him. You chose him'

'Mmm bribery that's completely backfired'

'I dunno. We all love him'

'Mm. She's not yours' He wags his finger at the cat. 'Mine buddy. Mine' She looks at him with bemusement.

'You're getting mad at a cute ball of fur'

'I don't like the look he's giving me!'

She heavy handedly ruffles his hair then. 'There, there kitty' He pouts and pinches her side. She shrieks and Batman is quick to shun them. 'You scared him away!'

Lucas grins. 'Look you're covered in hair now' He picks at the black hair covering her dress.

'Do you think he's like Salem?'

'Salem?'

'Uhuh. Sabrina the teenage witch'

'You think there's a person's soul inside him?' He looks back at the cat that's now preying on Roewyn's stuffed leopard that's been abandoned near the chest of draws. 'And you think I'm the superstitious one. I can't believe in some higher power but you can believe in witches, ghosts and ghouls'

'I never said you can't believe in some higher power' She argues. 'I believe there's...something. I just pointed out that no higher power gave you me is all'

He smiles because her words imply that she's still very much his. '...I disagree'

'I know you do' She murmurs with a small smile.

'I'm also more scared of that cat now than I was five minutes ago'

'I think his name might have been Frank in a past life' He shakes his head. 'And I think he was a pilot'

'And I'm the one that gave Roewyn her imagination?' He laughs.

She scowls but her eyes are smiling. 'I'm serious'

'I know you are and I love you despite thinking you might actually be a witch yourself' He squints at her.

'I'd love it if I were a witch' She practices a cackle. He cuts it off because he can't not kiss her. Not when he's not seen this part of her personality in a long time. He pounces. It takes her off guard. She usually knows when he's about to try and connect their mouthes. She yelps in protest because they just had a conversation about the kids that he's seemingly been deaf to. He pins the hand that's pushing against his shoulder back to the bed and then his tongue is moving against hers and she's suddenly submissive and welcoming his assault. He wants to roll on top of her. Wants to have her limbs wrap around him like earlier but she's wrong. He'd not been completely deaf to their chat. Isn't about to risk one of their daughters walking in on them in that position.

'I love you witch or not' He finally husks when breathing becomes an issue and his self restraint is beginning to dwindle.

She keeps her eyes closed. 'You wouldn't burn me at the stake?'

'Never'

'Why thanks' Her lashes flutter open then. 'We just discussed how we're not meant to be doing that'

'You didn't put up much of a fight'

'It's not my fault you have some kind of voodoo power of me'

'Voodoo' He smiles.

'Voodoo'

'How can't I kiss you when you do your sexy witch cackle?'

'Not sexy'

'No' He agrees. 'But you being a goofball is'

She averts her stare to her fingers that are twiddling a button on his shirt. '...Thank you' She repeats more sincerely.

He laughs. 'You're thanking me for calling you a goofball?'

'No. Not that...this week I...I know our sessions have been...a lot...that I've been...just you, you've been...understanding of, of some things that I know you don't understand'

'I love you. Of course I am sweetheart' He draws her hand to his mouth. 'How are you feeling?'

'I do wish you'd stop asking me that though'

'Sorry. I just' He shrugs. 'I want you to talk to me'

'I'm talking to you right now aren't I?'

'Mm...' He knows she knows that's not what he meant. '...I'm gonna go get started on dinner'

He sets her hand back on her chest. '...you don't need to cook-' She begins.

'The deal was one family meal remember?'

'...I remember'

'Ok then' He nods with finality. 'I'll go start it then shall I?'

'...Ok'

'Ok'

 **A/N Merry Christmas everyone! Sorry it's been a bit more of a wait than usual. Thank you for reading along if you've been here from the beginning and welcome if you've just joined! Thanks for all the words and feedback shared on the last chapter :) Until next time!**


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